Northwest Romantic Comedies: Boxed Set Books 1-6

by Lia London

  I already don’t like that guy, thought Milo. I think his ego just jabbed me in the ribs.

  Next came a tiny Asian woman with pearly skin and a stiff, business-like air. Milo tried inducing a smile, but she barely met his gaze. The next woman, however, grabbed his attention. A lithe black woman with a sweep of braids like a crown bounded by with an energetic smile. “Well, aren’t you the gentleman? Thank you!”

  Milo tipped an invisible hat at her. “No problem, miss.”

  She chuckled at him, turning to walk backwards long enough to wink.

  Milo started to close the door when a hand reached out and stopped it. “Oh hey, it’s you!” Standing beside him was the waiter from Lincoln City. “Antonio, right?”

  Antonio grinned. “Yeah. Have we met?”

  “Enough chit chat! Take your seats!” shouted a man’s voice from the lobby.

  Milo let Antonio lead him to the row of tall, wood-and-canvas chairs set up in a wide semi-circle.

  A young man with hair starched to stand on end a full four inches, clapped his hands. “So, we’re out in the lobby because the greenroom is currently housing the school’s props and stage furniture. We had to put their stuff somewhere, but not the lobby, for fire code reasons, so here we are. Everyone take a chair, and we’ll get you ready for the shoot.”

  Techies sprayed and shellacked a layer of make-up on the contestants with efficient detachment. Milo could tell these were not interns.

  “You’ve done this before,” commented Milo to the pudgy, short woman working on his hair.

  “More times than you brushed your teeth,” answered the stylist through teeth clenching a make-up sponge.

  “I’ve never had a cavity.”

  “Uh-huh. We both experts, ain’t we?” She flashed a broad smile before squinting at his face, as if deciphering the molecular construction of his hair follicles.

  Two seats down on the left, Jill chatted up her stylist and probed for celebrity insider gossip. To his right, he noted Antonio watching Jill, his eyes following her every move. While Milo couldn’t blame him, he felt himself tense. He knew there’d be fans following her around someday, but he had forgotten about fellow performers. If she went very far in this world, she’d have wolves all around her, even backstage.

  “Ooop ooop!” The make-up technician tapped his forehead with the stem of a skinny brush. “No frowning ’til the powder sets or your face’ll crack.” She snapped her gum and gave him an encouraging smile. “You got a good look. Like you’re not even tryin’. That’s hard to do.”

  “That’s definitely my style,” said Milo. “Is it safe to smile?”

  She ran the soft brush over the sides of his eyes. “Yup. I’m Janot, by the way. You find me every time, and I’ll take care of you.”

  “Thank you, Janot. So … I have your stamp of approval?”

  She gave two thumbs up and blew a bubble. “You gonna win $10K if I have my say. Then you can tip me.” She winked.

  Like that’ll ever happen. I’m not even supposed to be here. Milo bowed lightly and sneaked back into the auditorium.

  Up front, two guys pushed massive, old-style cameras labeled Thing 1 and Thing 2 back and forth, one up on the stage, and the other just below it on the floor. The stage left area was built up and decked out for the judges’ panel area. Very glitzy, imposing, and sleek, with a nautical helm wheel stuck on the front. Jay Walker pranced around the largely empty stage and bantered with an unseen woman in the light booth.

  Parker entered the auditorium down by the stage and held up her hand. “I’m Team Northwest director, Parker. I’m second only to Zeus for the duration of this production. Follow my instructions precisely, or you will be asked to leave …”

  As she gave her spiel to the audience members, Jill slipped in and stood behind Milo, resting her chin on his shoulder. “She’s at it again.” Her voice was soft next to his ear, and his heart tapped on his ribcage as if to say, Remember that kiss on Monday?

  Oh dang, do I ever.

  He turned to admire what the techies had done to enhance her appearance. Even more flawless than he’d imagined. No blemishes on the skin. No frizzy fly-away wisp.

  Jill gave him a shy smile, and he realized he’d been staring.

  “How do I look?”

