All That I Am: A Victorian Historical Romance (The Hesitant Husbands Series Book 1)

by Grace Hartwell

  “Ladies,” he nodded. “I trust you are enjoying yourselves.” They giggled, and he realized that that was probably an understatement. In his experience, there were few topics women enjoyed more than the topic of men—more accurately, how stupid they could be. “Miss Hastings,” he said smoothly. “Will you be giving us the pleasure of your music this evening?”

  Elizabeth drew in her breath. “Oh, you must! I dearly love music.”

  “I second that,” Anne’s brother added as the rest of the men filed into the room.

  “Well then, how could I disappoint? You don't mind, Mrs. Everett?”

  “It would give me great pleasure, dearest.” She turned to Elizabeth. “Anne is quite an accomplished player.”

  “Too bad I can't sing a note!” Anne laughed, sitting down at the piano and beginning to pluck a beautiful melody from the keys. Elizabeth sat with rapt attention. Anne’s playing was obviously a natural talent. The music brought tears to Elizabeth's eyes, and a brief silence fell when she was finished.

  “Glorious as always, Anne,” Aidan said, leading the applause.

  “Why thank you, my lord.” She turned to Louisa. “I see the carpets have been rolled back, Mrs. Everett. Perhaps you’d care for something a little livelier?”

  “I believe we would, indeed.” Louisa smiled.

  And the dancing began.

  Elizabeth had never had so much fun in her life. She hardly knew what she was doing on the dance floor, but it didn’t matter. Aidan was a good teacher and an accomplished dancer, and he had her twirling about and laughing as if she’d danced all her life.

  After a particularly uproarious polka, she excused herself to the balcony to cool down and get some air.

  “Miss Townsend?”

  Elizabeth jumped and whirled around to find herself face to face with the very person who terrorized her every moment. She hadn’t noticed him in the shadows. She schooled her face into what she hoped was a serene smile as she inclined her head slightly. “Mr. Mayfield.”

  He took a few slow steps toward her and she willed herself not to flee. He seemed to notice her discomfort, however, and remained where he was. “You seem to be going to great lengths to avoid me. Might I be so bold as to ask why?”

  “Don't be silly, Mr. Mayfield,” she laughed, a little too loud. “I am not trying to avoid you.”

  “And yet every time I am anywhere in the same room with you, you disappear. I try to engage you in conversation, and you give me the most stilted answers and then find the quickest possible way of making your exit. You can barely look me in the eye—you are always looking about to see if someone else is nearby, as you are doing right now.”

  Elizabeth's gaze flew to his face. She had just been looking over his shoulder to see if anyone knew they were out there. She felt herself blush at being caught.

  “Aidan has told me of your fear of men, and living as you have, I can certainly understand,” Gavin continued, his voice soft. “But what I don't understand is your particular aversion to me. I must know, what is it about me that frightens you so?”

  He was looking at her so intently. She looked into his eyes—really looked into them for the first time, and she was caught off guard by what she saw in them. Confusion. Hurt.

  And genuine concern.

  Could she have made a mistake? He truly didn't seem to recognize her at all. If anything, he had been nothing but kind to her since they had met. But that voice. She would never forget that voice. No, she couldn't be mistaken. He had to have been there that night.

  Yet…here he was, standing before her trying to make sense out of her strange behavior. And looking so anxious that it actually made her weaken a little. “My apologies, Mr. Mayfield. I fear I've behaved rather oddly with you. It was not intentional.”

  He leaned closer to her, searching her eyes. “Are you sure about that?”

  She shifted, decidedly uncomfortable. Gavin shook his head. “I am quite sure we have never met, so I can't think of what I could have done to upset you so. I had hoped we could be friends, but alas…” He trailed off. “Good evening, Miss Townsend.”

  He turned to walk away, and before she could stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth, Elizabeth heard herself asking him to wait. She was trembling all over, but something in her made her want to give him some sort of explanation. She must be losing her mind. “You have done nothing since we met other than be kind to me, Mr. Mayfield. It's just that you…you remind me of someone.”

