“It says, ‘Where do astronaut computers hang out?’”
“That makes no sense,” said Jern.
“Is it a riddle?” said Elias.
“It kind of sounds like a joke,” said Abigail.
“But it’s only half a joke,” said Finn. “Maybe we need to come up with the punchline.”
“Oh great,” said Vale. “I’m the funny one. I’ll solve it.”
“We can all solve it together, Vale,” said Abigail.
“Yeah, but I’m the sergeant-at-arms,” said Vale. “And this is a battle. This is my thing.”
“I got it!” said Finn. “Where do astronaut computers hang out? At the space bar.”
A million lights flared on the computer’s screen, and bells and horns sounded. Finn had obviously guessed the correct punchline.
Another piece of paper shot out and landed at Abigail’s feet.
“Okay, awesome,” said Abigail. “This one says, ‘What does a robot use to find its keys?’”
“Easy, a flashlight,” said Vale. “It needs a light to find the keys, flash drives are . . . like . . . a thing that computers use. Flashlight! Final answer!”
The computer screen lit up entirely in red and buzzed loudly. The paper web around Finn and Foggy tightened. Another piece of paper fell to the ground.
“The answer is: search engine.”
“Not as good as mine,” mumbled Vale.
“Ow!” said Finn. “Okay, now we know what happens if we get one wrong.”
“Don’t just shout it out, Vale,” said Elias. “We need to work together.”
The computer spit out another piece of paper.
“I’ll read it,” said Vale. He grabbed it before Abigail said anything. “Okay, it says, ‘Why couldn’t the computer find its home?’ I know, I won’t answer it. It doesn’t even make sense, really—”
“Because it had lost its keys,” said Elias. Again, the computer lit up in a rainbow. Bells and chimes filled the cavern.
“That doesn’t make sense,” said Vale.
“Sure it does,” said Elias. “Every keyboard has a home key. The computer couldn’t find its home, because it had lost its keys. Its home key. Or maybe not. I don’t know. Guys, I’m really dizzy.”
“You jamokes need to speed this up,” said Jern. “Unless you want the computer to squeeze your friends harder than an aunt at Thanksgiving.”
“Okay, fine,” said Vale. “I didn’t know there was a dad-joke stomach in Saphrite.”
The computer buzzed and another piece of paper landed at Abigail’s feet. Both she and Vale grabbed it. They began tugging it back and forth.
“Please, guys,” said Finn. “Having a little trouble breathing up here! This paper web is really tight.”
Vale let go and sulked against the wall.
Abigail read the ticket.
“What do you call four kids, one robot, and a bug, all trapped in an alien stomach?”
“Hmmmm . . . ,” said Vale. “It obviously means us, but—”
“I got it!” said Abigail. “What do you call four kids, one robot, and a bug trapped in a stomach? Lunch!”
The computer lit up again, and the paper around Foggy and Finn loosened. Foggy reached over and grasped Finn’s shoulder before he fell. The two flew down to the ground together.
“Good one, Abigail,” said Finn. “It’s kinda dark, but a good one.”
“What do you mean?” said Abigail. “Oh. I see now. We’re Saphrite’s lunch.”
Chapter Nine
Check Out the Big Brain
Each stomach brought a new surprise. They bounced through a rubber stomach, dodged flying meatballs in another, and made friends with little hippopotamus creatures, but refused their offer of tea.
By the time they had moved through at least twenty stomachs, Finn and Elias were almost too weak to walk. Sweat was pouring down Abigail’s face. She wouldn’t admit it, but she had started to feel sick, too.
“Jern, how much farther to the prison stomach?” said Abigail. “We need to get there and get out.”
“You’re telling me,” said Jern. “Three of my legs have gone tingly. I think Saphrite is even getting to old Cool Franky.”
“No one’s calling you Cool Franky, Jern,” said Vale, who was the one explorer who didn’t feel sick at all. “Come on, guys. Let’s just keep going and we’ll get there. I know it.”
“That’s your plan?” said Finn, who was leaning heavily on Foggy.
