Deception and Chaos

by S. M. Soto

  She has to wash me like I’m a child.

  I’m going to be subjected to a stranger’s hands on body, again.

  Sniffing past the pressure in my nose I nod my head ever so slightly—the only indication I give her that I acquiesce. With a grandmotherly pat on my hand she gives me a sympathetic look. I steel myself as Mera helps me undress. With each drop of my clothing, each shred of my only form of protection—a piece of me shatters further. When she carefully washes my hair and my body, I shrink into myself, hardly aware of my injuries. I’ve never felt so low or worthless. My mortification hangs heavy in the steamy air surrounding us. A crippling wave of self-loathing consumes me.

  I hate this.

  I hate that this is what they’ve made me become. They’ve succeeded in their mission to break me. That I’m sure of.

  After Mera helps me get cleaned up, she offers to dress me, but I decline, determined to do this one thing on my own, without feeling incapacitated. I limp past the sink, pausing to examine myself in the mirror. My stomach churns as my eyes take in the girl looking back at me. I don’t even recognize my own reflection. My face looks gaunt, much skinnier than usual, and my green eyes look dull with dark, heavy bags underneath them. My normally olive skin tone looks unusually pale against my dark flat hair. I look like the walking dead—a freaking zombie.

  The clothes here are slightly too big for my tiny frame. My body looks severely malnourished with protruding bones, and gangly limbs. I stare at my fragile arm encased in a sling. Mera mentioned I had to wear this until my collarbone, and the fracture in my arm fused back together. Apparently, my collarbone had been broken at some point, which explains my shoulder pain.

  Mera left me a lilac colored V-neck and a pair of yoga pants that thankfully didn’t fall off my hips. The tag on the shirt was an extra small, but staring at my reflection in the mirror, it looks like I’m wearing an extra-large. I’m jerked out of my thoughts at the sound of knocking on the bedroom door.

  “Soph?” Garrett calls. “Are you decent? I’m coming in. I want to show you a couple of things and talk.”

  I blow out a sigh.

  Can’t I have longer than one minute to myself in this place?

  Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I turn and head into the bedroom finding Garrett sitting on the lounger while Mera stands beside him. I take my time walking toward them, not just because of my fragile state but because I’m dreading any kind of conversation. I just want to be left alone.

  As I approach, Mera pats Garrett’s shoulder reassuringly and gives me a comforting smile.

  “Let me know if you need anything, dear. I’m only a call away.” She winks and quietly leaves the room to me and my big brother.

  “Here, take a seat Soph, I just want to talk to you a bit. You don’t have to say anything, I just need you to listen to me, all right?” He gestures to the empty spot beside him and a pang of sadness engulfs me as I take in his haggard appearance. Dark bags, and fine lines etch his normally stoic face. When I’m comfortably seated I watch my big brother fidget slightly, he looks uncomfortable, and I’m not sure what to make of this version of Garrett in front of me.

  “Look Soph, I—” He stops for a second and stares at the ceiling, taking a deep fortifying breath. “Fuck it. I’m just gonna say everything,” he says to himself.

  “After I graduated, you know I joined the army. What you don’t know is that after my service, I joined a special task force. It took years of training and testing, but I was finally admitted and recruited.”

  I stare back at my brother unable to grasp what he’s saying. A special task force? Why would he keep this from me?

  “I didn’t have an office job like I led you to believe. After the task force…I moved onto a different sector of a government run operation. I live a very secluded life, Sophie. We can’t tell anyone our occupations but wives and immediate family, and even then, we have to be very careful about how much detail is shared.”

  I’m immediate family, asshole.

  “I didn’t tell you because in my mind…in my mind, I guess I thought I was protecting you. I flew home as often as I could, and I know now that it wasn’t enough. I had people keep an eye on you from a distance when I was away on missions.”

  Why did you stop visiting me?

  My bottom lip trembles, and I bite it to hold back the sob and tears that threaten.

  For nearly all my life Garrett and I have shared everything with each other. The fact that he kept something as monumental as this from me hurts more than you can imagine. Garrett looks at me guiltily. I open my mouth to speak and an inaudible squeak slips past my lips.

