“Okay,” said Vale. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes up to this point. I shouldn’t have woke Saphrite up.”
“True,” said Finn.
“And I shouldn’t have tried to run away,” said Vale.
“It happens,” said Elias.
“And I shouldn’t have eaten Abigail’s freeze-dried candy,” said Vale.
“What?!” said Abigail. “When did you do that?!”
“You have to forgive me, Abigail,” said Vale. “Group hug.”
Vale wrapped his arms around his friends.
“This is getting weird,” said Finn.
“And why are we all standing here?” said Abigail. “We have to find a way in or out.”
Vale smiled.
“You also have to forgive me for just one last mistake,” he said.
He lifted up the boot of his spacesuit. He stomped as hard as he could on Saphrite’s bottom lip.
“Yeeeeooooowwwww!” bellowed the alien, her mouth opening wide. The sound was like an earthquake mixed with a tornado.
“We’re going to be famous!” cried Vale. “Down the hatch!”
Holding on to his friends, he jumped past Saphrite’s enormous teeth before the planet could chomp down on them.
Their feet splashed into Saphrite’s thick, oozy saliva. And as they sank into the murk, Vale hugged his friends again.
“I wonder what we taste like,” he said.
Chapter Five
Slippery Slope
None of the explorers liked to talk about what happened next. Taking a bath in planet-eater spit feels about as good as taking a bath in frog spit. Or crocodile spit. Or hippo spit.
Spit baths are no fun, is the point.
Which is what made Foggy’s behavior so strange.
“Um, what is your robot doing, exactly?” said Elias.
A white light beamed up from Foggy’s chest and pointed at the roof of Saphrite’s mouth. It moved around in a circle, like a searchlight.
“He’s looking for a way out, I think,” said Finn.
“No, he isn’t,” said Abigail. “He’s doing the backstroke.”
It was true. Foggy was floating on his back in the pool of alien saliva. With a kick and a flutter of his arms, he skimmed from one side of Saphrite’s mouth to another.
“It’s really fun, isn’t it?” asked Foggy.
“Ugh, I’m so jealous,” said Vale. “Now Foggy is going to be known as the first explorer to ever backstroke in alien spit.”
“What is it with you?” said Finn. “Why are you so obsessed with—Oh no. Oh no, no, no.”
Before Finn could finish his thought, he felt something pull at his foot. They all did. Because as Finn spoke, Saphrite decided it was time to swallow them.
Being swallowed by a giant alien was like standing in line for the biggest water slide at the biggest water park in the universe. And then someone pushes you down the slide. And then instead of water on the slide, it’s a whole lot of mucus. All you can do is hold your breath and try not to scream.
When they landed in Saphrite’s stomach, the explorers looked like they had been dragged through yellow mud. Foggy wiped the muck from the light in his chest and turned it up brighter. The explorers all glanced at each other. Their eyes peeked out of the muck. And they silently agreed they would never speak of this again.
“So, Vale,” said Finn. “You know I love you. But maybe someone else should take the lead?”
“What do you mean?” said Vale. “We’re alive because of me. Your sergeant-at-arms has kept you safe this entire time.”
“If we ignore the fact that you’re the one who awakened Saphrite in the first place,” said Foggy.
“Exactly!” said Vale triumphantly. “Foggy gets it.”
“Okay, so we need a plan,” said Finn. “We went from being on the most boring planet ever to being inside the biggest alien ever. How are we going to get out?”
“I hate to be the one to say it,” said Foggy. “Please, excuse me. This is not appropriate. But most life-forms . . . you truly have only two ways out. As far as I know.”
“What do you mean?” said Vale.
“Well, there’s the way we came in,” said Foggy.
“Yeah?” said Vale.
“And then,” said Foggy. “Oh, don’t make me say it.”
“It’s okay, Foggy,” said Finn. “We’re inside Saphrite, but we’re also inside a planet. So there has to be more than a couple ways out of here.”
