by Melody Adams
He let his hand run down to my pearl and rubbed it until I screamed in ecstasy. He then pumped a few more times hard into me, before he threw his head back and moaned loudly. I felt him pulsate inside of me. I knew it was wrong to let him think that I was taking birth control. I suspected that our time together was limited and a small egoistical part of me wanted to hold on to something from him.
Panting, Viper laid down next to me and pulled me into his arms. We were drenched in sweat and closely entwined. I could feel his rapid heartbeat under my hand. I suppressed thinking of the moment when our ways would part. I did not think of it now. I wanted to enjoy the moment while it lasted.
“If I were the man you love ...” he said softly ... “I would forgive you if you were to tell me everything … You could tell me anything and I'm sure I would not hate or despise you.”
I listened to my heart beating. If he knew what I kept from him … If he knew what I had never told anybody. It was hopeless. He would never look at me with the same eyes again ... I would be a stranger to him. The girl he thought I was, never existed. It had always been just a protective cover to hide the ugliness underneath. Tears wanted to run from my eyes but I urged them back firmly. He should not know that I was crying. Even though he could not see my tears if I let them flow, he would feel it … and he would hear me sniffle. No! I could not cry. When I was alone, I could cry. And I would!
Chapter 10
Viper
I tried to have Fay open up to me somehow and have her confess for two weeks now. I wanted a future with her but she preferred to continue to lie to me. It hurt and I had procrastinated the moment, but I could not do it any longer. I would confront her … I had to. She was sitting on the couch with a magazine when I entered the living room after working out. I had let out my frustration on the punching bag but it did not really work. I stood at the door and looked over to her. She had not noticed me and I took my time observing her. How I would miss her! But I could not continue to live like this. I had offered to share my darkest secrets with her if she would share hers, but she did not go for that.
“Fay?” I said and she looked up.
“Oh, Vip-Vincent”, she said. She again almost misspoke. I shook my head involuntarily. Her eyes were anxious and she suspected something was up.
“What are you reading?” I asked, giving her a hint. A last chance to let her know, that I knew who she was, so that she would finally admit to it.
She swallowed.
“Wh-Why?” she asked softly.
I walked over to her slowly. I did not sit down next to her … I couldn’t. I would only get weak again and I was determined not to let that happen. Instead, I sat down in the armchair across from her. I let my eyes run over her and she turned pale, then red.
“You can see!” she said, almost with an accusing tone.
I nodded.
There was silence for a while. I gave her time to digest this.
“Since … since when?”
“A while. Since the morning after our first kiss.”
Tears were running down her face and she avoided looking at me. It took me a lot of effort to stay in my chair instead of going over and taking her into my arms.
“Why?” I asked. “Why didn’t you tell me, who you were? I have given you so many opportunities to do it.”
She was now sobbing but I still forced myself to not give in. My heart broke into a thousand pieces and I knew it would never heal again.
“I was afraid … of this moment” she sobbed. “I …”
“I loved you”, I said softly. “I loved you more than I ever loved anyone in my life. I trusted you and you just left me. Do you even know, what you did to me?”
“I thought you would hate me and forget me” she whispered in pain. “I had to go, Viper. I had no choice.”
“Why?” I yelled. “Why? Explain it to me!”
“I … I can’t!” she yelled back and looked at me bewildered.
“Fay!” I said, suppressing my anger with difficulty. “I did not just forget you! Fuck! Fay! You were my world! I only knew you a short time, but you had my heart in your hands and then just kicked it into the dirt. I spent two months in a psychiatric hospital because of you! Yes, I have problems. I … I am depressed and aggressive. I usually don’t talk about my past with anybody, because it is a dark one. I would trust you with everything, if you would trust me as well and tell me what the fuck happened to you! I can live with everything you are going to tell me, but not with lies. I don’t want any more lies between us. Say that you will tell me everything and I will tell you my darkest secrets first. But I want that you tell me, god dammit! You destroyed me and I want to know why! I have a right to know … Why did you leave me? What is it that you can’t tell me?”
“I can’t” she yelled and jumped up.
“Where are you going?”
“I am packing! You are right! I can’t do this either. I can’t live with lies, but it seems that we are both not able to be honest with each other. You are just as guilty! You did not disclose that you could see. You let me believe that you don’t know who I am. That is just as bad!”
“Dammit Fay” I screamed desperately. “We both made mistakes. An eye for an eye … But if we are both honest now telling each other our darkest secrets, then we can leave all this behind us and start anew. Make me understand you! Make me understand, why you left me!”
Fay looked at me, her eyes wet from tears.
“I can’t Viper. I love you too much to risk that you see me as what I really am.”
“Sweetheart, please”, I tried one last time. “There is nothing that you could have done, that would kill my love for you.”
“Yes … you have no idea, Viper!”