  What’s the word for more perfect than perfect? “Irresistibly beautiful?”

  Did Jill just blush?

  It was getting harder and harder to be next to her without saying something about the kiss—about his feelings—about anything. But her focus on the reality show had spiked, and he couldn’t blow her concentration now. He’d have to wait and ride it out, catch her at a calmer moment. How could he put the pressure of all those emotions on top of a potentially life-and-career-changing opportunity?

  The crowd applauded at something Parker had said, and she spoke into her walkie-talkie. “All contestants to the monitor on stage right. All contestants in the auditorium, now!”

  Milo winced. “Apparently, her mouthpiece is rigged to the main speakers because she just blasted a quarter of my brain out through my ears.”

  Jill giggled. “No worries. You’ll still be the smartest one here.”

  Milo wanted to accept the compliment, but wished she’d find something more … manly … to extoll. Had she even noticed how hard he’d been working out? How his socks were almost always the same color now? How he never once forgot deodorant?

  He and Jill made their way down the side aisle to meet up with the other four.

  The onstage lights changed and the house lights dimmed. The audience erupted in cheers, and Jay managed to look surprised and pleased by the reception as he turned to Thing 1. “Hello and good evening, America!”

  “It’s ten-thirty in the morning,” whispered Milo.

  Jill smiled and held her finger to her lips, not removing her attention from Jay.

  “A big welcome to you and our studio audience. I’m Jay Walker and this is Who Wants to Be a Soap Star? –a brand new reality show where we take everyday people just like you and turn them into daytime drama sensations!”

  Parker made a signal, and the crowd went wild.

  “You love soaps, and you love reality TV,” continued Jay. “So here comes the show to top them all!”

  “Isn’t he awesome?” Jill sighed.

  “He looks older in real life. I bet he’s my dad’s age.” Milo didn’t need her drooling all over this phony.

  Jay swept a hand at nothing in particular. “We are working in partnership with one of your favorite daytime dramas, Tides of Port Delano.”

  Jill joined in the squeals of enthusiasm with the rest of the audience.

  Thing 2 moved in for a close-up, and Jay put on his chummy-neighbor-explaining-things look. “Our teams from each region will move through grueling rounds of auditions while our celebrity judges critique them. In fact—” He held out a hand towards stage left.

  Nothing happened.

  “Cut!” Parker’s announcer voice had turned shrill. “That was your cue!” She muttered into a mic attached to her earphones for a few seconds and then rolled her arms in the universal move-already gesture.

  Jay took this in stride and repeated his line. This time, the theme song fanfare blasted and spotlights danced in circles to announce the entrance of the judges, but before they could come in, the mics all screamed with feedback. The audience got quiet. Parker shouted into the walkie-talkie. “Keep cheering until you see me signal like this. Make it sound like there are three times as many of you, and for the love of peanut butter, don’t shout anything stupid like ‘Hi Mom’, or you’ll be kicked out.”

  Jill buried her laughter in the back of Milo’s shoulder while they dutifully cheered and clapped from off camera. Slick and Kamilah made highly choreographed entrances calculated to look casual and spontaneous. Milo would have made a snarky comment, but all of his attention was on the heat emanating from the point of contact where Jill rested her cheek on his shoulder. Why did every place she touc
hed become a surging pool of lava … and he couldn’t get enough of it?

  Jay kept his narration going. “Slick Patton, the action star from across the pond. And who could forget Kamilah Krussman from Days in our Dynasty? With over thirty-five years of experience in daytime television, she knows what it takes to have enduring success!”

  Kamilah’s eyes shot Jay a skull-melting look. He spun to face Thing 2 beside him and gave an exaggerated gesture of excitement. “And now the most important part—a secret we’ve been keeping from you until this very moment!”

  “Cut! Cut!” Parker jogged down the aisle to stand in front of the crowd. “This is very important. Is there anyone here who has not yet signed the Disclosure Agreement? The one where you promise not to reveal anything—not even the color of my eyes—to anyone—not even your niece’s best friend’s dog groomer—until after this episode is nationally aired in October. Anyone not signed that?” She took the time to eyeball every single person in the audience until they all indicated they had signed. “Okay, sorry about that. I should have checked as you entered the auditorium, but someone needed me backstage.” She cast an irritated glance at Jay. Giving a signal to the light booth, she called, “On my mark, return to action in three, two, one.”

