A Little Learning

by Anne Bennett

  ‘Why didn’t you let us know you were coming?’ Phillip said as Ruth hugged her brother.

  ‘I wasn’t sure I was,’ Ben said, ‘but when Ruth phoned last night all excited about the television interview, I thought I’d try and get back today if I’d finished everything, but I didn’t want to say in case I didn’t make it.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad you’re here,’ Ruth said. ‘We can easily make the meal stretch for four.’

  She glanced surreptitiously at Janet as she spoke and saw she was looking almost angry at Ben’s appearance. She really does dislike him still, she thought, and was sorry that they couldn’t put the whole awful business that had happened years ago behind them now. After all, Ben had a successful career in the States, even if his marriage wasn’t all it should be, and Janet had made a very fulfilling life for herself and was getting married in a few months’ time. And yet she still felt animosity for her brother.

  Janet hadn’t greeted Ben, not even when he spoke to her, and in the uncomfortable silence Ruth gave him a casserole dish and told him to take it out to the table, while she went out with another. Janet stayed in the kitchen feeling cold inside with dread, and she gripped the sink to try to compose herself.

  ‘Janet, what’s keeping you?’ Ruth called through.

  ‘I’m … I’m just getting a drink of water,’ Janet said. She splashed her face to cool it down before going into the dining room, where she avoided Ben’s gaze and took her place with her eyes downcast.

  She had no need to say much. Ruth regaled everyone with details of the television interview and all Janet was required to do was verify what Ruth said. She was grateful that Ruth was, for once, so garrulous, for the meal was an embarrassing one for her. Though she seldom raised her eyes from her plate and studiously avoided Ben’s gaze, she was only too well aware that he was watching her with such intensity she could almost feel his eyes boring into her.

  Ruth decided that going to the cinema would be a nice end to the night, but Janet just wanted to go home and sort out her differences with Simon. Another phone call, though, proved as fruitless as the earlier ones, and as she heard the phone ringing out unanswered, she felt suddenly afraid. Simon surely wanted to settle the quarrel they had had and yet he’d not returned to the flat all day. After all, she’d been ringing since dinnertime. A little voice in her head said: Then why should I go back? Simon was obviously not bothered, and it was, she thought, a dismal prospect, waiting hour upon hour for him to make an appearance. She’d already had a week of that.

  He’s trying to teach me a lesson, Janet thought, furious at his lack of consideration, for both her feelings and the future of their relationship. ‘To hell with you, Simon Webster,’ she muttered, and slammed the receiver down savagely.

  She was attempting to get her feelings under control so Ruth wouldn’t see how upset she was when she heard a movement behind her. Turning quickly, she saw Ben standing in the front room doorway.

  Knowing that he must have seen her actions caused her famous blush to flood her face, and Ben recognised it and smiled as he said: ‘Temper, temper, Janet.’

  Blazing with anger, Janet advanced on him. ‘Make sure you’re not on the end of it then,’ she spat out, ‘because you deserve to be, snooping around, spying on people. And anyway, what I do now is of no concern of yours, so get out of my bloody way.’

  She pushed past him and into the kitchen, where she told Ruth that Simon was staying with his parents overnight. She assured Ruth that this was not unusual and added, almost defiantly, that as she’d be at a loose end, she’d love to go to the cinema with them. She caught Ben’s eyes on her speculatively, and deliberately kept her head lowered. She knew that Ben was aware she was lying, and equally she knew he would say nothing in front of Ruth and Phillip.

  Eventually they decided to go into the city centre, to the Gaument, where Gigi was being shown, and despite Janet’s concerns she found she enjoyed the film. It was as they piled into Ben’s car to go home that she realised how tired she was. Ben had behaved impeccably all evening, Janet had to admit, and she’d begun to feel more comfortable in his company. He’d realised at last, she told herself, that she really did love Simon and that the incident in the flat had been brought about by the emotion and nostalgic memories he’d stirred up in her heart.

  So she leant back on the back seat of the car, quite relaxed, and listened to the others discussing the finer points of the film. She was almost asleep, lulled by the mumble of voices around her and the movement of the car, when she was suddenly jerked into wakefulness by the realisation that they were talking about Ben dropping Ruth and Phillip home first and then running Janet back to the flat.

