by Anne Bennett
‘But it shouldn’t matter as you hardly go to church,’ Ben pointed out.
‘I do,’ Janet snapped. ‘Not usually when you’re at home, and not every week, but I have to be married in a Catholic church.’
Ben had laughed gently. ‘I couldn’t do that, you must see. I mean, could you be married in a synagogue?’
Janet’s mouth, agape with shock, spoke for her. ‘Then,’ said Ben, ‘it would have to be a compromise on both sides, a civil ceremony.’
Janet could almost hear Betty lamenting, claiming that they would be unmarried in the eyes of the Church and that any children coming into the world would be illegitimate. The problems were immense. Janet knew this, and went as always to Breda. ‘I love him so much I ache,’ she confessed, ‘and yet …’ She looked at Breda and said, ‘He wants me to marry him next year and then go with him to America.’
Breda’s heart gave a lurch as she realised that the situation between them was more serious than she’d imagined. Betty was right to be concerned, she thought. She chose her words with care. ‘And what do you want, Janet?’
Janet was quiet for a moment or two and then said slowly, ‘Aunt Breda, I want everything. When I think of being away from Ben, even for a day, never mind weeks or months, I feel sick. Yet … yet I don’t want to get married. I’m too young.’
‘But you couldn’t marry Ben yet,’ Breda pointed out. ‘Not for a while. You have years of study before you.’
Janet flushed and Breda said angrily, ‘Ben’s not suggesting you give it all up?’
Janet gave a brief nod and hurried on to explain. ‘He … he doesn’t approve of married women working, and … and he suggested I read up on the Jewish laws while he’s away to find out more about his religion. But I want to do something for myself. I want to follow the dream I’ve had since I worked with Claire before my eleventh birthday.’ She looked at Breda. ‘I’ve wanted to teach longer than Ben has wanted to be a doctor, and certainly longer than he has had this urge to be involved in mental health care, but he thinks I’m being unreasonable.’
‘You can’t live on love,’ Breda pointed out. ‘I’m not even sure a surfeit of it is healthy at all. Tell me,’ she went on, ‘how is Ben Hayman to support a wife whose only occupation would be to drape herself graciously around his home and presumably wait on him hand and foot?’
Janet smiled at her aunt’s terminology, knowing that that was really what Ben would like. ‘He said the firm will sponsor him while he trains,’ she said.
‘Enough to provide for himself and a wife? Enough to rent an apartment in New York? Enough to provide for any children that might happen to come along?’ Breda asked wryly.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why, then, are you getting into this state, when Ben himself might not be able to afford to marry you? Even if he can, your parents would never agree.’
‘I told him that,’ Janet said. ‘I really tried to reason with him. He can’t or won’t understand that much as I love him, I’m too young to marry, and that I want to make something of Janet Travers before I become Janet Hayman.’
‘Life doesn’t come to an end after marriage, you know, Janet,’ Breda said. ‘Not any more. Are you going to go through all that studying just to throw it away when a man puts a ring on your finger?’
Put like that it was ridiculous, Janet thought, and yet wasn’t that what Ben expected? ‘I suppose that’s why Ben doesn’t see why I should bother in the first place,’ she said.
‘And then what? All the studying, hard work and sacrifice of those around you so far would be for nothing. And you’ll break your mother’s heart.’
‘I know,’ Janet said, ‘and I don’t want that either, but I don’t want to lose Ben.’
‘Why should you lose him? He’s been given a unique opportunity. Why should he deny you yours?’ Breda asked. She reached across the table and took Janet’s hands. ‘Ben is, I’m sure, a fine young man, but there is one huge problem that you and he seem unable to face. He’s Jewish, Janet, and that fact means that your parents will never agree to you marrying him.’ Janet began to shake her head, but Breda urged, ‘Hear me out, love. Someone has got to tell you this, and God help your poor mother, for if she even knew you were considering marriage, she would have a bloody heart attack.