  “Oh?” He waited for her to continue.

  “A bad someone…in my life.”

  “I see.” Gavin came toward her, but Elizabeth didn't move. There was a room full of people just beyond those doors and all she had to do was scream, she told herself.

  “So I look like someone you'd rather forget, is that it?”

  “No…no, not exactly.”

  Gavin raised his eyebrows. “Miss Townsend, I must admit, you have me a bit baffled. How do I remind you of this person who wronged you?”

  “You—you sound like him. I never actually saw his face. I only overheard him. But his voice is burned in my memory.”

  “What on earth did this person say that upset you so?” Gavin said, perplexed.

  “I…I heard him give an order to have someone killed.” There, she'd said it. Now he would know she was the girl he’d been searching for.

  But instead of reaching for her as she'd expected, he recoiled in surprise. “Good Lord, Miss Townsend. You can't be serious.”

  “It's true.”

  “And you think I'm that man? Miss Townsend, I assure you, I have never given such an order in my life. You simply must be mistaken.”

  “I can't be. I will never forget that voice. It's haunted me ever since.” True, it had been eight years since she'd heard it, but it was ingrained in her memory.

  “Miss Townsend, do forgive me, but I can't possibly be who you think I am. I am a peaceful man. I don't even know anyone who has taken someone else's life except—” He broke off, sudden realization hitting him. “Oh, dear God.” He went deathly pale and turned to place his hands on the balustrade for support, his body appearing to collapse in on itself.

  “Mr. Mayfield, are you all right? You don't look well.”

  “Miss Townsend,” he said, his voice tight with remorse. “I am truly sorry for anything that my brother has done to you.”

  Chapter 22

  Elizabeth blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

  Gavin turned to her. “I have an identical twin.” He let that sink in a moment before continuing. “His name is Garrett, and he is in prison now for the life he has led. The only things we share are how we look and how we sound. Apart from that, we could not be more different.”

  Elizabeth stared at him, his words slowly sinking in. An identical twin? That would certainly explain a lot. She eyed him skeptically. “How do I know you are telling the truth?”

  “You may ask anyone here. When you have a suspected murderer for a brother, it's hard to keep that a secret.” Gavin's face wore an expression of absolute disgust.

  Elizabeth slowly digested this information. Never in her wildest imagination would she have thought…she was horribly embarrassed by the way she'd been behaving. “I'm sorry, Mr. Mayfield, for treating you as I did.”

  “Nonsense,” he assured her. “How were you to know?”

  Elizabeth took in his kind features and warm personality and thought she should have known from the start, but fear had clouded her usual good judgment. “May I ask, sir…how did Garrett become so…so unlike you?”

  Gavin gave her a rueful smile. “As twins, we were born too early, and I'm afraid Garrett did not do well at first. My parents weren't sure he was going to live. He was very sickly as a child and not allowed to do much of anything. Instead, he watched me flourish and play with my friends while he was forced to let his childhood pass him by.

  “As we grew older, he discovered that the more trouble he got into, the more attention he got. He was
jealous of everything I had accomplished in my life, and he grew tired of seeing my parents dote on me. He did everything he could think of to gain their attention the wrong way. By the time my parents realized what he had become, it was too late. His heart had grown hard out of jealousy and anger that he could not have the same life I did.

  “When he was about fifteen, he got mixed up with some…unsavory characters, shall we say. Father tried everything to get Garrett away from them and back on track in school, but the harder he tried, the more Garrett rebelled. It wasn't long before Garrett left school and home, and began his despicable life in earnest. Lying, cheating, stealing…and we thought that was the worst of it. But at some point he turned to violence. There were rumors…things no parent should ever hear. My mother used to sit in her drawing room at night, holding his picture and crying when she thought no one could hear her. But I could, and I vowed that if I ever found him, I would make him pay for everything he'd put our family through, brother or not.” Gavin turned away and looked out over the gardens and into the night, his hands flexing at his sides, betraying his anger.

