His Dirty Little Secret

by Terri Anne Browning

  I flushed the toilet, then sprayed all the surfaces with the can of Lysol I found under the sink. Once everything was disinfected, I opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Tylenol and an unopened bottle of throat spray. Pouring a glass of water from the sink, I then went back to Ash, who was huddled under the covers, shivering like she was freezing.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she lifted her lashes to look at me.

  I put the medicine on the nightstand, along with the glass of water, then sat down on the edge of her bed. Leaning forward, I put a hand on each side of her head. “Why are you sorry? You can’t help that you’re sick, baby.”

  “Jamie,” she said with a moan, twin tears rolling down her face. “I don’t want to get him sick, but I probably have.”

  I wiped away the tears with my thumb before they could reach her lips. “He’s probably the one who got you sick, Ash, not the other way around. This shit is going around the daycare right now,” I tried to reassure her, but two more tears fell from her eyes, making my heart twist at the sight.

  I couldn’t stand Amber’s tears, but Ash’s destroyed me. She was so strong and kept her emotions so locked up that I had only ever seen her cry a handful of times in all the years I had known her. Seeing them now gutted me. She loved Jaime like he was her own, despite all the shit I had put her through.

  “Here,” I urged, helping her sit up before reaching for the bottle of Tylenol. “This will make you feel a little better.” I shook out two tablets and handed them and the water to her.

  She took them and swallowed painfully.

  Pulling my phone out of my front pocket, I turned on the flashlight. “Let me see.” When she gave me pitiful glare, I tapped her chin. “Come on, Ash; I need to see how bad it is.” Picking up the bottle of throat spray, I shook it enticingly. “I’ll numb you up as soon as I’m done.”

  Blowing out a tired huff, she opened her mouth and reluctantly stuck out her tongue. Using the flashlight on my phone, I shined it on the back of her throat and swallowed a curse. Enlarged tonsils, white blisters, and a bright red throat. She was going to need antibiotics, and I knew she would fight me tooth and nail about going to the doctor.

  Seeing the look on my face, she snapped her mouth shut and licked her cracked lips. “I’m not going,” she grumbled in a painfully hoarse voice that was cut off abruptly when she started coughing.

  Listening to her cough made my own chest hurt.

  “Baby, you have to see a doctor. That cough is bad. You might have a respiratory infection, too.”

  “I just need to rest,” she muttered mutinously.

  “You need hardcore antibiotics,” I argued, knowing it wasn’t much use. She was the most stubborn woman I had ever met. I would either have to carry her there myself or …

  I gritted my teeth at the only other option I had, knowing it was the lesser of two evils and the only one Ash would accept.

  “I’ll call Dominic,” I offered, and she seemed to relax.

  “O-okay,” she gave in after only a small hesitation.

  Jealousy burned in my gut, eating at it like an ulcer. I hated how close she and my old friend had gotten over the years. The few occasions Ash had gone to parties I’d been at over the last six years, Dominic had been with her every time. It seemed they were always together. So much so that even the trashy gossip columns had suggested the two were seriously dating.

  “Where’s your phone, baby?” I asked, pushing a few strands of sweat-soaked hair back from her beautiful face. “He probably won’t answer if I call him from mine.”

  She swallowed roughly, grimacing in pain before licking her lips once more. She shifted, making the robe she was wearing fall open ever so slightly, exposing the valley between her breasts.

  My dick sprang to life, hardening and thickening, pressing painfully against the zipper of my slacks. I mentally cursed my reaction to her. She was sick, yet my body didn’t seem to care. It would have responded to her under any condition.

  “Here,” she murmured, pulling her phone from her robe’s pocket.

  I took it from her, letting my fingers linger on the soft skin of her palm before pulling away.

  Seeing that Dominic’s name was close to the top on her recent contacts, my hand tightened around the phone as another shot of jealousy tried to consume me. It wasn’t just that he was at the top of her most recent calls. As I glanced at the screen, I saw that his name showed up quite frequently. As in, twice a day, sometimes more.

