Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story

by E. McNew

  Before heading back to my mom's house, we went out to lunch with Lilah. After we ate, we returned to the house that had seen my heaviest days of using drugs. Lolo had moved in. I wasn't surprised at all. I was actually kind of glad that he was there because I wanted to know where my pictures were. He had neatly put them away in boxes for me and stored them under the porch of the house. He wrapped the boxes in plastic bags to protect the pictures from harsh weather. As I went under the porch to pull out the boxes, I immediately became worried as I saw puddles of water on top of the bags. I took the bags off, and the boxes were soaking wet. All of the pictures, albums and baby books were soaked. I was hoping that they were just wet on the outside, but the water had seeped through every single picture. My heart was broken. These pictures were the only things I had left of my babies. They were ruined. I walked away, because I couldn't handle looking at them anymore. The pictures of my daughters were gone. I was crying and wiping away my tears because I didn't want to be obvious. Lila came up to me and gave me a hug. She also cried. She must have felt the pain that I was feeling. Actually, It was more than a pain. It was an absence and a loss - almost like a death.

  I spoke with my dad a few days after I returned to Grass Valley, and he told me that when he went to a job in Tahoe, he would stop by the house and pick up the pictures. He said that he was going to go through them and see if any of them were salvageable. I resumed working, and shortly after my temporary meltdown, my mom and stepdad found me my own place. It was a cute little studio that was attached to a house that had been turned into a duplex. My mom and my grandparents set me up with all the furniture that I needed and the only complaint that I had was that my television set was about 8"x8". I remembered the TV set from when I was little. My grandpa had it in his house. I loved it but it was so small that it was almost funny. My stepdad told me that he was going to pay my rent for six months. After that I would be on my own. Part of him must love me, I thought. I had a love-hate relationship with him, but it was mostly good. They were trying to teach me how to live on my own, and although I had a full time job, I didn't know if I could do it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the world alone.

  Chapter 74

  I worked every day and because I didn't have a car, I had to walk. It was about a 10 to 15 minute walk, but the summers get hot in Grass Valley. Since I had served the divorce papers to Derrick, my young mind already considered myself to be separated. I hadn't talked to him in months, and I hadn't contacted his mother either. I knew that Danielle was safe and I missed her, but I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I definitely didn't have the money to hire an Attorney to get her back into my custody. Derrick's mom said that she would never keep her from me, but I had my doubts. They had her for quite a while, and they were most definitely attached.

  The best cure for my loneliness ….was boys! They were everywhere. I never knew how likeable I was until I was single! The first guy, Matt, was one I met working at the convenience store. The bad thing about him was that he reminded me of Derrick. The good thing about him was that he was a ton of fun. Nevertheless, he was still trouble. He thought he loved me, but I just couldn’t handle it. He was a member of some white-boy brotherhood group, and I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but I had a feeling it could only be trouble. The only times I called him to come over was when I was afraid that someone was going to break into my little studio and hurt me. I made him use his own blanket and stay away from me. I wasn’t ready to have another relationship and just needed the protection.

  The other guy that I periodically hung out with was a kid I went to high school with. We started talking on MySpace back when it was cool. He was a few years older than me, and I specifically remember him kissing me out of the blue when I was a freshman. We were both in the same P.E. class. He was still living in Tahoe, but he traveled for work. Every time he came to visit me I got super excited. It was nice to have someone around who was from the same hometown as I was. Apparently he didn’t ever hear anything about my million bags of baggage either.

  Then there was Jared. Our first date was amazing and we both liked each other a lot. He was a punk rocker in a band. When I saw him practice with his band, I was seeing stars. He was hot. Watching him play on his guitar like the hot guy from Blink 182 was really fun.

  All of them knew that I was legally married. I told only one person my entire story after feeling he could be trusted. His name was Nate. I met him while I was hanging out at a co-workers house, and she lived just down the street from me. Her name was Ashley, and she was a few years older than me. She was from Reno, and had moved to Grass Valley to be with a guy she met. We got along great, and she was always funny. She kept telling me about a guy named Nate and how she thought we would be so cute together. Finally, out of curiosity, I had her invite him to her house when I was going over for dinner. At first glance, I thought he was gorgeous, and he had a big, bright smile. After talking for a while, I knew pretty quickly that he was someone that I could definitely be friendly with. It was very easy to be myself around Nate, and I didn't feel like I was going to be judged for anything that I said. He wasn't boring. He was outspoken just like me. I ended up hanging out with Nate almost every day for the rest of my stay in Grass Valley. I also met his mom and siblings. He made me feel young again. Despite the fact that I felt like my depression was coming back, he kept me company and made my days fun. I didn't have any money for a Dr. appointment, and I was completely out of medication. Although I should have known that it was my depression coming back, I just blamed it on feeling insecure and missing my daughter.

