Ardeur

by Gavan, Danielle

  “Do you recall much about what happened just before your accident? Maybe someone was calling out for you to stop?”

  I nodded, the events before the BMW slammed into me replayed in my mind.

  “That was me. The voice that tried to stop you from running out in front of that car was mine. I'm the one who called the ambulance and took care of you before it arrived. I stood outside the hospital every damned day while you were there, praying to a God that I don't believe in that you'd be okay.” He turned his face up toward mine and caught my eyes with his own golden ones. “If I hadn't had that bag of yours, I'd have never known to go see Dr. Martals or how to find you after you disappeared from the hospital.”

  The mention of my doctor's name snapped my attention into focus. I pulled my bag around to my lap and ripped it open in search of the notebook that held the details of my life. It was the only place he could have found information about Celine and - oh, shit. “How much of this did you read?”

  He at least had the decency to blush before responding that he'd read most of it and had seen that I'd remembered him throughout the years. “Even my birthdays. Why?”

  “You were the only person who was ever nice to me; the only person in twenty five years to show me something other than contempt, disgust or fear.” Brody reached out to take my hand in his and I scooted back in my chair, the wooden legs scraping against the hardwood floor. I stood and hedged toward the door. “I'm sorry, Brody. I've been looking forward to seeing you again since that last time in school but, I can't. I'm too afraid that you'll reject me too once you know what I am.”

  The doorknob was in my hand before I knew it and I was out the door, running down the hall without hearing the words that he spoke next.

  “I know what you are and I'm okay with it.”

  As soon as the lock clicked open, I ran in to my room, threw off my clothes and rocketed into the shower. The dial turned all the way to cold and I sat down under the frigid spray, legs cuddled to my chest.

  The wolf had gotten under my skin in a bad way. I had never, ever, wanted another person to touch me as much as I did him and that scared the shit out of me. My small fist slammed into the beige tile and sent cracks spider webbing out from the point of impact. I winced at the pain that spread through my right hand and cradled it to my chest. “Fuck. Me.”

  A snort erupted at the ridiculousness of that statement as I realized the hilarity of the situation. No one ever had. I was a full-grown woman and had never, ever been touched. Not in the way Brody had just done. Never in an interested, caring sort of way and certainly never by anyone that I wanted to touch in return.

  I sat in the cold spray of the shower; mind turned inward as my body slowly became numb from the chill in the water. My mind drifted back thirteen years , back to when I had lived in a room not much bigger than my shower. A room that was as cold as the water on my skin and darker than the bottom of Hell's pit. They had kept me locked in that room for what felt like an eternity. It had actually only been a week, two at the most, but it had been plenty of time to ensure they had succeeded.

  I had screamed myself raw when they had called Shadekar into me. I had screamed and no one had come to my rescue. I was screaming now - and I was still alone.

  Rae heard the piercing shrieks coming from Ardeur's room as he walked down the hall on the way back to his office and burst through the solid oak door. He heard the shower running and the anguished screams of the woman he'd grown obsessed with over the last two days. Scooping up the heavy quilt from the foot of the bed, he entered the bathroom, reached into the shower and turned off the freezing water. Lifting the shivering woman off the floor of the stall and wrapping her in the blanket, he easily carried her out to the bedroom and sat her on the edge of the bed.

  “Ardy, okay, shush. It's Rae, I've got you.” His arms wrapped around her as he tried to still the trembling and warm her body with the heat from his own. Whatever memory she was trapped in was a powerful one that made her scream and claw at her chest.

  “Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.”

  Rae captured her hands in one of his and stroked her back with the other. “Shush Ardy. We will, I promise, we will.”

  She continued to fight against him and he held her tighter while he wondered what could have triggered this reaction. A trickle of terror snaked its way down his spine and he shook off the uneasy feeling.