“That’s right,” said Elias. “We need a status report. Foggy, what part of Saphrite are we in?”
Foggy cast his light around the space. It looked like a giant cavern.
“I can tell you,” said a voice behind them. It was the beetle.
“Whoa, what are you doing here?” asked Elias.
“Well, truth be told, Saphrite swallowed some friends of mine a couple days ago,” said the beetle. “And I want to get them back. Saphrite had no right to do that. So I thought, maybe I can help you jamokes, and you can help me. You know, lend a hand. Loan a foot. Sign over a tooth or two. You know.”
“You are the weirdest bug,” said Abigail. “Okay, so if you’re going to help us, what’s your name?”
“My name is Jern, but all my friends call me Cool Franky,” said the beetle.
“No, they don’t,” said Vale.
“No, they don’t,” said Jern. “But I keep trying.”
“Well, Jern, it’s a pleasure to have you aboard,” said Foggy. “Do you have any suggestions for a course of action?”
“Well, you’re in Saphrite’s first stomach,” said Jern. “It’s a storage stomach. Really, nothing happens here. We’re perfectly safe. Think of this as the lobby. Now we need to get to the prison stomach to save my friends.”
“Okay, so how do we do that?” asked Abigail.
“Oh, you want a plan?” said Jern. “A course of action? A direction selection?”
“Yeah,” shrugged Abigail. “I mean, I think so?”
“Our plan is to go through each stomach until someone can tell us where the prison stomach is. Then we go there.”
“Wait, how many stomachs does Saphrite have?” asked Vale.
“That would be thirty-five,” said Jern.
“And how many of them are dangerous?” asked Finn.
“That would be thirty-four,” said Jern. “Let’s go, team!”
Chapter Six
Grave Situation
Walking from one stomach to another was like exploring a cave system. The rocky, craggy innards of Saphrite narrowed to tunnels that were large enough for the kids to slip through. As they exited Saphrite’s first stomach, Vale raced to the front.
“Yeesh, Vale,” said Finn as his friend bumped him. “You don’t have to be first every single time.”
“When historians write about the time Troop 301 traveled through a giant planet alien,” said Vale, “they’ll have to start every chapter with me!”
Vale nudged Abigail out of the way and stepped around the beetle.
“Besides, I’m the sergeant-at-arms,” said Vale. “I’m the most courageooouuuaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!”
Vale had almost stepped off the edge of a cliff. He began flapping his arms like an injured bird. The beetle lunged forward and grabbed his foot before he fell over the side. Vale’s screams echoed around an enormous cavern.
The rest of the crew helped pull Vale away from the edge as Foggy shone his light around the giant stomach. The ledge Vale nearly walked off was actually a winding path along the walls of the stomach. Down below, they saw enormous crumbled boulders, huge rock formations, and tall trees tipped on their sides. A valley seemed to dip down into the darkness, where Foggy’s light couldn’t reach.
“This is the stomach where the planets Saphrite eats are digested,” said the beetle. “There are many worlds in here, from across the universe. Digesting a planet is no quick business. It takes a few ticktocks to break down a galaxy.”
The troop began making t
heir way along the path. They circled down into the stomach. Every once in a while, they spotted some feature of another world. A dried-up river from one planet, grass from another.
“You jamokes might want to put a little more metal on the pedal,” said the beetle.
“Why?” asked Finn.
“Because you’re in a stomach, yeesh,” said the beetle. “What do you think happens inside stomachs? You think there are couches and sofas and little tea sets for you to drink your little tea?”
“Why is our tea little in this scenario?” asked Finn.
“Well there aren’t!” shouted the beetle. “Even if we can’t feel it yet, we’re all being digested. Broken down. Turned into Her Highness’s nutrients. If you want to get out of here alive, you jamokes need to put a little hustle in your muscle.”
“I just realized how gross this all is,” said Vale.
“You just realized that?” shouted Elias. “Come on, let’s move.”
