Home Again

by Fisher, Lisa

  “Do you still weigh yourself daily?” During our second ‘phone appointment’ I let it slip that I was back to weighing myself daily. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, right? The damn doctor sure as hell wouldn’t let it go, though.

  “Yes,” I mumbled.

  “And?”

  “And, what? It’s not as if it’s really affecting anything. I just like to know.”

  “Well how much do you weigh today?”

  “117.”

  “You’ve gained some weight. Does that make you want to start dieting again?”

  “Not much,” I fibbed. Of course it did. But I wasn’t going to go there, again. It might have been only two pounds, but in Hollywood, two pounds was more like ten.

  I’m not fat, I’m healthy.

  I hated that I still needed to say that to myself.

  “It doesn’t?” Her voice perked up. “Well, that’s new. I think you’re making great progress, Aisley. You’ve come a long way.”

  “What if I haven’t though?” I blurted.

  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “I know I can’t not eat. I mean, I did before, too, but—I don’t know, I just don’t want to lose what I have left.”

  I’ve already lost too much just to get where I am.

  “And what is it that you don’t want to lose?”

  “Performing. This whole thing is like a double-edged sword—I eat too much and people criticize me for my weight. I eat too little and I’m back into treatment.”

  “Tell me, why does it matter what people think?”

  “Is that a serious question?”

  “Quite serious.”

  “I guess, I don’t want to become irrelevant. Weight matters more than you think, especially when you have an image that you’re supposed to uphold.”

  “Shouldn’t you just strive to be the best performer you can be, without thinking about any of that other stuff? Wouldn’t you like to be someone that your fans can look up to?”

  “Yes, but that still doesn’t change how fucked up I feel inside. I honestly don’t know why I’m like this. I’m not overweight. And, I know I have a problem.” I let out a ragged laugh. “But I don’t know how to fix me.”

  “It takes time. Trust me when I say that you’ve come far from where you were when we first met. Tell me, how much did you weigh at your lowest?”

  “When they admitted me into treatment I was at ninety-eight,” I admitted, cringing.

  “Just think about that. You’re beautiful, and more importantly, healthy, right now. I think if you go back and look at some of the photographs, you’ll see that ninety-eight isn’t as pretty as you thought it was.”

  “How very insensitive of you, Doc,” I joked. I didn’t want to tell her how right she was. I had already looked, and couldn’t believe how bad it actually was.

  “I’ll call you next week, okay? If you need to get ahold of me before then, you can always call.”

  “Thanks, Doc.”

  “Take care.”

  “Bye,” I mumbled into the phone, before hanging up, then putting my headphones back on.

  Tonight, the music will heal me, and eventually everything will be right again.

  ***

  “Do you know what I love about this?” East looked over at me with a crooked grin.

  “What?” I set my guitar down in the stand next to me and waited, expectantly.

  “It’s real. It’s honest. It’s beautiful, Aisley.”

  “Do you really think so?” I blushed.

  “I wouldn’t lie to you, babe.”

  “So do you think it’s the song I should sing at the open mic?”

  “Without a doubt. So your parents are really on board?”

  I bit my lip. “Not exactly.” By that, I meant ‘hell no.’ They were definitely not on board with their sixteen year old daughter playing music in a Seattle bar, on a Saturday night. Sure, The Watering Hole was fair game, but a bar in a real town? They practically laughed in my face.

  “Carter.” East groaned.

  “Relax. We won’t get busted. Pinky promise.” I wiggled my pinky finger at him. “We’re spending the night at Becks’, so how will they even know?”

  “Okay. But is her mom on board, at least?”

  I shrugged. “Don’t be a wuss. What happened to my big strong boyfriend?” I teased.

  “Hey, I just don’t want you to be grounded for life when they find out. I’ll be fine. My parents are on board,” East said coolly.

  “They so are not!” I called his bluff.

  He winked. “Maybe, maybe not. Just don’t get us caught.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his chest, kissing my temple.

  “You’re going to be right there in the front, right?”

  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, babe.”

  “Oh. My. Gosh!” The high-pitched scream knocked me out of my daydreams. “Can I get an autograph? Oh my god. Oh my god.”

  I smiled at the young girl, who looked like she was about to hyperventilate, and looked at John, who quickly jumped in between us. “It’s okay, John,” I whispered.

  She thrust a CD at me and I signed the cover. “Here you go.”

  “I cannot believe this! Thank you so much. My sister is going to die of jealously!” she squealed.

  I giggled as she ran off. The girl couldn’t have been more than fourteen.

  “We should go in.”

  “Relax. No one’s here yet.”

  “She is someone.” John pointed behind him, in the direction the girl had ran off.

  I shrugged. “A true fan.”

  He rolled his eyes.

  “I just need some air.” The show wasn’t for another six hours, but I was going to have to do another run through, and some interviews before the show. Not to mention the meet and greet.

