Point of Retreat

by Colleen Hoover

  "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

  I roll my eyes. "Jesus, Julia! Now's not the time to be funny!" I reach over and grab another star, then lay back down again.

  "Let's try this again, Babe."

  "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

  ~Mahatma Gandhi

  I lean over and whisper in her ear. "You hear that, Lake? Indomitable will. That's one of the things I love about you."

  ***

  I must have fallen asleep again. The nurse shakes me awake. "Sir, can you step outside for a moment?"

  "Is everything okay?" I stand up just when Dr. Bradshaw walks into the room. “Is she okay?” I ask him.

  "We're removing the ventilator now. The anesthesia is wearing off so she's not getting anything other than the pain medicine she's getting through her I.V." He walks over to the bed and raises the rail back up. "Just step outside for a few minutes. I promise we'll let you back in," he smiles.

  He's smiling. This is good. They're taking her off the ventilator. This is good. He's looking me in the eyes. This is good. I step outside and impatiently wait.

  I pace the hallway for fifteen minutes before he emerges from the room. "Her vitals look fine. She's breathing on her own. Now we wait," he says. He pats me on the shoulder and turns to leave.

  I go back in the room and crawl back in the bed with her. I put my ear to her mouth and listen to her breathe. It's the most beautiful sound in the world. I kiss her. Of course I kiss her. I kiss her a million times.

  ***

  Sherry made me take a shower when she got back with our food. Gavin and Eddie showed up around six o'clock and stayed for an hour. Eddie cried the whole time so Gavin got worried and made her leave again. Sherry came back with Kel before visiting hours were over. He didn't cry, but I think he was upset seeing her like this, so they didn't stay long. I've been giving my grandmother hourly updates, although nothing has changed.

  Now it’s somewhere around midnight and I'm just sitting here. Waiting. Thinking. Waiting and thinking. I keep imagining I see her toe move. Or her finger. It's driving me crazy so I just stop watching. I start thinking about everything that happened Thursday night. Our cars. Where are our cars? I should probably be calling the insurance company. What about school? I missed school today. Or was it yesterday? I don’t even know if it’s Saturday yet. I probably won't be in school next week, either. I should figure out who Lake's professors are and let them know she won't be there. I should probably let my professors know, too. And the elementary. What do I tell them? I don't know when the boys will go back. If Lake is still in the hospital next week, I know Kel won't want to go to school. But he just missed an entire week of school. He can't miss very many more days. And what about Caulder? Where are Kel and Caulder going to stay while Lake and I are here? I'm not leaving this hospital without Lake. I may not even leave with Lake if I don't figure out what to do about a car. My car. Where is my car?

  "Will."

  I glance to the door. No one's there. Now I'm hearing things. Too many thoughts are jumbled up in my head right now. I wonder if Sherry left me any of her medicine? I bet she did. She probably snuck it in my bag.

  "Will."

  I jerk up in my seat and look at Lake. Her eyes are closed. She isn't moving. I know I heard my name. I know I did! I rush to her and touch her face. "Lake?"

  She flinches. She flinches! "Lake!"

  Her lips part and she says it again. "Will?"

  She squints her eyes. She's trying to open them. I flick the light switch off, then pull the string to the overhead light until it turns off. I know how much these fluorescent lights hurt.

  "Lake," I whisper. I pull the rail down and climb back into the bed with her. I kiss her lips. I kiss her forehead. "Don't try to talk if it hurts. You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay." She moves her hand so I take it in mine. "Can you feel my hand?"

  She nods her head. It's not much of a nod, but it's a nod.

  "You're okay," I say. I keep saying it over and over until I'm crying. "You're okay."

  The door to her room opens and a nurse walks in.

  “She said my name!”

  She looks up at me, then rushes back out of the room to get Dr. Bradshaw.

  "Get up, Will,” he says when he walks into the room. “Let us run some tests. We'll let you back in soon."

  "She said my name," I say as I slide off the bed. "She said my name!"

  He smiles at me. "Go outside."

  And so I do. For over half an hour. No one has left the room and no one has entered and it's been half a freakin' hour. I knock on the door and the nurse cracks it open. I try to peek past her but she doesn't open the door far enough. "Just a few more minutes," she says.

