Race Me in a Lobster Suit

by Kelly Mahon

  What got me into law was pressure from my entire family especially my dad. He’s a total hard ass and nothing is ever good enough for him.

  I am aspiring to get through this night without anyone catching me in this lie.

  I’ve attached a picture of Mount Kilimanjaro for your reference since you refuse to just Google it.

  You’re killing me here. This gets deeper and deeper. lol

  And I meant a picture of yourself. I would like to know who I’m lying for. I was asking a hypothetical question to loosen you up about the island, and I already looked up Mt. Kilimanjaro but if you do have a moment to send a quick pic or if you have Instagram, tell me your handle.

  If there’s anything else I need to know about this dream guy, feel free to fill me in. I have to start doing my cardiothoracic surgeon research.

  This has to be a joke. I only speak 2 languages so hopefully no one speaks to me in different dialect.

  Ryan Gosling? lol

  I hate to ask but I have to, what compensation for all this were you thinking of?

  How many people have you told this story to? Just wondering.

  And definitely a no go on a tat.

  Probably like 100 to 150 people are expecting to meet you and know the story. Now, we have to figure out this tattoo situation.

  Marker or henna. No tat.

  A henna will look obvious. I will pay for the tattoo and it will be really subtle, I promise. We’re getting down to the wire and I’m really starting to panic. You got measured for your tux and all, right? By the way, over the weekend we looked at houses in Westchester. We’re looking to buy.

  Yea sorry, that’s a no on the tattoo. It’s a bit much. Everything already sounds crazy and adding permanent ink to my body that’s not my choice is asking for a lot. And I wasn’t aware it was a tuxedo kind of party?!

  I mean, it’s a small tattoo. And yes, the event is black tie. Didn’t I tell you that?

  Sorry I must’ve missed it between the romantic judo surgeon and the unavoidable engagement story. That’s too last minute, are you covering the suit?

  My chest is getting tight over here. I will pay for both…

  I ain’t doing a tat.

  This keeps getting more and more ridiculous with this lie getting bigger and bigger.

  I know it’s overboard, but it’s something I told people. I guess maybe we can fake the tattoo with a thin marker before the event. I just don’t want to get caught…

  Listen…your email earlier hit a nerve. I was a little mad before, but I’m not anymore. But I sort of did tell a few people at the end of the day that I found some emails on your computer last night. Like, bad emails. We can probably get out of this.

  Ok, a lot of my coworkers aren’t your biggest fans right now. It all started with the emails I mentioned yesterday. We’ll just have to act like we’re trying to act like everything is fine when really we’re in a huge fight because you’re an asshole and you had an affair, does that make sense?

  Too many things to keep track of to be honest. I’ll keep track as much as I can, hopefully it won’t turn into a full blown interrogation considering this is a law firm after all.

  Hey….this is a really hard thing for me to tell you even though all of it was a lie to begin with, but…We broke up last night. I sort of just blurted it out this morning. Then I had to come up with a whole breakup story, it was exhausting. Anyway, you’re moving your things out of our apartment right now and I still haven’t decided if I’m going to the holiday party or not.

  Breakups are hard…even when they’re not real.

  Lmao!!!!!!

  Look forward to some awkward encounters.

  Free mattress

  Full mattress. Two years old. Tainted by the genitals of my grandfather. I will give you the mattress and boxspring for free if you please come get it tonight. I cannot have it in my home for another second. I caught my grandfather “hiding his snake in the bush” with his girlfriend this morning, as he so eloquently described it when I shamefully brought it up to him, and it has been haunting me all day. I don’t know where he heard that phrase, but my life is probably ruined. Apparently they have been fornicating in this bed every night for the past week without sheets. My only other option is to burn my apartment to the ground. Please come retrieve geriatric love pad at your earliest convenience.

  Oh my god. I’m so sorry you had to see that. I could use this for my guest room. Is it in good condition, other than the horrible mental images? I’m checking with a friend now to see if he can help me pick it up tonight.

  Thanks for your condolences. My siblings are housing him next time he’s in town—he’s absolutely impossible.

  I just gave the mattress a quick scan, and it looks like Pop Pop and his girlfriend ate leftover spaghetti in bed while I was at work last week like I asked them not to. I’m going to try to spot treat this tomato sauce stain. Would be great if you could pick it up in the next day or two. The sooner I never have to see it again, the better.

  I’m not sure it’s worth it with the tomato sauce stains. How big?

  Well, I managed to get the sauce out almost completely. I think if you just flip it, it’ll be like new. Did your friend answer about picking it up tonight? I have a Sleepy’s delivery scheduled for tomorrow morning.

  If I pick it up tonight, where will you sleep? I don’t think I can come by tonight, but if it’s a deal breaker I will try to find a way. How big was the stain?

  Don’t worry about me, I’ve been sleeping on the pullout in my living room since I gave them my room for the week. I just wanted to get rid of the mattress ASAP, but you can pick it up whenever works for you. The sauce stain was about the size of a closed fist but now it’s super light, plus it smells like Febreeze. Throw some sheets on this thing and you’re golden.

