A Little Learning

by Anne Bennett

  ‘H … hello.’

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine.’

  Simon looked around the room. He forced himself to ask, ‘Is … is Ben with you?’

  ‘Come on,’ urged the girl on Simon’s arm, Janet hadn’t noticed her follow Simon off the dance floor. ‘Come and dance. This is my favourite.’

  Simon was tugged along, back to the floor, and was soon out of Janet’s line of vision. He hasn’t lost much time, she told herself angrily, and then was cross with herself for the thought. He’s a free agent and can go out with whom he likes, she lectured herself. It was you carrying on with Ben that caused Simon to lose respect, love and any other damn emotion he ever had for you. No good yelping about it now.

  But however much she told herself this, she couldn’t spend the rest of the night watching some other girl cuddling up to the man she loved. Flesh and blood, she decided, could only stand so much. She gathered up her handbag, desperate now to be gone, but remembered to catch hold of one of the women in the hen party circle and tell her she had a headache and was going home, before collecting her coat and hurrying into the darkened streets.

  She was outside, carried on the impetus of wishing to be as far away from Simon and the girl as possible, before she realised how stupid she’d been. Why hadn’t she stopped at the foyer and asked them to order her a taxi? Bloody fool! She was angry with herself for her stupidity. She had no idea of how to get home. She stopped. She couldn’t just wander around the streets hoping to find her way. She’d have to go back into the club. She was about to turn when she felt the hand on her shoulder. She jumped and would have screamed, but the voice stopped her.

  ‘Janet, don’t be frightened. It’s me.’

  ‘Simon, what are you doing? I nearly had a heart attack.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Simon said, though he didn’t sound sorry, ‘but what are you doing out here on your own?’

  ‘Going home.’

  ‘But where … what …’

  ‘I came with a hen party.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Simon said. ‘But why go home now? The night’s young.’

  ‘I’m tired and I have a headache starting,’ Janet said shortly. ‘Go back to your date, Simon, I don’t know why you came after me.’

  Simon didn’t either. He wasn’t angry with Janet any more. He was becoming resigned to his loss, but he just knew when he caught a glimpse of her gathering her belongings and dashing out that he had to follow her. He’d left the girl he’d been with on the dance floor with the briefest of apologies. And Janet didn’t seem to care whether he was there or not.

  ‘You can’t hang about here on your own,’ he said. ‘It’s not safe. Is Ben picking you up?’

  ‘Hardly,’ Janet commented dryly. ‘It’s a long way to come from America.’ She turned angrily. ‘I told you all this in the letter, so I don’t know why you keep going on about him.’

  ‘What letter?’ Simon asked.

  Janet was in no mood for sarcasm. ‘Stop it,’ she said wearily, ‘and go back to your date before she comes out looking for you.’

  She turned away from him and he swung her back angrily. ‘Forget my date, for God’s sake, and tell me about this letter.’

  ‘The one I sent to you at the office explaining everything,’ Janet said. She looked at him and said sarcastically, ‘And now I suppose you’re going to say you didn’t receive it.’

  ‘Well no, I didn’t,’ Simon said shortly.

  ‘You didn’t?’ Janet’s voice was just above a whisper. ‘Then … then what happened to it?’

  Simon shrugged. ‘God knows,’ he said. He didn’t much care. He supposed it was heartening to know that Janet had made the effort to contact him, but there was still Ben Hayman standing between them.

  ‘But … but when I didn’t receive a reply, I thought you didn’t care,’ Janet said.

  ‘God, Janet,’ Simon snapped angrily, ‘what I saw you doing with Ben proved to me that you didn’t.’

  ‘I do care for you,’ Janet protested.

  ‘You’ve a funny way of showing it.’

  ‘I explained it all in the letter.’

  ‘Oh, of course, the non-existent one.’

  ‘Please, Simon, let me try and explain.’

  ‘Oh, do,’ Simon said sarcastically. ‘I’d like to know why you can let Ben Hayman nearly undress you in a doorway after making a bloody fool of me, and then say it’s me you care for, not him. Don’t make me laugh.’

  ‘Why did you come running after me?’ Janet demanded angrily. ‘I didn’t ask you to. Was it just to scream and yell at me, or what?’