‘Now,’ she went on, ‘I doubt your parents would give their consent for you to marry anyone, now or in the near future, considering both your age and the years of study you have still to do. With Ben, not only would they not give their consent, but if you were to marry him when you were of age, they’d be unlikely to even give you their blessing. Added to which,’ Breda added, ‘Ben’s parents might not be too happy with him either. In my experience, few Jews marry non-Jews. It’s much more than a religion, Janet.’
Janet knew that much of what her aunt said was true. ‘But I love him, Auntie Breda,’ she cried helplessly.
‘If you do truly love each other, this time apart will strengthen your love, and if it is as strong after the years of separation then it will also withstand parental pressure for you to part. Each of you will have to stand against your family in order to have any sort of future together.’
‘I don’t know if I can bear it,’ Janet said.
‘You must, for there is no alternative. Talk to him.’
It was hard for Janet to think of problems when Ben was around, and though she tried to discuss the difficulties that lay ahead, Ben brushed her concerns aside. Janet had no wish to quarrel with him and kept telling herself there was plenty of time.
They couldn’t get enough of each other that holiday, and Janet’s family were once more pushed into second place. Her home was only the place to sleep away the hours till she could see Ben again. She’d dream erotic dreams and wake throbbing with excitement and longing for Ben’s arms to hold her. They were out every day, often from early morning until late at night, and made love as often as they could, and Janet glowed with excitement and happiness so that even Betty noticed. She knew what the glow meant and hoped Bert didn’t guess, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk to Janet. Instead she appealed to Breda. ‘Please talk to her, before she does something bloody stupid.’
‘Leave her,’ Breda advised. ‘She’s sensible. She’ll be all right.’
Breda prayed she was right. She hoped that the deep passion Ben and Janet had for each other would burn out, but in fact, every time they made love, Janet was filled with such intense emotions that she found it hard to breathe. What matter if he is a Jew? she told herself over and over. Love can conquer anything.
On Janet’s eighteenth birthday, Ben presented her with an engagement ring on a chain. ‘As neither set of parents has been consulted about our marriage,’ he said, ‘this must be an unofficial engagement for now, but wear it around your neck and remember that I love you.’
‘Oh, Ben, it’s beautiful.’
‘It’s only small,’ Ben said, ‘and all I could afford at the moment, but one day I’ll buy you a better ring, with a huge diamond in it.’
‘I don’t want a huge diamond,’ Janet said. ‘This is perfect.’
Ben returned to medical school a couple of days after that, and Ruth sought Janet out. She knew that her grandmother was subsidising Ben’s trip to the States and giving him a healthy allowance while he was over in America. Ben himself was pleased but puzzled, because Leah was not known to be generous, but one day she made plain to him the reason for her benevolence. ‘I’m glad to see that you have broken off that unsuitable alliance with Janet Travers,’ she said, and he realised that her dislike of Janet was as strong as ever.
Ruth, who’d overheard, was astounded when Ben said nothing in defence of Janet. She tackled him about it, but he said it was no concern of hers. She wondered how much Janet was aware of and was surprised when Janet told her that Ben had proposed. ‘You won’t be allowed to marry,’ she said.
‘We love each other.’
Ruth thought that if Ben truly loved Janet he should have tol
d their grandmother. He could have survived without her money. But she didn’t tell Janet what she’d heard, for it would have served no useful purpose.
Janet glanced across at Ruth and said, ‘Can’t you be happy for us?’
‘I’d like to, but I see problems ahead for you. It’s not just a religion, Jewishness, it’s a different way of life.’
‘I know.’
‘No shiksa can know, not really,’ Ruth said.
‘We can’t get married for years anyway,’ Janet said, ‘and by then your family and mine will be used to it.’
Ruth shook her head sadly. Janet was fooling herself, she knew. Many Jewish parents would prefer their children to die than marry out – the ultimate sin. She’d heard them say there was honour in death. She went home troubled, but Janet fingered the engagement ring nestling in the hollow between her breasts and smiled. She knew that Ruth was wrong. Love would find a way for them to marry in time.
