You're Not Broken

by Hart, Gemma

  “I have some personal matters that I need to see to today,” I said, coming off more brusque than I wanted to. “So I can get Agent Carson down here to escort you to Maria’s.”

  Jessa stared at me through the mirror. I could see her chewing on her bottom lip as if debating something. Finally, she asked in a voice that clearly said she was putting her heart in her hands, “Do you have to go today? I’d rather have you with me than Agent Carson when I go out.”

  And I felt like the biggest asshole as I stood up and gave her a short shake of the head. “It’s important,” I said simply with no offer of explanation. After all, what could I say that wouldn’t put her in more danger? “I’ll call Carson.”

  I walked out of the room, feeling like I had just kicked a puppy.

  Since I wasn’t an FBI agent, I wasn’t technically required to be with Jessa at all times. Agent Carson would understand if I said I needed a few hours to take care of some personal matters. But of course, just like Jessa, I didn’t want to leave her either. I didn’t want her to go out under anyone else’s protection but my own.

  But as I dialed the number to the agent, I had to take in a deep breath and remind myself, I am protecting her. Staying away from me is protection for her.

  ***

  The salty air of ocean mixed with the greasy smell of tankers and ships at the docks. I leaned against one of the empty shipping containers as I waited. I had come out to this exact spot on a handful of occasions before. But never for just a meeting.

  Never to meet the real Raze.

  In a way, this was the first time I was really meeting Raze. All the things I had thought I had known about him before were really just lies. Now that I knew the truth, I was meeting the real man who had destroyed cities and lives with a frightening ease.

  I heard steady footsteps approaching. I straightened up, preparing myself.

  A dark figure rounded the corner of the container and just like that, I felt myself hurled back in time as I looked at my old club president, Raze.

  Like me, Raze was tall. He was thickly built with a neck that bulged with muscle and veins. Even though he was nearly twice my age, he had that hardened look that made him seem deadly even at his age. His arms were thick and were covered the dull shadings of a lifetime of tattoos. He wore his cut and I had a pang to see the Black Wings patch. After all, I had spent nearly a lifetime chasing it.

  Raze ran a hand over his thick gray stubble that was close to becoming a beard. “Ah, Steel,” he said, his nearly black eyes glinting at me in pleasure. “It’s so good to see you again.”

  I stood straight with my arms crossed and my feet planted. “Raze,” I acknowledged.

  A moment of thick silence filled the space between us. Even the greasy ocean air couldn’t cut through. We stared at each other as we assessed how much and how differently the other person had changed.

  Raze looked a little bit older, a little bit more ragged around the edges but for the most part, the man still looked like the charismatic and domineering leader I had followed at Low Pointe. With his overwhelming physical presence, Raze was a hard man to ignore.

  “I’m glad you came,” he said, his dark gaze roaming quickly over me, taking in how much I had changed in the time apart.

  I quirked a brow. “After threatening to kill an innocent girl if I refused, how could I say no?” I let the sarcasm pierce through my words.

  Raze lifted his head, breathing in deeply, as if he was breathing in my words. “I didn’t know you had such an affection for movie stars,” he said, his gravelly voice dry and harsh. His eyes took on a cold hardness. “When did you become such a simpering fan?”

  “Trying to keep people alive isn’t a crime,” I said forcefully, thinking of all the people that had died in Raze’s wake.

  It was clear Raze knew what I was talking about as well. “Some people aren’t worth keeping alive though, brother,” he said in equal force.

  “What do you want?” I demanded almost wearily. I wanted to be free from this. I felt dirty just being in the same space with Raze. Too many haunting memories of the sins I had committed came back whenever I was near him or the Black Wings.

  “Manuelo,” Raze said bluntly. “I need you to organize one last drop with him.”

  “Jax can do it,” I said. “Jax has worked with Manuelo before. I’ve even vouched for Jax when we did drops before. He knows him. There’s trust.”

  Raze shook his head. “Not like the trust he has in you. And this is a big one. It’s a record shipment and it’ll need the best man for the job. Jax can’t do it.” Raze pinned me with his black eyes. “Only you, Steel.”

  I flicked my eyes over Raze’s Black Wings patch, something I remembered dying to finally earn, and then looked up at him. “I’m not a member anymore, Raze,” I said slowly. “I’ve gone under.”

  There was a set code for riders and clubs. And one big motorcycle club code was once a rider went under, his decision and privacy was respected. A rider going under meant complete disconnection. He was now no longer considered a part of the club and his life is then considered a completely separate sphere from the club world. You never contacted, called, or saw a rider who had chosen to go under.

  Riders went under for dozens of reasons but every rider who went under also knew their responsibilities. Whatever activities you had been apart of in the club, illicit or not, were now buried. You never discussed it, you never acknowledged it. By going under, you were agreeing to lock away that part of your life into a vault, never to open again.

