SERENITY: A Path Home (Beauty 0f Life Book 6)

by Laura Acton

  “Regardless of how I departed this life, it was my time no matter what you did or didn’t do. God called me home. He has a plan for me. I embrace that with all my heart. My faith was always stronger than yours, and I recognize accepting I died and you were not able to protect me will be hard for you.”

  Dan could only stare at the dashboard. He hung on Brody’s every word. Over a year and a half had passed since hearing his brother’s voice. Dan’s vision blurred with fresh tears and he pursed his lips together forcefully to stop them quivering as his knuckles turned white gripping the steering wheel.

  Brody cleared his throat. “I hope you’re not alone listening to this, but if no one is with you, you still aren’t alone. Hope our brothers are here. If so, hi guys. What I need to tell Danny goes out to all of you too. Thank you all for being in my life and being my family, the brothers I always wanted.

  “Thanks for always being there for Danny, or Blondie if you insist. Man, you all sucked at naming. I mean Blondie and Thumper … come on … but oh, well. You guys comprehend what is coming and how to alleviate our little brother’s anxieties. He needs you, and I trust you all with Danny’s life.

  “If someone else is here with Dan, perhaps his beauty, well, I have a favor to ask of you. Please sit back, relax, and don’t interrupt. Music soothes the soul and allowing him to concentrate is crucial. If he is important to you, you’ll remain quiet and give Danny his space to process his emotions. Oh, and in my defense, I like all kinds … rock, jazz, celtic, gospel, classical, country, pop, oldies, alternative … to name a few, not just hard rock like Dan.”

  Scott, Jeff, Adam, Zach, and Kyle shared a glance then turned to assess Dan. All of them recognized the lost look in his eyes. They had witnessed that expression often this past summer when he woke from nightmares. They prepared to do as Brody requested and stay quiet.

  Brody’s voice softened as he said, “Alright, Danny, we both know your mind and emotions are in overdrive. I created a playlist to guide you through the process one last time. Sadly, we’ve done this way too often. So, here goes … you’re likely sitting in the driver’s seat … took you a long time to turn on the truck. Right? Yeah, I’m right, aren’t I? No driving yet. Sit right there until your head is in the right space and don’t worry if it takes a while … the gas tank is full. Just make sure the storage door remains open … NO joining me yet.”

  “I’m quite familiar with how much you looove soft rock and the melodies of Captain and Tennille … no, you can’t close the door now … I promise this is the only one of their tunes I’ll torture you with. Before we begin, I read that the lyricist, Bruce Johnston, stated the ‘I’ in this ballad is ‘God’ and he believes songs come from the spirit of creativity in all of us. I agree with his sentiment. Please allow God’s spirit to enter your heart bringing you light and solace.”

  ‘I Write the Songs’ played on the stereo. Dan recalled this tune—one of many Brody tortured him with on their sixteen-hour drive from Halifax to their new duty station in Petawawa. Memories of the trip filled his head as Dan unconsciously began softly singing along.

  A ghost of a grin crossed Scott’s face as he listened to Dan. Apparently, Brody understood how to connect with Dan—a real blessing.

  Once the music faded, Brody said, “You were singing weren’t you. Yeah, don’t try to deny it. Good thing I didn’t play ‘Muskrat Love’ … you’d have shut this off for sure. I understand processing your conflicting emotions will difficult. Given how most things went down over there, I doubt we got a chance for parting words, so here is a song for that, brother.”

  As ‘Goodbye’ by Amy Jo Johnson began to play, Dan teared up again, mourning Brody while listening to his farewell song. Dan’s expression twisted into a pained grimace and he hid his face in his hands as he wept.

  Jeff refrained from reaching out to hold Dan only because Brody asked them not to interrupt. Watching Runt cry was heartbreaking. The depth of his cousin’s pain etched on his face, and all he wished to do was console him.

  When the song ended, Brody spoke again. “This isn’t really goodbye, Danny, more like see you later. I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven. You’ll be going to Heaven. Your soul is one of light regardless of how many lives you had to take. The light shines in you. You and I held each other together for so long. Thank you for all you did for me. For helping me live my dream.”

