by Anne Bennett
‘No good exposing any of it if it’s not worth looking at,’ she said, briskly businesslike, and then, catching sight of Janet’s startled face, added: ‘Make the most of what you have, my dear. Not many have the perfect figure and I know women who’d die for a waist like yours.’
Janet looked at herself critically in the mirror. ‘I’ve got no shape,’ she complained.
‘Of course you’ve got shape, all you have to do is emphasise it,’ the shop assistant said more kindly. ‘We need a large belt to pull in the waist, and that in turn will raise the hemline slightly.’ She caught sight of Janet’s self-conscious face and said, ‘Don’t worry so much, dear. If I had legs as good as yours I’d show them off. Now you need a blazer-type jacket in navy, and a navy bag and a hat with a navy band. And the only type of shoe for this outfit is a navy court shoe with a stiletto heel.’
‘Oh no, I couldn’t wear them,’ Janet said. ‘I’d fall off, I couldn’t possibly wear shoes like that. Couldn’t I just have flat sandals?’
‘What?’ the assistant said, aghast. ‘And ruin your outfit? My dear, it’s just a question of balance.’
The shoes were surprisingly easy to wear, Janet thought. She hoped she wouldn’t turn her ankle, as she’d seen some girls do. Stiletto heels had only been available for a couple of years and had caused an uproar when they’d arrived in the shops. Doctors said they would damage young people’s feet and caused bunions, corns and crushed toes, and many places banned them from their establishments, fearing damage to the floors. But women loved them and they gained in popularity quickly. Janet, though, had had no occasion to wear them before, and she was astounded at the difference they made to the outfit.
Ben didn’t even seem to notice either the smart clothes or the hair Breda had dressed for her or the face she’d made up with her best cosmetics. ‘Hello, love,’ was all he said as he gave her a swift kiss. ‘Are you ready?’
Dejectedly, Janet let Ben take her arm and lead her towards the car he’d borrowed from his father.
He looked incredibly smart, she noted, in the dark navy suit, matching tie and handkerchief and pure white shirt with gold cuff links at the wrists. But he was almost aloof from her, as if he was some distant relation.
At the rather lavish reception at the Grand Hotel in Colmore Row near the city centre, Janet was pounced on by Mary Wentworth as she went through the door. ‘Janet, my dear,’ the old lady said, catching her arm. ‘You look just ravishing.’ She stood back from Janet while still holding the sleeves of her jacket, as if appraising her, and then said, to Janet’s acute embarrassment, ‘You are an extremely beautiful young lady, you know.’
‘Oh, Mary,’ Janet said. She’d dropped the courtesy ‘Auntie’ a couple of years earlier. ‘Stop it!’
‘I can see by your face I’m embarrassing you, my dear,’ said the irrepressible old lady, ‘but you will have to get used to hearing compliments like that, for I’ll not be the last to say it. I bet your young man would agree with me,’ she went on, turning to Ben. ‘I believe you are a brother of Ruth’s,’ she said, and without giving him a chance to reply added: ‘Don’t you think Janet is a remarkably beautiful girl?’
Janet wished the ground would open up and swallow her. ‘Mary,’ she said again through clenched teeth.
Ben was taken aback, but he rallied quickly. ‘Of course,’ he said, but Janet heard the flat, unemotional tone and wanted to weep.
Mary seemed satisfied, however, and said in an undertone to Janet, ‘Well, I’m glad they decided to get married at last, aren’t you?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Janet, for it was obvious just seeing them together how they cared for one another.
‘Well, he’s a sight better than that David Sunderland,’ Mary said. ‘And to be honest, my Claire could do with a bit of happiness. And little Chloe now has a new father.’
She looked across to where her little granddaughter, looking angelic in her peach satin dress with its cream sash, was smiling at everyone as she moved through the milling crowds, keeping close to Sally, the other little flower girl.
‘You’ll be the next down the aisle, I dare say,’ Mary went on. ‘Mind you, you’re still so young, aren’t you? I don’t suppose you’ll want to rush into things.’
I’m damn well blushing again, thought Janet, feeling the hot flush on her cheeks. What’s the good of dressing to kill if I turn red at the slightest provocation?