‘Did you talk to Ben?’ Breda asked the next day.
‘No,’ Janet admitted, ‘I couldn’t seem to find the right moment.’
‘Well write to him,’ Breda suggested. ‘It’s only fair. Put your case to him and say you can talk it over in the summer. Then perhaps you can get back to studying.’
Janet flushed guiltily. Breda had a point, for Janet had elected not to work at the shop during the holidays in order to have more time to study. In fact, she’d seldom opened a book, and the decisions she’d come to under her aunt’s guidance were preying on her mind. ‘I’ll do it at once,’ she promised, and went home composing the letter in her head.
FIFTEEN
Dear Ben,
I miss you already and can hardly wait for the summer when I’ll see you again. I love you so much and I was really glad we were able to spend such a lot of time together at Easter. I wear the engagement ring all the time, though I’ve told no one about it but my Aunt Breda.
She thought she’d better not mention the conversation she’d had with his sister too.
I had to tell her. I wanted her advice because we didn’t ever finish the discussion we began at Claire and Richard’s wedding about the research post you were offered, and no decisions were ever reached. My aunt assured me, as I’d thought, that my parents would never give their consent to a marriage while I was so young. She also said they would be furious if I suggested giving up my university place, and to be fair, I don’t want to give up my plans either just yet. She believes as well that we’d meet stiff opposition from our parents and possibly our churches if they found out we were intending to marry.
In view of all this, it would seem that the most sensible option and the only alternative is for us to live apart for a while, however hard that will be for both of us. Meanwhile, I will be able to gain my BA and teaching certificate while you get established in New York. It will break my heart to have such a long separation, but as Aunt Breda said, if our relationship can survive that, it can survive anything, including parental opposition.
Please remember I love you dearly, but we must be realistic in realising that our marriage cannot happen for some years. I hope you understand my position and look forward to your reply.
All my love as always,
Janet.
Janet surveyed the letter critically. It was her third draft and she was still not happy. She knew the tone had to be firm to convince Ben that this was how it must be, and yet she had to assure him of her love and explain that she wasn’t trying to be deliberately awkward or endeavouring to punish him in any way. In the end she sent it as it was, because although she was dissatisfied, she felt it was better to open the lines of communication between them and state her opinion on the matter of their future together.
Ben read the letter almost in disbelief. He couldn’t believe that Janet had written it, and phrases swam before his eyes. He recounted it to Therese at the party Lucas had dragged him to, the day the letter arrived. ‘She hasn’t even begun university yet, though, has she?’ Therese asked.
‘No,’ Ben said, ‘then she wants to do a conversion course to teach.’
‘So we’re talking about four years!’ Therese said, shocked and surprised. She took hold of Ben’s hand and led him to the settee. ‘Tell me about it,’ she said.
Ben was flattered by Therese’s attention and had drunk enough to want to talk to someone who would sympathise with him. ‘I wouldn’t want to wait four years to marry someone I loved,’ Therese assured Ben when he’d finished.
‘What about not fulfilling your ambition?’
‘My ambition would be my husband,’ Therese said. ‘As for being offered a life in the States as well, to be frank, most girls would just jump at the chance.’
‘Would you?’
‘You bet I would,’ Therese said, pouring Ben another beer from the bottles at their feet.
‘You wouldn’t go on about missing your family?’
Therese omitted to remind Ben that her parents lived in New York. Instead she said firmly, ‘A wife’s duty is to follow her husband.’
‘We make a good team, you and me,’ Ben said, pulling Therese closer to him.
‘We sure do.’
His fuddled mind was trying to get things straight. ‘Pity really I love Janet,’ he said, ‘because if I didn’t, then you and me …’
‘She doesn’t love you,’ Therese said.
‘Oh, I’m sure she does,’ Ben said. ‘She wrote it in the letter.’
Therese kissed Ben’s lips and he felt his pulse race as she went on, ‘She’s trying to let you down gently, d’you see? No woman who truly loved a man would say she wasn’t ready for marriage and would rather go to university.’
