by Poppy Flynn
James had walked out of her life that very night, and Desi had given up what little social life she'd had, too humiliated to risk running into James at the kind of events they both used to frequent.
Joel cupped her cheek, bringing her back to the present. "I can see the answer in your eyes, Desi. And I know, because when I made love to you yesterday, there was no kink, there were no commands, but you were as quiet and still as always. I'm not sure you would even have allowed yourself to climax if I hadn't verbally given you permission."
Desi stiffened and Joel saw the pain in her eyes as she tried to jerk away from him.
He caught her to him instead and crooked a finger under her chin to pull up her gaze back to his. "It's okay, sweetheart. I understand. It's how you're conditioned. It's how I moulded you. But it's not working for you now, and I want to fix that."
On Monday, Jake had invited himself for dinner, turning up on her doorstep clutching boxes of her favourite Chinese food, and over strips of Szechuan style crispy beef and noodles he had added his voice. "So…Joel has approached me about helping him to retrain you," he had begun tentatively.
Desi wasn't shocked. She had accepted over a decade ago that the BDSM lifestyle had a rather subjective set of principles and her understanding of the dynamics involved had led her to accept them not as wrong, but simply as different. In some ways, their ethical code was far stricter than that of the general populace, no matter that the sometimes-casual sexual acts and the idea of sharing might be seen by many as being immoral. In fact, a Dominant in a committed relationship, and even those who played on a more casual basis, often took their commitments far more intently than the average husband or boyfriend did in the care and attention they offered their submissive partners. They were bound by strict contracts which governed treatment, limits and negotiations that they valued with the utmost seriousness. A submissive was usually revered and treasured by a Dominant in a way that a girlfriend or even a wife might not be in a vanilla relationship.
Jake had been a part of her initial training, and the intimacy with him had been one of the things that had cemented their friendship.
"You agreed?" she asked, more out of curiosity than anything else.
Jake nodded. "I think it's a good idea," he hedged.
Desi arched an eyebrow, inviting him to continue.
"You've embraced the idea of taking your life back. I see this as a natural progression, a way for you to have more natural relationships with people in general, not just lovers."
Jake shifted uncomfortably in his seat but ultimately opted for honesty, and she appreciated that above all else.
"The way I see it, you currently internalise everything. Every single one of your feelings, good, bad or indifferent, you keep it all inside and it affects not just your relationships with other men, but with everyone around you. With your friends, with your acquaintances, with your business colleagues."
Jake took hold of both her hands in his and continued earnestly. "It's not rocket science to guess that you would also apply it to your lovers, maybe even more so because you have an acquired urge to protect your heart. You told me, yourself, that your sexual encounters have been disastrous. I'd put money on the fact that it was because you don't allow people to get close enough to know you, to understand your preferences, to tell them your wants and needs in a way that allows them to satisfy you."
Jake forced her to look at him and to acknowledge his words. Words that had her trembling inside as they hit their target. She may never have acknowledged those very feelings and reactions consciously, but she couldn't deny the bullseye accuracy of what Jake was saying.
"That's not fair on you, Desi. And it has nothing to do with protecting yourself from the hurt which you almost seem to expect. You deserve more from life than you're allowing yourself to experience."
"I don't know, Jake," Desi faltered, closing her eyes against his intense stare. Did she really want to make herself that vulnerable?
"Then ask yourself this one question, and answer it honestly," Jake demanded. "Do you really want to live each and every day of the rest of your life like you do now?"
So, here she was, on a weekday evening, dressed for business but standing in the middle of a sex club, surrounded by four sexy, Dominant men, her heart beating so damn hard it felt like it might explode out of her chest and her throat so dry she couldn't even swallow.
The urge to flee was chasing the butterflies in her churning stomach, and the fine tremor that vibrated through her entire being had everything to do with trepidation and nothing to do with desire.
Jake had warned her that Connor and Logan would be joining them, and she had almost balked at that information, but he had talked her around, persuading her that none of this would work if they didn't push her boundaries to the extreme.
She had accepted that, at the time, but she still couldn't bring herself to look at them right now.
It was only Jake's words that kept her rooted to the spot. 'Do you really want to live each and every day of the rest of your life like you do now?' The answer was a huge, resounding, 'No!'
She was tired of being lonely, of closing herself off from the world, but she didn't know how to adjust. She understood that her instinctive reactions towards people weren't normal, that she hid her needs and wants, that she suppressed her feelings and desires because she never allowed herself to let go, and that was the aim of this exercise. To force her to let go.
Desi didn't know if it would work, but she didn't believe it could make things any worse. And if there was the tiniest chance that things could change, then she figured she owed it to herself and to her future to try.
Joel regarded Desi carefully and was aware that the other three Doms did the same. She was lost in her own little world, her eyes unfocused and her gaze far away, typically isolated from the people and the space around her.
It made Joel's heart ache to see what she had become, especially when he recalled the friendly, outgoing girl she used to be. When they had first met, she seemed to have a glow that lit her from within and which drew everyone to her like moths to a flame. It was the very thing that had initially attracted him to her.