She decided to steer the conversation away from herself and Mary’s personal remarks which were so embarrassing. ‘I think Richard is a lovely person and so dedicated to his work. Ben and he have …’ She turned to where Ben had been standing beside her to find him gone. He was at the bar, in earnest conversation with the bridegroom.
She felt suddenly furiously angry. How could he walk off without a word? If it hadn’t been Claire and Richard’s wedding day, she’d demand that he explain his coldness towards her and his behaviour generally, but today wasn’t the time. Mary’s attention had been claimed by someone else and Janet stood alone, feeling awkward and conspicuous. Then she saw gratefully that people were being ushered into the dining room, and she followed quickly behind the press of guests moving forward.
Ben was seated opposite her and seemed to be studiously avoiding her eyes. Somehow, she ate the food and drank the wine, yet tasted nothing, and she managed conversation with the people either side of her. She listened to the speeches and presumably laughed and clapped in the right places, and raised her champagne glass to the toast. Inside she felt like death.
Later, Ben came up behind her and whispered in her ear, ‘Janet, we must talk,’ and she swung round to face him.
‘Talk away,’ she snapped. The band were testing their equipment for the dance which was about to start, and Janet continued to watch them as if her life depended on it, waiting for Ben to speak.
‘I’ll call tomorrow morning,’ he said.
Janet’s eyes blazed. ‘No,’ she said. ‘If you have anything to say to me, say it now, here!’ She couldn’t face waiting until the next day.
She noticed a few heads turned in her direction at her raised voice, but then the band started up and people began to move past them towards the dance floor. Ben knew that Janet was angry and upset, and he took her arm and led her through the crowds until they reached the foyer of the hotel, where he was able to find a fairly private alcove.
‘Don’t cry,’ he said, gently pulling Janet down beside him.
‘I’m not crying,’ she said, but she knew that tears were glistening in her eyes, and her voice was choked with emotion. She probably looked a sight, she thought. She wasn’t used to make-up, and it was probably running down her face at this minute.
Ben had an arm around her shoulders, muffling her sobs. ‘This isn’t how I wanted it to be,’ he said.
‘How you wanted what to be?’ Janet asked tearfully. ‘There’s something wrong with you, I know. What the hell is it?’ Part of her didn’t want to know. ‘Are you tired of me, is that it?’ she went on relentlessly. ‘Is there someone else?’
‘No, no, of course there isn’t,’ Ben reassured her, and dismissed the kisses and even the more intimate lovemaking he’d enjoyed with Therese Steinaway as a bit of harmless fun. After all, he told himself, it wasn’t serious and couldn’t possibly hurt Janet. It wasn’t as if he’d had full sex with her or anything.
‘Well, what the hell is the matter?’ Janet demanded, and Ben pulled himself back to the present.
‘Look,’ he said, ‘I have some news. It’s good news for me, but I didn’t know how you’d feel about it.’
Janet felt threads of apprehension trail down her spine as she said, ‘Well, tell me and I’ll let you know.’
‘I’ve been offered a research post,’ Ben said. ‘For a year initially, but there’s a possibility of a permanent position later. Only, it’s in New York.’
‘New York!’
‘With the professor I went to see there,’ Ben explained. ‘He liked my work and offered
me a job there for a year, to see if it’s what I really want to do before I have to specialise.’
‘And you’re taking it?’
Ben looked uncomfortable. ‘I haven’t yet,’ he said, ‘but I’d be a mug to turn it down. I mean,’ he went on, ‘what have I got to look forward to here? A year as a houseman working sometimes a hundred hours a week or more. I’d hardly see you at all, and if I did manage to escape from the hospital, I’d only want to sleep, so the other chaps tell me. Then there’s my national service – grubbing along in the Medical Corps for two years and for damn all. Specialist posts here are damned hard to get and money for research is nonexistent. If I stayed here, I’d probably end up as a frustrated, bored GP somewhere.’
‘You’ve already decided, haven’t you?’ Janet said in a small voice.
‘Well, yes, sort of,’ Ben said defensively. ‘You must see it’s a golden opportunity. I have the chance of specialising in brain injury in children. It’s perfect for me.’