  Once in a while, I would tell Nate that he had to go home. Sometimes I just needed to be by myself. On the other hand, it probably wasn't a good idea for me to be alone with my thoughts. Every night that I spent alone in my little studio apartment, my mind would wander off and think about Derrick. I would also think about our daughter and wonder what the best thing was to do. I started emailing his mother periodically, and I told her that I didn't have Internet access on a regular basis and that was why she hadn't heard from me. She accepted my excuse and was just happy to be in contact. By this point, I only had less than a month left of Probation providing that my upcoming hearing didn't go badly. Derrick's mom told me that her niece and her cousin applied to the university near their town. If she got accepted, she would be moving in with them for the duration of her school years. I had met her before and I liked her. At first I was excited about this, but then I wondered if I ended up going back to Texas, would be too much estrogen in one house. Derrick’s mom was talking about possibly coordinating the trip out there. Meaning that instead of flying, I would ride out there with her in her car.

  The big Court date had finally come. I initially thought it was going to just be for my case, but then I found out that Derrick was also going to be there, and he was going to have his sentencing as well. My grandparents drove me all the way to Tahoe because my mom was busy with school. My dad was also going to meet us at the Court to show his support and also give me the pictures that he was able to recover. I thought that it was really nice of him to do this for me, and it showed that he really cared. I was extremely nervous about going to my Hearing because I knew that it only took one decision against my favor and everything would change. I would go straight back to jail, and I would be starting all over again. I hoped that the Lawyers would see that I had left Derrick and was really making an effort to better my life. I was also nervous because I knew that Derrick was going to be there and my family was also going to be there. It was conflicting for me because I knew that my family didn't like him since he was such a bad influence on me over the years. It was still hard for me to not get upset over this, and as for myself, I didn't even know if I liked him. I loved him, but I wasn't sure if I liked him or wanted to be around him again.

  I was happy to see my Lawyer standing outside of the Courtroom as I walked through the metal detector. I wanted to speak with her before anyone else could hear what I was saying,
including Derrick. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her about my new living arrangement. "I don't know if it will make a difference or not, but I wanted to find out if there is any way that you can relay to the Judge and the District Attorney that I filed for divorce and left Derrick. I'd rather it not be done in front of Derrick because it just makes it really awkward." She said that she would try her best to quietly get the information to them. She told me that she wasn't exactly sure what they were thinking or what was going to happen. Based on her own knowledge, though, she said she would be surprised if they actually found me guilty of that crime.

  The Judge called the case, and Derrick was sitting at the table next to me. He looked like he was so happy to see me, and he asked me how I was doing. I was extra nice to him and said that I was doing well. He looked like he was going to become emotional. The Court went over my case before they called his. The Judge ruled that what I did was more of an act of a Good Samaritan than a crime and dropped the charge against me. I was so happy that I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I truly felt like it was a miracle and that maybe I still had hope for a good life. Derrick and his Lawyer looked over at me and congratulated me. I could tell that Derrick truly meant it, and he was honestly happy that they dropped the charge. It made me feel sad for him and what he was going through. He was not innocent of the crime, but the Court gave him two strikes and claimed that he used his fists as a deadly weapon. The Court called a ten-minute recess, and I really had to pee. They were going to call Derrick's case next, and honestly, it was just so awkward being in the same room with him that I didn't feel like I wanted to stay. I had my family with me and they were 100% sure I was leaving him. I was still unsure. I got a letter in the mail a few days after the Hearing. It was from Derrick.

  Hi Honey,

  It was really good to see you the other day, and I wish you could have stayed longer. I almost cried when I found out that you left for good after the break. I will always love you no matter what. You are the legs to my table, and that will never change, but if you are over me, I would really like to know. It will hurt a lot, but I need to know the truth so I can plan my future. The Court is giving me credit for time served, and I am going to be out of here in a few weeks. The only stipulation is that I have to leave the state of California forever. Before I leave, I have to do a series of Probation meetings in a weeks’ time, and I also have to register my fists as a deadly weapon with the state. If I ever get into trouble again, even in the smallest amount, I'll go to prison for the rest of my life - or at least for a minimum of twenty-five years. They gave me two strikes, but I was somehow able to convince them to just let me go. I promised them that I would never be back to California and I told them that I just wanted to go live with my family in Texas. I hope that you'll still want to go there as soon as you're off Probation. The suspense is killing me. I don't pray a lot, but if there is a God, I've been praying to him lately. I love you and please, please write me back.