She turned around while saying this and ran from the room. I let out a scream of frustration and kicked over the coffee table, shattering the glass top. I knew what was about to happen and I was not willing to let Fay experience this, so I grabbed my keys and left the house. I had to leave. Had to get my aggression under control before I faced her again. I hoped that I was important enough for her to wait until I returned before she would leave me again. Maybe I could still convince her somehow.
Fay
I ran up the stairs. Viper was screaming. There was a sound coming from the living room and glass shattered. It sounded like Viper was tearing apart the whole room. I was in a panic … Panicking over my feelings and Viper. He was outraged. I could not blame him but I was also scared. For the second time, I had destroyed the only thing I cared about in my life. I did not want to live anymore but the thought that Viper’s semen could have impregnated me kept me from cutting my wrists. I was pretty sure that I would have done it otherwise. I did not want to be without him but I could not entrust my secrets to him. It was too horrible.
… “I spent two month in a psychiatric hospital because of you! Yes, I have problems. I … I am depressed and aggressive …”
Viper’s confession had shocked me. I was shocked that I had hurt him that much and shocked that I knew so little about him. We both knew so little about each other. Our most important things … the essence of our beings were a mystery to each other. Viper was right. We could never have a relationship like this. We would be living a lie. But he could not find out about my secret and I did not know if I could endure his. I grabbed my stuff in record time and put the house keys on the bed. Then I hurried down and fled the house. A big part of me died the moment I pulled the door shut behind me. I cursed my life, as I was not allowed to live in peace with the man I loved, and who loved me. Martin had taken every chance to ever be happy from me. I may have freed myself from him but my life was irrevocably destroyed. Tears ran down my cheeks as I hastily threw my bag into the trunk and opened the driver’s door. I sat behind the wheel, but did not know how I could drive. My vision was blurred by my tears. I had to leave before Viper came back and tried to stop me from leaving.
Pull yourself together! I reprimanded myself and wiped aw
ay the tears with my sleeve. I forced myself to breathe in and out calmly, then started the engine and set the gears into reverse and backed down the driveway.
As I was driving the car backwards and turned onto the road, I gave the house one last look as the other half in me died. I hastily looked away and sped up before tears would take my vision away again.
Like in a trance I drove to V’s apartment. I turned off the engine and started crying. I had no idea how long I sat there like this, but at some point my car door opened and V looked at me concerned.
“Sugar! What’s the matter with you? You are all cried out. Come! Out with you and up the stairs. I’ll fix you a drink and you tell me what happened!”
“Holy Shit” where the first words V said to me after I told her my story. “Oh my god, sugar. I am so sorry.”
She took me into her arms and gently rocked me back and forth, as I was crying. I had only called twice to check in since having moved into Viper’s house, and had stated that I was okay but had too much work to hook up with her. She did not seem to resent me for having lied to her for so long and for not having told her the truth. Being the good friend that she was, she showed support and did not blame me.
“Can’t you just tell him the truth?” V asked. “I mean, he obviously had a lot of shit happen in his life and he offered to tell you his dark secrets if you told him yours. That sounds like a fair deal.”
I shook my head.
“I can’t. I know that he would never look at me the same. I am not the innocent girl he saw in me. I …”
“What happened to you was not your fault” V interrupted me vehemently. “Your stepfather, who should go to hell and rot there forever … he’s done something unforgivable to you and it is all HIS fault, not YOURS! I’m sure your Viper will see it the same way. He loves you! And you love him. You can’t just give all that up like this.”
“I have to”, I insisted. “I will never tell him. Never! Please don’t ever try and convince me to do it! I made my decision!”
“Okay!” V relented. “I will stand by your side no matter what you do. It is just such a damn shame that it has to end like this.”
I took the tissue she was holding out to me and blew my nose.
“What are you going to do now? You are out of a job.”
“Ask your brother … if he will hire me” I said voiceless. “I have to make money. I … I am probably …” I broke out in tears again.
“You are what?” V asked skeptically and checked me out.
“Pregnant” I croaked voiceless.
“What?” asked V. “Dammit, Fay! You have to tell him. You can’t do this alone!”
“No” I replied with determination. “I will make it! I can’t tell him.”
“But he has to pay child support for the child. He has enough money to have you and the kid …”
“No!”
“Holy Shit!” cussed V as she jumped up pacing the room. “You will need help and money or you won’t make ends meet. If you don’t want to accept any help from the father of your child, then come back to me. This way you save money and I can help you with the child. We can take turns working shifts so the little bugger is not alone. Daycare with your salary is out of the question.”
I knew, that V was right. I would not make it on my own. So I nodded.
“Good!” said V. “We will go get your stuff right away. And we are making an appointment with your OBGYN. We have to make sure the baby is okay. – Holy Shit! I can’t believe this. Dammit Fay, you really know how to get into deep shit!”
“I know!” I sniffed.
Hey! Its okay” said V and gave me a hug. “Me and my stupid mouth! I always manage to say total garbage. I am sorry, sugar. Please don’t cry! We will manage somehow!”
Viper
My heart dropped, as I came up the driveway and saw that Fay’s car was gone. She had done it again! She had left me!