  Surely no one could make up a story such as that. Elizabeth was hesitant to ask, but there was one thing she needed to know. “How…how did he finally get sent to prison?”

  Gavin was silent for a moment. He leaned on the balustrade again, lost in thought as the memories assaulted him. The gossip and the whispers, the way he'd had to fight to dispel the rumors and keep his position in society, then the death of a childhood friend, possibly at the hands of Garrett, and ultimately, that of his mother, her spirit finally broken. He'd hunted his brother like a madman, and when they had at last come face to face…he shuddered as a chill went down his spine. That night would haunt him for the rest of his life. He sighed. “I will spare you the details, but suffice to say that I had hunted him down, and when I finally caught up to him…he shot me.”

  Elizabeth gasped. “How could your own brother do such a thing?”

  “As I said, Miss Townsend,” Gavin replied, his voice full of steel. “We are brothers by blood only.”

  Elizabeth struggled to grasp this information. She had always wanted siblings. Her childhood friends all had them, and they all got along quite well. They fought, of course, but Elizabeth had grown up surrounded by people who thought family was everything, and that the bond between siblings was sacred. It was difficult for her to imagine hating one's own sibling—twin, no less—so much as to try to kill him. It was unthinkable. She was desperately sorry for Gavin to have suffered such pain.

  “So you see, Miss Townsend, you and I have a bit in common. We have both lost ones we love.” He smiled sadly at her. “I know it is not quite the same thing, but it is a loss just the same. And I am deeply sorry for whatever he has done to you to make you so afraid. But you needn't fear anymore. I suspect he will spend the rest of his days in prison.”

  Elizabeth wasn't sure she could allow herself to hope that that was true, because if it was…

  It meant that she was finally free.

  No more hiding. No more running. No more looking over her shoulder every time a man approached. She could stop sleeping with a knife under her pillow. She could hold down a real job, find a cheap rent somewhere, and finally begin a life. A real one. She could make friends and put down roots in the city. At long last, she could conduct a proper search for her parents, and maybe, just maybe, Aidan would help her.

  Hope bloomed in her chest at the thought of not having to leave her new friends.

  But then she remembered the note. If the man who’d been chasing her all these years hadn’t sent it, then who did? She may be out of mortal danger, but there was still the problem of the past she’d run from. Someone knew about it, and until she figured out who it was and what they wanted, she couldn’t continue her relationship with the Lockwoods. There was too high a risk someone would tell Aidan the truth, and she couldn’t bear his censure. The loss of his admiration would destroy her. So, she still had to leave.

  It was a crushing realization.

  “Miss Townsend, are you all right? You look a little dazed.”

  “I…I was just thinking. And dreaming. You have no idea—” she stopped, her throat closing off with tears. “I seem to have been blessed with two angels in my life, Mr. Mayfield,” she said, blinking rapidly. “One who saved my life, and one who set me free to enjoy it. Thank you.”

  Gavin studied her face for a moment, watching the play of the emotions travel across it. His eyes narrowed. “Good Lord, Miss Townsend,” he said softly. “What has he done to you?” There was a beat of silence, and then he shook his head. “Never mind. I do not wish to know. Let this be the last time we speak of my brother.”

  “Agreed.”

  He smiled kindly at her. “Does this mean we are to be friends?”

  “If you can forgive me.”

  “There is nothing to forgive, Miss Townsend.”

  “Then perhaps we may start over, and I promise, I will not avoid you this time!”

  Gavin chuckled. “You do seem to be adept at that.”

  “I've spent years in hiding,” Elizabeth admitted. “It sort of comes naturally.” Elizabeth hesitated and bit her lip. “Mr. Mayfield, perhaps, if it's not too much to ask…perhaps we can keep this conversation between us?”

  Gavin looked down at her, his disappointment written in his features. “Talk to him, Elizabeth,” he urged, squeezing her shoulders gently. “He cares a great deal for you.”