  I contemplate calling everyone but I don't. I just need to make sure I wasn't hearing things, but I know she heard me. She spoke to me. She moved.

  Dr. Bradshaw opens the door and steps outside. The nurses follow him out the door.

  "I heard her, right? She's okay? She said my name!"

  "Calm down, Will. You need to calm down. They won't let you stay in here if you keep freaking out like this."

  Calm down? He has no idea just how calm I'm being!

  "She's responding," he says. "Her physical responses were all good. She doesn't remember what happened. She may not remember a lot of stuff right away. She needs rest, Will. I'll let you back inside, but you'll need to let her rest."

  "Okay, I will. I promise. I swear."

  "I know. Now go," he says.

  When I open the door, she's facing me. She smiles a really pathetic, painful-looking smile.

  "Hey," I whisper. I walk to her bed and stroke her cheek.

  "Hey," she whispers back.

  "Hey."

  “Hey,” she says again.

  “Hey.”

  "Stop it," she says. She tries to laugh but it hurts her. She closes her eyes.

  I pull down the rail and crawl back into the bed with her. I take her hand in mine and I bury my face in the crevice between her shoulder and her neck…and I cry.

  ***

  For the next few hours she goes in and out of consciousness, just like Dr. Bradshaw said she would. Every time she wakes up she says my name. Every time she says my name I tell her to close her eyes and get some rest. Every time I tell her to close her eyes and get some rest, she does.

  Dr. Bradshaw comes in a few times to check on her. They lower the dose in the I.V. one more time so she can stay awake for longer periods. I decide not to call anyone yet. It’s still too early and I don’t want everyone bombarding her right now. I just want her to rest.

  It’s almost seven in the morning and I’m walking out of the bathroom when she finally says something besides my name.

  “What happened?” she says.

  I pull a chair up beside her bed. She’s rolled over onto her left side so I rest my chin on the bedrail and stroke her arm as I face her. “We had a wreck.”

  She looks confused, then a look of terror washes over her. “The kids…”

  “Everyone’s fine,” I reassure her. “Everyone’s okay.”

  She breathes a sigh of relief. “When? What day was it? What day is it?”

  “It’s Saturday. It happened Thursday night. What’s the last thing you remember?”

  She closes her eyes. I reach up and pull the string to the light above her bed and it flicks off. I don’t know why they keep turning it on. What hospital patient wants a fluorescent light three feet from their head?

  “I remember going to the slam, she says. “I remember your poem…but that’s all.. That’s all I can remember.” She opens her eyes again and looks at me. “Did I forgive you?”

  I laugh. “Yes, you forgave me. And you love me. A bunch.”

  She smiles. “Good.”

  “You were hurt, Babe. They had to take you into surgery.”

  “I know. The doctor told me that
much.”

  I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand. “I’ll tell you everything that happened later, okay? Right now you need to rest. I’m going outside to call everyone. Kel’s worried sick. Eddie, too. I’ll be back, okay?”

  She nods and closes her eyes again. I lean forward and kiss her on the forehead. “I love you, Lake.” I grab my phone off the table and stand up.

  “Again,” she whispers.

  “I love you.”

  ***

  Visiting hours are strictly enforced once everyone starts to arrive. They make me wait in the waiting room just like everyone else. Only one person is allowed in at a time. Eddie and Gavin got here first, so Eddie’s with her right now. Kel shows up with Sherry about the same time my grandparent’s show up with Caulder.

  “Can I go see her?” Kel asks.

  “Absolutely. She keeps asking for you. Eddie’s with her right now. It’s ICU so she can only have visitors for fifteen minutes but you're next.”

  “So she’s talking? She’s okay? She remembers me?”

  “Yeah. She’s perfect,” I say.

  Grandpaul walks over to Kel and puts his hand on his shoulder. "Come on Grandkel, we'll get you some breakfast before you go see her."

  My grandparent’s take Kel and Caulder to the cafeteria. I tell them to bring me something back…I finally have an appetite now.

  “Do you need me and Eddie to stay at your house with the boys for a few days?” Gavin asks.