  Brody’s voice faded and ‘Wait’ by Broken Fences filled the silence. Dan wiped his eyes and took several breaths as he listened. He bit his lower lip trying to quell the pain in his heart. Brody always saw his weakest face and never made him feel less of a man when he did. Brody was still there for him, picking him up when he was down.

  A prolonged silence pervaded the area after the melancholy tune finished. Choked with emotion, Brody said, “Danny, you may have fallen, but I’m here to pick you up. Not in a physical way, but spiritually I’m always here for you. All you need to do is talk to me, and I will always listen. This next one expresses so much of what I believe.”

  The quiet calm, lyrical sounds ‘Psalms’ by Hey Rosetta floated gently around and surrounded Dan. The intense and moving lyrics seeped deep into his lungs as he breathed slowly.

  Dan remembered Brody talking about this band. One of his many favorites. They hailed from Newfoundland. He and Brody met the group when they were in Halifax recording their album. That night was an excellent one. They had a fascinating time.

  Brody’s soft and calming voice said, “Did you hear the songs in the air? Did you let the music into your heart and lungs? Remember the night we hung out with that band? Love their music, some of the compositions are hauntingly beautiful, and you liked their rock songs too.”

  There was a pause and a deep breath before Brody added, “Danny, I played my part, and God called me home. He had a plan for me. So, I set you free, brother. Grieve for me no longer. I am in a better place filled with love. I need you to breathe, just breathe.”

  Dan resorted to sniper breathing, trying to calm himself, feeling so lost. If there is indeed a God, why would he allow me to kill Brody? For what purpose? What kind of plan would be fulfilled by me killing my brother?

  Whispering, Dan spoke aloud, “No, I’m not free regardless of what you say, Brody. How can I be? I killed you!” Dan accepted he would forever carry the guilt for killing Brody. ‘Lost and Found’ by Kim Taylor began to play and Dan was again astounded by Brody’s ability to anticipate his state of mind and choose ballads which spoke to him.

  In a soft and comforting tone, Brody said, “When you find yourself adrift, gaze up into the sky. I’ll be peering down. I’m in the sun and the cool breeze which caresses your face. In the quiet moments of your life, when you think you’re all alone, listen for me. I will always be there.”

  Brody’s voice hitched a little. “You know I believe in angels, though I could never prove their existence. I honestly sensed my beloved mother near me, protecting and guiding me in my darkest hours. Perhaps God’s plan is for me to be a guardian angel for you. That would be so cool, but if not, I can still tell you I earnestly believe you’ll never be alone.

  “First, because there is no way you could’ve survived everything you did without a divine hand protecting you, so you must have an exceptional, albeit worn-out, angel safeguarding you. I imagine the angel is in dreadful shape from shielding you from all the shit thrown your way. Haggard with torn and dirty robes, wings drooping and tattered, and missing most of his feathers.

  “Take a listen to ‘Your Guardian Angel’ by The Red Jumpsuit. The lyrics communicate my mindset. And if I don’t get to become your angel, I’ll still never leave your heart or soul. You’re stuck with me for eternity.”

  Strains of the poignant song drifted to Dan’s ears. Brody never lets me fall. He is catching me now, trying to save me even though it was my hand which sent him to Heaven. Pain ripped Dan, shredding his heart again. He crossed his arms over the wheel and lay his forehead on them, breathing through the agony.
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br />   When Brody’s voice returned, Dan kept his head down. “Alright Danny, pay careful attention to the next song. I would like you to acknowledge the concept in spite of how hard the effort may be.”

  Dan did as Brody asked when ‘Let It Go’ by Daniel Cage played, and when it finished, Brody urged him with a tone of compassion, “Try to release the pain. You bury your sorrows deep in your special place, but I want you to purge any blame you hold so you can dream again. I hope you will go after your dreams with the same vigor you used to help me achieve mine.

  “I yearn for the day you will laugh with abandon, allowing joy to fill your soul entirely with no hint of sadness or remorse. I comprehend you’ll need time for that to happen but start with small laughs. Flash your WOW smile at a lovely lady, and you’ll find your beauty if you haven’t already. Open your heart, take a risk and grace will come to you.