“That’s really something the sergeant-at-arms should say,” said Vale.
But the troop ignored Vale, and Abigail pointed out the tunnel to the next stomach up ahead, at the end of the path. As they hurried toward it, Finn spotted a house on one of the crumbled planets. Only half of it was standing, but there was a roof over that half. The front door slowly creaked opened.
But nothing came out.
“That’s really weird,” said Finn. “Let’s just keep—”
“BWAAIINNNSS” shouted a creature with enormous eyes and four arms. It jumped out of the doorway, toward the explorers.
“Zombies!” yelled Vale. “Zombies! We’re in a zombie stomach!”
But the tall, thin creature just laughed. It stuffed its four hands into the four pockets of a jacket and leaned against the house.
“Everyone says that,” said the alien. The door was about ten feet from the path and about ten feet below it. “At first, I got offended. No one likes to be called a zombie. Then I sort of embraced it. So now I come out of the house and moan ‘BWAAIINNNSS.’ It passes the time.”
The alien trailed off.
“Hi, my name’s Finn,” said Finn. “We’re sorry about the zombie thing.”
“It’s okay,” the alien replied. “Like I said, happens all the time.”
“You run into a lot of other . . . visitors . . . down here?” Finn asked.
“There are no visitors,” said the alien. “Everyone is either food, or here to stay. I’ve been here two thousand years already.”
“Two thousand years?!” gasped Vale. “I can’t stay here that long. I’ll miss my eighth birthday party!”
“And eight hundredth,” said Elias.
“I’m so sorry,” said Abigail, taking control. “It must have been awful to have your world eaten by Saphrite.”
“I was pretty sore about it for a thousand years or so,” he said. “But I’ve met so many interesting characters in this stomach. I mean, look at you guys with the bubbles around your heads. Amazing.”
“So you know a lot of other creatures living in here?” said Finn.
“Unfortunately, no,” said the alien. “They pass through here once and never come back this way.”
“Do you happen to know how to get out of here?” asked Vale.
“Sure,” said the alien. “You just go through this tunnel and turn right. Then take your second left and you’ll see the exit signs. Just follow the sign and head on out. Can’t miss it.”
“Oh, thank you so much!” said Foggy. “You have been most helpful!”
“Foggy,” said Finn. “I think he’s joking.”
“Of course I am!” said the alien. “I’ve been here for two thousand years! I have no idea how to get out!”
“Yeesh,” said Jern. “What a jamoke.”
“Wait a second,” said Vale. “You said you’re either food or you’re stuck here. Do you know anyone else who’s been stuck? Our bug buddy here says his friends are locked up in some prison stomach.”
The alien thought about it for a minute.
“I don’t know where that is,” said the alien. “But your best bet is to find a friendly brain and ask it.”
“A friendly brain?” said Finn. “How many brains does Saphrite have?”
“Too many for her own good,” said the alien. “Or at least more than I have, since I’m still here. If you find a way out, let me know!”
The alien turned around and went back inside his house.
“I don’t know,” said Vale. “He seemed pretty smart for a zombie.”
Chapter Seven
So Many Stomachs, So Little Time
The explorers tiptoed out of the planet graveyard and into another stomach that felt like a cave. A pit of lava bubbled in the center. The explorers all stayed to the edge and slowly moved around it.
“Anyone else not feeling so good?” asked Elias. “My stomach feels kind of funny, and I’m a little light-headed.”
He was walking behind Finn, who was walking behind Foggy. They had almost reached the next tunnel.
“I’m okay,” said Finn. “It’s probably just the heat. We need to get to the next stomach, and maybe you’ll feel better.”
The air was cooler in the next stomach and a small pond in the middle made the stomach feel less threatening, but Elias didn’t feel better. He said his head hurt and his stomach ached.
“Come on, Elias,” said Vale. “You can’t say you have a stomachache while you’re in an actual stomach.”
“Shhh,” hissed Jern. “Don’t disturb the water in that pond.”
