The Cool School

Home > Other > The Cool School > Page 48
The Cool School Page 48

by Glenn O'Brien


  cages of their own making

  Some say he belongs in prison,

  him and his mob connections

  You know what they say,

  but nothing was proven.

  In the 50s, his cloven hooves

  In the 50s, his cloven hooves

  marked up many a bandstand—Critics said

  marked up many a bandstand

  QUIT—

  QUIT

  Hit it!

  Who does he think he is?

  Sicilian

  Overly sensitive

  Sicilian

  Split personality

  Sicilian

  Schizy,

  Sicilian

  scary,

  Jilly Rizzo

  Jilly Rizzo

  alcohol/alcohol

  blood/blood alcohol content

  alcohol content/alcohol content

  blood brotherhood

  rat pack

  WNEW AM 11-3-0

  Radio City Music Hall

  Nelson Riddle

  Jimmy Van Heusen

  Axel Stordahl

  Johnny Mercer

  Earl Wilson

  Harold Arlen

  Jule Styne

  William B. Williams

  Sammy Cahn

  Sam Giancana

  Sammy Davis Jr.

  Cole Porter

  Toots Shor—

  Toots Shor—

  He likes it when people call him a

  class act

  class act

  it confirms his own opinion,

  If he is misunderstood,

  If he is misunderstood,

  it is because he is confusing

  it is because he is an asshole

  This fabulous gift

  Your fabulous face always

  stored in the case of such a

  grimacing at reporters—

  troubled man—Sad.

  Don’t make me laugh!

  Got a telegram from Sinatra/Here’s what it says:

  Your information stinks lady

  don’t talk to me baby you’re

  broads always think they know best

  not in my league, not in my league

  don’t they don’t talk to me baby

  where you where you wear you wear you wear

  you’re not in my league,

  not in my league

  The way you wear your hat/The way you sip your tea

  where’d you get that information you’re

  The memory of all that, oh no they can’t

  a leech, man you’re a parasite just like the

  take that away from me, the way your smile

  rest of them get it, cunt C-U-N-T you know

  just beams/The way you sing off key

  what that who what that is don’t you been

  The way you haunt my dreams

  laying down for that two dol lars all your

  Oh no they can’t take that away from me

  life that stench you that stench you smell is

  We may never never meet again on that

  coming from her! I don’t want to talk to

  bumpy road to love/Still I’ll always keep

  you go home you go home and take a bath

  the memory of—

  let’s get the hell outta here baby you’re

  TRAMP

  nothin but a TRAMP.

  In a dream, Sinatra is awakened

  by 20-year-old Mia Farrow

  as the ghost of his own past.

  (SING:)

  Strangers in the night/exchanging glances wondering in the night what were the chances

  She comes in the night praises his phrasing His voice clear of vibrato

  we’d be sharing love before the night was through

  natural as conversation melodious and cool is restored. She shows him Pearl Jam She shows him Nirvana and he slams them and when he slams them, everybody says

  WELL, FRANK’S RIGHT! ROCK N ROLL DOES SUCK

  WELL, FRANK’S RIGHT! ROCK N ROLL DOES SUCK

  Somehow the past feels like

  a better place/A place where Ava Gardner

  a better place/A place where Ava Gardner

  bakes coconut cakes

  bakes coconut cakes

  a place without an Elvis

  a place without an Elvis

  a world of his own

  a world of his own

  where all men are equal brutal

  where he is the leader

  insufferable laughable

  postwar Las Vegas mafia royalty

  childish homophobe RICH

  Hollywood underworld RICH

  The 60s that the rest of us

  remember

  are as a little museum to

  Frank Sinatra

  a small curious place

  a small curious place

  where Viet Nam and Watts

  where Viet Nam and Watts

  play constantly in a silent

  loop on the video monitor

  and there’s a box

  and there’s a box

  containing Pink Floyd Eldridge Cleaver Bernadette Devlin

  containing the Stones, Hendrix Dennis Hopper Malcolm McDowell

  everything Mark Rudd ever said

  and the whole Stax Volt catalog,

  all incomprehensible to Frank.

