Dedication
For my troop: Maria, Griffin & Emerson
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
A Note About This Story
Hall of Explorers
One: Broken Record
Two: The Messenger
Three: The Eyes Have It
Four: Open Wide
Five: Slippery Slope
Six: Grave Situation
Seven: So Many Stomachs, So Little Time
Eight: Beep Boop
Nine: Check Out the Big Brain
Ten: A Voice from Above
Eleven: A Hero Is Scorned
Twelve: Sergeant-at-Nothing
Thirteen: A Hero’s Reception
Fourteen: History in the Making
Hall of Alien Stomachs
Acknowledgments
About the Author and Illustrator
Back Ad
Copyright
About the Publisher
A Note About This Story
The tale you are about to read takes place approximately 36.54372 million miles away from Earth, as the crow flies. It has been collected and woven together via various interview transcripts, recordings, and interstellar laser screams sent to Earth from the Famous Marlowe 280 Interplanetary Exploratory Space Station over the past decade.
“Laser scream” may be a new term for you, as it is still not well understood on Earth, but we don’t have time to get into it here.
The astronauts who boarded the Marlowe were charged with one mission: to discover a planet where humans could one day live. Captain Isabel Caspian sends out teams of explorers. Finn and his friends are all remarkable, but Finn will always have a special place in the history books.
Because Finn was the first kid born in space.
So in many ways, Finn was born for exactly the type of situation in which we find him here in this book. But it will be up to you to decide if that makes him lucky or not.
Hall of Explorers
Chapter One
Broken Record
“Okay, guys, I got this,” said Vale.
He lifted one arm and pointed a finger at the green sun. Vale Gil was the sergeant-at-arms of Explorers Troop 301. He was responsible for all battle and combat training. (But mostly, he just looked fancy as he fell down.)
He and his friends in the troop traveled all around the universe aboard the Famous Marlowe 280 Interplanetary Exploratory Space Station. Troop 301 had explored many planets.
This had been the most boring one yet.
“Just come on already,” said Abigail Obaro. She was only a month older than Vale, but she was captain of Troop 301. “I want to finish up and go home.”
“Perfection takes time,” said Vale. He held a rock in his other hand like a quarterback.
“Vale, I thought you said you wanted to take the lead on this planet,” said Finn. “You said you were tired of being a little fiddle?”
“Second fiddle!” said Vale. “You know the saying is ‘second fiddle.’”
Finn laughed. It was easy to get Vale going.
The troop’s job was to find a planet where humans could one day live. And that’s what Abigail and Vale had come to do. That’s also what Elias Carreras, the troop’s chief technologist, was doing (when he wasn’t doodling in his notebook). And that’s what Finn Caspian, Troop 301’s chief detective, was doing. He and his robot, Foggy, had been taking notes as they walked the strange brown planet.
“This is the one,” said Vale.
“Oh, I believe you, Vale!” said Foggy.
Vale didn’t really bother to pretend to help. He was most interested in breaking his record. He figured on this low-gravity planet, if he threw a rock as hard as he could, it would go higher than any rock in the history of rock throwing.
“This one is going to set an intergalactic record,” said Vale.
He reared back and heaved the stone as high as he could. For a second, it looked like a speck of dust in the green sun’s light. When it came crashing back down, Vale jumped in triumph.
“That was a hundred feet in the air, easily,” said Vale.
“No way,” said Elias. “Maybe twenty.”
“You mean a hundred and twenty,” said Vale. He turned to Foggy.
“You know I’m right, my robot friend,” he said. “That’s a new record, right? Mark it for the history books.”
Foggy ran a quick calculation.
“Actually, Vale, I measured it and—”
“And it was a record?” asked Vale. “The highest ever?”
“Actually, Elias was—”
“Wrong all along?” asked Vale.
“No,” said Foggy. “Please stop interrupting. I was going to say that the rock—”
“Soared like an eagle strapped to a rocket that was late for dinner?” asked Vale.
Foggy looked like he was going to overheat.
“Foggy,” said Finn, “he doesn’t want you to tell him how high it was. Please just say he’s right so we can all move on.”
Foggy shook his head.
“But he isn’t—”
“Just an incredible rock thrower?” asked Vale. “You’re right, Foggy. I’m also a great dancer.”
Foggy put his head in his hands. He looked like he might cry.
“You’re definitely good at talking too much,” said Elias. “Now shhh for one second. Do you guys hear that?”
Everyone stopped talking and strained to listen. They had arrived at a patch of long, reedy grass as tall as they were. A soft hiss came from between the blades.
Psssstt.
Someone—or something—was trying to get their attention.
Chapter Two
The Messenger
Abigail put her fingers to her lips.
“Do you want us to stay quiet, Abigail?” asked Foggy.
Psssstt. The sound came again.
“Yes, that’s what she meant,” said Finn. “But that doesn’t matter anymore.”
He pointed at the grass. It started to wave, like something was moving through it.
“Stay behind me,” said Vale. “I got this.”