  Simon passed his hand over his eyes and admitted, ‘I don’t bloody know. I didn’t mean to. I told myself that what you did was your business, but … I found myself out here.’

  Janet’s heart leapt. She knew that meant Simon cared, and she took his hand. ‘Just give me one chance to explain,’ she pleaded, ‘and I’ll tell you what I wrote in the letter – well, as much as I can remember.’

  Simon shrugged. ‘If you like.’

  They walked as Janet talked, and she told Simon everything from the beginning. He stopped her when she got to the bit about the television studio, and Janet explained the mix-up. Simon realised it was partly his fault for not giving Janet a number to contact him at, and for leaving the flat as soon as he did, but he said none of this to Janet, complimenting her instead on the content of the programme.

  Later in the story he said, ‘I don’t understand why you went to Ruth’s.’

  ‘Neither do I now,’ said Janet, ‘but I’d just spent a bloody awful week waiting for you to come back or phone or something, and when I thought you hadn’t bothered going to the flat at all, I just couldn’t face spending another afternoon and evening on my own. And Ben was supposed to be in Bristol, but he came back earlier than expected, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone.’

  ‘Janet, is this the truth?’

  ‘I swear it, Simon.’

  ‘You weren’t seeing him, sleeping with him, the week before?’

  ‘No!’ Janet cried. ‘I’ve not had sex with Ben Hayman since I was eighteen years old.’

  ‘But you wanted to,’ Simon said, and at Janet’s impatient movement, he added firmly, ‘Let’s be totally honest here, Janet. You did want to. I saw it in your eyes that first night in the flat. And the night of the TV recording I could almost feel the desire you both felt for one another from across the street. Now unless you admit to these things and we face them, we haven’t a chance.’

  Janet took a deep breath. ‘Okay. Yes, I did want Ben Hayman to make love to me, but I didn’t give in to it.’

  Simon gave a humourless chuckle. ‘Oh, that makes me feel better, I don’t think.’ He stopped suddenly and swung Janet round to face him. ‘You desired, wanted someone else,’ he yelled. ‘Have you any idea how that makes me feel? How it hurts?’

  Janet heard the break in his voice and said quietly, ‘I’m sorry, Simon. I know that’s inadequate for what I’ve done to both of us. I’ve destroyed something special. I love you, and I think you love me, but you’re finding this too hard to take. I understand that.’ She began to walk away.

  Simon hesitated a minute and then ran after her. ‘You can’t walk the streets all night,’ he said angrily. ‘D’you know where the hell you are?’

  Janet shrugged. She didn’t care; she’d tried and failed.

  ‘I’ll get you a taxi at least,’ he said. ‘There’s a station round here somewhere and we’re bound to pick one up there.’

  Janet said nothing. If she’d opened her mouth, she’d have bawled her eyes out. She felt as if she was dying inside.

  To Janet’s surprise, Simon got into the taxi with her. He’d been wrestling with himself for the last few minutes of silence and eventually he said, ‘I … I need to know I can trust you, Janet, and I … We need to talk.’ He held up his hand as she went to interrupt. ‘Not now, we’ve said enough tonight and I need to get my head around it. I’ll come over to
the flat tomorrow.’ He glanced at Janet, and even in the dimness of the taxi was aware of the tears shimmering in her eyes. ‘I presume you’ve not made alternative arrangements with the BBC or anything?’

  ‘Oh, Simon.’ Janet tried to laugh, but the threatening tears won and the arm he’d promised he would keep by his side went around Janet almost of its own accord. It felt so right and good, but Simon told himself to be careful. The taxi drew to a halt by the door of the flats and Janet said, ‘Will you come up?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?’ Simon said and kissed her on the cheek. She wanted to throw her arms around his neck and say that she’d do anything if only he’d come back, but she knew it would be futile, so she climbed from the taxi and watched it roar into the night, and the tears ran unchecked down her face.