  Ok great, that sounds good. Tomorrow works, what time?

  Ok so I was lifting the mattress to move it into the hallway and I noticed there was a red wine spill on the other side. A bottle of Chianti did mysteriously go missing a day after he got here so there’s that mystery solved. He must have flipped the mattress to hide it from me, which also explains what happened to my sheets. I’m going to treat this stain and let it soak overnight and then tomorrow you can come anytime after 5 to pick it up and it should be dry by then.

  How big is this stain? Is it really noticeable? I’m not sure if this is worth it.

  It’s pretty noticeable, in fact it looks like he spilled the entire bottle. Don’t worry, I’m going to get going on this right now so this mattress will look good as new by the time you pick it up tomorrow.

  I don’t think you’re going to get it out, and it definitely won’t be as “good as new.” I’m scared that it smells at this point too. I think I need to pass on this, I would hate knowing that my guests are sleeping on these massive stains. Throw it out on the street and move on.

  Fran, trust me on this. This is a good mattress. It’s two years old. To throw it out would be a waste of over a grand. I’m willing to give it to you for free. I spot treated the stains, I’ve dumped an entire bottle of Febreeze on it so if anything, the bolognese and wine smells are completely masked by Mediterranean lavender at this point. And like I said, you can just cover the sauce, wine, and footprint stains with a sheet.

  Uh…footprints? Is this a joke?

  No, I noticed some footprints on the perimeter of the mattress when I was trying to remove the wine stain, like he was walking around on it? Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, like I said, just throw a sheet over it. You can come pick it up whenever you want, but tonight would be great. It’s still really wet but if you tie it to the roof of your car it’ll probably dry faster. It’ll also probably air it out some, which would be for the best.

  Ok, I’m going to have to pass on this. You really shouldn’t describe something
as “good” condition when there are weird stains all over it. I definitely don’t want my friends sleeping on something that needs to be “aired out.”

  Well, I put it on the street this morning and there was already someone asleep on it when I got home today so…I don’t think I need to tell you that you missed out on an incredible opportunity.

  Beggin’ for Beggin’ Strips

  I think this is a pretty simple job. I need someone who would be willing to make a weekly run to Petco for me to stock up on Purina Beggin’ Strips. It would just be a bag or two a week, preferably of the bacon and cheese flavor. I’d do it myself, but I can’t go to the one near my apartment anymore since the manager figured out I don’t have a dog. I’d just need you to pick up the strips and deliver them to my apartment, where I’ll have you feed them to me for doing tricks. Serious inquiries only please. I’ve been toyed with enough.

  I’ll pick them up for you for $100 a bag you freak

  Ugh. Honestly, that’s steep. But you’re the only one who’s replied so maybe I’ll do it. You better be willing to toss them into my mouth for that price.

  When are you available?

  How about tonight

  Take back the freak comment…

  Fine

  Say it…

  I take back saying you’re a freak

  Thanks

  Why do you eat dog food

  It’s not dog food. It’s a dog treat. You’ve never tasted a Beggin’ Strip, that’s pretty obvious.

  Yeah, I don’t eat dog food.

  Treats*

  Whatever dude, so what are the details. What do I need to do.

  Bring me the treats, hello? And watch me devour them.

  I don’t need to watch.

  What is wrong with you bro. Can we meet up somewhere so I know you’re real.

  Ok but you need to pick a place that is nowhere near Petco, please be diligent about finding a location because I cannot be seen by the store manager. By the way are you ok with the tricks thing.

  Omg. What tricks.

  Sit, lie down, paw, sit pretty. Possibly fetch.

  No. And I don’t want to watch you eat dog food either.

  Ok, you really need to stop calling it dog food.

  Too weird. Forget it.

  Apologize to me right now.

  Volunteers for free cryotherapy

  Hey, I am trying to start my own cryotherapy business from my apartment and in order to get it off the ground, I’m going to need some volunteers to come in and give it a shot for free. I’ve created a full body chamber in my shower using an ice maker and an air conditioner. Email if interested and I will explain in further detail. You won’t find a deal like this on Groupon.

  I am interested - what does it entail?

  Hey there. Thanks for reaching out. First of all, are you familiar with the many benefits of cryotherapy?

  Not really. It reduces pain right?

  Where do I begin? It’s true…cryotherapy can be used to heal injuries or sore muscles, but that’s not all. It can also slow down signs of aging and help burn hundreds of calories, potentially boosting your metabolism.

  Think I’m finished? Because I’m not. Cryotherapy can also reduce anxiety and depression. Have eczema? Cryotherapy can reduce the symptoms. Worried about dementia? Guess what? Cryotherapy can prevent it.

  That seems like a lot, but I also don’t have any of those issues…

  Ok well it can also simply enhance health and wellness overall. If you’re interested, I can just tell you about my process.