  “Something wrong?” she asked when I didn’t immediately make the call.

  Clenching my jaw, I put aside my jealousy and hit the man’s name before lifting the phone to my ear. It rang three times before someone picked up.

  “Hey, I was just thinking about you.”

  The urge to punch the man who had once been like a brother to me had my free hand balling into a fist.

  “Dom,” I growled his name and could actually feel him tensing, feel his anger flooding through the connection.

  “What the fuck are you doing with Ash’s phone?” he bit out.

  “I’m at her apartment with Jamie.” My tone didn’t change. I was just as pissed at him as he was at me. I could pinpoint the exact day our once close friendship had changed. Could remember down to the minute when everything had blown up and why. I had fucked up. I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and I couldn’t regret it because it had given me my son. But with the creation of Jamie, I had lost everything else that was important to me.

  “That still doesn’t explain why you have her phone.”

  I glanced at Ash, who was curled up into a ball. With each inhale, I could hear something rattling in her chest. She looked so small and exhausted. The bullshit that was between me and Dominic didn’t matter right then. He could help Ash, and that was what was important.

  “She’s sick, Dom. Running a fever so high she’s throwing up. Her throat is red, swollen, and has white blisters. And she’s wheezing.”

  “Hell,” he muttered. “Give her something to help with the fever. Make her as comfortable as possible. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  “I’ve already given her some Tylenol, man. But she’s still miserable. What can I do to help her?” I felt useless just sitting there doing nothing. I wanted to trade places with her, be the one who was ill so she didn’t have to feel like this.

  “Just stay with her, Sawyer. I’m going out the door right now. I have to stop and get a few things for her, then I’ll be there and you can leave.”

  Leave? There was no fucking way I was leaving her when she was so sick. However, he didn’t give me time to tell him that before the phone went silent in my ear.

  I wasn’t going anywhere.

  There was a tap on the door before Jamie walked into the bedroom. “Dad?” He ran over to the bed, but he only had eyes for Ash. “Aunt Ash?” He reached for her hand before I could stop him. Holding on to it tightly, he shook it until her eyes opened and she looked right at him.

  “Jamie,” she whispered, her throat seeming to hurt with each word she spoke. “You should go to your room. I don’t want to get you sick, buddy.”

  “I don’t want to leave you if you’re sick.” He touched her pale cheek, his little face twisted with concern for the woman he thought of as a second mother. “I’ll take care of you, Aunt Ash. Just like you do me when I’m sick.”

  Her smile was weak. “Thanks, bud. How about getting me a bottle of water out of the fridge?”

  Eager to help, he ran to get it for her. As soon as he was out the door, her eyes snapped to mine. “Please, take him home, Sawyer. I don’t want him to catch this.”

  “He’s probably already got it, baby. And you heard the kid; we’re going to take care of you.” I picked up the bottle of throat spray. “Here, this will help.”

  “I can do it,” she protested, but I didn’t hand over the bottle. We stared each other down, neither one of us willing to back down.

  Jamie ran back i
nto the room with the bottle of water. “Here you go.” He handed it over, his attention on the red spray in my hand. “Yuck, that stuff tastes bad. But it always makes my throat feel better. You should take some, Aunt Ash.”

  “I will as soon as your father gives it to me, buddy.” She smiled tightly.

  “Let Dad do it,” he urged her. “He does it better. He can get all the red spots that hurt.”

  “Jamie—”

  “You heard the boy.”

  She glared at me, and I had to fight back a grin. Ash had one huge weakness, and it was my kid. I was going to hell, anyway, so I didn’t care that I was using my son to get what I wanted.

  “Don’t be such a baby and let me help.”

  “Don’t be scared, Aunt Ash,” Jamie clasped her hand, giving her a reassuring smile. “It won’t hurt.”

  She huffed, then grimaced in pain when the air brushed over her tender throat. The urge to grin faded at the sight of her hurting. I wanted time with her, but not at the expense of her health, dammit.