  Today I was in Los Angeles. This was the last tour stop, for a couple months. After this show, I would get to go back in the studio and lay down some new tracks for my new album. That meant, starting today, L.A. would be my new home for the next two months. As much as I loved traveling around the world and singing, being in one place for a bit would be a welcome change. Because once the album was done, I would be going overseas for three months.

  Then, back to the U.S. to do it all over again.

  As exhausting as it all sounded in my head, it was equally exhilarating. And I still couldn’t believe this was my life. Even after two years, some days it felt like a dream.

  And it all started in that tiny little dive bar, with Easton and Becks cheering me on.

  John nervously checked around for the millionth time.

  “Fine.” I sighed. “Let’s go back in.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re such a pain, John.”

  “Right back at ya, kid.”

  I dialed Becks number on the way back inside.

  “Holy shit, Ais! You haven’t lost my number yet?”

  “Don’t be a bitch, Becks, or I will lose it,” I joked.

  “Ha ha. Where are you at today? Ooh, wait let me guess—Las Vegas.”

  “Ooh, sorry. Los Angeles,” I said. “Solid guess, though.”

  “Can’t win every time.” She laughed.

  “So, I was wondering—how would you like to come up here and stay with me for, like, a week?”

  She squealed. “Seriously?”

  “I’ve got a plane ticket with your name on it. It’ll be fun. I’m in L.A. for a while recording. We can go all touristy and go to a Conan taping or see Universal Studios or something.”

  “You know how I love my Coco!”

  “Is that a yes?”

  “Yes. Why the hell not? Yay! I miss you, best friend.”

  “I miss you, too, Becks.” More than she knew.

  I hung up with her and dialed one more number, knowing my call would go unanswered.

  I was right. Straight to voicemail.

  “Hey, East. I know we’re not really on speaking ter
ms right now, but… I just wanted to call and tell you… I miss you. It sucks how we left things. I hope we can be friends again sometime.”

  I hung up and smacked my palm against my forehead. That was really lame.

  I almost called back to tell him to disregard the lameness of my first message, but that would have been even lamer. So instead, I just went back to work, trying to keep myself distracted.

  That worked okay for the first few hours, but while the make-up artist was doing her magic, my mind wandered to that East place again. Did he get my message? Would he call me back?

  “Quit flinching, honey,” Amanda, the make-up artist, scolded.

  “Sorry.”

  “You’re very tense, today.”

  You’re telling me.

  I couldn’t be happier once it was time to get on stage. Nothing else mattered, but the music. I played a two-hour set and then went back out for an encore.

  “Thank you so much. This last song is brand new, not even recorded yet. Wanna hear it?”

  The crowd went nuts.

  I laughed. “It’s called The Unknown.”

  “I’m not really good at these kinds of things

  I don’t want to talk about all the possibilities

  I’m not the kind of person who’s easy to have

  And hold onto but I don’t want to let go

  I just want to live in the moment now

  Don’t stop and don’t look down

  Capture this moment and hold on

  We are jumping into the unknown.”

  All of a sudden as my eyes scanned the front row, I found Easton staring back at me. It took me a good two minutes to decide if it was really him, or if I were somehow hallucinating. He held up a handmade sign that read: Forgive me? If I weren’t in the middle of a song, I would have laughed out loud.

  “Stuck in this free fall, and god, do I love it

  Wind in my hair and you right there with

  Oh feeling, feeling completely hopeless

  It’s something and I can’t control this

  I just want to live in the moment now

  Don’t stop and don’t look down

  Capture this moment and hold on

  We are jumping into the unknown

  And I can’t think with these butterflies inside

  I’m losing control and I wanna take flight

  Come a little closer, baby hold me tight

  Oh, we’re jumping into the unknown tonight

  I just want to live in the moment now

  Don’t stop and don’t look down

  Capture this moment and hold on

  We are jumping into the unknown.”

  “Thank you so much Los Angeles! You’re amazing!” I gave on last wave to the crowd and hurried off stage. How the hell was I going to find Easton? I couldn’t very well just walk out into a stadium full of fans and call out his name. After being stopped a million times, I finally made it to my dressing room.

  I opened the door, and to my relief, I was met with that same sign, and one set of puppy dog eyes.

  “Great job out there tonight, Carter.”

  “East! What the hell are you doing here?” I smiled, and hurried over to hug him, but stopped halfway, because I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea.

  “I was just in the neighborhood,” he said nonchalantly.

  “Right.” I gave him a look of disbelief.

  He stood up. “I came to apologize. I was being selfish when I asked you to stay with me, I’m sorry.”

  I looked at him expectantly. He could do better than that.

  “I’m stupid. Really stupid for letting you go.” He took a couple steps toward me. “I don’t care about anything else, Carter. I just want you. If that means traveling around the world with you, just tell me to pack and I’ll pack. If it means we have to do long distance, fine. I’ll do whatever it takes. And if I’m too late, Ais? Just tell me you’ll at least be my friend again… because I need you in my life more than I need the air I’m breathing right now.”

  Easton’s butterflies were cartwheeling around my stomach. I must have died and gone to heaven. Or been knocked unconscious, because this had to have been a dream.