  TWENTY-SIX

  In the cold light of day, both Janet and Simon were shocked by the other’s appearance. Janet, Simon thought, looked ill, with lines of strain on her brow, pulling at her mouth and around her bloodshot eyes, which had smudges of blue beneath them. She had had little sleep and been very sick that morning, which was crazy, for she’d hardly eaten properly for two days, but she put it down to nerves on seeing Simon again. Simon himself looked dreadful. His face was puffy and blotched, with black pouches under his slightly bloodshot eyes, and Janet was shocked by his almost dishevelled appearance.

  ‘Coffee?’ she said as he followed her through to the kitchen.

  ‘If you’ve nothing stronger.’

  ‘I have, but …’

  ‘No, coffee’s fine,’ Simon said. ‘Ignore me.’

  ‘You are all right, aren’t you?’ Janet asked.

  ‘I could ask you the same thing,’ Simon said. ‘You used not to be so thin.’

  ‘It’s fashionable,’ Janet said, with an attempt at a smile.

  ‘It’s bloody unhealthy.’

  ‘Have you seen yourself …’ Janet began, and stopped. ‘Are we going to talk about our appearance all day?’

  ‘I hope not,’ Simon said, accepting the coffee Janet handed him. He’d already had one argument that morning: Kenny had said he couldn’t believe Simon could be so stupid as to go and see Janet. Looking at her now, Simon didn’t know how he could be either. ‘She left you high and dry that night – made a right bloody fool of you then one click of her fingers and you go running.’ Kenny’s words echoed in his brain, and he said, almost desperately, ‘What was it between you and Ben? I have to know.’

  ‘I can’t say I know absolutely certainly,’ Janet said, ‘because it was as if a madness had taken me over. Love for you made me resist him, but as to what tempted me in the first place …’ Janet shook her head. ‘Look,’ she said, ‘afterwards I tried to analyse it a bit, because I couldn’t handle it myself. He’s a very handsome, charming man, Ben, but then the world’s got a fair few of those and I don’t fall head over heels for all of them. I think, I really think it’s partly because he was my first love.’

  ‘Oh, come on …’

  ‘No, please, Simon, let me finish. I didn’t love Ben; I was besotted by him. Whatever he wanted, I did, whatever plans he had, I fell in with. I thought of his pleasure before my own, gave in every time.’

  ‘Totally opposite to the way you treated me,’ Simon snapped with a touch of jealousy.

  ‘Yes, that’s it, don’t you see?’ Janet said. ‘I was punishing you and all men for the way Ben had run out on me. The only thing I ever opposed him over was marrying him and moving to the States, and Aunt Breda said that even if I’d agreed, my parents wouldn’t have done, not with me being under age and Ben a Jew.’

  ‘Get on with it,’ Simon said impatiently. ‘I’ve heard all this before.’

  ‘Yes, but don’t you see, that’s the key to it all,’ Janet cried. ‘When Ben kissed me, I was back there, eighteen years old and anxious to please, but this time you were in the background and it was thoughts of you that kept me from going further than I would have done if I’d had nothing in my head but wanting to please Ben. Then I’d have probably gone for it.’

  ‘You must see that this doesn’t help at all,’ Simon said. Kenny’s words rang in his ears: ‘What will happen when he’s in England again? Will Janet go running from your bed to his?’

  Simon didn’t know if he could face that pain again. ‘I mean,’ he said, ‘you’re friends with Ruth, so what happens next time her brother comes to stay or something?’

  ‘Simon, it’s over.’

  ‘So you say.’

  ‘No, it is,’ Janet insisted. ‘Listen, my love for Ben was just based on sex.’ Simon would have interrupted then, but Janet forestalled him. ‘Not like our love for each other is, or was,’ she said. ‘Ben’s idea of love was self-gratification first and last, nothing about me and what I wanted.’

  Simon thought of his nightly exploits with any woman who would satisfy him, and felt ashamed.

  ‘The point is, when I was eighteen and knew no better, that was fine. But now I know what it is to really love someone who loves me in return. I’ve grown out of Ben Hayman. I’ve matured, he hasn’t …’

  Janet leaned forward and kissed Simon ardently. ‘You have taught me the meaning of true love, not Ben Hayman. He came to the flat once more and offered to take me to the States to live with him there as his lover. It was laughable. You’d think it was something worth having, the way he put it. Even if I’d cared for the man I’d have hesitated, but as I don’t, I lost no time in telling him to sling his hook.’

