by Kelly Myers
“I want you,” I gasp. “I want all of you. Please.”
“I want you too,” Leo murmurs. “But I want to kiss you down there first.”
Without hesitating he slides off the bed and yanks my panties off. Then he pulls my legs towards him so that they dangle over the side. Then he kneels and presses his mouth right against my clit. This time, he doesn’t go slow. He starts sucking and licking with immediate fervor. I cry out. If he keeps this up, I’m going to come quickly.
“Oh God, oh God, Leo,” I cry. “I’m so ready.”
He slides his hand underneath my bottom as he rises to his feet. I blink up at him in all his naked splendour. He lifts my hips so they’re angled, and then, while maintaining eye contact with me, he plunges into me in one smooth thrust.
I moan as the angle causes him to hit me in just the right spot. And since he’s standing, he has complete control and much more power.
He begins to go faster, but I feel safe. The way he’s gripping me and watching my expressions of pleasure make me feel safe. I arch my back and gasp as he begins to penetrate me with more speed.
I feel myself plummeting towards the edge, and I know I want it. I want to fly over with him, and then I want to do it again and again, as many times as possible.
My entire body erupts with sensation as I fall into my orgasm, and in my ecstasy, my inner muscles pull at Leo’s cock, and I feel how it sends him over the edge as well.
We keep our eyes fixed on each other as we both cry and reach the peak of our climaxes. It’s so intimate that every nerve ending in my body is vibrating.
When we finally come down from our heights of satisfaction, my body is covered in a sheen of sweat. Leo pulls out and collapses on his back next to me.
I curl onto my side to look at him. I drink in the strong line of his jaw, and the handsome swoop of his hair. I reach out and touch his chest lightly with my fingers. I’m just so desperate to stay in contact with him. To my utter joy, he gathers me in his arms and tucks my head against his chest. I smile and drape one leg over his thigh.
“I’m sorry I didn’t use a condom,” Leo says. “Do you need anything or – ?”
“I’m on the pill, it’s fine,” I say.
And it is fine. I trust that Leo doesn’t have any STD’s, and I wanted to feel him inside me. I wanted him to come inside me. I wanted that connection. Now, no matter what happens, we will always have the memory of tonight.
I don’t know how to express all that I’m feeling though. Even if I did have the words, I would probably be scared to say them. I don’t know where Leo stands. I know he is attracted to me, but I also know we have incompatibilities and different visions for our future. Where do we go from here?
Instead of feeling the need to discuss, Leo seems happy to just cuddle.
After a few minutes, we both use the bathroom and then tumble back into the bed. He holds me for a long time, as my limbs go heavy with exhaustion. We turn off the lights and listen to the gentle noise of the lake water hitting the dock outside.
Then, in the darkness, we make love again, our two bodies moving slow and in perfect synchronicity. It starts with him touching me all over under the bed sheets until his fingers stroke me expertly. He turns me into a puddle of desire. When I’m mewling with want, he knows I’m ready for him, and he sinks into me and fills me to the brim. We can’t see each other, but we both hear our gasps and feel our climaxes.
Soon after that, I fall asleep, wrapped in Leo’s arms.
Neither one of us even mentions how the original plan was for him to sleep on the pull-out couch. I certainly don’t want him to leave the bed, and I doubt he does either.
In fact, only some freak of nature, like a fire or an earthquake, could get me out of the bed. It’s so warm and comforting to feel Leo breathing next to me, to press my back against his chest, and to have his hand resting on my hip, as if we belong to each other.
I might regret it tomorrow, but just for this night, I let myself belong to him. I pretend he belongs to me, not just fake, but for real.
23
When I wake up, I’m not sure where I am at first. The birds are chirping, and all the country sounds of the lake and the trees rustling in the morning breeze are totally foreign to me.
Then I remember. The night before comes back to me in a rush. The fight over my flirtation with Vince. My accusation that he wanted Abby. His rebuttal.
I reach up and touch my swollen lips and smile. He never did give me an explanation of what Abby was to him, but I was ok with his physical demonstration of how much he wanted me.
I roll over and see only an empty space. Then I hear the sounds of the shower. He must have woken up just before me.
A knot of fear settles into my stomach. How does Leo feel about our night of passion? The stakes are higher than last time. At least for me, last night felt like something more than casual sex. It felt like we were expressing something deeper. It’s new and confusing for sure, and I don’t know where it might lead, but I know there’s something between us.
As an artist, I like to think I’m pretty in tune to emotions. I know when they are present, and they were certainly present last night. I might not be able to define those emotions yet, but I know they existed.
I glance at the door to the bathroom and then at the clock. It’s almost nine. Since the wedding ceremony is at 11, we will have to get ready again.
My heart aches at the idea of seeing all those guests again. Everything will just get confusing. Our relationship will still be an act, but there will be little grains of truth embedded in it. I’m not sure what’s real and what’s fake anymore.
The high of last night starts to fade as I pull myself up. Worry settles over me as I wonder if I’m playing with fire. What if Leo doesn’t feel as strongly? What if it was just casual sex for him? And what if it wasn’t? Am I really ready to dive into something so new and intense with a man I could never have imagined myself falling for?