  Where do I even start on the things I want to say?

  Garrett opens his mouth to say something, but I hold my hand up silencing him. I swallow multiple times and force my vocal cords to work. My voice is raspy and unrecognizable, the tremble in my words doesn’t go undetected.

  “How could you keep this from me? What if something happened to y-you and I found out when I got a knock on my front door from someone stating my brother’s d-dead, but he risked his life every day, and obviously didn’t think you were important enough to know. Did you ever think of that Garrett?” I question, trying not to get angry. His face flickers with pain. He scrubs a rough hand down his face and looks at me pleadingly.

  “I know Soph. I just…I just wanted to do something great in the world. I wanted to follow in dad’s footsteps, make him proud. But I should’ve thought of you before making that decision. I know that now.” He shifts on the seat and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I had just gotten home from a mission when I got the call that you were missing.” His eyes hold the pain and torment of someone who has just had a child abducted from them. Garrett’s eyes shine with tears and my heart sinks.

  I’m not ready to hear this.

  Garrett’s demeanor changes as he recounts what happened.

  “Alexis called me crying, saying she hadn’t seen or heard from you in a whole forty-eight hours. She said you never showed at school or work. There was no sign of foul play at your apartment. Your car was still parked in the parking garage. It was like you just vanished.”

  Tears sting my eyes as I think about my best friend, Alexis. God, I can’t even imagine how hurt she must be. We were best friends, the equivalent to soul mates. We never went one day without talking to each other. My brother scrubs a rough hand over his face again.

  “We filed a police report that you had gone missing, I flew home and searched every nook and cranny of your apartment. I hounded your classmates, coworkers and boss. And still nothing. No one knew a goddamn thing about what could’ve happened to my baby sister,” he says, voice thick with emotion.

  “I never stopped looking Soph, ever. I knew. I just knew you were still out there somewhere, and you needed me. I could feel it. Don’t ask me how but I knew.” A teardrop glistens as it escapes from the corner of his eye. Tears well in my own eyes, obscuring my vision, splitting my brother in two. “I was called back on another mission five months later. It was already four months of dead ends on where you could’ve been. I brought your case to my team, the FBI, government officials. You name it, I tried it. And nothing Sophie. Not a fucking thing.”

  I bite down on my bottom lip unforgivingly as the tears stream down my face.

  Nine months? Is that how long it’s been?

  “My team was given a mission infiltrating a trafficking ring. One of the biggest in the world. Our guys had been doing years of research and recon. Infiltrating and forcing our way through the ranks, until we finally got word that one of our men had been invited to one of the ring’s major auctions.” Garrett is silent for a few seconds before going on. “When our team landed in Dubai, something felt off. I had this weird pull. It’s strange now that I think about it but at the time, I just tried to ignore it,” he says reverently, like he’s reliving it all over “But it kept nagging at me, something didn’t feel right, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I
just wanted to get on with this mission, so we could kill those sick fucks and I could go home and find my little sister.” Garrett places both hands on his knees and squeezes tightly, a sharp sob tears through his chest and slips past his lips.

  Tears stream down my face as I watch my brother break down for the second time in my entire life. The first time was after losing our parents, but I was so grief stricken I hardly paid any attention, but seeing him like this, it tears me apart. His hands clench into fists and his jaw tightens. I reach out and grip his hand tightly willing him to go on.

  “When we took out the security and raided the mansion…I was sick to my stomach, Soph. What I saw going on there, I- I…” He stops, inhaling a fortifying breath. His eyes look tormented. Almost as tormented as my soul feels. It’s the same way my eyes looked when I saw everything happening before me that day. His nostrils flare and he looks angry now.

  “I wanted to kill them all. For hurting those poor girls and boys. I’ve seen some sick shit in the line of duty but that? I almost lost it. We successfully saved most of the boys and girls that were there for the bidding.” Garrett looks down and stares at our hands for a beat. “When Creed said he had a nearly dead American girl, I never, in all my life would’ve thought it was going to be you, Soph.” He looks up at me with bloodshot eyes and I clasp my hand over my mouth to hold in my sob.