  “The winning contestants from Who Wants to Be a Soap Star? will receive contracts to appear in the pilot of a brand-new daytime drama, Angels and Tycoons, premiering on cable in January!”

  The crowd went wild. Jill grabbed Milo’s arm. “Oh my gosh, do you know what this means?”

  “Uh, there will be one more soap opera for me not to watch?”

  She rolled her eyes. “The stakes are so high! It’s not just money, anymore. If you star in a pilot, you can help define the role, really make it yours.”

  “He said appear in the pilot. Not star in it. You might be an extra, the third lady from the left at the buffet table in the background.”

  “Oh Milo, you don’t get it!”

  Parker jumped up and gave a signal. Most of the lights cut out, and she started barking orders to everyone. “You’ll have about fifteen seconds to introduce yourself to the cameras. This will get mixed in with the advertising montage later, when we introduce all the regional contestants, so for the love of lightbulbs, say something worth recording!”

  Jill used the time to study the blond contestant as he took his position. He reminded her of a star from a deodorant commercial. Great hair and six-pack abs with a few extra rows for good measure. She smiled a little too widely at him. I bet he looks great in a towel.

  He flashed a smile at the camera. “Yo! Name’s Crawford Andrews. I love working out and hiking in the great Northwest.” He flexed, affecting Jill’s oxygen intake.

  Milo leaned in close. “Why do guys like that always have their names backwards? Andrew Crawford would sound so much more …”

  “Like an accountant.”

  “Instead of a bonehead surfer dude,” he muttered.

  A petite Asian girl with bold eye make-up and a stylish bob cut smiled at the camera and introduced herself as Chieko Makiguchi.

  Parker motioned Jill up next, and she bounced into place. “I’m Jill Ripley, and believe it or not, I’m your hometown girl with world class talent. I’m going to win this one for the Northwest!” She pointed to the audience and the friends from college went bezerk cheering.

  Antonio went next, and Jill exchanged warm smiles with him.

  “I thought it was a cliché, the whole waiter / actor thing,” said Milo.

  Jill elbowed him. “What’s bunching up your boxers?”

  “Hello, I’m Antonio Seneca. I’m excited to be here, and yeah, this is great! I’ve never done anything like this before, but I hope to go far.”

  Jill twisted her lips. “Not much of an intro.”

  Milo shook his shoulders loose, as if preparing for a boxing match. “Okay, I can beat that guy. Not that I want to. But it’d be embarrassing if I didn’t.”

  Amaya floated forward. “I’m Amaya Jefferson. I’ve been dancing since I was three, singing since I was seven, and acting since high school. I’m a triple threat, and I’m ready to make the leap to TV.” She spun with vivacious flair, earning a burst of applause.

  Parker jabbed a pencil eraser into Milo’s shoulder to get his attention. He stumbled forward, squinting at the bright lights.

  Jill crossed her fingers.

  “Hi, I’m Milo Halsey. I love chemistry, physics, and drone photography.”

  Jay ogled Milo as if he’d sprouted bamboo from his ears, and the audience faltered in its applause.

  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. Jill tucked her crossed fingers under her arms. Antonio’s going to beat him after all. She plastered on her most encouraging grin as he skulked back over to the sidelines. “Well, you tried! This is fun!”

  Scene 6: Getting into Character

  Parker turned into a human being right before their eyes as she had them huddle around for instructions. Her pitying expression unnerved Milo.

  “Okay, so here’s how this works,” said Parker. “As you probably know, soap stars film every day. They have next to no time to learn their lines. Sometimes they forget and have to ad lib.”

  Milo’s mind flashed back to Cleon in Tides of Port Delano and how he kept saying, “What is it?” over and over. Maybe the script writing wasn’t the problem. He just couldn’t remember his lines and said the same thing over and over.

