Race Me in a Lobster Suit

by Kelly Mahon

  Sorry, I’m all out of ideas! What happened?

  I dropped a tray of lasagna. My kitchen is officially a disaster area. In case you were wondering, the phone was not in the lasagna that fell…

  Hey, did you find it?

  No. My boyfriend is here now to look for it. He just went into the bedroom. I’m freaking out. Send. Send.

  Oh my god. The phone isn’t on silent. It’s ringing.

  I told you to call it! Did he hear it?

  No. I’m going to try to distract him now.

  Come on, where are you going? Give me a kiss. Babe I have to get back to work. I’ve been gone for an hour. I heard my phone ringing in here. Did you hear it? What phone? What are you talking about? My phone. It’s in here. I heard it. Come on. Stop unbuttoning my shirt. I’m just happy to see you. Why are you being weird? What happened in here?

  LOL!!! You’re crazy!

  I’m turning off Siri because she’s out of control. He found the phone. It was in the oven and it’s broken. He went back to work.

  Is he mad?

  Yes. And the picture is already in his iCloud.

  He’ll get over it. It’s too hysterical to stay mad. I don’t know if this was real or not but it made my day. You all are nuts.

  Need exterminator/exorcist

  I need someone to please come exorcise my apartment. When I first moved in six months ago, I started hearing these strange scratching sounds at night. About a month into my lease, I realized there was a rat living in the walls. He would scamper around like a mental case and keep me up for hours each night. I set some traps and after a few weeks I caught him, but I believe his spirit remained. I think he has some sort of unfinished business. I’m assuming it’s a box of Triscuits I recently discovered he’d gone to town on. I still hear scratching some nights and yesterday I found some little phantom poops in one of my cabinets. If anyone has any experience in dealing with rat ghosts, I could really use your help. Will pay full expulsion price.

  $100. What’s your address, I can stop by tomorrow night.

  Hey man, thanks so much for reaching out. I’ve had a couple of others email about this and they really did not understand the problem or have any idea what they were talking about. This thing has kept me awake for several nights with its scampering and clawing and shrieking directly into my ear all night. How do you plan to get rid of it?

  I can stop by tomorrow evening to take a look and come up with a quick plan. I’ll bring needed supplies.

  What are the supplies?

  Traps and stuff. Is tonight good for you?

  Sorry, but won’t this guy just glide right through a trap?

  No—I’ll definitely take care of this. Let me come—take a look set something up. If it works, you’ll pay me—if not—no charge. We’ll give it a couple of days to work. Let me know before 6 PM so I can set my schedule.

  I booked a hotel for the night since I haven’t slept in so many days. I figured I needed a break from the demon, so not tonight but I’d love your help later in the week.

  Here is my concern.

  Ok—let me know.

  Ok. Assuming you’ll probably want to perform some sort of séance or something. If that is the case, is there anything I should get? I have sage and a Ouija board. While I don’t have a photo of this particular rat, I managed to find and print one of a similar looking rat off the internet. I read that a photo of the deceased helps with this sort of thing, but you tell me.

  No—nothing like that—once I come and take a look I will be able to give an assessment.

  Ok. Will you perform the ritual in the same night as the “assessment”?

  Just let me know when you’re available.

  I can be available tomorrow night but I want to make sure I’m prepared. What do I need to get? Candles? A crucifix???

  Wait—I work in Manhattan—Battery Park to East 81st. I travel the city—give me a window as to when I can pass by—let me take a look first to see exactly what’s going on. Then I can let you know right then and there. You do not need candles or anything else.

  Hey, you are the exorcist. You know best. I just want to be completely prepared for whatever ritual it is you’re coming to perform. Should I wear anything specific or no? Sorry for all the dumb questions, this is my first exorcism.

  No you don’t need anything or anything special to wear.

  Ok, so I’m just wondering, will I be speaking directly to the rat at any point? All I know about this stuff is from researching it online but I read somewhere that it’s possible that I could be talking to the poltergeist through you. Does this mean you’re going to come to life as the rat, man? Because that’s some scary shit. How big are you?

  No—nothing scary—let me check this out for myself first.

  Stop worrying—I’ll take care of it.

  Hey, sorry Father. I just want to be prepared. I bought like five pounds of salt. I read if you sprinkle it around it wards off evil spirits and I’m really starting to think this rat is an evil spirit, he has not let me sleep in a week. Last night at the hotel, I finally had some peace and quiet and all I could think about was the rat and the sounds it was probably making back at my apartment.

  What’s your address?

  I booked another night in the hotel. What do you think about the salt? Is that an old wives’ tale or do you think it works?

  No salt. No gimmicks or wives’ tales. Just give me a time window, a date and your address.

  You’re not gonna believe this but I got home today and I have a new live rat in my apartment. How the hell are they getting in? He ate through a box of cereal and pooped all over the counter. He ran away and now I can’t find him. And it’s only a matter of time before the ghost makes his presence known. Do you think they can communicate???