“Absolutely,” said Vale. “It’s foolproof!”
After several more stomachs, they turned into a new cave and immediately ran into a big, squishy, squiggly blob.
“Oh, hello,” it said as the explorers tried to back out of the room.
“Sorry, sorry,” said Abigail as they shuffled back. “Wrong number.”
“You must be the little aliens everyone in here is so inflamed over,” said the blob.
It didn’t move, and they couldn’t see any eyes or a mouth on it. But when it spoke, little sparks and lightning bolts seemed to dart across it from side to side.
“I suppose I should sound the alarm, tell everyone you’re here. Call down those awful antibody ants.”
“No, wait!” said Abigail. “We really need your help.”
“My help?” the blob laughed. “No one ever listens to me. I’m just the sixteenth brain. Not good for anything but overseeing Saphrite’s toes.”
Every time the blob spoke, more electricity shot across it. The explorers could see that it really was a brain—crammed into this smaller cave like it was forgotten. But its blue, puffy folds definitely looked like the drawings of brains they had seen in books.
“We don’t mean any harm to Saphrite,” said Finn. “We’re just looking for a way out of here.”
“This isn’t the zoo, dear,” said the brain. “You can’t just go to security when you get separated from your parents. There’s no way out. And if you’re getting sick, that just means you’re being digested. You won’t last much longer.”
“No way,” said Vale. “We’re not food. We’d just end up causing Saphrite heartburn.”
The brain seemed to consider this. Tiny lightning bolts flew across the cave, and the explorers all ducked and covered their heads.
“Interesting!” A giant spark shot from one side of the brain to the other, shocking Foggy as he flew up to get a better look. He returned to the ground with the rest of the troop, smoking slightly.
“Do your brains do this, too?” Foggy asked Finn. “I feel all sparkly.”
“I don’t think our brains are this stormy,” whispered Finn.
“I feel tingly, too,” said the brain. “I didn’t expect my thought to go through you like that. You’re different, aren’t you?”
“Duh, he’s a robot,” said Vale. He looked back at his friends. “Some brain on this brain.”
“Hmmmmm,” said the brain. A quick bolt of electricity shot out and zapped Vale’s foot.
“Yeowch!” shouted Vale.
“Sorry,” said the brain. “Had to check if you were a robot, too.”
Finn laughed. He was pretty sure the brain meant to do that.
“I’m sorry to rush you,” said Abigail. “But two of us are feeling sick. And I’m feeling . . . weird. We need to get back home.”
“Yes,” said the brain. “That will happen in here. It’s part of Saphrite’s digestion. Feeling ill is just the first stage.”
“So I’m being eaten alive?” said Finn. The thought of it made him feel even sicker.
“Yes, all of you are,” said the brain. “Except this robot. He seems immune.”
“Then why do Finn and I feel sick, and not the others?” said Elias.
“How do I put this?” said the brain. Sparks flew across it as it searched for the right thing to say. “You simply agree with Saphrite. You are easier on her digestion. It is an enormous honor. You should be really proud.”
“Oh man,” said Vale. “I want to be the one who gets
digested.”
No one had anything to say about that.
“Please, Your, um, Braininess,” said Abigail. “Our friends need to get home. And Jern has been helping us the whole time we’ve been here. We’d really like to help him rescue his friends. They’re in the prison stomach.”
The brain’s sparks suddenly turned a deep purple and the brain began to buzz.
“Jern, are you a surface creature?” said the brain.
“I am,” said Jern. He sounded defiant. Like he was a rebel for living on the surface.
“Ah, then maybe I should throw you in the prison stomach,” said the brain. “You know you shouldn’t be here.”
“My friends were eaten by mistake,” said Jern. “They were trying to help Saphrite by guiding a small meteorite into her mouth. And they fell in. It seems only right to free them. It’ll make us even Steven. Square Claire. Balanced Allens.”
The brain considered this.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” said the brain. “I’ll tell you which way to go to find an exit. On your way there, you will pass by the prison stomach, but not through it. You’ll know when to turn.”
The troop sighed with relief.