  ‘Oh, but …’ Janet began, but Phillip broke in.

  ‘I’d be grateful if you could, Ben. I’m shattered, to tell the truth. I’ve been working all hours just lately and I must go in again tomorrow, Sunday or no Sunday.’

  How could Janet object after that? What was she afraid of anyway? Did she think Ben would leap on her and ravish her?

  Ruth watched her friend anxiously and wondered if she should offer to go with them, but then Janet might be annoyed if she inferred that Ruth didn’t trust the two of them together. You never knew with Janet.

  Then there was Phillip, working so hard lately she seldom saw him. Since Ben had been staying with them – he couldn’t stand the stifled atmosphere of his old home – they’d had little time alone. If only she knew how Janet felt. Ben had behaved so courteously all evening and she was certain that however he’d felt in his youth, now Janet was no more to him than a friend.

  ‘D’you mind, Jan?’ she asked quietly. ‘I’ll come with you if you like?’ Janet looked at her friend and knew she didn’t really want to come, and neither did Phillip want her to – she’d seen the disappointment flit across his face at Ruth’s words and knew she couldn’t ask for Ruth’s protection. Surely to God she could deal with Ben Hayman if he should get out of hand? But then she remembered, he didn’t have to take her anywhere, she wasn’t totally bloody helpless.

  ‘I wouldn’t mind at all,’ she said untruthfully. ‘But really, there’s no need for all this. If Ben could drop me at the station, I could easily take a train.’

  ‘I wouldn’t dream of letting a friend of ours go home alone in the dark when I have the use of a car,’ Ben said, ‘and it really is no trouble.’

  ‘Oh, but …’

  ‘No, really,’ Phillip said, ‘I wouldn’t rest easy. You hear of horrible things happening to young women alone these days. I really would feel easier if you let Ben drive you home.’

  What could Janet say after that? she thought. Should she tell these two concerned friends looking at her that she was still attracted to Ben Hayman, and her lover had fled from her the previous week when he’d caught them together in a passionate embrace? No, of course she couldn’t. It was unthinkable. She gave a sigh and knew the die was cast.

  And it would have been silly to sit alone in the back seat once the others had got out, Ruth and Phillip said. Janet would have felt happier to have stayed where she was, and Ben, she noticed, took no part in the urgings of his sister and brother-in-law. However, without appearing unreasonably churlish, she could hardly continue to protest, and she climbed unwillingly into the front seat. For a while they drove in silence, and Janet was glad of it, even though it eventually became uncomfortable. She sat stiffly beside Ben and watched the car eat up the miles back to her Leicester flat. Thoughts of the flat brought Simon to mind, and what had happened to prevent him returning that day as arranged to sort out their problems. She sighed softly, but Ben heard and smiled to himself. Unless he was very much mistaken, all was not rosy in Janet’s life. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and remarked, ‘Quite like old times.’

  ‘Stop that!’

  ‘I’m only saying …’

  ‘Well, don’t say,’ Janet snapped. ‘I’m not interested in anything you have to say, and I might as well tell you that I wouldn’
t be here at all if I hadn’t understood you to be in Bristol.’

  ‘So you’re frightened to be with me?’ Ben said, almost triumphantly.

  ‘Not at all,’ Janet retorted. ‘God, you think a lot of yourself.’

  Ben smiled. ‘You’re not over-fond of your fiancé either, I’d say, judging from your performance in the hall when you tried phoning him.’

  ‘Which you shouldn’t have been bloody well listening to.’

  ‘I wasn’t,’ Ben protested. ‘I didn’t know you were there. I was just coming through the hall when I saw you hurling the phone down as if it had bitten you.’

  ‘Yeah, well, you still didn’t have to say what you did.’

  ‘You didn’t have to tell my sister lies either,’ Ben said ‘What was it all about?’

  ‘It’s none of your bloody business,’ Janet cried.

  ‘Okay, I’ll have to guess.’

  ‘Go to hell!’

  ‘I was only saying …’ Ben said again.