  He walked closer and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Please, say something.”

  “I need to tell you something. Sit down, East.”

  “Uh, I’d rather stand. Something tells me this isn’t going to be good.”

  “When I came back home, I wasn’t coming home from tour. I was coming from a treatment center. One for eating disorders. I weighed ninety-eight pounds when I was admitted, and gained almost twenty pounds while I was there. After two months, the label agreed that I could seek outpatient treatment as long as it was at home, out of the spotlight.” I paused. “I’m telling you this because I want you to know that not trusting you had never crossed my mind once when I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be ashamed of me.” I put my head down.

  East tilted up my chin. “Carter, I will never be ashamed of you.”

  “Well, now you know how seriously fucked up I am.” I laughed nervously.

  “I thought you looked a little thin,” East admitted. “I didn’t want to believe the stuff they were printing about you.”

  “Some of it was true.”

  “But, why? How did it happen? You’ve always been such a strong person, Aisley.” East took my hand in his, his face glossed over in sadness. “You’re so strong.”

  I pulled away a little. How could I explain something I didn’t fully understand?

  “God, it’s hard on the road. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, but it’s lonely. I would read interviews and fan sites, when I had down time, because, I guess, it’s always nice to know you have fans. People who don’t even know you are thinking about you, and it made me feel connected to them in some small way.” I paused, trying to recall the exact moment when I no longer felt good about myself. It was a hard thing to pinpoint. “Some blogger wrote some really nasty things about me once. They were just awful, and I’m not sure why I kept reading—but I did—and there were pictures posted, saying I looked pregnant.”

  “You’re beautiful. Don’t ever think you’re not.” East brushed my cheek with his hand. How could I think anything with East touching me like that?

  “After I saw what some people were saying, I did the one thing I shouldn’t have done. I Googled it. I actually fucking Googled the phrase ‘Aisley Carter pregnant’, and there were just so many hate sites. It’s as if these people actually took pride in trashing celebrities. In trashing me. But you wanna know what’s worse than any of their words?” I let out a ragged laugh. “I actually believed them. I started exercising more, and I stopped eating as much. I told myself when I lost a few pounds, I’d stop.”

  “Oh, Ais.”

  “But it was so hard, East. A few pounds weren’t enough. So I kept doing it. Then… the first time I fainted, I told myself I was fine. That I just went a little too far, that’s all. I tried to start eating more again for a couple months, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was getting fat. That I didn’t look thin enough. I was so stupid.” I let the tears fall freely down my cheeks, letting myself finally feel the entire weight of the words I had never let myself say before.

  Even after admitting I had a problem to Dr. Tinsley, I could never bring myself to open up about how it happened or how far I let it go. It felt good to finally say it.

  “I’m so sorry, Ais. I should have been there for you… I should have helped you.”

  I wiped my face dry. “It’s not your fault, East. It’s not like I could call you.”

  “That’s the thing, Ais. That is my fault. I should have never let you go, ever let you think you couldn’t call me if you needed me. I shouldn’t have let you think—even for a minute—that I didn’t care. Because I do. I always have.”

  “It’s okay, East. I don’t blame you.”

  “I want to make it up to you. Tell me
how I can help you. I’ll do anything for you.”

  “There’s nothing you can do. It’s something I’m going to struggle with every day. It’s not something I can just decide to stop.” No matter how much I hated myself for being so weak. “I have a problem and I’m coming to terms with it. I’m always going to be half broken.”

  “Maybe right now you’re broken… but I promise you, Aisley Carter, I’ll be the one who fixes you.” East pulled me into him, holding me close. I buried my face in his chest, breathing in his scent. He made me feel like everything would be okay again, even if it were only temporary.

  “Becks told me you sold the property,” I said, pulling back to look at him.

  “I don’t need it.”

  “East—”

  “I was serious when I said I needed you, Aisley. I don’t need a piece of land. I want you to know that I support your dreams, and I’ll follow you anywhere, babe.”

  “I appreciate that, East, but you can’t give up your dreams for me, either.”

  “I’m not. I’m just changing them. I want to be there if, and when, you get to that place again, the one where you think you’re not good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough. I want to be the one who tells you how wrong you are.”

  I met his determined eyes. East would forever be my biggest cheerleader. Without him, I wouldn’t have gotten this far. He was my strength and my every heartbeat. I knew, more than anything, he would be the one to save me from myself.

  “You’re the best person I’ve ever known, Carter. You’re my best friend. Those two years we spent apart were the worst two years of my life. I won’t lose you again. I can’t.”

  “I love you, Easton,” I said, giving up for now.

  “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that, Carter.” He leaned down and kissed me hard on the mouth. “I love you too.”

  ***

  Epilogue

  Six months later

  “Remember, John, you’re here as a guest, so remember your boundaries,” I teased. “No hovering.”

  He laughed. “Okay, but if you need a bodyguard, just shout. I’ll be out back where that barbeque is.” He pointed through the windows, onto the patio.

  “Good to know.” I winked.