  Hey just let me know when I can stop by. I can’t help you if I can’t come by!

  Ok. I’m going to set traps tonight to catch this second son of a bitch because he is wreaking havoc in my pantry. I will let you know what happens, but in the event that I catch him and his soul returns like the last one, what do I do? I will be outnumbered. Is this a bad idea? You are the poltergeist/exorcism expert. Will we be able to expel two of them, YES OR NO.

  Yes.

  Mike listen, I caught the rat in a trap and drove its body out to Long Island to dispose of it far enough from my apartment that its spirit could not return. I ended up leaving it in a Sleepy’s parking lot in Ronkonkoma. I’m a little worried, do you think this is going to work? Please advise.

  If you hear anything, let me know. I’ll come by.

  Someone to keep my family in line at my 4th of July BBQ

  Long story short, my family is a bunch of animals. I opened my pool this weekend and had a bunch of them over for the day on Saturday. Huge mistake. I already committed to having a 4th of July party prior to witnessing the events that transpired this past weekend. I need someone essentially to come over and keep them in line on 7/4 because I cannot do it alone. Email me and let’s talk about how we do this.

  Hello, very interesting ad. I’d like to know more if possible. Feel free to email or text me, xxx-xxx-xxxx.

  All the Best,

  Dave

  Hey Dave, thanks for your email. I’m at my wit’s end with these barbarians. They made a goddamn mess at my place on Saturday. I’ve come up with some general rules for all guests as well as very explicit rules for certain family members who have a history of more specific party fouls. I can take you through each of them if you’d like. You might find this funny, and that’s fine as long as you help me bring some order to my next gathering.

  I do find it a little funny, but hey I understand you have standards for people and how they act. If you’d like we can text or get on a call to discuss this.

  Email works best for
me at the moment considering my phone ended up at the bottom of a beer cooler on Saturday, but I should have a working phone in the next few days. I’d also like you to have this stuff in writing for your reference, but closer to July 4 if you have any questions I’d be more than happy to jump on a call.

  Yeah that’s all fine, if you wanna outline everything for me now that would be great.

  Ok, let’s start with the pool and what belongs in it. Or more specifically, what does not. Loose bandaids do not. Food does not. Excrement of any kind most certainly fucking does not. I had to drain my pool on Sunday and I don’t want to do it again. I need you on bandaid patrol. I picked five loose bandaids out of my pool this weekend. FIVE. No one is to go near that pool with a bandaid on. Tell me you understand this. Also, bathroom breaks are mandatory. Every half hour, especially my grandpa. Same rules apply to the hot tub.

  That all sounds reasonable. Another question is, is there compensation on my part?

  Yes, you tell me what you think is a good ballpark for this after you hear everything I need you to do.

  Well I’m not actually too sure. I have full confidence I can handle the crowd but I’m also factoring in that I’m kinda giving up my holiday.

  It’s a Wednesday man, but I get it. By the way you’re totally welcome to use the pool and enjoy the BBQ so long as you pay attention to everything and aren’t wearing any bandaids. Let’s keep going and you tell me what you think.

  Ok sounds good.

  Really killed the mood. Also, please make sure my mom has a full glass of Pinot Grigio at all times. She’s much more pleasant when she’s on the wine.

  Ok.

  Cool. So then there’s my Uncle Ted. He’s a raging alcoholic. I’m just gonna say it. If he swings at you at any point, just punch him in the face. I don’t even care. If you don’t feel comfortable slapping around a drunk man, lock him in a closet and I’ll deal with him in the morning.

  I have no problem hitting someone lol

  Dude you’re the man. Next: if my Aunt Edna so much as mentions politics, push her in the pool. I’m not kidding. You’ll recognize her because she’s the super old racist lady in a wheelchair. One word, and she’s in the deep end. No excuses.

  Lol seems like this is a huge joke.

  Dude I’m not joking. She never makes it through a gathering without offending someone and I’m sick of it.

  Understandable.

  Of course it is. So we’re all clear on what you need to do?

  All clear, no questions.

  Great. So you’ll beat the shit out of my uncle and toss my 90-year-old aunt into the pool if she acts out. You’ll keep my parents occupied on either end of the yard and be on high alert for any loose juicy bandaids. You know, I’m actually starting to feel a little better about this barbecue.

  I think I can handle it.

  Hey Dave, 911. Spoke to my dad this morning and he asked if he could bring his new girlfriend to the BBQ. I was reluctant but think she’ll keep him pretty occupied. My mom on the other hand needs to be distracted. Any chance you’re single?

  I’m actually not single.

  Well if you won’t tell, I won’t. I might need you to hook up with my mom, man.

  Ok Dave, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You can say if you don’t want to. I just wanted some way to keep her busy so she and my dad and Renee don’t have to interact. It’s a fuckin headache.