  I had gone under. It had been made clear when I had left my patch at the club. It was unthinkable for a club president to call an under member like Raze had done. It was even more unthinkable to drag an under member back into club affairs.

  “You made a mistake, Steel,” Raze said, his deep voice husky with disapproval. “You could’ve been my successor. You’re a good leader. You have it in you. You don’t have to stay under.”

  “I want to stay under. There’s no way in fucking hell I would lead a club as dirty and crooked as yours.”

  “As ours,” Raze corrected, his voice hard.

  “As yours,” I recorrected, my voice even harder.

  “Then consider this your farewell gift to the Black Wings,” Raze said, seeing that my resolve would not weaken. “Help us finish this last drop off with Manuelo and then you can go back to being some movie star’s lapdog.”

  My head shot up. “Last drop off?” I repeated, my eyes narrowing in suspicion. “What do you mean, last drop off?” Did he mean my last drop off? Or possibly…Manuelo’s?

  Raze waved a hand dismissively. “Has Hollywood made you so paranoid? Last is last! What more do you want? If you want your LA life so bad, then work with us and you can get back to being under that much faster.”

  Sure, but how many lives would I ruin by helping? How many people might die in this drop? Drops were never secure transactions and it wasn’t common for a man or two to die in the process. And if this drop was as large as Raze was saying it was then I could only imagine the additional harm this will spill onto Low Pointe. All the other clubs and gangs would descend on the small city like a plague of locusts all to kill just one man.

  But then, if I didn’t do it, what kind of harm would come to Jessa? Looking at Raze in person, I realized how much I had forgotten of the man. That slightly maniacal look in his black eyes, the growling snarl of his lips, the hardness of his body. The man did not do or say things lightly. If a threat had been dropped on Jessa’s head, I could very well believe that he would carry it out.

  There was always the FBI. I could let them know about what was happening. But I knew Raze had already made a contingency for that. If his plans were foiled by the FBI, a notice would be let out to at least half a dozen gangs in the area to go for broke and try and kill Jessa Blair with any means necessary. The FBI was on Jessa’s case but they weren’t prepared for an all out urban guerrilla warfare.

  I shook my head. “Let me
think on it,” I said.

  “Think on it?” he repeated. Raze huffed a laugh. “Sure, think on how pretty Jessa Blair’s little head’s going to look rolling down Low Pointe. Or think on how much I’ll enjoy her sweet pussy before I fuck her brains out.” Raze gave me a disgusted look. “Think on it,” he sneered derisively. “I’ll call you later to give you details. You stay handy with your phone, Steel.”

  I watched Raze turn the corner of the large container, disappearing. I heard the distant roar of a bike coming to life and the screech as it slid away. And I was left alone again with the greasy ocean breeze as I weighed the lives of everyone I held dear in my hands.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Rowan

  As I pulled up to Jessa’s gate, I saw a swarm of cop cars flashing their lights and a smaller brigade of quiet black sedans.

  FBI.

  What was going on? I had been so lost in my thoughts over my meeting with Raze that I hadn’t even noticed the flashing lights of the police cars until I had pulled up literally right behind them.

  Slamming the door shut, I ran up to the front gate. An officer was standing by the open gate copiously writing into a tiny notebook. I pushed past him.

  Jessa. I had to get to Jessa.

  “Sir, this is a private residence,” the officer said, stopping me by the arm.

  “I work here,” I said shortly, trying to get through without decking the man.

  The police officer looked at me doubtfully. “Can you prove that?” he asked.

  What the hell did he want? An employment contract? A picture of me with Jessa? Before I could lay into the man though, a voice called out from behind me.

  “Matthews!”

  I turned around and saw Agent Todd waving at me. I shoved off the officer’s hand from my arm and approached the agent without further obstacles. “Agent Todd,” I said. “What happened?”

  I looked around at the swarm of police officers and the handful of quiet agents that worked from the peripheral. What the fuck was going on? Where was Jessa? I felt my heart constricting.

  But before I could break out in a run towards the house, Agent Todd stopped me. “Miss Blair is fine,” he said, seeing the concern on my face. “Where were you today?”

  “I—” I could tell Agent Todd wasn’t accusing me of anything but he did look puzzled. Of course he was. Something had clearly happened and Jessa’s bodyguard hadn’t been present. Who wouldn’t be puzzled?

  “I had some personal matters I had to take care of today. I called in Agent Carson to take over for just a few hours,” I said, unable to give more information.

  Agent Todd nodded, a crease still between his brows. He couldn’t reproach me since after all, I wasn’t FBI but still, I should’ve been here.

  And as we approached the house, I realized just how much I should’ve been here.

  The beautiful open house with its large windows was completely smashed. All of the huge glass was completely shattered with just the naked frames standing in place. I did a quick scan. No blood, no bodies. But just seeing the shattered glass from the huge windows was frightening.

  “What happened?” I asked quietly. I looked around the property. I saw cops. I saw agents. I didn’t see Jessa. “Where’s Jessa?”

