I’ve got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
out of rehab and in denial.
I’ve got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant,
and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up;
you can’t dumb me down.
’Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non-believer,
I’m an over-achiever;
laid-back and fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home;
low-rent, high-maintenance.
I’m super-sized, long-lasting,
high-definition, fast-acting,
oven-ready and built to last.
A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
prematurely post-traumatic,
and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.
But I’m feeling, I’m caring,
I’m healing, I’m sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing
primary-care giver.
My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.
I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
I like rough sex; I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my e-mail.
And the software on my hard drive
is hard-core—no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped
and vacuum-packed.
And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked, and ready to rock;
rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow;
I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’;
jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’.
I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.
I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt;
and I’m hanging tough.
Over and out.
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, 2004
Sources & Acknowledgments
Great care has been taken to locate and acknowledge all owners of copyrighted material included in this book. If any owner has inadvertently been omitted, acknowledgment will gladly be made in future printings.
Lester Bangs. How to Succeed in Torture Without Really Trying: Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung, Greil Marcus, ed. Copyright © 1987 by The Estate of Lester Bangs. Used by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.
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Eric Bogosian. America: Pounding Nails in the Floor with My Forehead (New York: Theatre Communications Group, 1994). Used by permission of Eric Bogosian.
Richard Brautigan. The Kool-Aid Wino: Trout Fishing in America (San Francisco: Four Seasons Foundation, 1967). Copyright © 1968 by Richard Brautigan. Used by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Chandler Brossard. From Who Walk in Darkness (New York: New Directions, 1952). Used by permission of The Estate of Chandler Brossard.
Anatole Broyard. A Portrait of the Hipster: Partisan Review, June 1948; reprinted in The Scene Before You: A New Approach to American Culture, Chandler Brossard, ed., (New York: Rinehart and Co., 1955). Used by permission of The Estate of Anatole Broyard.
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Lord Buckley. The Naz: Hiparama of the Classics (San Francisco: City Lights Books, 1960). Used by permission of City Lights Books.
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Diane di Prima. From Memoirs of a Beatnik (Paris: Olympia Press, 1969); reprinted by Last Gasp in 1988. Copyright © by Diane di Prima. Used by permission of Last Gasp.
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Richard Hell. Blank Generation: Hot and Cold: Essays Poems Lyrics Notebooks Pictures Fiction (New York: powerHouse Books, 2001). Words and music by Richard Hell. Copyright © 1977 (renewed) Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp., Quick Silver Music, and Dilapidated Music. All rights administered by Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. All rights reserved.
John Clellon Holmes. The Pop Imagination: Nothing More to Declare (New York: E. P. Dutton, 1967). Copyright © by John Clellon Holmes. Used by permission of SLL/Sterling Lord Literistic, Inc.
Herbert Huncke. Spencer’s Pad: The Evening Sun Turned Crimson (New York: Cherry Valley Editions, 1980). Used by permission of The Estate of Herbert Huncke.
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Joyce Johnson. From Minor Characters: A Beat Memoir. Copyright © 1983, 1994 by Joyce Johnson. Used by permission of Penguin, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., Joyce Johnson, and Irene Skolnick Literary Agency.
Bob Kaufman. Walking Parker Home: Solitudes Crowded with Loneliness. Copyright © 1965 by Bob Kaufman. Used by permission of New Directions Publishing Corp.
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Norman Mailer. The White Negro: Superficial Reflections on the Hipster: Dissent, Spring 1957; reprinted in Advertisements for Myself (New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1959). Copyright © 1957 by Norman Mailer. Used by permission of The Wylie Agency LLC.
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Mezz Mezzrow and Bernard Wolfe. If You Can’t Make Money: Really the Blues (New York: Random House, 1946). Copyright © 1946, 1974 by Milton Mezzrow and Bernard Wolfe. Used by permission of Milton H. Mesirow, Miranda Wolfe and Jordon Wolfe.
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Glenn O’Brien. Beatnik Executives: Verbal Abuse number 1, Summer 1993. Used by permission of Glenn O’Brien.
Frank O’Hara. The Day Lady Died: Lunch Poems (San Francisco: City Lights Books, 1964). Used by permission of City Lights Books.
Iris Owens. From After Claude (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1973). Copyright © 1973 by Iris Owens. Used by permission of New York Review of Books.
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Richard Prince. The Velvet Wall: Richard Prince: Collected Writings, Kristine McKenna, ed. (New York: Foggy Notion Books, 2011). Copyright © Richard Prince. Used by permission.
David Rattray. How I Became One of the Invisible: How I Became One of the Invisible (New York: Semiotext(e), 1992). Used by permission of Semiotext(e).
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Andy Warhol. From a: a novel. Copyright © 1968, 1998 by The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts, Inc. Used by permission of Grove/ Atlantic, Inc., and The Random House Group Limited.
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