‘Yes, I see that.’
‘Oh, Janet, don’t go all mulish on me,’ Ben complained.
‘What do you expect?’ Janet said. ‘Where, in your great plan of life, do I fit in?’
‘You, Janet?’ Ben said. ‘You’ll be part of it, of course. Just as soon as the first year’s over.’
Janet started and said, ‘But I … I don’t want to live in America.’
‘Well, I know it isn’t how we planned things, but …’
‘Ben, in a year I’ll have just finished my first year at university,’ Janet said.
‘Yeah, but that’ll go by the board when we marry anyway,’ Ben said. ‘We discussed it, do you remember?’
Janet remembered talking about it, but she couldn’t remember any decision being reached. ‘I couldn’t just give everything up,’ she said, amazed that Ben could even contemplate it.
Ben looked at her in surprise. ‘Of course you could,’ he said.
‘No, I could not,’ Janet said firmly. ‘It matters too much.’
‘More than me?’
‘That’s not fair,’ Janet complained. ‘I never thought I’d have to choose.’
‘No,’ Ben said, ‘neither did I, but the rules have changed and now you have to make a choice. I love you, Janet, and I want to marry you.’
‘I love you,’ Janet said, ‘but …’
She looked at the man she loved with all her heart and wondered if, for him, she could give up the dreams she’d carried around in her head since she was eleven years old. And if she gave it all up and moved to the States, would she resent him later? Would she feel unfulfilled and frustrated with her life?
‘Janet,’ Ben said, taking her hand, ‘listen to me. I’ve spoken to the research firm about their offer, and after the first year they’ll sponsor me through medical school. Of course I’m expected to work for them afterwards, sort of repaying the debt as it were, but it’s no hardship as it’s what I want to do anyway. Apparently they can fit me up with a small apartment, near the hospital. I explained about you and they were very understanding. They said I wouldn’t be the only married man they’d taken on.’
‘Married!’ Janet cried. ‘But Ben, I’ve already told you, I don’t want to be married, not yet.’
‘It’s over a year away.’
‘I won’t be ready in a year either,’ Janet said. ‘I will have done nothing with my life.’
‘Is marrying me nothing?’
‘You know I didn’t mean that,’ Janet snapped furiously.
‘You once said you’d marry me tomorrow if I asked.’
Janet made an impatient movement with her head. ‘I didn’t mean it literally,’ she said. ‘I’m not saying I won’t marry you, just that I’m not ready yet.’ She looked at Ben’s stony face and went on, ‘Look, Ben, you’ve had time to come to terms with this, but you’ve just sprung it on me.’
Ben refused to be mollified. ‘I didn’t think you’d need that much time,’ he said moodily. ‘I thought you’d jump at the chance of living in America.’
‘But I never thought of living there. We never discussed where we’d live,’ Janet said.
‘Don’t say it,’ Ben sneered. ‘You can’t go because you’d miss your bloody family.’
‘Yes,’ Janet snapped, ‘yes, of course I will, I’m not made of stone. But that isn’t the only reason I want to stay here.’
‘Go on, surprise me.’
‘Stop being so awkward,’ Janet said. ‘It doesn’t need much working out. This is, I admit, a dream job for you, and as you said, a marvellous opportunity, and you’d be a fool to turn it down, but not once have you given a thought to what I want.’
‘I thought you wanted to be married?’
‘Eventually I suppose I do,’ Janet said, ‘but I thought we’d have years before I’d have to think about it. I mean, I’ve been given a provisional place at University College in Leicester on the strength of my A level passes. It’s what I’ve wanted since I was a child, just as you wanted to be a doctor. Claire Wentworth worked like mad with me, and my parents made vast sacrifices to make sure I had the chance to achieve my aim.’
‘As my wife,’ Ben said coldly, ‘you wouldn’t work. We discussed this, if you remember. I don’t want a wife of mine working.’