  “Why? Why did they do this to me?” The questions were uttered in a childlike voice and they told Rae everything he needed to know about what she was reliving. He felt her shivering begin to ease after a while as the heat from his body seeped through the blanket to her cold skin Their close proximity and the bit of soul they shared had allowed some of the images to bleed through to him and Rae flinched as he heard what he realized was Shade's voice in Ardy's head.

  “You will never know the love of a man. No man will ever want you, Ardeur. None,” the demon spat.

  Ardeur screamed again and buried her face into his chest. Rae let her sink into him, knowing that the warmth of his touch was all he could offer her until the memory faded completely. He gently stroked her hair and rocked with her until the sobbing stopped. “He was wrong, Ardy. You are loved, I promise you that.”

  Rae leaned back and pushed the wet strands of gold from her face. “I'm pretty sure that man downstairs would be happy to love you.” I do – with all my heart, he thought but kept the words internalized. She had enough to deal with right now.

  Blue eyes blinked up at him through the tangles of her hair and the blanket. She tried to speak several times but her teeth clamped down on her tongue each time a shiver racked her small body. Finally, she blurted out a thank you.

  “How much did you see Rae?”

  “Just a sec.” Rae put her down on the bed and went to fetch a few towels. He manifested some warm clothes for Ardeur and returned to the bedroom to help her dry off and dress. Keeping his eyes averted from the luscious curves of her body was harder than he’d imagined and he couldn’t help but sneak a peek when the towel glided over the swell of her breasts.

  “Doesn't matter what I saw. What I do see is someone who feels unworthy and is afraid to be honest about what and who she is. I see someone who has sadness and undeserved shame in her past and uncertainty of her future. I see a friend in pain when she doesn't need to be.”

  He watched his words sink in and the tears start again.

  “It hurts, Rae. So, so much.” Ardeur's small hand darted out from between them and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “I've never been loved, ever, by anyone. For thirteen years, that bastard has been in my head whispering that I'm not worthy. No man will ever want me. No one wants me.”

  She buried her face in his chest again and Rae stroked her back as it shook with her quiet sobbing. “I know, Ardy. I know it hurts but he is wrong, so wrong.” He wiped away her tears and tipped her chin up to look her in the eyes. Rae searched her face and wondered what could have brought all of this on. “Did something happen in my office to make you feel like this? What did Brody say to you?”

  Rae saw the blush creep up Ardeur's cheeks and moved to sit on the bed next to her. He wasn't sure how to broach the subject and finally just spit it out. “He touched you? Showed interest in you while you talked?”

  “He did, but Rae; he doesn't know what I am. How could he want me if he knew?”

  Oh. Now I see. Rae thought as he turned fully and took Ardeur's small, delicate hands in his own. “He does know what you are. Celine told him the day we brought you here. She gave him the choice to come and find you or walk away.”

  Ardeur's wide eyes looked up and then turned toward the open doorway. “He came - for me? Brody wants me?” Rae nodded and she bit her lip as the information sank in. “But, Rae - I don't know what to do with myself if he touches me. I mean, I can flirt because I was trained to do it but I have no idea how to do anything beyond that.”

  Azrael gave her a lopsided grin as he realized something about his ne
west friend that should have been glaringly obvious to him.

  “Ardy, are you? You're saying you've never?” He took a deep breath and sighed. “You're a virgin?” The last word squeaked out as a bright blush covered Rae's cheeks.

  “You betcha.” She punched him when Rae's shoulders began to shake with laughter. “Pure as the driven snow and never been kissed.”

  The tilt of her chin defied him to poke fun at her and it warmed him to see that she was forgetting the earlier hysteria and calming down. “I don't know about the driven snow; that might be taking things a bit far.” She punched him hard and he knew he deserved it, but he had wanted to lighten the moment. It had worked.

  “Brody is here because he wants to be with you. Whether that turns into love or desire or anything else is up to the two of you, but sweetie he's here and that means something.”

  Ardy nodded and picked at the material of her pants. “I've screwed this up royally, haven't I?”

  Rae laughed and bumped her shoulder. “Nah. I'm sure he'll understand with a bit of explaining. Why don't you rest tonight and I'll talk with him. Okay?”

