Better as Lovers
Page 8
My daughter. Gran’s friends smiled wider when they saw us. Gave us drinks and advice and looked to me.
They looked at me. “Give me your baby.”
“Let me see your baby girl.”
“May refuses to bring her granddaughter to meet us. Took you long enough.”
“Oh, look at your beautiful baby!”
“Look at all those cheeks.”
“Look at them arms. Just wanna eat her up.”
“She’s gonna have hair like you and May. Y’all always got to show off with all that pretty hair.”
And the best one. “She looks like her daddy. Bet she acts like you.”
Yes. She did. Or she didn’t. Either way-
Vegetables and more succulents. It was me that protested. His apartment overflowed with them. Mine did too.
“Give them away.” He shrugged. “And there are no plants at Beyond. All that space on the Lonely Third.”
I hadn’t-Why hadn’t I considered that?
“Okay. That’s enough,” he said thirty minutes later after he pried his credit card out of my hand. “Let’s go, Poison Ivy.”
“Oh my God. That’s who I should be for Halloween!”
“I don’t think I would make a very good Harley Quinn.”
I laughed so loud everyone around us went silent. And I didn’t stop. Until I was good and goddamned ready. Until Olivia stopped kicking and laughing along with me.
Cahir
She was absolutely the same and totally different. The most familiar part of my life and a strange new thing. It was in the way her hips swayed when we danced. Full circles, full of time, and perfectly in synch with the beat of the music and her heart. It was in her laugh. The way she spoke. Lower, quieter, fuller. With comfort and a promise that she wasn’t going anywhere. Silky in a way that didn’t disturb thoughts or a baby’s sleep.
She was…anticipatory. There to answer before I’d fully formed the question. There to laugh before the joke. To moan before I took off her clothes. Softer. She leaned on me more. An easy reminder of how strong she was.
Getting to know her again forced me to relearn myself. And made it obvious I needed to go shopping.
Cassidy
There was only one thing we hadn’t talked about. Crazy. We’d talked about so many other things. Poked, and probed, and prodded at the new places we found since the elevator, since Olivia came to us.
The house. Two bedrooms.
I didn’t talk about it but I thought about it. Every second. Every time I woke up next to him and stayed quiet. To hear him breathe. To feel the way he pressed against me no matter how hot our bodies got or how quickly his arm or my leg fell asleep.
I knew it was there. An app on his phone where he collected real estate listings. Emails from Guy and my father about places that might work. Neighborhoods. Schools and their ratings. Articles that debated schools and homeschooling. I loved him for it. That he planned for us and had the patience to wait for me to speak.
I didn’t know why I stayed silent. Anxiety? Fear? My therapist told me to follow it. To explore it.
It was fear that I found. Fear that I once again misread the signs. That I once again overestimated our progress, our bond, and would soon be standing in his office again. Asking why he was gone. Running.
I was stronger. I found my strength beside the fear. Smiled at how they were entwined together. Co-dependent in their own way. And Olivia demanded that I be better.
I held her while I made coffee for Cahir and I. I hummed to her. On key. Dances to match.
I almost tripped when I heard his laugh. Silly. “Good morning.”
He kissed me. Then Olivia. “Is this for me?”
“Since you didn’t brush your teeth.”
He laughed again. Morning breath drowned by coffee and him underneath it all.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I said.
The conversation would have been easier if he weren’t shirtless. If he didn’t lean against the counter with that coffee cup and look like every bad decision I was glad I made.
“Cash.”
I heard the smile before I saw it. I looked away. Deep breath. Do it, Cassidy.
“I’ve been thinking about the house.” I felt the laughter flee. I wanted to do the same, but I’d started. I had to finish. “Can we house shop? I have a list of things I want.”
“You’ll have it.”
“All of it?”
“Whatever you want.”
“If what I want is a big bedroom?”
“Yeah. You can have the biggest one.”
“And if I want to share that big bedroom with you?”
An audible sigh. A heavy sigh. A release of something and preparation for another thing. “Look at me, Cash.”
I did. And wished I hadn’t. “We don’t-”
“Good. Because we won’t. We’re not going house shopping. Not like this.”
Olivia fussed against my chest. I loosened my arms. Gave her room to move. To breathe.
Cahir walked away from me. Into the closet. And I stood frozen in place. A fool again. A fool for him. That was fine. I wouldn’t wet my daughter’s hair with my tears. I would move back into my apartment. We would figure out a custody schedule. And we would figure out what the hell was wrong with him and fix it. Eventually, we would be the family we were meant to be. The idiot wouldn’t escape me for-
“If we’re going to shop for a house,” he dropped to one knee and held up an open ring box, “you’re going to have to wear this.”
“You-” It was beautiful. He was beautiful. And I was a liar- I was getting my daughter’s hair wet with my tears.
“I am going to love you every day for the rest of my life and I want you and the world to see it, know it, recognize it.” He smiled. “All of that. Say you’ll do it. Say you’ll marry me.”
“Yes.” I said over and around my tears. “Of course I will.”
Olivia’s little hands bounced off my chest and cheeks, her sweet, baby laughs in my ear, as Cahir slid the ring on my finger.
Also by Jimi Gaillard-Jefferson
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