  ‘Oh, stop this,’ Janet said. She was suddenly wearied by it all and knew that Ben would have to be told a semblance of the truth or he’d just keep on. ‘Okay,’ she said, and sighed. ‘We did have a row, and Simon walked out, but we’ll get over it. People have rows and get over them all the time,’ and she prayed that what she said was true. ‘It’s no big deal,’ she went on, ‘but I didn’t want to tell Ruth and put a damper on the evening. Now are you satisfied?’

  ‘Must have been some row.’

  ‘Will you shut up?’ Janet cried, totally exasperated. Suddenly she felt tears in her eyes and realised that but for the man beside her, she and Simon would be together now happily planning their wedding day. Why should Ben get away scot-free, she thought, and she cried out, ‘Yes, it was some row. It happened because my fiancé saw me kissing someone else, and strangely enough he was upset and objected to it.’

  ‘You … you mean he’s not been back since that night?’

  Janet shook her head.

  ‘But it was a week ago.’

  ‘Congratulations,’ Janet said sarcastically. ‘Go to the top of the class.’

  ‘And all that stuff about him forgiving you …’

  ‘Was lies. He was due to come to the flat today to talk, but …’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve been ringing since dinnertime and he hasn’t turned up.’ She turned anguished eyes on Ben and said, ‘Why the hell did you come? Why couldn’t you leave me alone?’ and then tears overcame her.

  ‘You’re not crying?’ Ben said. ‘For God’s sake, don’t cry,’ and he swung the car off the main road into a side street a short distance from the flat and stopped.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I can’t concentrate on driving with you crying beside me,’ Ben said. ‘God, Janet, you really have no idea what you do to me.’

  Janet scrubbed at her eyes. ‘I’m okay now,’ she said. ‘I’m just tired. Really, I’m fine.’

  Ben knew she was far from fine. ‘So he’s been away all week?’ he asked.

  ‘I’ve already told you that,’ Janet said impatiently.

  ‘And you’ve no idea where he is?’

  ‘I think he’s staying with his old flatmate, but I’ve no idea of his address and neither have his parents. I’d just decided to ring him at work on Monday when he phoned and suggested we meet up today. Then I had the call from Mark Taplow and I had no way of letting him know I wouldn’t be at the flat.’

  ‘So you left him a note?’

  ‘I couldn’t. I overslept and didn’t have time. I rang lots of times, though.’ Suddenly a thought struck her. ‘What if something happened to prevent him coming today?’ she said. ‘He’d phone the flat and when I didn’t answer he’d think I wasn’t interested. Oh, what a bloody fool I am!’ And Janet began fumbling with the door catch.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Ben cried.

  ‘Getting out. I’ve sat here too long with you already and the flat is only round the corner. I should have gone back there today. Simon might have been trying to contact me.’

  ‘There’s no rush now, though, is there?’ Ben pointed out. ‘After all, he’ll hardly contact you again tonight, even if your theory is right.’

  ‘He might,’ Janet retorted. ‘Anyway, I don’t care. I’m going home.’

  ‘I’ll drive you.’

  ‘No thanks, I’ll walk.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’

  Janet strode off down the street. Within seconds Ben was beside her and draped an arm comfortably about her shoulder. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ he asked.

  ‘That’s my business,’ Janet snapped. Ben’s nearness was affecting her in a very disturbing way and she tried moving out of the circle of his arm, but he only pulled her tighter. She daren’t risk a tussle that Ben could easily turn to his advantage, and she just wished her insides didn’t feel like jelly and her heart wasn’t thumping.

  They reached the doorway of the flats and Janet glanced up at the darkened window. ‘He could be ringing this minute,’ she said, ‘or even home by now. I haven’t phoned for a while, not since before I went out to the pictures. He could be back home and in bed for all I know.’ But in her heart of hearts she knew he wouldn’t be.

  ‘I’ll come up with you.’

  ‘You will not.’

  ‘What are you afraid of?’

  ‘Why should you assume I’m afraid of something,’ Janet snapped, ‘just because I don’t want you upstairs?’

  ‘You’re not fooling me, Jan, I can feel you trembling.’

  Janet knew Ben was right, but she said harshly, to try and disguise her true feelings, ‘Don’t be so bloody stupid!’