Leo and I aren’t exactly compatible. I know he judges my life choices and my career as a part-time singer, part-time barista, and I don’t exactly love his whole investment banker lifestyle. I can’t picture myself going to fancy dinners with his colleagues, and I also can’t really see Leo leaving his office and coming to my open mic performances.
Even trying to imagine a future together makes my head hurt. It’s pointless in any case until I know how Leo feels. We’re probably not on the same page at all. To be frank, I don’t even know what page I’m on. My head is spinning, and I feel disoriented.
I hold the bed sheet against my chest and lean back on the pillows. I feel like I should get dressed. I wasn’t uncomfortable sleeping next to Leo naked, but in the light of day, I feel exposed. I need protection. I slip out of the bed and grab the inn’s bathrobe from where I left it hanging in the closet. I’m safely wrapped up in it and perched on the edge of the bed when Leo emerges from the bathroom.
I look up and feel my breath catch at the side of him. He’s just as handsome in the morning as he is at night. His freshly washed hair is damp, and he’s wearing only a towel tied around his waist.
I force myself not to stare. Morning sex would only complicate this situation further. I keep my eyes on his face.
That kills any urge for more sex. He looks as awkward as I feel.
“Good morning,” Leo says.
“Good morning.” My voice, usually so calm and assured after years of being on stage, calms out timid and weak.
“The shower’s free if you need,” Leo says.
“Right.” I stand up. “I’ll just hop in.”
I shut the door and lean against it. It’s clear that Leo and I need to talk, but neither one of us knows how to begin the conversation.
I’m not even sure we should have the conversation right now. We have to get through the wedding ceremony after all. It might be best to just table any intense discussion.
I look at myself in the mirror and cringe. I definitely need to pull
myself together. My hair is a rat’s nest, and while I look well-rested, I also look shell-shocked.
I turn on the shower and let the hot water pour over me. I stay in there longer than necessary. I want to give Leo time to dress and get himself together.
When I emerge, I blowdry my hair, once again taking longer than I need.
I finally poke my head out, only to see that the room is empty. I spot a note on the bed. The bed is also made. I shake my head. Leo was cleaning while I showered which can only mean he’s filled with nervous energy and doesn’t know how to direct it.
The note says he went down to grab food and would be back with some for me. Clearly, Leo wants to give me some privacy as well.
Since it’s now past 10, I pull on the pink dress. It has a long fluttery skirt and adorable floaty chiffon sleeves. It’s my purely princess look, for when I want to be totally girly and lovely. I chose it because I figured it was the appropriate dress for the perfect girlfriend I was supposed to be. Now I almost regret that I have to wear it. The pink dress is one of my favorites, and now it is going to be forever tainted by this day. And if this day is wretched and stilted, I’ll never be able to wear this dress again.
Once the dress is on, I sigh at my reflection. I look great, but I also look like someone I’m not. I don’t feel put-together and poised. I feel like a mess. I feel like a reckless person who made absurd choices and got herself in a bizarre position. All these raging emotions, all this fear about what Leo and I are now, it was all totally avoidable if I had just behaved like a sane person and said, “Hell no, I will not pretend to be your girlfriend, no matter how much you pay me.”
I feel a lump in my throat. I want to call my friends.
No, I want to be with my friends. I want them to hug me and stroke my hair and tell me it’s alright.
I can’t bring myself to text or call though. Maybe it’s my pride. I don’t want to admit that they were right, this whole weekend has been a stressful journey, and now I’m feeling things I never thought I would feel for Leo, and I want to see where we go, but I’m so scared.
I think I’m also scared of what my friends would say. If they think I was projecting or suffering from some sort of mental breakdown. Knowing Zoe, she would get in a car and drive up here to pull me out and yell at Leo for playing with my emotions while she did it.
It’s not all Leo’s fault. Truly, he must be as confused as I am. He doesn’t know how I feel. He might think I’m just having some fun. He might think I’m a crazy actress who does things like this all the time because I get a kick out of manipulating people’s feelings.
I really don’t. For someone who loves to perform, I have a very low tolerance for drama in my real life. With past relationships, it’s just taken one fight or one confrontational scene to end things. I just walk away if things get to be too much.
I don’t want to walk away from Leo though. I’m scared to stay by his side, but I don’t want to leave either.
I sigh and start to put on makeup. I don’t do anything too crazy. Just some highlighter and mascara and lip gloss. I pull my hair into a bun on top of my head, but I leave tendrils hanging loose. All in all, the effect is nice, especially considering I’m distracted while I’m getting put together.
It feels like Leo has been gone a long time. What if he is just done with everything, and he doesn’t even want me to be his date for the rest of the wedding?
Am I his real date now? Or am I acting still? I can’t tell. Every time I call it an “act,” I remember the way I cried out in his arms last night. That was no act.
Just as I’m finishing up, Leo cracks open the door. He holds out a cup of coffee and a croissant.
“Thank you,” I say.
He nods and clears his throat. He’s already dressed in his tux, and of course he looks amazing. I nibble at the croissant and sip the coffee.