  “Sure. The whiskey’s still in the library, right?”

  “Yeah, why?” He watched her smile and walk off ahead of him. “Don't get drunk, Ardy. It won't be good for either of you.” Her fingers waving were the last thing he saw before she rounded the corner and headed down the stairs. Rae sighed and followed her down at a slower pace. “Why do I do this to myself?”

  The library door closed down the hall as he hit the bottom of the stairs and crossed to his office where he found a very anxious werewolf pacing a hole in his carpet. “Sit, we need to talk.”

  Thirteen

  The whiskey was where it always was - right next to the scotch on the shelf behind the bar that was in the corner of the library. The last rays of sunlight glinted off the faces of the glass bottles and the facets of the collection of crystal stemware. I found the bottle of Jameson, and smiled at the black lettering on the beige label as I twisted the cap off and poured two inches into a glass.

  “Sure you wanna be drinking that, Blondie?”

  “Yep.” I tossed back a big mouthful of the golden liquid and hissed while it burned a path down to my empty stomach. “I need some courage and since I'm lacking my own right now - liquid courage of the Irish variety will do.”

  “Very funny. You know the wolf is Irish, right? “

  I hummed and ignored the comment while I poured another inch into my glass.

  The thick pile of the carpet muffled my footsteps on the way to one of the overstuffed sofas occupying the middle of the room that was lined with shelf upon shelf of books. I sank down against the cushions, my eyes wandering over the thousands of book spines while I tossed back mouthful after mouthful of liquid fire until my eyes fluttered closed and the sweet oblivion of liquor-induced sleep took over.

  I woke up the moment he entered the room. My senses picked up the flare of energy that tickled down my spine and spread over me like a warm, fuzzy blanket. It felt fantastic and yet, my first instinct was to run - run as fast as my legs would take me and not look back. I was tired of running, though, and stayed put on the couch while he walked around and sat across from me.

  Brody assumed the same position he had in the chair in Rae's office the day before - knees spread wide, forearms resting on powerful thighs that stretched the denim of his jeans and hands dangling casually between the two of us. He sat quiet like that for a moment before reaching out to nudge the glass on the floor between us with the tip of his booted foot.

  I watched him rub the back of his neck while he thought of what to say, the nervous energy rolling off him and fizzing over my skin causing me to rub my bare arms to dispel some of it.

  “I'm sorry.” The words were so soft it took me a minute to register that he'd actually spoken until Brody looked up and gave me the smile that I recognized from when we'd been children. “Rae explained.”

  He reached down, picked up the glass that still contained the last of my drink and tossed the contents down neat before he allowed his eyes to meet mine. The normal hazel of his eyes was warmed by the barely noticeable golden glow of his wolf. I could sense it pacing below the surface and it sent a shiver of realization down my back. Both man and beast were nervous as hell and I was the cause of it.

  “Why are you here Brody? If Celine told you what I am, why would you want to see me knowing that?”

  I watched him rub the back of his neck again. “It doesn't matter. I'm not exactly your average guy either, so what difference does it make that you're a necromancer?” He held his hand up to stop me when I opened my mouth to interject. The hazel had bled completely out of his eyes so that they glowed a solid gold when he looked at me. “Rae explained about your demon too. I hate that you have to deal with that and I'd kill the bastard for you if I could.”

  Brody's last words caught my attention. My thoughts focused on him while I reached for the cup of coffee he'd set at my feet and stared down at the warm liquid inside. “How much did Rae tell you about what happened yesterday after I ran out?”

  “Nothing specific. He just said that you've been through a lot and I should take it easy with touching you and not move too fast.”

  I felt him watching me tilt the cup to my lips and take a swallow of the contents. I had been about to take another sip when he spoke again. The words had me spewing hot coffee across the carpet and the tops of his shiny, black leather boots. “Was that you I heard screaming?”