  “Okay,” she grumbled. “Let’s get this over with.”

  Ash opened her mouth, and I clasped her chin between my thumb and forefinger. As I tilted her head back, the scar on her neck caught my attention and everything inside of me froze for a second.

  No matter how many times I saw that scar, I would never get used to the sight of it. It started at her right ear and went down, all the way to the base of her throat, and across to her collar bone on the left side. It was deep.

  I had nightmares about that damn thing. I woke up in the middle of the night, gasping for breath because her windpipe had been cut. Ash couldn’t breathe, so I couldn’t breathe.

  I had no idea how she had gotten it, and if Amber knew, she had never shared the details with me.

  Ash had come home from her last assignment overseas with it. The assignment that we had fought over. She had left upset, and I had left pissed. Pissed at her, the world, but mostly at myself.

  “Stop,” she whispered, her voice shaking.

  I pulled my eyes away from the scar that could have taken her away from me forever and turned my attention back to the task at hand.

  FIVE

  Ash

  SOMEONE SHIFTING BESIDE ME PULLED me out of a deep, restful sleep. I immediately knew it wasn’t Jamie. The size was too large, the heat too intense. Instinct screamed who it was, but I didn’t want to believe it. My body was too attuned to the person, my heart already reacting to his nearness now that I was more aware of my surroundings.

  Opening my eyes, I swallowed and prepared myself for it to hurt, but the discomfort was bearable compared to what it had been over the last two days. The first thing I saw was the bare chest where my head was pillowed. I remembered this chest all too well. My arm was draped across his waist like it belonged there, and my head was tucked into that special place just under his neck that I had always laid in when I would fall asleep with him. That fresh, spicy scent that I had always connected to Sawyer Brannon filled my nose, making my heart react a little more intensely.

  I slowly lifted my head. The covers were pulled up to my chest, but they had drifted lower on him when he had shifted. His head was turned away, but the arm I was lying on was wrapped around me tightly, like he was afraid I would disappear if he didn’t hold on. The scruff that had been on his face was now turning into a beard.

  Memory by memory, the last few days drifted back to me. Dominic showing up with meds and checking me over. Of him arguing with Sawyer over who should stay with me. Dom had gotten called into the hospital for an emergency, so he’d had no choice but to let Sawyer stay. I had tried to sleep through the most of it, but every time I had opened my eyes, there he had been. Forcing me to drink, to take the antibiotics and steroids that Dominic had left, tempting me to eat a little soup.

  I had been so sick I hadn’t put up much of a fight. It had been weird to have this man take care of me. Weird, but my heart had soaked up every second of it. The stupid organ.

  Thankfully, I was feeling more like myself today. I could put a stop to all those crazy melty feelings he had been causing the last two days.

  I should have gotten up, showered after having ran a fever for so long. I felt sticky and gross. Instead, I just laid there, watching Sawyer sleep.

  When he had been mine … No, when we had been together, I had done this often. Sharing a bed with someone, letting them see you at your most vulnerable was one of the most intimate things any two people could do.

  For two months, when I wasn’t off on an assignment, Sawyer had shared my bed every night. We would make love until neither one of us could move another muscle, and I would fall asleep on top of him. I had been in love, and happier than I could ever remember being in my entire life.

  Except for one thing.

  He wouldn’t let me tell anyone. He hadn’t wanted to tell Brice, afraid my brother wouldn’t approve. Therefore, I had kept my mouth shut. I hadn’t told anyone, not even Amber.

  Suddenly feeling cold, I shifted away from the sleeping man and started to get up.

  I should have realized then that what we’d had was doomed. As the days had turned into weeks, and he had remained adamant about keeping our relationship quiet, I had started to feel more like his dirty little secret. We hadn’t gone out. Not to dinner, or a movie, or even a simple damn walk. We had stayed locked up in my apartment, making love and eating takeout because we were both too exhausted from the hours of wild sex to cook.