“Nooooooo!” I yelled and hit the windshield of my pick-up truck. The Glass shattered with the blow and the shards cut my hand. Not paying any attention to the blood, I clenched my fist and swung it into the fender my car. I hit my fist again and again into the dent. At some point I stopped, breathing heavily, and went inside the house. I grabbed the phone and called Boris.
“Yes?” I heard the familiar voice.
“It’s me!”
“Viper, boy!” the happy voice of my coach answered. “How are you? Are you getting along with your new nurse? I wanted to come and visit you next wee…”
“I want to fight!” I interrupted him.
“I know, son. I am so sorry! What do they doctors say? Is there a chance of …”
“I can see!” I interrupted him again.
“What? What did you say?”
“I. Can. See!”
“Is this … a joke?”
“No!”
“How …?”
“It came all of a sudden. I can see again and want to go back to the octagon. I will be on the next plane out. Arrange everything. I want the title back! As fast as possible!”
“Okay, my boy. That … that is great! I don’t know what to say.”
I could hear tears in his voice.
“I am back, coach. I will win again!”
“I know! I know, my son!”
Chapter 11
Fay
“I don’t think it’s a good idea” I said doubtful. I looked into the mirror. V had gotten a blond wig for me and put make up on me. My tummy was hidden under a large sweatshirt, but it was not able to fully hide my pregnant belly of seven months.
“It is a fantastic idea. You said you wanted to see him fight. He is here, Fay. Here, in L.A., and he’s having his first title fight since recovery. He won’t recognize you in this outfit and we are not sitting ringside anyways. He will never know, that you saw him.”
“I don’t know! What if he sees me? I don’t want him to take me back just because he sees my belly … and the problem with my past is still there.”
“But you want to see him, right?”
“Yes!” I said from the bottom of my heart. I missed him so much. I had followed his story. He had started fighting again and beat all his opponents. Today he would attempt to get his title back. I had not changed my mind about not wanting to tell him my story, but I wanted to be there when he had his big moment. And since the title fight took place in L.A., it was almost a sign of fate. I would get to see him one more time. I suppressed the tears that had come to my eyes and bit my lips. Then I nodded.
“Okay, let’s do it!”
“That’s my girl” said V and smiled.
I had almost forgotten how underground MMA fights were. It was crowded, loud and the air was filled with tension. Three fights had taken place and V seemed to enjoy them.
“If I had known how sexy it is to watch men beat each other to a pulp, I would have gone much sooner” she said next to me.
“I don’t really like it” I said.
“Why are you here then?
“Because it involves the man I love, and he is an MMA fighter with all his heart and soul.”
Then it was time, the champion was announced and I followed with excitement as a bear of a man entered the octagon. Sean, The Butcher, Smith … The Butcher! That did not sound encouraging.
“Wow!” V said next to me. “Look at that heap of meat! I hope your Viper has something similar to offer or I see black for his future. And the name!” She shuddered. “I am about to pee my pants from excitement and I am not even the one who has a crush on Viper.”
“Viper is almost as tall and as wide”, I said. “Just less fat around the hips.”
“Good for him, which means he is in better shape. He will win. I cheer for him!”
“Are you crazy?” I hissed. “That will attract Viper’s attention to us.”
“Okay, got it!” V said sighing.
“Vipers music played and I looked tensely toward the hallway leading to the octagon. V gasped for air next to me.
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“Now I understand you, sugar. This man is … oh, wow! He should come with a warning sign: Caution! May cause heart attacks!”
I did not respond and stared at the man that I loved. The baby moved in my tummy like it felt the presence of its daddy … probably from my excitement. I put my hand onto my tummy and felt the hard kicks. I only got what happened around me through a mist. The fury of the people around me came from far away. I could not take my eyes off him. Tears welled in my eyes but nobody noticed it. They were too busy cheering for Viper. Then the fight began. Viper fought as always. Hard, and full of concentration. He had to take a lot of hits and punches, but won. His arm was raised and his victory announced. The hall went wild. V shouted out next to me … despite her promise. Viper gazed into our direction and my heart stopped as his gaze went over me. Did he recognize me? I could not see through the veil of my tears.
“I got to go” I muttered and fled, before V had a chance to follow me.
Viper
I did it! I got my title back and the crowd was celebrating me. I was back! Instead of the feelings of happiness that I usually felt in moments like this, I felt hollow and empty. What would success get me if I could never hold Fay in my arms again. I was just a shell. A show. A lie! I smiled at my fans when I really wanted to cry. I let my eyes go over the crowd and for a moment I thought I saw Fay. But it could not be her. She was neither blond nor did she have this body mass. However, as my gaze kept going, I had a strange feeling and looked back. She was gone. Another blond was there, with a shocked expression on her face and she seemed to be upset about something. I did not think twice and jumped over the ropes that surrounded the octagon. I reached the seat where the blond was still standing in a few quick moves.
“Where is she?” I asked and grabbed the blonde by the arm.