  Only thing in the whole

  decade makes any sense to

  him is Mrs. Robinson’s

  stockinged legs—

  those he understands.

  those he understands.

  Back from engagements beyond the grave,

  old friends visit Sinatra backstage

  Sammy Davis Jr. falls on him weeping/Tells him

  Baby you’re the Chairman of the Board

  Baby you’re the Chairman of the Board

  Joe E. Lewis is glad to be back

  He says Vegas is better than heaven

  He says Vegas is better than heaven

  Deeper cleavage and lots more booze

  Opens a bottle/here’s to the boys

  They don’t notice/the club is closing

  They don’t notice/the passing of time

  because they’re drunk

  because their wives

  because they’re has-beens

  because their hormones

  because they’re famous

  because their fans

  because they’re boys

  because they’re drunk

  but you know somthin

  way I see it

  The real problem is mortality

  The real problem is mortality

  The real problem is nothing lasts

  The real problem is you get old and die

  Gotta grow up sometime/Life is short

  Gotta go sometime/Time is short

  songs finish

  beauty vanishes

  God plays dice in this casino right here

  God knows why this world’s the way it is

  The real problem is body and soul don’t mix

  The real problem is life doesn’t make sense

  WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND SING

  The boundaries of good taste and human

  decency having been crossed and crossed out

  again and again by the bourbon in his

  glass,

  bloodstream

  Frank Sinatra stands and offers a toast:

  To the human race

  To the human race

  To hell with the human race!

  To hell with the human race!

  Nancy with the laughing face

  Bunch of buck and a half hookers,

  what has she ever done for me!

  what have they ever done for me!

  All you mothers are worthless—

  All you mothers are worthless—

  There’s nobody in my league!

  There’s nobody in my league!

  Placing myself on his go
od side I

  raise my hand to ask a question:

  Mr. Sinatra,

  Mr. Sinatra,

  how can anyone so wretched sing so well?

  how can anyone so wretched sing so well?

  Well he says

  I’m not the first

  and I won’t be the last

  one born

  a walking contradiction,

  dead on from the heart

  the rest all thrown together,

  hitting the same walls

  over and over and over—

  A person is only a case

  A holder for all manner of things

  A random arrangement of idiocy and glory

  Sometimes a barrage of artistic light

  Sometimes an embarrassment,

  a dismaying puddle of slush

  Sometimes a nobody,

  fading into the crowd or the distance

  the welfare office

  the supermarket

  the laundromat, the library

  and sometimes

  marvelous as a god,

  all in one

  all in one lifetime

  all in one life.

  Doo be doo be doo . . .

  For Virgil Moorefield

  Verbal Abuse, Summer 1993

  Eric Bogosian

  (b. 1953)

  In the nineties we found ourselves in a weird place, with poetry as we had known it dissolving before our very ears, morphing into stand-up comedy, often of a faux self-deprecating confessional variety. Quite unhip. We were rescued, however, by of all things performance art and such solo performers as Ann Magnuson, Spalding Gray, Karen Finley, and Eric Bogosian. Mr. Bogosian is also a playwright. His Talk Radio was made into a movie directed by Oliver Stone and starring the author. He has acted in many films and played one of televisions most beloved cops on Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

  America

  A silhouette against the back wall of the theater reveals a man speaking into a microphone. We hear a basso profundo radio voice à la Rush Limbaugh.

  I WAS SHAVING this morning. Shaving with a disposable razor and suddenly I thought of my Dad. I wondered, “What would I be doing right now, if it were forty years ago? If it wasn’t 1994, but 1954 and I’m my own Dad?” And I imagined myself going downstairs, and there’s my wife and she’s not racing to meet the car pool, no, she’s making me breakfast. She’s got a gingham apron on, she’s making me bacon and eggs . . . which I eat with tremendous pleasure because I’ve never even heard of cholesterol before.

  And here are my children sitting at my 1954 breakfast table and they’re well-behaved and well-dressed. In fact, my son is wearing a necktie. I’m wearing a necktie. I pick up the morning newspaper—all the news is good: we’ve won the war in Korea, they’ve found a cure for polio, employment’s up, housing’s up, everybody’s happy.