Now, it was as if life and circumstance had extinguished that unique radiance and Desi did little more than exist in the shadows. He held himself accountable for a lot of that and felt responsible to try and breathe light and sparkle back into her life once again. To do what he could to fan the embers and ignite the sparks that they generated between them into something warm and bright and permanent, once again.
Jake went up to her and slipped his arms around her, drawing her back to his chest and whispering what he guessed were words of encouragement in her ear.
Joel watched as Desi closed her eyes and relaxed in his hold, curling her fingers around the forearm that was wrapped around her shoulders.
He knew a moment of intense, piercing jealousy at their easy camaraderie and clenched his hands and jaw in reaction, only to take a deep breath and will himself back in control of his wayward emotions when he became aware of Connor watching him speculatively.
Connor had already had too much to say on the matter and as they teetered on the verge of taking this step, Connor's words came back to haunt him… 'So, let me get this right—you've spent the last eleven years searching for your perfect submissive and now that you've finally found exactly what you always craved, you're going to attempt to turn her into something different? What the hell is that all about, Joel? Or is it just less of a threat for you to constantly be chasing the impossible? That way, you always have a convenient excuse and you never have to commit yourself. I wonder just who you're actually trying to kid here, buddy. Is it the rest of the world or is it really yourself? And what if you succeed? Have you thought about that? Once you've changed her into something that no longer poses a risk to your composure, will you open your eyes one day and find that you can't forgive yourself for throwing away the only thing you ever really wanted?'
&nb
sp; Right now, Connor looked to him with a raised eyebrow and his head cocked to one side, daring him to go ahead with his plan. Or maybe challenging him not to. In the end, it was his cousin who eventually moved things forward.
"Right, let's do this thing," Jake said decisively. "Connor's got a flight to catch later."
Jake had surprised him the most. If there was one corner where he had expected resistance, it had been with his cousin, but Jake had been all for it. It made him feel better that Jake thought this was a good idea, knowing that he only had Desi's best interests at heart, and that eased Joel's guilt at the ulterior motive that found him doing this primarily for himself.
Jake shrugged out of his jacket and tie, and the rest of them followed suit.
Joel undid the top couple of buttons on his black silk shirt and rolled up his sleeves as he strode to stand in front of Desi. He stared at her with turbulent eyes and she gazed back at him, her pupils dilating with instant desire, and he felt a moment of uncertainty. Was he doing the right thing?
It no longer mattered, the ball was already rolling and gaining momentum as Jake helped Desi out of her suit jacket and reached around her to start undoing the buttons of her blouse, his eyes challenging Joel to get on with it, and in that instant, Joel realised that even if he did back out, Jake would see this thing through on his own.
"I'm going to push," he reminded Desi. "I'm going to take you outside your comfort zone and past your normal limits. It will be intense and I won't always stop when you want me to, unless I really do think that things are getting to be too much for you. If I think that your crying off just because things are getting uncomfortable, then I'm going to carry on, regardless. It's the only way to shatter those boundaries."
Joel wound the hair that Jake had just finished unpinning around his fist and yanked her towards him, sliding his hand around the heated skin of her waist, now that her shirt hung open and gaping, exposing her beautiful plump breasts as they spilled proudly from the lacy white bra that was such a contrast to her tanned skin.
"But know this, a lot of what I did with you was 'smoke and mirrors'. When you really know a submissive, when you have that unique connection, then you come to understand their limits and weaknesses." Desi flinched at the words, but Joel gripped her hair tighter, sending a spontaneous spike of desire surging through her system which flooded her core.
"That's not a criticism, Desi. It's not a bad thing. It's what makes the dynamic work so well, that very intimate understanding and knowledge of another person. It's what makes everything special." Desi relaxed under his reassurance as the whispered velvet of his voice soothed and appeased her ragged nerves even as the soft stroke of his thumb across the sensitive skin of her midriff had her abdominal muscles jumping.
"It's how I can identify that you have less resistance, less control, if I use a whip on you, rather than a flogger. It's what makes me understand that you're less likely to be the quiet, motionless submissive that I desire, if you're watching me while I fuck you. It's one of the ways I control a scene for the optimum outcome."
Desi released a breath that she hadn't realised she was holding as the implication of Joel's words finally hit her. He was saying that she had a lower tolerance to the whip and that was why he'd stopped using it…he was saying...
Eric Oliver's harsh words thundered, uninvited, through her head, 'No wonder you always fuck her from behind, over a spanking bench. At least you don't have to be reminded of how short she is or look at all that 'afro' hair.'
But it was nothing to do with those things, after all. The years of insecurity that those taunts had caused actually had their basis in something else entirely. 'Smoke and mirrors'…Joel's innate understanding that if she looked into his beautiful face during a scene, she would be so much less restrained and disciplined and that would likely undermine both of their control in the situation and spoil Joel's enjoyment of their play. And that, in turn, would spoil her own, because Desi wanted, needed to please. That was the reason for his choices. Not the vile and hateful things that Eric had claimed.
Desi closed her eyes and felt her body heat as the last of her uncertainties tied to that evening in Joel's basement so many years ago finally fell away.