  “When do we get our lines?” asked Chieko.

  The way Parker sucked her teeth sent chills down to Milo’s socks. “You don’t.”

  Milo was not the only person who made a strangled noise.

  “We are checking your improvisational skills and using this time to get a feel for your natural instincts. You will be put into real soap situations with no lines at all, and you’ll have to ad lib to make your scene sizzle with excitement and dazzle with drama.” She said the last bit like she was imitating Jay, but not in a very complimentary way. Milo couldn’t help wondering if maybe Parker loved soaps about as much as he did.

  Then what she said registered in the self-preservation part of his brain. He’d have to make stuff up on live … okay, recorded live television?

  “You’ve got this. Go Team Northwest!” cheered Parker, suddenly more like a football coach than a TV director.

  Across the stage, the camera guys zoomed in on the panel while Jay continued. “Judges, any tips before they start?”

  “Try not to bore me. Be anything but yourselves,” said Slick Patton with a stifled yawn.

  Kamilah grinned at the audience. “Drama, darlings! It’s all about being bigger than life!”

  The audience cheered.

  Jill gave Milo a sideways glance. “You ready for this?” Milo mouthed the word NO, but she just giggled. “You’ll be fine. Act like you’re having fun! You’re a game show contestant.”

  “But it’s the wrong kind of show. No chance I’ll win a new fridge or a trip to the Bahamas.”

  Jill laughed and clapped along with everyone else as Parker signaled for the audience to go wild.

  Milo clapped, too, but his smile hurt. “Maybe they could pack me into a fridge and mail me to the Bahamas. That sounds good …”

  Jill chewed her lip as she watched Crawford and Chieko flirt their way across the floor to a staged restaurant scene. Antonio trailed behind them. While they got situated, Parker waved the others to the sidelines to watch on the screen.

  Jay took center stage and addressed the studio audience. “Isn’t this exciting? We go first to the restaurant scene where Chieko and Crawford will be playing Blythe and Max, and Antonio will be playing the local heartthrob waiter.”

  “Seriously? Did they know about his day job?” Jill’s brows dropped an inch. “His character doesn’t even get a name?”

  Jay continued, “Blythe and Max are a young married couple who have just found out that they are going to have sextuplets.”

  The whole room seemed to cough up their surprise. Jill surged
with hope. “This is great. They’ll make her fat. I’ll look hotter by comparison.”

  Milo blinked. “Your Machiavellian side is freaking me out a little.”

  “I wish you spoke English more often.”

  Milo chuckled, but Jill ignored him and watched the screen.

  The lighting change transformed everything in an instant. Chieko and Crawford muttered angrily at each other, and Antonio stood poised to take their order. A natural.

  “Action!” called Parker.

  Chieko visibly gulped, but Crawford calmly took her hands across the table. “So! Sextuplets, huh? Sweet!”

  “But my figure …”

  Jill elbowed Milo. “See? She gets the implications.”

  “Tycoons can afford nannies and post-partum liposuction. She’ll be fine!”

  Jill snorted. “You’re such a dweeb.”

  Crawford leaned back and flexed a little. “It’s okay, Babe. I love you. We’ll get through this together.”

  Chieko looked frozen with fear.

  Antonio saved the day. “Hi, I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get you started with some drinks?”

  Chieko shielded her eyes and looked over to Parker. “Can we start over? I really don’t get this.”

  “Keep the scene going, dear,” urged Kamilah.

  “Let’s see some passion,” droned Slick.

  Chieko’s nostrils flared. “Passion?” She glared at Crawford. “That’s what got me into this mess. Look—”

  “Max,” prompted Crawford.

  “Max!” She spread her arms wide. “You did this to me, and now I’m going to bloat up—”

  “But Babe, I love you.”

  Chieko snatched up her fork. “Back off, beach bum.”

  Crawford backed off. “Okay, Babe.”

  “Don’t you ‘Babe’ me!”

  He smiled tightly. “Babe, please don’t make a scene. Remember how we’re in a restaurant?”