  “How could I have known? How the fuck was I supposed to know that those men assaulted and beat my sister half to death. That they took away your innocence long before anyone should ever have to experience something like that. When I saw Creed carrying this frail, lifeless girl into the SUV, I was angry, and scared for that small girl. My thoughts automatically flew to you, and I wondered what you were doing, if you were still alive, and if you were okay. God, I didn’t even have a clue,” he says in a tortured voice.

  “When you said my name, I figured I was imagining things. I thought I wanted to find my little sister so badly that I’d replace her with anyone.” He holds my teary gaze. “And when you said big brother Garrett, I died a million deaths in that moment, Sophia. I stared down into the beaten face of my barely breathing sister. And I saw you, beneath all the bruising and the swelling, I saw my baby sister,” he sobs out brokenly. “Do you know what that did to me? It killed me, Soph. It fucking killed me because I should’ve protected you. I should’ve been there for you. You needed me to be around more, and, where was I? On assignments trying to protect someone else instead of my own damn family.” He raises his voice angrily with a continual stream of tears. The anguish and guilt warring on Garrett’s face splits me right in half, shattering my heart into a million jagged pieces.

  How can he possibly blame himself for the actions of those monsters?

  “Those first few days we brought you back here, they tried to send you to a regular hospital and have you sent into a program per normal protocol.” He laughs humorlessly. “I wasn’t gonna let that shit happen. I told them they could fuck off because I wasn’t ever letting you out of my sight again.”

  I shakily wipe at the dampness on my face, ignoring the gnawing pain in my stomach.

  “I spent every waking minute at your bedside. Seeing you so small, so close to death, I nearly lost it. I asked myself why, every day you laid in that bed recovering. You came in with a cracked skull, a concussion, three broken ribs, a broken collarbone and severe bruising and lacerations. On top of that you were starving to death, severely malnourished to the point your body didn’t even want to accept fluids anymore.”

  A sob tears through my chest as I remember the horrors of what went on in that tiny room. I don’t understand how anyone could be so sick and cruel to a living and breathing human being. Garrett cries quietly and he squeezes my hand tighter for strength.

  “You were in a coma for two weeks, slipping in and out of consciousness for a good week. When you finally regained consciousness, I was so relieved. But when I looked into your eyes I couldn’t find my Sophie. All I saw was your blank stare and all I got was silence.”

  I clench my eyes shut, berating myself for being so weak.

  “In your sleep, you would whimper and even cry out for me and it killed me because there was nothing I could do to take that pain away. Erase those memories.” He wipes at his tears angrily. “Then I thought to myself, how many times did she hope I would find her? How many times did she cry out for me? Her big brother, and protector.”

  I hold my brother’s stare, seeing the pain and anguish written on his face as clear as day.

  “I’m so sorry, Soph. I’m sorry that I let you down, I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man mom and dad needed me to be for you, and I’m sorry that you of all people had to go through any of it.”

  On a ragged sob, I toss myself into Garrett’s arms, and cry as he holds me almost like his life depends on it. I cry for the nine months of my life that were taken from me, I cry for the shit life I was given, and I cry for the pain my brother has had to endure on my behalf. Garrett gently caresses my hair whispering his apologies and promises of safety. My sobs and tears subside, and I slowly pull out of Garrett’s arms. I swallow past the lump in my throat and force myself to speak past the emotion.

  “I love you, big brother Garrett,” I say hoarsely. “I don’t blame you. For any of it. You know, every time I thought I wasn’t going to be able to hold on, I heard your voice?” Garrett sets his jaw in a hard line, trying to keep his emotions at bay. “You kept telling me to be strong, not to let go.” I sniff and grip his hands tightly. “You saved me Garrett, in every way. I hoped I would die every single day, but it was you who would tell me to hold on just a little bit longer. And I knew. I knew I had to be strong for you because you were somewhere out there looking for me and hurting. I felt you right here.” I point to the left side of my chest in a sob. “I stayed alive for you, Gar. I stayed alive because no one should have to go through losing their parents and a little sister.”