“But you have to do something for me,” said the brain.
“Anything,” said Elias. “What do you want us to do?”
“Once you get out, go to Saphrite’s right pinky toe,” said the brain. “Just below the knuckle, there’s an itch that has been driving me crazy for one thousand and three hundred years. Give it a scratch for me.”
“That’s kind of gross,” said Vale.
“We’ll do it!” said Abigail, elbowing Vale. “Our sergeant-at-arms will be more than happy to.”
A lightning bolt shot out from the brain and shocked Foggy again.
“There,” said the brain. “I’ve put a map of the way out into your robot. It’s going to be very dangerous. You’re going to have to go straight to the center before you can get out.”
A thin line of smoke rose from Foggy’s head.
“I’m fine,” said Foggy. “But next time, I would prefer you use words.”
“You must go now,” said the brain. “And if you run into any more brains, please don’t tell them I let you go.”
The light of the brain’s sparks dulled slightly.
“I would never hear the end of it.”
Chapter Ten
A Voice from Above
Foggy led the troop through more tunnels. He was now carrying Finn and Elias under each arm. They were both still awake but exhausted from being slowly digested.
“I can’t believe this,” said Finn. “Digestion is such a gross way to die.”
“Well,” said Jern, “you’re not exactly being digested. That brain isn’t that brainy. Not the sharpest tack in the tack box. Not the brightest bulb in the bulbatorium.”
“Please,” said Abigail. “Just say it.”
“Well, digestion means breaking something down, right?” said Jern. “Decomposing it. That’s not what’s happening to you. More likely it’s the pressure of being inside a giant planet that’s getting to you. You’re a couple miles underground now. That will do a number on you.”
“Not sure that makes me feel better,” said Finn.
“Oh, okay,” said Jern. “Then yeah, you’re being slowly digested by a giant alien.”
After shimmying past a gallbladder and bouncing off three different spleens, the troop found themselves in a wide tunnel.
“Chums!” said Foggy. “We are almost there. It turns out I was wrong about there being only two ways out of Saphrite. You’ll be glad to know that Saphrite has a belly button. And when she inhales, a small opening appears in the button. Lucky for us, a small opening on a planet is plenty big for us to squeeze out.”
Foggy paused for Vale to make a joke. But Vale wasn’t in the joking mood.
Vale looked at his friends. Finn was nearly asleep. Elias was limp in Foggy’s arms. And Abigail looked like she had run a marathon, she was so sweaty.
“Okay,” said Vale. “I know I haven’t always made the best decisions. But I think I have a plan, and you guys are in no shape to argue.” He paused, waiting for them to argue.
“Great,” he continued. “Here’s how it’s going to go down. Foggy, you take Finn, Elias, and Abigail, and you head for that button. Me and the bug are going to bust his buddies out of the hoosegow.”
“The what?” said Jern.
“The clink,” said Vale. “The big house. The cooler. The crowbar hotel. The stony lonesome. The lonely stonesome.”
The beetle looked confused.
“Prison,” said Vale. “Once we see it, we’ll break them out, and then meet up with my friends on the surface.”
“Vale,” said Foggy, “I don’t think you should be the one—”
“STOP WHERE YOU ARE.”
A voice echoed through the tunnel. It seemed to be coming from the walls.
“NO ONE ESCAPES ME.”
It was Saphrite. The giant planet had finally taken notice of the explorers.
“Good thing we’re not no one,” said Vale. “We’re Explorers Troop 301, and we always complete our missions.”
“YOU MAY NOT THINK I CAN FEEL YOU, BUT I CAN. YOU MAY NOT THINK I CAN HEAR YOU, BUT I CAN. YOU MAY NOT THINK I CAN SEE YOU, BUT I CAN.”
“That’s . . . really . . . creepy,” said Elias. He was having a hard time staying awake.
“AND I AM NEVER LETTING YOU GO!”
“Why not?” said Abigail. “You’re a planet eater. We’re nothing to you. Let us go, and we will never bother you again.”
“YOU MAY WANT TO ESCAPE . . .”