‘We talked, yes,’ Janet said, ‘but I agreed to nothing.’ She felt as if her heart would break as she looked at Ben’s set face. ‘Oh, Ben, I can’t throw it back in everyone’s face,’ she cried. ‘Not after everything that’s been done for me and just say thanks, but no thanks. And anyway,’ she added, ‘I’m hardly likely to get my parents’ consent. You’re almost twenty-one, but I’d need their consent to get married and they’d never agree.’
‘How do you know, when you’ve never asked?’ Ben demanded.
‘I just do.’
Janet was right in her assumption, for just the night before Claire and Richard’s wedding, Betty had confided in Breda: ‘I’m worried sick about our Janet and Ben Hayman.’
‘Why?’ Breda said. ‘She’s all right, she just fancies herself in love with him.’
‘That’s what I’m worried about. I mean, he’s a Jew, Breda.’
‘I know that.’
‘She can’t marry a Jew,’ Betty cried. ‘She’s a Catholic. God, to marry a Protestant would be sin enough, but a Jew … I mean,’ she went on, ‘he’s a nice lad and I have nothing against him personally, and I had no worries about her going out with him, but …’
‘Betty, what are you fretting over?’ Breda said. ‘Janet is not yet eighteen. She has years of study before her and she’ll not think of marriage for many a year yet. There will be more than one boyfriend before she’s finished.’
‘But you said she fancies herself in love.’
‘And so she does,’ Breda said. ‘I did too, and often.’
‘You don’t think she’ll do anything silly?’
‘Get herself pregnant, you mean?’ Breda said, and Betty flushed red and wished her sister wasn’t so direct.
‘Well,’ she said defensively, ‘you can’t help being worried, with them all over one another.’
‘That’s because they see each other for a few weeks after months of separation,’ Breda said.
Betty knew her sister was wise in such matters and knew also that Janet often confided in her, and so she told Bert there was nothing to worry about. But she was still concerned because she knew something was eating Janet, that she was definitely not happy. Even though she was pleased to be invited to Claire’s wedding, there was just a feeling Betty had, and Janet was tense and prickly. Betty had been surprised to have been asked to the wedding at all, it was a bit posh for Bert and her. Her first reaction had been to refuse, but with Sally being a flower girl, she thought she’d better go, if just to keep an eye on her, she knew the mischief she could get up to.
She’d worried herself to death about her outfit and bullied Bert into buying her a new suit, but she still felt nervous and self-conscious. Not at the wedding which was ju
st the registry office in Broad Street, not like a real wedding at all in her opinion, but the reception at the Grand Hotel was so smart, she just hoped none of the family would make a holy show of themselves.
Sally, however, had been angelic and it was Janet that Betty was worried about. She’d seen her talking to Mrs Wentworth and sensed her embarrassment when she turned round to find Ben gone from her side. She hoped they hadn’t had words, though she knew something wasn’t right, and Janet was definitely odd during the meal, she’d spoken to her twice and it was as if she hadn’t heard her. And then, she came upon them in an alcove well away from the main wedding party talking earnestly and seriously together. She backed off as soon as she spotted them. It would never do for them to think she was spying on them, and she said nothing to Bert. He would only start fretting about it and probably blurt something out to Janet. No, she’d keep it to herself. There was time enough to worry when there was something to worry about. ‘Probably had a little spat and it’s over now,’ she said to herself, but as she made her way back to the party she wondered why life didn’t run smoothly for people for very long.
Every day for the week the school term had left to run, Ben was waiting for Janet when she came out of school. Ruth obligingly took herself home on the bus so that Ben and Janet could have time together. Janet was glad. She knew they needed to talk about the future.
Ben described what being a Jew meant. Janet listened nervously to the laws and dietary rules of the culture that was so foreign to her. Despite her years at school with Ruth, she hadn’t been aware of how deep Jewish traditions went. She had scant knowledge of the Catholic Church, but when Ruth explained Yom Kippur or the Day of Atonement for sins, when Jews would fast and pray, Janet likened it to giving something up for Lent, and of course to the Catholic confession. In the same way Chanukah was compared with the Christian Christmas, and while Jewish boys studied for their Bar Mitzvah at thirteen, Catholic children had to study for their confirmation. It really hadn’t struck Janet that despite such parallels, their religions were diametrically opposed.