  Derrick

  As I was finished reading the letter, my tears were falling onto the piece of paper. It was almost as if I could hear him talking. My mind was not acknowledging the negative aspects of our relationship. It was only thinking about the things that I loved about him. His quick wit, his funny sense of humor, and his overall sincerity when he told me he loved me. I began to feel like I just needed to go to Texas. I didn't have the same sense of belonging that I had known for such a long time. Living alone for the first time was terrifying, and I let my fears get the best of me. I felt empty because I had three children and none of them were with me. I knew that my third baby was going to be without me, and it was going to be because of my choices. I just couldn't do that to her. I began to write Derrick’s mom an email and told her that I would be ready to leave in a few weeks.

  Chapter 75

  When I think about depression, I think about it as an unwelcome personality. I believe that I spent at least 50% of my life living with depression, and I simply didn't know it. When I was as young as six years old, I always felt tired and weak. I never knew why. Everybody just assumed that I was having growing pains. I vividly remember my first day of second grade. I was seven years old, and I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit. Most kids are excited about their first day of school. I was incredibly nervous and didn't know how to handle it. I had a difficult time paying attention in my classes and occasionally my teachers would become frustrated with me and thought that I deliberately broke a rule when it was really just an accident. I remember my third grade teacher asking all of her students to stop doodling on their spelling tests. It didn't sink in. On autopilot, I began to doodle hearts. When I finished taking the test, she became angry me. In sixth grade, my teacher had chosen me to stand in front of the entire classroom so the other kids could give me compliments and then clap for me. She did this with all of the students on a weekly. She would always choose a different student. I didn't know why, but I was mortified. I started having facial spasms like I had Tourette syndrome. My face turned bright red. Mrs. Greenfield patted me on the shoulder. "It's okay, calm down," she quietly said. That's when I knew that my nervousness was obvious. I'm pretty sure that was when I had my very first panic attack. I was just eleven years old. All throughout Middle school, I felt dizzy at times, and I felt like I just wasn't in reality. Looking back on all of these strange things that happened to me as a little kid, I am now sure that they were symptoms of depression. I believe that I was born that way. Not of the fault of anyone else, but for some reason, my mind was constructed differently. I was always an intuitive child and extremely sensitive, perceptive and depressed.

  I knew what depression felt like because I recognized it after we had to take Danielle to El Paso. When I got out of jail for the third time, I was broken. My psychological self just couldn't handle any more and my subconscious was trying to send me warning signals that were manifested through depression symptoms and panic attacks. When I moved to Grass Valley, my depression came back after I thought it would be okay to stop taking my meds, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was when I was in Tahoe. I brushed it off and assumed that the only reason I was feeling this way was because I wanted to be with my husband and daughter. It was the easiest reason that I could come up with, and I knew exactly what I needed to do to fix it. Once I fixed it by moving to Texas, I knew that I would feel better right away.

  Not too long after I decided that I wanted to go to Texas, I quit my job. I was tired of working, and I knew that I was going to be out of California soon anyway. Derrick's mom sent me money to pay my bills and get some groceries. I slept all day, I would get up to make dinner and watch TV, and then get in bed again and go back to sleep. My mom would stop by a few times a week and bring me homemade ice cream or give me a ride to the grocery store to help me get food. Her homemade ice cream was the one thing that did cheer me up - talk about heaven in your mouth!

  When I quit my job, I'm pretty sure that my mom and my stepdad were starting to realize that I was probably not going to stay there very much longer. I knew that they were both disappointed. I didn't want to disappoint them, but I honestly just didn't know how to live alone, and I wasn't truly ready to completely end my relationship with Derrick. I didn't feel like I had enough closure to do that just yet. Additionally, I knew that if I didn't at least try to go to Texas to be with my daughter, I would never forgive myself.

  I was already planning my trip, and we had decided how I was going to get there. Derrick’s cousin was accepted into the University in Texas. She had to go to the University to do her paperwork, and I still had two weeks of Probation left. I didn't have any more meetings scheduled with Probation. The last time I had a meeting they pretty much told me to stay out of trouble and I would be free to go on August 23, 2009. I figured that as long as I followed their rules, it wouldn’t make any difference if I left two weeks early. I was already living in another town, which they knew about, so it's not like they were going to show up at my front door. We decided that we were going
to take off driving in mid-August. Derrick was released from jail in early August. I was making my dinner on a Friday afternoon and watching Extreme Home Makeover on my 8” inch television set when my phone rang. It was Derrick at the County Jail. He had just gotten out of Court and told me that he was being released. I was excited for him, and I wanted to go to Tahoe right away. I wanted to see him before he left for Texas.