The Memories of Ana Calderón
Page 23
The sound of the ebbing waves receded and Amy’s voice suddenly sounded inside of me. She was repeating the Hagar verses, those telling of the slave girl being cast out into the desert, and of her fear because she desired to live. I closed my eyes, partly because the sun was now coming over the horizon and its brightness was almost intolerable, but also because I was straining to reach farther into my memories, trying to unravel the mystery of Hagar and what meaning it had for me. I wanted to return to the ranch and to the kitchen table where Franklin and I had sat listening to Amy.
I gazed at the emerald-colored water as it connected with the deepening blue sky, and then I looked into myself, remembering the words I had uttered while I was still a young girl. “It seems to me that the Lord saved Hagar because she was important on her own, because she was who she was. She came first, and God needed her so that her son could exist. That means that Hagar was more valuable than her son.”
My body stiffened and I yanked my feet out of the sand when I remembered how Amy had answered my interpretation of the verses. “Well, now, I’ll just have to give this whole thing a bit more thought.” Yet, she never again said what she really thought. Not until now, after her death, when she finally showed me the verses that told of Hagar’s importance; that she had been heard because she was she, and because her distress had meaning, even if Ismael had not existed.
I began to see that what Amy must have meant was that despite my father’s hateful curse, despite Octavio’s betrayal, despite my sins, and even after finding Ismael only to have him disappear from my life, still, like Hagar, it was for me to choose to go on living because I was given a life to live. This thought coursed through me. It gradually flooded my being, freeing me at last from the desert of worthlessness into which I had been cast by my father’s disdain.
I rose from the sand and stood with my face lifted to the morning sun. I felt its warmth bathe my forehead and cheeks. After a while, I turned away from the water’s edge and began to make my way back home. I was at peace because now I understood that I had lived and loved, and that I had discovered the value of who I am.