"So tell me now, do you understand what I'm saying, and knowing that, do you still want to go ahead with this?"
Desi's gaze never left his. Her breath hitched and she nodded. Joel's lips found hers in a brief, hard kiss before he spun her around to face the others.
His hand splayed against her stomach and felt like it was branding her skin. He cupped the back of her head, filtering the tresses of her hair through his fingers, and she could feel his erection pushing against her.
"They need to hear you," he rumbled, his breath hot against her ear. "They need to know you're on board with what we are going to do."
Despite her racing pulse and her heartbeat thumping loudly in her ears, Desi calmly looked to Logan, Connor and Jake, in turn.
"I understand," she said clearly, proud that her voice didn't give away her tremors. "I'm good to go."
No sooner than she'd said the words, Joel squeezed her tightly, burying his face into her neck, then releasing her with a surprisingly sweet kiss to her cheek.
"We'll start out slowly," he murmured, nuzzling her ear before he withdrew completely and nodded towards Connor.
Clearly, they'd already discussed a plan of action.
Connor sauntered towards her, and Desi guessed they all understood that he unnerved her the most, since she knew him the least.
"Well, this is an unexpected pleasure." he drawled, sliding his big hands up over her collarbones and underneath her shirt as he pushed it off her shoulders and down her arms. Reaching for her hands, he kissed and nibbled at the inside of her wrists as he undid the buttons on her sleeves.
Desi stiffened almost imperceptibly at the unfamiliar touches but didn't move, even though her pulse spiked and thundered in her temples like a freight train. Neither did she speak, despite the overwhelming desire to call a halt to these oh so very uncomfortable proceedings. A desire that was, at this very second, clamouring and squeezing her vocal chords into uttering the words that would put a stop to this insanity. She was free to do either. She hadn't been bound or gagged, and, so far, there had been no commands for her to adhere to.
Connor freed her arms. Her blouse fell to the floor with a bare whisper of sound, and he immediately reached behind her for the zipper of her skirt, deliberately crushing her breasts against the hard wall of his chest, but Desi remained quiet and still and tried to ignore the flush of embarrassment that seemed to start at her very toes and engulf her entire body.
Helping her to step out of the skirt, Connor left her standing in her bra and matching boy shorts while he took a step back and looked her up and down.
"Beautiful," he murmured, reaching out and trailing a finger across her collarbone and into the vee of her cleavage. Hooking his finger into the front of her bra, he pulled her towards him and undid the fastening, removing the rest of her lingerie until she stood naked before them all, goose bumps popping up on her skin that had nothing to do with being cold.
This time, when Connor stepped back, he idly circled around her, stopping briefly behind her, and she felt his palm stroke across her buttocks before he resumed his slow perusal.
Desi stood statue still, her eyes lowered as she studied the patterns in the polished concrete floor and fought the instinct to cover herself with her arms.
"Look at me," Connor demanded, and Desi forced herself to raise her head. Somehow, if she didn't look at any of them, she felt less vulnerable, but it seemed that Connor was wise to that, too.
He changed his tactics. "Turn around, full circle," he commanded, passing the responsibility of movement on to her. "Slowly and in the 'present' position!"
Desi swallowed and laced her fingers together behind her head before she began a slow, graceful pivot on her balls of her feet, aware that her nipples had started to peak at th
e idea of being on display. By the time she had completed the revolution, they were hard little nubs, aching to be touched.
That occurrence didn't escape Connor's notice, either, and his mouth kicked up at one corner in a lopsided grin.
"Those nipples look like they need some attention," he commented with a devilish gleam in his eyes. "I think you should give them some."
Desi startled at the suggestion, her eyebrows raising in surprise. She wasn't used to posturing for a Dom. All of her encounters with Joel had required her to do nothing but be compliant and passive.
"Now!" Connor's voice hardened at her hesitation, and Desi rushed to unlace her fingers and do his bidding.
She felt uncomfortable as she smoothed her palms across her breasts and dropped her head again.
"Eye's on me," Connor corrected, gesturing towards her and then himself with two fingers.
"Now, pinch those luscious nipples, baby. Pull on them and twist them…hard. Just like I would, if I were over there. I want them stiff and pouting and ready for my mouth."
Conner's eyes bored into hers, and as unnerved as she was at the unfamiliar directive, despite each and every one of her doubts, she couldn't help the rush of moisture that flooded her pussy.
It seemed like forever that Connor kept her displayed like that in front of the four of them, tweaking and squeezing. His eyes never left hers, nor did they allow her to hide her gaze from him, and all the while, the coil of desire tightened inside her abdomen and her frustration grew as she started to crave the touch of a man's fingers upon her body in place of her own.
"I think that pretty pussy is feeling a little neglected. Let me see you fuck yourself with two fingers."
Her stomach clenched and her nether lips tingled at the command, but Desi felt her face heat in discomfiture as she trailed her right hand across her abdomen and down to sink into her own heat. She was wet and ready and her fingers slipped easily inside. Connor allowed her own pace for a while as she deliberately controlled her rising desire, but soon, he demanded more from her.