  I took my time wiping off the mess on my chin before responding to his question. “Um, yeah. Sorry. I wasn't expecting to find a werewolf whenever we met again. Between that and the shit going on in my head, it kinda freaked me out.”

  His laugh was the kind of husky that screamed sexy and made you want to say something else funny just to hear it again. “I wasn't expecting a necromancer wrapped up in the beautiful angel that I knew you'd be when I finally found you; and you are beautiful, Ardy. No matter what the demon says - you're worth it and deserving of love.”

  Whatever I'd been expecting him to say, it hadn't been that. I blinked at him for a minute and then slowly let my trembling hand reach out between us. His eyes, gone back to their normal calm hazel, flicked from my face to my hand and back again.

  “Please take it before I lose my nerve and think that all of those pretty words you just said meant nothing at all.”

  The buzz of nervous energy that crept up my arm when Brody's big hand wrapped around mine told me that he wasn't nearly as calm as he appeared to be. His eyes might be the mellow hazel I'd grown up remembering, but his wolf was very clearly pacing just below the surface. I felt the soft brush of fur against my skin and closed my eyes for a minute. Nothing had ever felt so good, so much like coming home as when the wolf reached out and touched me - filled my senses with scents of the forest and warm, musky male.

  “Are you okay?” Brody's voice snapped me back to reality and I opened my eyes, a smile curving my lips. “You, um, were moaning a bit.”

  His shoulders were shaking with suppressed laughter that made me blush and try to pull away. The grip he had on my hand refused to let go of the precious treasure he'd gained and I let him keep it. I needed to start trusting people and who better to start with but the man I'd been dreaming of finding for most of my life?

  My hand gave his a gentle tug and the other one patted the cushion next to where I sat. “Come sit with me?” The surprise on his face was expected, so was the hesitation and the questioning look that asked if I was sure. “I'm sure. Come here.” I wasn't but it was time to deal with my insecurities or they'd eat me alive.

  Brody's weight on the sofa tilted me closer to him and I got a whiff of the wolf again as he settled against the cushions, his muscular arm resting on the back of the couch behind my shoulders. “Much better.”

  The smile he gave me was a happy one despite the fact he was rubbing the back of his neck, again. “You sure about that? You're throwing off anxi
ety like a virgin on her wedding night.” He chuckled nervously until he caught me worrying at my lower lip with my teeth.

  “Wedding night? No. The other part, um, yeah?” My cheeks burned red with embarrassment. Shade was howling with laughter at my admission but it was too late to take the words back now. I closed my eyes and waited for Brody to run, wouldn't blame him if he did.

  The silence stretched between us for long minutes until I couldn't take it anymore and opened my eyes to find him studying me with one eyebrow raised in query.

  “Seriously?” I nodded, the blush on my cheeks heating further. “Hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of darlin'.” His fingers lifted my chin so that I was looking him in the eyes. “I respect that. Just promise me, when you want to change that, you come to me. Okay?”

  You could have knocked me over with a feather after he said those words. That and the lopsided grin he gave me put the sold sign out on my front lawn.

  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath filled with the scent of the man sitting next to me and opened them again to pin him with my gaze. “God, you smell good, Brody. I don't know why, but I want to sit here all day and just breathe you in.”

  “Well that's all good but -“ His hand was back rubbing his neck as another smile spread over his lips. “You’re going to think this through first. We'll date and go from there. I'll court you and we'll take it as slow as you need.”

  Laughter bubbled from my lips at his reaction. I couldn't seem to help myself.

  “Oh boy, did I say we needed to do it right now? Relax.” His reaction and words had been exactly what I'd needed. “Did I mention that I've never been kissed either?” Shade groaned in the back of my mind and I heard him give a mental forehead slap.

  “You need a gag for that mouth, girl. Really, you do.” Buzz off. I'm not listening to you anymore.

  The play of emotions and every thought he was having flashed over Brody's face. Surprise at my admission of never being kissed was topmost on the parade of things that his expressions told me. When he spoke again, it was with a barely restrained growl.