Vale was determined to be the hero on this planet. He felt like he hadn’t been able to use his training on past missions. And Finn was always getting credit for doing things like stopping planets from exploding. Vale wanted his time in the spotlight.
He reached out and parted the grass.
“Aaaahhh!” he shouted. He leapt back into Foggy’s arms. Foggy flew him about ten feet off the ground.
“Are you okay?” asked Foggy. “Were you attacked?”
“I’m fine,” said Vale. “But look.”
He pointed down at the grass. A large, buglike creature was poking out its head. It looked like a beetle, but was the size of a beagle.
“Yeesh, I said psssstt,” grimaced the beetle. “Don’t you know what psssstt means?”
No one answered. They were too shocked by this enormous, talking beetle.
“It means keep things quiet, ya know?” said the beetle. “On the qt. The down low. Small ball. Mini talkie.”
No one said anything, but Foggy and Vale flew down to the ground to investigate.
“See?” said the bug. “Even that. Too loud. You need to take it down a notch. Inside voices. Whisper misters. Soft vocals. The down low.”
“You said that one already,” whispered Abigail. “But why do we have to stay so quiet?”
The beetle seemed to laugh at this.
“Duh,” it whispered. “So you don’t wake up the boss. The big cheese. The head honcho. The top dog.”
“And who is that?” whispered Finn.
“Who is the big kahuna?” asked the beetle. “The heavyweight? The muckety-muck and the luckety-luck?”
“Yes,” sighed Finn. “Who is that?”
The beetle took another step out of the grass. Its body was even bigger than they expected. On another day, on another planet, Finn could probably ride it like a pony.
“You’re telling me you don’t know where you are?” asked the beetle. Everyone shook their heads. “You wanna know who the top banana is? You’re standing on her.”
The explorers all looked at each other, and then down at the ground. The turf was rough and brown, but it wasn’t that strange. They’d been on much weirder planets.
Vale picked up his foot and looked at the bottom of his shoe as if he were checking for dog poop.
“Is she like you?” asked Elias. “Is she a . . . um.”
Elias caught himself. The beetle probably didn’t think of itself as a bug.
“A bug?” asked the beetle. “No. Saphrite is not a bug. Saphrite is the planet eater, the colossus, the giant that all giants fear.”
“I’m sorry,” said Foggy. “Who is this Saphrite?”
“Yeah,” said Finn. “And where is she, exactly?”
“Oh, I see,” said the beetle. “You really don’t know. Bubs, you’re not standing on a planet. You’re standing on Saphrite. She is this planet.”
Chapter Three
The Eyes Have It
“I’m sorry,” said Foggy. “I believe we’re having some language translation problems. You said she is the planet. I think you meant to say, she is on this planet.”
The bug shook its head.
“I’m trying to shoot you straight,” it said. “Give you the real deal. The true blue. The no-doubt readout.”
“Got it,” said Elias. “So the true-blue answer is that Saphrite is the planet? Like, we’re standing on an alien so big, so massive, that this whole time we thought we were standing on an entire world?”
The beetle winked.
“True blue,” it said.
The kids were stunned. There was nothing in the explorer handbook that could have prepared them for this.
“Okay, I’m calling it,” said Abigail. “Game over. Everyone back to the pod.”
“Seriously?” said Vale. “We’re just going to turn around and leave?”
“This sounds really dangerous,” said Finn.
“So Abigail just gets to call it?” shouted Vale.
“It’s an alien as big as a planet,” replied Finn.
“She’s not as big as a planet, she is the planet,” said the bug. “She’s the whole enchilada. The entire burrito. The complete chimichanga.”
“Yeah, but we could make history!” said Vale. “And as sergeant-at-arms of this explorers troop, I say we stay. I’m not scared.”
“You jumped into Foggy’s arms when the grass made a noise,” said Abigail.
“No, I didn’t,” said Vale. “That was an allergic reaction. But I’m better now. Come on, guys, this is our one chance to really be in the record books. Where’s your sense of adventure? Where’s the bravery and courage that only a Marlowe explorers troop has?”
“I’m with Finn and Abigail,” said Elias. “This bug said Saphrite is a planet eater.”
“I did,” said the beetle.
“So she literally eats planets?” said Elias.
“Sure does,” said the beetle.
“So she’ll have no trouble eating four kids and a robot,” said Elias.
“She’s eaten less accidentally,” said the beetle. “And she’s not going to be happy that your rock thrower over here woke her up before her alarm.”
Vale was about to say it wasn’t his fault, but the beetle twitched its antennae.
“Everything you see here is Saphrite,” said the bug. “See those majestic purple mountains over there? Those are the spiny ridges of her backbone. And that hill just past the mountains? That’s one of her ears.”
“So what’s this grass?” said Vale.
“That would be her armpit,” said the beetle. “And before you start in on me about how gross that is: Trust me. I know. I’m the jamoke who lives in the armpit.”
“Yep, that does it,” said Abigail. “Back to the pod. We’re getting out of here.”
“And that yellow light you see over there?” said the beetle. “See it, coming up over the horizon?”