“Why?” whispered Abigail. “Is there something dangerous in there?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “But we’re in a giant evil alien and there’s a weird pond in its fourth stomach. I’d say let’s not take our chances.”
“Fair enough,” said Abigail.
The crew quietly tiptoed out of stomach number four and traveled through three more caverns, narrowly avoiding danger in each one. In the first, a strange purple algae grew and glowed on the walls. They decided not to touch it.
In the next, about a dozen angry mouths rose out of the floor yelling, “Feed me! Feed me!” They decided not to feed them.
And in the one after that, a single fruit grew from a single tree. They decided, no matter how hungry they were, they wouldn’t eat it.
“Sheesh, I know I said the outside of Saphrite was boring,” said Vale. “But I’m starting to think all her stomachs are going to be boring, too. If we can’t do anything, why are we even here?”
“We’re here because you thought it would make us famous,” said Abigail.
“Oh yeah,” said Vale. “I guess I was hoping our epic adventure would be a little more . . . epic.”
To get out of the stomach with the tree, they could go left, or they could go right.
“Let’s split up!” said Vale. “Jern and I will take one stomach, and you guys take the other.”
“I’m not going with the arm sergeant guy,” said Jern.
“Sergeant-at-arms!” said Vale. “And why not?!”
“You’re trying too hard,” said the beetle. “You need to chill out. Cool off. Take a rain drain.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Vale.
“Guys, enough,” said Finn. “I think we should stick together. Let’s go this way.” Finn pointed to the tunnel on the right.
“Fine,” said Vale. “We don’t have to split up, but at least let me go first.”
Finn didn’t listen. He was already walking into the next cavern.
“Yeeeoww!” shouted Finn.
“Oooohhh, is something epic happening?” yelled Vale as he ran into the cave.
There was Finn, wrapped in some kind of webbing, hanging from the cave’s ceiling.
“Oh man,” said Vale. “Why does all the fun stuff happen to Finn?”
Chapter Eight
Beep Boop
The explorers all clambered into the stomach. There was Finn, dangling from the ceiling. And be
low him was an enormous computer. Its screen took up one whole wall of the stomach. Lights randomly blinked red, blue, green, and yellow across the screen.
“Finn, are you okay?” yelled Elias.
“Yeah,” said Finn. “Except for the whole being trapped upside down, hanging from the ceiling thing.”
Elias looked closer at Finn. It wasn’t a web surrounding him. It was paper. The computer had an enormous reel on one side of it. And the reel constantly spun a thin stream of paper onto the floor.
“Interesting,” said Elias, picking up a strip of the paper. “The stomach must have a defense mechanism. It thought Finn was a threat, so it spun him up in a web of this paper.”
“Finn, I will be right up,” shouted Foggy. He shot off toward the ceiling, but only made it halfway. Like a lasso, the supercomputer whipped paper around Foggy’s legs and arms, until the robot was trapped in a paper cocoon.
“Stop,” said Jern. “I’ve heard of this before. Yeah, Saphrite swallowed this one world where everyone would go to play all sorts of games. A real arcade planetoid. I bet that’s where this computer came from.”
Elias sat down.
“I’m really not feeling so great,” he said.
“Okay, we need to get Elias out of here,” said Abigail. “Actually, we need to get all of us out of here. Jern, how do we get Finn and Foggy down?”
“I’m not sure,” whispered Jern. “But look. A computer is kind of like a brain. Or a brain is kind of like a computer. And that zombie back at the shack said to look for brains.”
“So you think this thing can tell us how to get out of here?” asked Abigail.
“Yeah,” smiled Jern. “Or at least how to get to my friends.”
The beetle took a confident stride toward the screen.
“Hey, you!” he shouted. “Jamoke! Let go of our friends and tell us how to get to the prison tummy, wouldja?!”
The computer shot out a small piece of paper. It landed at Abigail’s feet. She picked it up and read it out loud.
Journey to the Center of That Thing Page 2