  Sure, I’d be open to hearing about it.

  Ok, so a normal session is about 2-3 min long, not including set up. Since my chamber is homemade, the set up takes a little bit longer. I’ll be conducting the session in my standup shower at home. There’s a glass door that shuts securely and a space between the ceiling and shower for access. The way it will work is you’ll step into a cold shower and I’ll lock you inside. I’ve mounted a portable air conditioner and aimed it down to hit you directly from above.

  Is that it?

  No, once you’re locked into the shower with the AC blasting down on you, I’ll begin to manually dump buckets of ice cubes into the shower from above. You can opt to wear a helmet. I’ve invested in an industrial ice machine (like the ones you see in hotels) so I will have large quantities of ice on hand. When the shower is mostly filled with ice, I’ll turn the timer on for 2-3 min.

  So what you’re saying is that I will be in your shower in a helmet as you dump ice cubes on my head?

  I’m not aiming for your head. I’m just dumping buckets of them from over you so one or two might land on your head. And the helmet is completely optional.

  What is the purpose of this exactly?

  Do you remember all of the benefits I mentioned earlier?

  How many people have done this with you before?

  You would be the first. I tried giving myself the treatment and things went awry. You need someone to be standing outside the shower to manually dump the ice.

  I don’t know - it seems a little dangerous…

  Just wear the goggles and helmet if you feel that way. Honestly, the benefits of cryotherapy outweigh the dangers of my makeshift chamber. The only thing I could see maybe being worried about is if my shower door gets jammed again and you’re trapped under 200 lbs of ice for a little while, but I really don’t think that’s going to happen.

  Wait….‘jammed again’? This is sounding more and more dangerous. Not really seeing the benefits of this for me.

  Don’t worry about that. Look, if the door gets stuck, I will pass you a hairdryer over the top of the glass to melt the ice.

  Now you’re passing me a blow dryer in a shower? This is absurd. No thanks.

  ONLY if the door jams.

  This is ridiculous. No thanks…

  Personal “chef”

  Basically, I’m looking for someone to come over at night to nuke and plate my TV dinners to make eating them less depressing. Just come over, pop the meal in the micro and arrange it on a plate in a way that is pleasing. Maybe add a sprig of parsley. I dunno. Make it look like it would in a restaurant. I know I could do this myself, but there’s just something incredibly pathetic about that. Don’t feel bad, I love frozen dinners. They’re just depressing. I’ll also pay you to stay while I eat it…My god, I am so fucking pathetic.

  I can actually cook! So if you would like to discuss weekly food options that can be prepared in your home or mine and delivered please let me know. You pay for cost of food, reusable containers and I am paid an hourly fee for my time.

  Thank you.

  Awesome. I have enough options for several weeks and they all come in plastic trays that I am pretty sure are 100% recyclable. You can come for however many hours you want. How are your plating skills on a scale from 1 to 10?

  5-7 plating depending on food. You did see I have an hourly rate for this.

  Yes, I did. Cathy, I have to say I’m a bit distracted by that 5-7. Plating and presentation skills are probably the most important part of this job since most of this food has the exact consistency of gruel.

  Thanks for getting back to me. Sounds like you really need a food stylist. I am a cook/chef. I don’t normally serve. I execute recipes etc. Good luck.

  But you will also be cooking the meals?

  Yes, you and I can discuss what you might like as I have no way of knowing. I can cook at your house or mine. I have NOT worked in restaurants. I can provide references. I can keep kitchen organized and make sure you have groceries and what is needed in pantry. I have another business as well that doesn’t involve food. I handle people’s personal/biz life.

  Thanks.

  Ok great. So I really love the Thanksgiving style meals with tur
key and stuffing and this cranberry paste-like gook…it comes with this brown stuff I assume is gravy. My second favorite would probably be fish sticks and mashed potatoes with mixed up peas, carrots, and corn. There’s this meatloaf one that I also really like that comes with peas and mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are pretty much a staple in these things. I have a bunch of all of these in the freezer now so you won’t have to worry about restocking for a while.

  So to clarify: You are ok for now but you would potentially want me to cook what you listed or similar in the future?

  No, that is what I want you to cook for me now. But you don’t have to buy any of the ingredients because I have them all. They are all in the tray you will be cooking in the microwave. Unless you want to add some garnishes. Does that make sense?

  Is this food already cooked or you just need plating? Sorry not clear

  It needs to be heated in the microwave and then plated beautifully. Add maybe a garnish or two. And then there’s the matter of serving it to me restaurant style.

  And what are you paying for this service??

  Well it depends on whether you do this long term or not. How authentic are you willing to make my experience? How will you garnish the plate? At this point I should mention I have a severe allergy to parsley. Do you know how to use an epipen?

  I’m sorry I just don’t think we are on the same page here.

  Good luck.

  I’m going to try again. We’ve chatted prior. Why not just hire a personal chef? Better quality of food AND exactly what you want. Left overs won’t be a drag. Food shopping as well.