  “Mr. Mayfield…” She trailed off. There was so much more to the story, so much she couldn't reveal. It was a risk she was not willing to take.

  “I won't say a word,” Gavin promised. “But you need to know that you can trust Aidan with the truth, no matter what it is. He is a good man, Miss Townsend. He won't let anything happen to you.”

  Elizabeth studied him a moment, then nodded. Just then, the balcony doors opened.

  “There you are,” Lainey said, stepping out into the night air. “Eliza, Aidan is looking for you. What on earth have you been talking about for so long? Wait.” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “You two are talking.”

  “Yes. I’ve been apologizing for being a complete arse,” Elizabeth explained.

  “Eliza!”

  Gavin laughed and offered his arm to Elizabeth. “Let’s just say we’ve worked out our differences and we’ve decided to start over. As friends.” He grinned at Elizabeth. “Shall we return to your party, Miss Townsend?”

  “Gladly,” she smiled, linking her arm with his. Her heart was practically soaring as Gavin offered his other arm to Lainey and escorted both ladies back inside.

  Chapter 23

  Aidan lay awake, thinking of Elizabeth.

  She'd gone out to the balcony the Elizabeth he knew, and returned—on the arm of Gavin Mayfield—a different woman. She'd laughed, chatted, and danced gaily…it had been rather like watching a butterfly emerge from its cocoon. She hadn’t even glanced furtively about when they waited for the carriage. She seemed…relaxed.

  And she’d reminded him she’d be leaving tomorrow.

  He should be happy that she was ready to be on her own. That had been the plan all along, hadn't it? She was only supposed to stay long enough to recover.

  So why was he so restless? She was right, of course. She was well healed, and there was no real reason for her to stay. He was well aware of the rumors that were circulating through the ton. It was probably best she leave.

  But he really, really didn’t want her to.

  He had become a different man since Elizabeth had arrived. He smiled more. He laughed more. She'd filled his quiet life with sound.

  It hit him then. The house had been so empty before Elizabeth arrived, filling it with her musical laughter. She had taught him how to laugh at himself, how to appreciate little things like the scent of the earth after a rain or the simple pleasure of a conversation, and how to sometimes let go of the persona everyone expected of an earl and show the man who lay underneath.
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  Elizabeth had brought him to life.

  He couldn’t imagine going back to his life the way it was before she came. He needed her. She was a breath of fresh air, a balance that he couldn't seem to find on his own. He could think of only one way to keep her with him, but he wasn’t sure it was a good option.

  Aidan shook his head. Marrying Elizabeth was a preposterous idea. She deserved no less than someone who could love her fiercely with no reservations. He was not that man.

  With a loud sigh, he flung off the covers and pulled on the trousers he’d removed a mere hour before. Pulling a loose shirt over his head, he went out on the balcony.

  The cool air kissed his skin and ruffled his hair, the breeze bringing the aroma of blooming lilacs with it. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. The breeze seemed to whisper…Elizabeth.

  “Damn it all to hell,” he swore softly.

  He was just about to turn around and return to his chambers when he saw her. She was at the opposite end of the balcony, standing by the railing, bathed in moonlight. In the white nightgown she wore, she looked like a spirit conjured up from his imagination. Her alluring tresses hung loose down her back, the flowing gown swirling about her legs in the breeze. He was transfixed for a moment, watching her gaze up at the stars. Desire swelled up in him, taking him by surprise. He so badly wanted to feel her body beneath his hands, to taste her tempting skin, and simply hold her in his arms all night.

  He smiled to himself. Yes, she had definitely bewitched him.

  She seemed to sense his presence, because she turned and met his eyes. Their gazes locked for a moment, then she gave him a little wave. He took that as an invitation and sauntered over to her.

  “You couldn't sleep, either?”

  Her voice sounded so sultry, a sound to which his traitorous body instantly responded. “Forgive me,” he said quietly. “I don't mean to intrude.” He was acutely aware of his current state of undress. His shirt gaped open at the neck, his feet were bare, his hair rumpled from tossing and turning in bed.