  No it’s ok. I’m working so I can’t always answer right away, I’ll see what I can do.

  Ok good. My mom’s a nice lady. To be honest, I was a little offended when I thought you wouldn’t even be willing to give her a little kiss.

  I just have no idea who she is yet.

  I’ll introduce you when you arrive and once the Pinot Grigio starts flowing she’ll be hard to forget. Please keep her away from my dad. That’s all I’m asking.

  Sounds good, have you thought about compensation?

  Not really, have you?

  I have but I don’t want to throw out a number and offend you. I’m trying to figure out what would be fair.

  Dave, not to go off topic, but I’ve just been thinking about this and if you started dating my mom that would mean you’d be at most of our family functions and I wouldn’t have to worry about this shit anymore. Are you in any way into this?

  Sounds a little extreme.

  I know I haven’t painted my family in the best light these past few days but what family doesn’t have its drama? They’re a fun group dude. They’re just a lot but at least we’d have each other.

  Trust me I have a huge family as well and I don’t like most of them.

  Well it looks like you might be joining ours. Get this…I emailed my mom before to tell her about you and this is what she just replied:

  “Wow, Dave sounds so amazing honey. I can’t wait to meet him. Thank you so much for setting this up. This is going to be a holiday to remember. Hopefully your father doesn’t bring that hoochie from Gwendolyn’s Baptism but now even if he does it won’t matter. I’ll have Dave on one arm and my Pinot in the other. By the way you need to let me know what I have to bring. Did you like that potato salad I made last weekend because it looked like nobody touched it and I really don’t need to waste my time.”

  Dude, she’s so into you.

  I love potato salad. How do you not have a phone yet, must drive you crazy to not be mobile.

  I usually like it too, but she uses way too much mayo. You should tell her. She’ll listen to you…So I’ve been trying to figure out how to navigate this whole money situation now that we’re pretty much family without it being awkward. You probably don’t want to work the party anymore anyway right? Like working for your girlfriend’s son…that might be weird?

  Have a good one dude. I can’t entertain this anymore lol

  Need urine samples

  I am collecting urine samples to bring with me on an upcoming camping trip. Doesn’t have to be clean. Just has to be from a human. No dog urine please. The scent of a large predator is frightening to many animals and scares them off quickly and no predator is more dangerous than a human. Sad but true. Email if interested and we can set up the exchange.

  Hey if this is what it’s actually being used for, then sure. Is it paid?

  Hi there, I assure you this is for sprinkling around the tent at my campsite. No predator will dare bother me once the scent of urine enters their nostrils. If you don’t mind my asking, how many glasses of water a day would you say you drink?

  Ok. About 8 usually.

  Eight glasses a day! Very healthy intake. So if you are also drinking other liquids, we are talking about 2L a day. You don’t do any hard drugs, do you?

  No.

  Good. Let’s discuss a schedule. I’m thinking a couple of liters a day will put you at about 40-45 liters by the time I’m ready to take my trip. That should definitely last me for the week around camp and on my daily treks through the forest.

  That is a lot…Where are you going?

  It will be just enough, yes. I’m going camping in the middle of the woods so I’d like to douse the land around my tent every night to repel hungry animals. I’ll also be hiking during the day and would like to fill some spray bottles to keep in my daily pack, so the more the better.

  Ok, well where are you located and how do you want to do this?

  You don’t have to worry about that one bit. I will come to you to pick up the repellent.

  Ok, when is this trip anyway

  In one month.

  And how do you want to get the stuff from me?

  I’ll come to your apartment to pick all of it up. Would you mind storing it in mason jars or glass containers? Just no plastic. It’s terrible for the environment.

  Are you providing containers? When am I supposed to sta
rt doing this…

  Tonight would be great. I really want to make sure I have enough of the stuff to last. I’d like to very generously sprinkle it everywhere around camp if possible. I don’t want any grizzly bears, wolves, or the like trying to get into my tent to eat me.

  And you’ll come by when, to pick it up when?

  The night before my trip I will swing by to load up the car with all the jars you have saved and pay you for your services.

  Yes, but they will be sealed in jars. In fact, I’m starting to think canning jars would be the best idea to preserve it. Just keep them in a corner until I come.

  And tell people what????

  Why do you have to tell people anything? Who are these people?

  Anyone who comes to my apartment?? My roommates? What am I supposed to tell them when they ask me why there are 50 jars of pee sitting in a corner?? You must be out of your damn mind. I’m out.

  Just drape a sheet over the jars.

  Ok fine. I have to take a drug test…

  Looking to barter my stuff

  Just moved to the city and I’m pretty low on cash. Looking to start bartering my things. Email if you have some stuff you want to trade and we can open up the conversation. Currently, I’m looking for some kitchen items. Pots, pans, etc., but am open to other appliances as well. Let me know if you have any of these things to spare. Maybe we can turn this into a regular thing.

  What kind of stuff do you have? I have some pots/pans you may be interested in…