Ben gulped his beer and thought moodily that what Therese said made sense. ‘It was shit, her letter,’ he said, ‘all shit!’
Therese poured more beer and agreed that it was.
‘And all about her, what she wants, what her aunt says and what her parents think. I mean,’ he said, ‘she’s not even sodding well asked them.’ Therese noted with satisfaction that Ben’s words were beginning to slur. ‘I could have talked them round,’ he said, ‘her parents, they liked me.’
‘But darling, she doesn’t want to marry you. She said so, didn’t she?’ Therese reminded him. ‘Not ready yet is just another way of putting it. Take it from me, a woman is always ready when she meets Mr Right.’
‘Yeah,’ Ben said, ‘she did say that.’
Therese began kissing Ben’s neck while her hands moved over his upper body, and suddenly Ben’s arms were around her and he was kissing her with passion. She felt desire flow through her and knew Ben was aroused, but she wasn’t ready yet. She drew away reluctantly, though she stayed in the circle of his arm and let her hand stroke the upper part of his leg slowly and sensuously. ‘She’s setting you free to see other people,’ she told Ben. ‘That’s how women work.’
Ben thought she was probably right. He didn’t really care at that moment. Janet was miles away and Therese was in his arms. He wanted to kiss her again, and in fact do more than kiss her. Their lovemaking before had always stopped short of full sex, and often, he had to admit, it was Therese who pulled away first. She’d even said on more than one occasion, ‘What about Janet? Think of Janet!’
But now Therese had said that Janet had released him. She wanted her freedom and had handed him his. He was free to make love to any damn woman he liked.
Another beer was in his hand. He was having trouble focusing and realised he was very drunk. Drunker in fact than he’d ever been in his life. He was sitting caressing a beautiful, desirable woman, and if he wasn’t much mistaken, he was in for a good night with her.
Therese stopped nuzzling his ear to speak again. ‘Also, darling, Janet has a point in one way, for after all, she’s not Jewish. What does any goy really know of us? Is she really worth you being cast out by your family? And would she be happy if she was disowned by her own if she’s as devoted to them as you say?’
‘No,’ Ben heard himself
say. ‘It would never have worked.’ He didn’t want to talk about Janet any more and was ready to agree with anything Therese said. He was breathing heavily as his hands slid under her blouse and made their way to the hooks of her brassiere. But a fumble in a dark corner of a crowded party was not what Therese had in mind.
‘Stop it,’ she said, pushing his hands down.
‘Come on,’ Ben said urgently, ‘you’ve let me before.’
‘There’s always been Janet before,’ Therese said. ‘Anyway, I don’t do things like that in public.’
‘Then where?’
‘Perhaps nowhere,’ Therese said sharply. ‘I was comforting you, not offering to sleep with you.’
‘God, Therese, you must know what you’re doing to me,’ Ben said huskily. Janet had never refused him anything. This last holiday he imagined he could have stripped her naked and taken her on the living room floor with her family watching had he wanted. She’d been so anxious to please him, and though she was apparently not ready for marriage, she’d been ripe for sex all right. He felt a stab of regret for what might have been between them, but there were, after all, plenty of other women, and if Janet felt like she did, well, that was that.
Therese guessed some of his thoughts. She knew he’d slept regularly with Janet. Really, she thought, the girl had made herself a virtual doormat, and a doormat, after all, was just there to be walked over. Therese, on the other hand, had slept with many men, for she had a high sex drive and was used to getting her own way. But her encounters had always been on her terms and she’d never lost her heart to anyone. With Ben it was different because she was attracted to him too. Eventually she would allow him to have what he wanted, but first he had to be brought to the point of no return, and she also had to make him believe it was his decision.
She kissed him long and lingeringly, and Ben clasped her tighter as he felt her tongue in his mouth. But then it was over and she leapt swiftly to her feet. ‘Wait,’ Ben cried.