“Why, it’s a second sun,” said Foggy. “How beautiful.”
“She’ll be glad to hear you say that,” said the beetle. “Because that is no sun. That is her eye. And I believe she is looking for you.”
Chapter Four
Open Wide
As Saphrite’s eye rose over the horizon, the explorers began to panic. Vale ran toward the grass, Finn and Elias toward the mountains, and Abigail shouted instructions.
“Don’t split up!” she yelled. “That never works!”
“A moment, please!” said Foggy. He held up a hand to slow down the group. “Abigail is right. We must stay together. I believe we should return to the explorer pod.”
Finn and Elias turned back to the group.
“Foggy!” called Finn. “Can you please fetch Vale?”
Foggy soared over to the grass and lifted Vale into the air.
“I can see the explorer pod from here,” said Foggy. “And I have good news! It is not far!”
“And I have bad news,” said Vale. He paused. “Well, there’s a lot of bad news, actually.”
Foggy flew up higher for a better view.
“It’s the antibodies, isn’t it?” said the beetle. “Those jamokes.”
“Antibodies?” asked Abigail.
The beetle explained that Saphrite, like any other living creature, often gets sick. And like anyone else, when she gets sick, her body produces antibodies. Antibodies are like medicine your body makes to stop an illness in its tracks. For humans, they’re little invisible molecules that do battle where you can’t see.
“On a giant planet-sized alien like the head honcho here,” said the beetle, “the antibodies are actual ants.”
A swarm of enormous, purple-armored ants was rushing out of the mountains to the west. They wore purple helmets and waved around thin, sparkling swords. They did not look friendly.
“Yep, we see the ants,” said Vale. “And, oops, they’re attacking our pod. And—oh no—they are definitely scratching the paint.”
“Vale, remember when you said this planet was boring?” Elias said as Foggy and Vale landed. “That was hilarious.”
The army of antibody ants spotted the explorers and began marching faster, swinging their swords. The explorers could see another battalion streaming over the opposite horizon, slashing through the armpit jungle. They were coming straight for the Marlowe kids. No matter where the explorers turned, they would run into an army of ants.
“The only way we Marlowe explorer friends can get out of this situation,” said Foggy, “is by going that way.”
“Where?” asked Finn.
“There,” said Foggy.
The robot pointed at two large hills that were clearly, horrifyingly Saphrite’s lips.
“Where now?” asked Abigail.
“Right through there,” said Foggy.
“It’s so weird,” said Elias. “I swear it looks like you’re pointing at Saphrite’s mouth.”
“I am,” said Foggy.
“Oh, I get it,” said Vale. “You think we should fake like we’re running at the mouth. Then we cut back and run to the pod.”
“No,” said Foggy. “I mean we should go into the mouth.”
The explorers were speechless. Foggy was usually so logical. But now he was suggesting they save themselves by being eaten by a giant planet.
“The metal man’s got a point,” said the beetle. “You’re not getting to your ship, and maybe those ants won’t follow you down there. Nobody likes to go down there.”
“Why not?” said Elias.
“You’ll see,” sa
id the beetle.
“Okay, that sounds kinda terrifying,” said Finn. “Foggy, what do we do once we get into the mouth?”
“That’s when you come up with a new plan and save the day,” said Foggy. “It’s that simple!”
The antibody ants were now just a football field away from the explorers. The kids could hear them shouting taunts and insults as they got closer.
“Look at those two-legged weirdos!”
“They don’t even have antennae!”
“Yeah! And who has only two eyes anymore? That’s so nineties.”
“Abigail!” said Finn. “It’s your call. You’re captain.”
“I say we stay and fight off the ants!” said Vale. He started swaying his hips. “Come on, it’ll be epic! No one will believe us!”
“Vale, what is your deal?” said Elias.
“This is what it’s all about!” shouted Vale. “Adventure!”
“Actually, not true,” said Abigail. “Right now, it’s all about whether we fight off hundreds of armed ants or we dive into a monster’s mouth.”
“That settles it!” shouted Vale. “History awaits!”
Vale did one of his famous somersault-flip-jump-kick-heel-taps and took off running. He glanced over his shoulder for a second to see how close the ants were, and then ran faster.
Saphrite’s eye was now higher in the sky, casting a bright light over the planet. The explorers ran after Vale. They could see two strange caverns ahead. Vale darted toward them.
“No!” shouted Foggy. “Vale, those are Saphrite’s nostrils!”
“Gross!” gagged Vale. He stumbled, turned right, and saw two wide hills. Saphrite’s lips.
Elias caught up to Vale.
“I thought you wanted to fight off the ants!” he yelled.
“Nope!” said Vale. “What’s more epic than getting swallowed by a giant alien and fighting your way out?”
Elias laughed.
“This is probably your worst idea yet,” said Elias. “And I kind of love it.”
Foggy flew over them, and Finn and Abigail caught up. They scaled the low hill of Saphrite’s bottom lip. But with her mouth closed, there was no way to climb in.
Journey to the Center of That Thing Page 1