  “My deepest desire at this moment is that I could embrace and comfort you. Though I can’t do that, I can share with you the most amazing grace my mother passed on to me. In the still of the night when you need me most, I’ll be there. Have faith I’m with you, and you’ll hear me.

  “Brother of my heart and soul, you are an amazing man. I was blessed to have you in my life. You bring light to so many through your selfless deeds. You deserve the best of everything. I wish you a long, happy life.”

  Do I? I don’t think so. I deserve death for killing you. Dan’s mind became trapped in a dark place as he struggled with Brody words. Listening was easy, accepting was hard. Growing nauseous from his memory of shooting and finding Brody, he reflexively held his breath for so long his vision faded.

  Dan sucked in breaths, attempting to dispel his lightheadedness as emotions threatened to engulf him. Leaning back on the headrest, he raked his hands through his hair. Putting all the vile, unbearable, and horrific experiences of his life back into his locked vault was exhausting and challenging.

  As he breathed, the soft piano sounds of the beginning of ‘Days to Recall’ by Justin Hines drew Dan’s attention. Dan closed his eyes focusing on the lyrics—Brody added this to his playlists to facilitate caging his disturbing and devastating thoughts. Brody had said concentrating on the words would help him get through the bleak nights to the beautiful days which followed.

  Adam’s eyes teared up—this song pierced his heart. Losing Sophia was not the same as Dan loss of Brody, but grief was universal—despair hurt and had the potential to overwhelm a life. He fixated on Dan, surprised when his cousin began singing along with the song. His voice was low and mournful, full of the hurt which Adam wanted to eliminate.

  Dan methodically started tucking raw, onerous thoughts into his box, as he sang, his hand clutching Brody’s tag. Putting away the items which were too painful to deal with—shoving his shame, culpability in Brody’s death, and his failure into that box. Letting go was never an option, but he could push his feelings out of sight with the other dreadful aspects of his arduous life that he never allowed to see the light of day.

  Fragments which were too personal and demeaning to ever share with anyone, not even Brody. Items he unsuccessfully tried to obliterate from his mind. Memories of terrible events he had witnessed, unpleasant actions he had to take, and sickening and debasing incidents he endured. Painful, black, and evil things. His guilt over killing Brody would reside in his shadowy place tightly locked away with the rest of what he couldn’t deal with or face.

  After the song ended, Brody blew out a long breath. “You’re working hard, and everything is almost back in the box. Isn’t it? Yeah, it is. Your coping skills are one of the remarkable gifts God bestowed on you, Danny. Your capacity to love is another. Brother, you’ve had too many dark nights. Please put those nights away, forget them, and make way for brilliant days full the beauty of life. That’s my desire for you. Live your life to the fullest.

  “Alright, partner, only one more sappy song. Oh, and Blaze, if you’re listening, just replace ‘love’ with ‘brother’ so you don’t get the wrong impression about Dan’s and my relationship again—‘cause you can’t blame a concussion this time.” Brody chuckled. “Seriously, Danny, I do love you brother so ‘love’ works too.”

  Unaffected by the baffled expressions exhibited by his cousins, as they were oblivious to the inside joke, a slight smile appeared on Dan’s face—Brody had a knack for making him smile even when he didn’t want too. The reference to when Blaze assumed he and Brody were a gay couple was funny and made him recall making Blaze snort his beer when he finally got his revenge—served ice-cold, only a month ago. He exhaled another held breath as ‘Stand by You’ by Rachel Platten began to play.

  The lyrics hit Dan hard. So many of the words spoke to him. Hidden scars, broken wings, tears in his eyes, his heart not knowing why it was still beating, and braving through emotions. It was what Brody put into practice and what his unit did for him for six hellacious years. Brody, Blaze, Mason, Patch, Winds, Ripsaw, and Baboon marched through purgatory with him. The guys even carried him when he couldn’t walk, physically and emotionally.

  Dan glanced at the Broderick men around him. They willingly trekked through hell with him too. Without their support, he would’ve given up and wouldn’t have made it back to TRF. Dan peered at Jeff recalling the stairs he forced him to climb. Jeff crawled with him as he cried like a baby when he could no longer rise. That event was the turning point in his rehab, allowing him to achieve his goal, returning to a job which gave meaning to his life.