  Garrett’s eyes fill with another round of tears. He pulls me into his arms placing a chaste kiss on my forehead. I don’t know how long we hold each other crying but when we finally pull apart, my well put together Garrett is back, and I couldn’t be more relieved. Seeing my brother so broken down was something I never wanted to see again. All that pain for one person to hold onto is unimaginable.

  After our therapeutic cry, completely drained I climbed into bed, just planning on resting my eyes. Before I knew it, I was out cold, immersed in the land of my tormenting dreams. Even in my sleep I could still feel the warmth of Garrett’s hand in my own. He was my anchor. He always would be.

  I GROGGILY PEEL MY EYES open just as a broad, dark silhouette slips out of my room. I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but any trace of sleepiness is gone, replaced by a surge of adrenaline. With my heart thudding against my ribs, I scan the bedroom for any threats but don’t see anything abnormal. Shaking my head back and forth, I push back the worrisome thoughts of someone lingering in my room without my knowledge. I force my rapidly beating heart to slow, and proceed to slowly, climb out of bed.

  After using the restroom, I don’t make it five feet out of the bathroom before Garrett shows up.

  “Good, you’re up,” he says as he waltzes through the door. “Hungry? It’s time for dinner.”

  Without waiting for my response, he takes my hand in his and carefully leads me out of the room into a long dimly lit corridor. It reminds me of something you’d see in an old mansion, antique light fixtures on the walls and dark mahogany floors with burgundy wallpaper.

  “What is this place?”

  Garrett shifts his gaze to mine, then blows out a deep breath.

  “It’s complicated to explain, but just know we’re safe here. This is a cover house. It’s where we stay in between assignments or while we’re doing recon.”

  I nod my head dumbly, not sure how to process the information.

  Cover house? Recon?

  When did words like these get added to my vocabulary?

  Ga
rrett grips my arm as he helps me down the spiral staircase. There’s loud vivacious laughter coming from the bottom floor, and I shoot a wary glance at Garrett.

  “It’s just the guys. I promise you’re safe here, Soph.” He reassures me like I’m a wounded animal. At the base of the stairs I follow him into a den that leads into an archway of the kitchen. Garrett walks in first, and I freeze upon the threshold.

  The kitchen is filled with large, angry looking men. Bile rises up my throat, and I suddenly feel the walls around me changing, crumpling. The bright kitchen lights turn into a dilapidated ceiling with a single bulb hanging from the metal attachment. Each guy’s face in the kitchen morphs into the men back from that room.

  The sinister smiles. The whips. Everything comes flooding back to me.

  I can feel myself shaking my head no, as my body trembles in fear. The ringing of voices in my ears gets louder, turning into blaring white noise. My vision distorts my reality. Spinning on my heels I take off around the corner colliding with a hard surface. Arms catch me, but I’m still there. Stuck in the past. The room spins, and I hyperventilate, trying to get myself to safety. My hands claw at my throat as I fight for breath. It feels like there’s a hand gripped around my neck, blocking my airway; squeezing the life out of me.

  “Sophia, breathe, you’re safe now.”

  The phrase is repeated over, and over, slowly breaking through the fog clouding my rational thoughts.

  The small rotting room disappears, and my vision slowly comes into focus. Garrett kneels before me, searching my eyes frantically for my sanity to return. I inhale a deep shaky breath and pause upon noticing the warmth emanating behind me. Furrowing my brows, I flick my gaze over my shoulder and freeze. My breath wheezes out like a blow to the gut, and my face goes slack. Gray eyes that are so pale in their depths stare down at me. Waiting.

  For what? I have no idea.

  I stare into the face of the man who rescued me, again. This close, I can’t help but notice how bright his eyes are in contrast with his dark stubble and his dark head of hair. His eyelashes are impossibly long, and I briefly wonder how long he can go without blinking. I don’t think he’s done it not once. His body is warm against my skin, and the hairs on my arm lift in response to his touch. It wasn’t cold in this place, but I had to fight to hold back the shiver.