  Agent Todd looked over the broken glass. “They came home to this after lunch,” Agent Todd said answering my first question. “Agent Carson had called immediately after doing a sweep. Nobody was present, no traces so far of who might’ve done it, nothing stolen. Just all the windows smashed. Every single one. Even the small ones in the bathroom.”

  I looked at the house. Because of its open design, without its windows, the house was completely naked. It was open and vulnerable. That must’ve been what the stalker had wanted. To rob Jessa’s house of any illusions of protection. My knuckles cracked as my fists tightened. God, I just wanted five minutes alone with crazy fucker.

  “The odd thing is,” Agent Todd continued, “the front gates were completely unharmed.”

  That was odd.

  This was a violent act. The stalker had physically assaulted the house. But how would he have gotten in this far to do that? He had to have bypassed the gate. And yet, how could he do that without breaking it? There was a code to the gate and only Jessa’s personal team knew it. And that code changed every two weeks.

  I shook my head. “This fucker,” I muttered under my breath.

  The FBI agent nodded in agreement. “The fucker,” he agreed quietly. He shook his head then got down to the day’s mission. “So obviously, Miss Blair can’t stay here. Not only is the house now completely damaged but its been compromised as well. We’ve booked her in at the W Hotel.”

  I nodded. Good. There was no way I would’ve let her stay here anyway.

  “And,” Agent Todd started, looking me straight in the eye, “we’re now on high alert for Miss Blair. We can’t have her unprotected or uncovered now. We need you to stay with her at all times now, Matthews.”

  I felt guilt pour into me. The meeting with Raze had been unavoidable and yet I felt as guilty as if I had broken into the home myself. I should’ve been there for her. I could only imagine how scared she must’ve been when she had come home to see this mess. I could only imagine how scared she must be now.

  “Where’s Jessa?” I asked for what felt like the millionth time.

  Agent Todd kept a steady gaze on me. “Do you understand, Matthews?” he said. “I know you’re not officially a part of the Bureau but we hired you because of your exceptional background. We need you to consider yourself an unofficial member of our team. We need to know that you’ll be here with Miss Blair where both she and I can count on you.”

  I looked at the agent. Could I give such a promise? Raze was determined to have his drop made by me. I had just confirmed that. And he was not a man to be played with. If I refused, there could be more danger ahead for Jessa. I couldn’t always be by her side if I needed to leave at some point to organize this drop.

  But what if once I leave, something like this happened again?

  Jessa was in a dangerously precarious situation and the only person who knew exactly how dangerous it was was me.

  As my arguments raged within me, I caught sight of Agent Todd’s gleaming silver wristwatch. I had noticed all the agents wearing the same shiny watch. I had wanted to ask if they wore these watches when undercover because I could see their gleam a mile away. It was a dead giveaway. I really should give them a good lesson on camo.

  I shook my head, trying to clear it of all the random tangentials it was clinging to to avoid lying.

  But before I could answer with a false assurance of my never leaving again, I saw over Agent Todd’s shoulder Jessa stepping out the front door, carefully walking over the broken glass.

  I don’t know what I had expected when I saw her. Maybe swollen eyes from crying. Maybe her shoulders swathed in a blanket to keep her from going into shock. Maybe an officer or an agent putting an arm around her to keep her from falling apart from this clear terror attack against her most personal space.

  But I had not expected the Jessa I saw before me.

  I watched silently from afar as she stepped out in the same clothes she had gone out to lunch in. Her make up was still perfectly intact. Agent Carson approached her and murmured something to her. I watched her nod calmly and then give him a reassuring smile.

  She gave him a reassuring smile.

  The woman looked composed and calm, as if she had absolutely no problems with her house being totally wrecked. Her hands were steady and I saw no tear streaks from crying.

  This woman was unbelievable. Her house had just been attacked, her safety even more compromised than it already was, and she was assuring the men around her with calm smiles.

  Then, as if drawn by magnetic force, her head turned and her gaze caught mine. Would she glare at me for not being here when it mattered? Would she just ignore me? Would she also give me one of those calm, placid smiles as well?

&nbs
p; She did smile. But I saw it wobble. I saw her lips tremble every so slightly in the corners and I saw her eyes brighten just momentarily as tears swam up against her will.

  She was being brave. Unbelievably brave. She didn’t know who or why someone was doing this to her but she wanted to show the world that she was unfazed and that she would not be shaken.

  But she was shaken.

  She was scared.

  “I’ll be here,” I said to Agent Todd, my eyes glued to the unbelievable woman. “I won’t be going anywhere. I’m here to stay.”

  And I would. I didn’t know yet how I would make it work but seeing her work so hard to be so calm and so strong clinched the deal. I couldn’t leave her. She shouldn’t carry this fear alone. She needed to know someone was here who would fight for her. She needed to know I would be here to protect her, to guard her.