  I own my own home, I own my own car (which I wash every single Saturday), I love my wife, I like baseball, I believe in the President, and I pray to God in a place called church. No drugs. No drugs anywhere. Only people doing drugs in 1954 are William Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg!

  No one’s complaining. We’re not hearing about women’s rights and homosexual rights and minorities’ rights and immigrants’ rights. No victims. No sexual harassment. No worries about the environment. The environment is just fine, thank you.

  No therapists. No twelve-step groups. No marches on Washington. No homeless people. No AIDS. Just good old-fashioned values like honesty and hard work and bravery and fidelity. And that’s it. It’s America forty years ago. Everybody’s working. Everybody’s straight. Everybody’s happy.

  And I thought to myself, what a wonderful world that must have been, a world without problems. I would love to be there right now. And then I remembered a terrible nightmare I’d had last night.

  Now lemme tell you about this nightmare: It’s the middle of the night, I’m in bed, of course, who shows up in my bedroom but Bill Clinton. As I said, it’s a nightmare. He takes my hand and he says, “Come with me.” And we float out the window and into the night air, and down to the street and we drop into this open manhole.

  And we’re walking around in the sewers, Bill and I. I’m thinking, I never trusted this guy, where’s he taking me?

  We walk and we walk and we come to this big cave and in this cave there are all these people lying around on mattresses, smoking things: pot, crack, hashish, opium. Whatever these people smoke.

  And through the haze, I see all these familiar faces! Oh, there’s Whoopi Goldberg reading the Communist Manifesto. And there’s Ralph Nader bitching about something. And Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins leading a peace rally. And Roseanne Arnold having sex with Madonna. And Ice T and Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice and all the other pieces of ice and all the other troublemakers and commies and lefties and people with green hair and tattoos and goatees and rings through their noses and rings through their nipples and rings through their penises.

  And some of them are marching around protesting something . . . there’s another bunch of them counting their food stamps and welfare checks. Right in front of me a bunch of idiots are watching Beavis and Butt-head on MTV.

  And I’m horrified. And I turned to Bill and I said, “Bill, where are we? I’m frightened.” And he said, “Don’t you know?” And I said, “No. Hell?” And he laughed and he said, “No, of course not! This isn’t Hell. Look around you. Don’t you recognize the place? This is America, 1994! Better get used to it.”

  Let’s go to a commercial.

  Pounding Nails in the Floor with My Forehead, 1994

  George Carlin

  (1937–2008)

  It seems appropriate to end with a comedian. Comedy has always represented the front lines. It doesn’t just sit there in its comfy coffee shop, it gets up in front of louts, drunks, and hecklers and challenges them to a mental fight. Well, great comedy like that of Lord Buckley, Lenny Bruce, and Mort Sahl did. It picked up where the poets left off, with the facts. In 1966 Lenny Bruce was arrested for using nine specific words. Seven of them appear in George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” routine, which wound up figuring prominently in a test case before the Supreme Court. As a result of that decision you will hear “motherfucker” on the radio only between 10 P.M. and 6 A.M., unless it’s a hip-hop station that the FCC can’t understand.

  A Modern Man

  I’m a modern man,

  digital and smoke-free;

  a man for the millennium.

  A diversified, multi-cultural,

  post-modern deconstructionist;

  politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

  I’ve been uplinked and downloaded,

  I’ve been inputted and outsourced.

  I know the upside of downsizing,

  I know the downside of upgrading.

  I’m a high-tech low-life.

  A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art,

  bi-coastal multi-tasker,

  and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

  I’m new-wave, but I’m old-school;

  and my inner child is outward-bound.

  I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking,

  warm-hearted cool customer;

  voice-activated and bio-degradable.

  I interface with my database;

  my database is in cyberspace;

  so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive,

  and from time to time I’m radioactive.

  Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,

  ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet,

  pushin’ the envelope.

  I’m on point, on task, on message,

  and off drugs.

  I’ve got no need for coke and speed;

 

‹ Prev