  When we weren’t having sex, we would usually end up arguing. Mostly because of my job back then. He had hated when I had to go away on assignments, especially if it meant traveling to the more dangerous countries. My job had always been important to me, but I had been ready to give it up for him.

  If he would only tell the world that we were together.

  We had fought the night before that last assignment. I had gotten a call from my editor at eleven that night, with orders to catch the five thirty flight out the next morning. Sawyer had given me an ultimatum: work or him. So I had given him one of my own. I would give up the job I had worked my ass off to get, the job I loved, for him, if he would just tell my brother.

  When he had hesitated, I had realized that I was never going to be more to him than his secret fuck buddy. If he had loved me, then he wouldn’t have hidden the fact that we were together. Realizing that had hurt more than anything I had ever felt up to that point in my life. I was so in love with him, but he obviously hadn’t felt anywhere close to the same thing for me.

  Consequently, I had made him leave, told him to just forget about us. He hadn’t argued, which again, should have told me all I needed to know. He had just grabbed his things and left.

  I hadn’t slept that night, and my head had still been on him when I had been on that damn assignment.

  My head should have been in the game. I knew how dangerous it could get, and that I should have been more aware of my surroundings. Instead, I had let my guard down, and now I would always carry the evidence of that mistake on my body.

  The scars were my mementos from a time when I had thought I was going to die, but they were nothing to the pain I had faced when I had come home, months later than expected, to find out that Sawyer had married Amber.

  Tears stung my eyes, making my throat burn. I tossed my legs over the side of the bed, and Sawyer shifted behind me. I glanced back in time to see him turn onto his stomach, the covers sliding down a little more to unveil the top of his boxer briefs. His back was just as delicious as his chest, and despite the urge to cry, I found myself reacting to him being in my bed.

  Forcing myself to turn away, I went into the bathroom and locked the door. After a shower, the urge to cry was gone. But like it always did when I thought about the past, my heart felt bruised all over again.

  With a towel wrapped around me, I went back into my bedroom to find Sawyer was still asleep. Frowning, because it wasn’t like him to sleep so long on a weekday, I went into my closet and got dressed.


  Covered up now, I went back to the bed and shook his arm. “Sawyer,” I spoke loudly at his ear. “Hey, don’t you have to be at work?”

  He must have missed the last two days to take care of me, which was totally unlike him. He had gone to work with the flu once, and Amber had called me to complain about it. Even when we had been together, he had never missed a day of work. Never been late. That he had taken the time off to care for me threatened to melt me, and my feelings were already too close to the surface.

  I pushed them down and attempted to put up my shields where this guy was concerned.

  I shook his shoulder again. “Sawyer.”

  He moved so fast that I yelped as he turned onto his back and pulled me on top of him. He didn’t open his eyes as he tucked me close, wrapping his arms around me in a tight band.

  “Let’s go back to sleep,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. “You should get some more rest.”

  “I’m fine now,” I said as I pushed against his chest, trying to get away. I couldn’t do this, not now. He was weakening the walls I had spent years reinforcing, and they were already threatening to crumble. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. “It’s almost eight. You’re going to be late for work.”

  I felt another kiss on the top of my head as he eased his hold enough so he could trace little figure eights on my back. “Not going.”

  “Okay, then get up.” I didn’t care if he went to work or not. I wanted him out of my apartment. Fuck, I had moved from my old one because the memories had been too much. I didn’t want new ones of him in my bed to haunt me. “If you want to sleep, go back to your place and sleep there.”

  “Nah, I’m good here.” With one of his hands, he started stroking up and down my back, making goose bumps pop up along my entire body. Even through my clothes, the feel of his caressing fingers was enough to make my body come alive.

  “No, Sawyer,” I started as the bedroom door opened.

  Jamie ran into my bedroom, still dressed in pajamas. He jumped onto my bed and grinned when he saw that I was dressed. “Are you feeling better, Aunt Ash?”