“Yeah, that’s what I just said,” said Abigail.
“BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU. MY ANTIBODIES WILL BE UPON YOU SOON, AND YOU WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GIVE UP AND BECOME MY LUNCH.”
“The lady loves her lunch,” said Jern. “You’re not going to convince her.”
Finn looked around. There was a red light up ahead. He slipped out of Foggy’s arms and crawled to the opening. Inside was a small brain. Its bright red sparks flew around its tiny cave.
He turned back around.
“Guys, I don’t think that’s Saphrite,” said Finn. “There’s a red brain up ahead. I think it’s some sort of alarm system.”
“STOP WHERE YOU ARE,” Saphrite’s voice rang out again. “NO ONE ESCAPES ME.”
“See?” said Finn. “It’s an alarm. I’d bet you a thousand dollars the next thing Saphrite says is, ‘You may not think I can—’”
“YOU MAY NOT THINK I CAN FEEL YOU,” said Saphrite at the same time as Finn.
“It’s like a recording,” said Finn.
“So Saphrite can’t actually see or feel us?” said Abigail. “We just tripped a wire? It’s all fake?!”
“Those jamokes aren’t fake,” said Jern. He pointed back down the tunnel.
A crowd of angry purple ants were charging toward them. They were hurling insults again.
“Oh look, a couple of them are sleepy. So lazy!”
“Yeah, they’re nothing but spoiled food!”
The troop and the bug ran past the alarm brain. A small light shone up ahead, and then went dark again. It blinked on and then darkened.
“That’s it,” said Abigail. “That’s our way out. I know this sounds weird, but I’m so excited to see that monster belly button!”
About twenty feet from the exit, a tunnel opened on the right.
“This is my exit,” said Jern “My off-ramp. My fire escape. I gotta go save some jamokes.”
“Okay, then I’m coming with you,” said Vale.
“No need, friend,” said Jern. “I can handle it from here.”
“I’m not leaving you,” said Vale. He turned to his friends. “You guys go. Now. You know we have to help Jern after all he did for us. It’s the Marlowe way. I’m going to help free Cool Franky’s buddies.”
Jern smiled.
“Vale, you don’t have to do this,�
�� said Abigail. “Jern can handle himself. We need to get out of here.”
“Abigail, please hurry,” said Foggy. He had Finn and Elias draped over his shoulders. “I fear Finn and Elias may not recover if we don’t.”
“Vale, we’re in this together,” said Abigail. “Remember, no splitting up. We’re a team, always.”
“Go,” said Vale. “And if I don’t make it out, tell everyone on the Marlowe what a hero I was.”
And with that, Vale turned his back on his friends.
“You called me Cool Franky,” said Jern.
“That’s right,” said Vale. “And you can call me Sergeant-at-Arms Vale Gil.”
“Too long,” said Jern.
Chapter Eleven
A Hero Is Scorned
Vale watched Abigail dive through Saphrite’s belly button. Foggy pushed Finn and Elias through. He turned back to Vale and waved before squeezing himself out.
“Okay, bug,” said Vale. “It’s you and me. I’ll hold off these antibodies while you free your friends. I may not have any weapons. But I have some sweet karate moves that will make these ants regret ever—”
“Got ’em,” said the bug. While Vale had been watching his friends leave without him, Jern had ducked into the prison stomach and broken out his friends.
“Wow, that was fast,” said Vale. “Are you sure there aren’t any more in there? I could help you free them.”
“Nope,” said the bug. “Turns out stomach prisons aren’t all that strong.”
Vale was more than a little disappointed. Nothing had gone right this entire adventure. He hadn’t set the record for highest toss. He hadn’t faced down any enemies in an epic battle. He hadn’t solved any of the supercomputer’s jokes. And he couldn’t even get properly digested!
And now his one opportunity to be a true hero was gone. He had wanted to defend his new friend while his old friends headed to safety. He had hoped to do some fancy jailbreak work, freeing the bug’s pals.
At the very least, he wanted to single-handedly defeat an army of ant antibodies.
Journey to the Center of That Thing Page 3