  Shutting his eyes, images of Alpha Team filled Dan’s mind. Lexa, Bram, Loki, Jon, Nick, and Ray never gave up on him either. When he was at his lowest, when he thought he lost everything, they didn’t let him fall. The team surrounded him with love and stood by him. As much as mother-henning bugged him, all the rides they offered him in the past two weeks was an expression they genuinely cared for him.

  I’m not forsaken. I have many people in my life. I have them because of Brody. Brody reached behind my shields, accepted me for who I am, but he isn’t the only one. My unit, team, and family all accept me and love me without conditions.

  Inhaling a steadying breath, Dan opened his eyes as the song ended. He was not alone … he knew that. Brody’s playlist helped him regain control of his wild emotions. He closed the vault on his hurt, his pain, and his guilt. It could dwell there quietly until something else unlocked Pandora’s box.

  He would attempt to comply with Brody’s request to accept this gift and remember only their happy and fun times. Dan didn’t want to taint his present with his guilty conscience. He would honor Brody’s life by recalling the joy this truck brought into their lives.

  Brody’s voice came on again, bright and happy. “Better now. In control. Everything tucked neatly back into the locker. Man, you and lockers. I swear I was a friggin mess the first inspection in boot camp and you were military precision. I never thought someone like you would ever take the time needed to help me get my shit in order.”

  With a hint of laughter, Brody recalled, “Remember how Sergeant Thompson got flustered, he didn’t show much of his frustration, but I could tell it was there when he dressed me down, and I answered his question. When he asked me ‘Hunter didn’t your daddy teach you how to tie your laces and your momma to fold your clothes?’ And I responded ‘No because my father was a drunken asshole and my beloved mother is dead.’ I thought you were going to keel over when I backtalked Sarge.

  “I was surprised the sergeant went after your jugular vein. He sure found our weak spots fast. I could tell you were pissed that he called you out right then and there for being the general’s son. Ratting you out sure set the tone for how the others treated you. At the time, I thought that wasn’t cool.

  “But now years later, I think maybe he did you a favor because it helped us both recognize we hid behind shields. Neither of us was quite what we displayed to the world back then, but with each other, we found we could be ourselves without fear of being thought weak.”

  Brody’s words we
re deeply emotional and sincere, “Thank you for being my friend, my brother, making me laugh and smile, and for giving my life purpose. Danny, you are one in a million, and I was honored to be your friend, your confidant, the Saint to your Sinner, and most importantly your brother.”

  He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before Brody said, “Okay, enough heavy and sentimental stuff. It’s time to rock. In the glovebox, you’ll find more CDs filled with your favorite music. Put in the top one first, that one contains our favorite driving songs. Enjoy! Catch you in Heaven—with any luck in a very distant future. Until then, keep your sense of humor, use your WOW smile on the ladies, and remain cocky, Sinner.”

  Silence roared in Dan’s ears. What a gift Brody had given him. He ran his hands along the steering wheel and blew out a breath. He ejected the CD and stared at the disc for several minutes. This was something he cherished more than the truck—he had Brody’s voice now—a treasure Dan thought he lost forever.

  Dan leaned over and opened the dash storage space where a stack of CDs in plastic cases sat waiting for him. A note taped to the one on top read, Remember, this one first. He exchanged the discs putting the one containing Brody’s message to him in the compartment.

  He scanned all his cousins. They heeded Brody’s request to remain silent, for that he was grateful. His gaze fixed on Zach. “Want to take me for a drive?”

  Zach’s brows pulled together as he scrunched his face in confusion. “Why do you want me to drive?”

  Adam put his hand on his little brother’s shoulder. “He can’t. Remember the pain meds Dan took a while ago. He shouldn’t be operating a vehicle.”

  “Oh!” Zach said kicking himself for being a bit stupid.

  Dan turned to Kyle and grinned, ready to right a small wrong from years ago. “We should’ve taken you that day. I regret we didn’t. Wanna come now?”