  Oh, how Simon wanted it to be true. But it was easy for her to say all these things when Ben was safe on another continent. ‘I want to believe you, Janet,’ he cried.

  ‘But?’

  ‘But I’m frightened,’ Simon admitted.

  ‘Oh, I understand that,’ Janet said, ‘really I do.’

  ‘It will take time for me to trust you totally again,’ he said, ‘and I think, until then, we should keep our relationship very casual and see how we feel in say six months or so.’

  ‘Okay,’ Janet said, ready to agree to anything that allowed her a stake in Simon’s life, another chance at happiness.

  ‘And I think it would be better if we kept this to ourselves for now,’ he added.

  Janet agreed, but knew it would be difficult to keep it quiet. She felt she more or less owed it to Lou and Shirley to tell them that the letter they had suggested she write to Simon had somehow gone astray. She also knew she couldn’t keep the news from her family if she was to meet them face to face, for her happiness, even at the crumbs Simon was willing to throw her, would be apparent to all. She phoned them the next day and explained that as it was the hectic last week of the summer term, she wouldn’t be over until the holidays began. By then, she reasoned, she’d have been out a few times with Simon and would perhaps know if things were going to work between them – and oh God, how she prayed they would. Still, at least they’d make contact and when she went to school on Monday morning, she couldn’t help feeling more confident than she had done in weeks.

  The talk in the staff room was about the hen night on Friday that Amy claimed she didn’t get over till Sunday. ‘Good job you didn’t have it this coming Friday then,’ someone said. ‘You’d have been a wreck at your wedding.’

  ‘Yes, what would your poor old hubby do then?’ said another of the teachers. ‘Waiting with bated breath for his wedding night and his wife too hung-over to perform.’

  ‘Well, he’ll have to wait another week anyway,’ Amy said. ‘I’m due to begin my period on Friday.’

  ‘Oh, Amy, no.’

  ‘Well,’ said Amy defensively, ‘it’s not the sort of thing you work out months earlier when you’re booking the wedding, is it? Mom said I should talk to the doctor, but I mean, what can he do?’

  And Janet suddenly realised with horror that she herself hadn’t had a period for a long, long time. She went very cold and still and the staff ceased to exist for her as she remembered back. She was very regular usually, but the week
that she and Ruth had had the television interview she was already over a week late, and with all the upset with Simon and Ben, she’d not thought of it again. Had she been aware of the changes in her body rather than her battered emotions she would have tumbled to it sooner, for the signs were there to see. As well as the nausea and sickness, she’d been going to the toilet a lot, and had been very tired of late, and then her bra had become uncomfortably tight.

  Unconsciously, her hand went to her stomach, while at the same time she was suddenly aware that the room had gone very quiet. She realised that someone had asked her a question she had not heard, and now all the staff had their eyes fastened on her, awaiting her reply. ‘Pardon?’ she said.

  ‘I asked if you were all right now,’ Amy said. ‘Someone told me you’d left the hen party early with a headache.’

  ‘Oh, yes, no … I mean, I’m fine,’ Janet said. ‘It was just the music and the lights.’

  The other teachers nodded sympathetically. Janet knew they weren’t surprised that the hen party had upset her.

  ‘You still don’t look very well, if you don’t mind me saying,’ a colleague commented. ‘You’ve gone very pale all of a sudden.’

  ‘Er, a bit of an upset tummy, that’s all,’ Janet said, getting to her feet and escaping to the classroom, leaving behind her fellow teachers exchanging knowing looks and understanding nods. Without saying a word, they knew what had upset Miss Janet Travers, and it wasn’t her tummy.

  Janet was glad to get home that night. All afternoon the problem had been pressing on her mind and she was pleased she hadn’t agreed to meet Simon that evening for she needed to get her head around this on her own. She thanked God she’d not slept with Ben, though she must have been pregnant then anyway, because thinking back, she realised that the day she and Simon had had the row – ironically about when to start a family – her period was already two days overdue. In fact, Janet realised, she hadn’t had a period since the beginning of May, and it was now the middle of July, so she must be two and a half months pregnant.