  Ben wasn’t deceived. He was aware that despite her concern over Simon and his uncharacteristic behaviour, she was affected by his presence, and by God, he was by hers. He sensed her emotional turmoil and knew she was in need of comfort, for she’d only made a token protest of pulling away from him. He wasn’t going to let a chance like this slip through his fingers. ‘Janet,’ he said softly, and there was no longer anything in his face and voice but gentleness and longing and Janet felt her heart give a lurch.

  She knew he was going to kiss her, and though she took a step backwards, she wanted him to. When his arms came around her, she melted into them. Nothing mattered for the moment but the throbbing excitement racing through her body. She had no thought for Simon, or even Ben’s wife and child. She wanted to stay clasped to him forever, and yet she pulled away. ‘No, this is wrong.’

  ‘How can it be wrong when we both want it?’ Ben demanded.

  ‘We can’t just have what we want,’ Janet said. ‘We’ll hurt too many people. We can’t.’

  ‘Don’t pretend you don’t want me. I won’t believe it.’

  ‘Ben, there’s different kinds of love.’

  ‘Bullshit. There’s the kind I feel for you, and you feel it too.’

  And she did, God help her.

  ‘If you can look into my eyes and tell me I mean nothing to you, then I’ll leave,’ he said. ‘But I won’t believe it unless you say it to my face.’

  And Janet couldn’t. She covered her face with her hands to hide her expression. She must break away from this man who had such a pull on her life, but she seemed to have lost control over her legs. She tried again, mumbling through her fingers, ‘Leave me alone, Ben, please, I … I love Simon.’

  ‘Don’t make me laugh,’ Ben said harshly. ‘Some love! So you’ll ruin your life to avoid hurting people.’

  ‘I won’t ruin my life. I love Simon, I told you, and …’

  ‘Oh yes, I forgot, you didn’t mean to kiss me at all,’ Ben said sarcastically.

  ‘Damn you, Ben Hayman!’ Janet cried. ‘Now I know what it is about you I find unnerving. I don’t like you very much.’

  ‘I don’t want you to bloody well like me,’ Ben said. He seized Janet and felt her initial resistance crumble, as he’d known it would. In the short, passionate relationship of their youth she’d been able to refuse him n
othing, and Ben knew that deep down she hadn’t changed.

  He pulled her into the cover of the doorway. For a moment they were silhouetted in the lighted hall, and as Ben’s hands moved beneath Janet’s clothes she moaned in an agony of desire. The door closed and they were in the relative privacy of the hallway, then Ben pulled her into the dimmer lighting of the stairwell. His probing tongue sent shafts of desire through Janet’s body so intense she felt she could hardly bear it, and her nipples stood out in peaks. She pressed against Ben, feeling his hardness, and suddenly, through it all, she asked herself what the hell she was playing at. She struggled from Ben’s arms. ‘Don’t! Stop it!’

  ‘Don’t go bloody coy on me now,’ Ben said angrily, though his voice was husky. ‘I know you too well.’

  ‘I wonder if you do,’ Janet said. ‘I’m not just being coy. We really can’t do this, Ben.’

  ‘Course we bloody can.’ Ben’s hands reached out again, but Janet evaded them. If he touched her again she’d be lost, she knew. She’d not be able to resist him a second time. She had to keep away. ‘I can’t do this, Ben, I’m sorry,’ she said. And quickly, while her resolve held and before he had time to coax her back to him, she ran up the stairs. Once inside the flat, she locked and bolted the door behind her and leant against it, panting heavily.

  The place was empty and uninviting. Staggering a little, for the encounter with Ben had taken it out of her, Janet made her way to the kitchen. If she heard the car speeding away she paid it no heed. She made herself a coffee and prayed that Ben wouldn’t follow her up the stairs, for if he was to knock on the door, this minute … well, she’d never be sure.

  Once she was fairly certain he’d gone, she ran a bath, scrubbing viciously at her skin, anxious to rub away the dirty feeling she had about herself and her behaviour. She hadn’t had sex with Ben Hayman, she thought as she dried herself, but she felt as bad as if she had, and God only knew she’d wanted to. She cried for herself and Simon and Ben and the bloody mess she was in, and eventually she slept, curled in the chair, covered only with a bathrobe.