“You drink it black?” he asks. “I didn’t know how you take it but I brought some sugar and cream.”
He digs into his pocket and pulls out some packets. It’s so endearing to see him holding out sugars and creamers. He must have remembered my extra-sweet latte I ordered when we met for coffee.
“I’m fine with it black,” I say. “I like to mix it up.”
Leo quirks an eyebrow up. “That’s a little odd.”
“It’s just how I am.” I shrug and look down at the coffee. I can’t hold my tongue and exchange pleasantries anymore. “Do you regret last night?”
“No.” His answer is so fast that my shoulders relax in relief. He means it. I look up, and Leo has a look of anguish on his face. He grabs a chair and sits down next to me. “Marianne, last night was great and I – it was great.”
He puts his elbows on his knees and leans forward. It sounded like he was going to say more, but then refrained. I’m still confused, but at least there’s no regret.
“I just think we should get through this day, ok?” His eyes meet mine, and I instantly feel more calm. “Just get through the ceremony and reception without incident.”
“I agree,” I say. “It’s about Jacob and Melanie.”
I mean what I say. The last thing I want to do is cause a scene or get people gossipping if either me and Leo disappear or look distressed.
“Good.” Leo nods once. He doesn’t look particularly calm. In fact his face is riddled with anxiety. I hope he manages to put on his famous composure by the time we get to the ceremony. “Are you ready?”
I nod and stand up, making sure to brush the crumbs from my hands. When I look up, Leo is gazing at me as if lost in thought. He snaps out of it when I clear my throat.
Then he turns on his heel, and we walk towards the door.
The ceremony is nothing short of beautiful. There are a bunch of chairs set up on a flat lawn that overlooks the lake, and a picturesque gazebo for the bride and groom to stand under.
Leo and I arrive right on time and take our seats in the middle. We are quiet and calm. We don’t want attention. I take a breath and put on my Content Girlfriend face.
Leo is a groomsman, but they’re not standing up for the ceremony. It’s just the best man and the maid of honor.
I’m not usually a weepy person but to my utter mortification, I start tearing up almost as soon as Melanie walks down the aisle. She looks so happy in her radiant white gown, and Jacob can’t stop smiling at her.
I’m not a traditional girl. I don’t think marriage is the absolute best thing a woman can aspire to. I’ve never believed that I would definitely get married. I never planned my wedding day down to the last detail.
But even so, it’s beautiful to witness two people who are in love make their vows to each other.
As Melanie and Jacob go through their ceremony, I get more and more sentimental, and then I start to get guilty on top of that.
Because here are two people who are so devoted to each other and share such love, and I’m here making a mockery of the whole thing. I’m a fraud. A liar. An actress who is getting paid to pretend she’s in love.
What kind of person am I who agreed to fake a relationship in the first place? All this confusion and emotional turmoil with Leo is probably karma. I’m being punished for being so reckless.
I always thought my spontaneity and impulsiveness were good things. They led me to adventures. But maybe I’ve taken it too far. I’ve thought only of my adventures and not if any of those adventures are actually making the world a better place. And I want to leave the world a better place. That’s why I love music. I think a good song can change things, if only in a small way, for the good.
I believe all that, but here I am spreading lies and deception and probably messing with Leo’s head as well as my own.
My punishment is that the lies have stopped. My feelings for Leo aren’t fake anymore. At some point, things got very real between us. I don’t know if it’s the same for him, but I know I’m not acting when I’m with him.
As Melanie and Jacob are declared man and wife, I make my own v
ow. I promise to be truthful from here on out. I promise to be honest about my feelings. And I promise to never pretend to be anyone’s girlfriend ever again just because I’m unhappy with my life and need a distraction. In fact, I vow to avoid distractions entirely. That’s the only way I’ll reach my goals.
The bride and groom rush down the aisle, and everyone claps. A tear slips from my eye, and I quickly brush it away. When I look up at Leo, I can tell he saw. He looks sad as well. That doesn’t bode well for whatever conversation we’re going to have, but I won’t run away. That would be the coward’s choice. I’m gonna be honest with him, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll find a common ground.
I’ve spent a long time playing games, but now I’m going to face the music.
24
Leo takes my hand as we leave the ceremony, and he doesn’t let go until we’re under the reception tent. He pulls me behind a huge pillar of pink roses.
“Are you ok?” he asks.
“Yes, of course.” I flutter my hand in front of my eyes. “You know, I just get sentimental, I’m sappy like that.”
Leo nods. “We need to talk.”
“I agree.”
“But in private,” Leo says. “Once the reception starts to die down.”
He’s right. As eager as I am to be honest about my feelings, privacy would be best. So, I nod and let Leo lead me to our table.
Once we sit down, I start to relax a little. There are some really cool people at our table (finally a break from all the jerks) from Melanie’s side, and we all have a good time chatting about how amazing the wedding was. I don’t even have to tell any lies. We’re all so busy raving about Melanie and Jacob that no one asks me about my job.
Leo starts to relax as well halfway through the meal, and he even jokes about my little teary-eyed moment during the ceremony since the other women at the table admit to needing tissues.