The Cool School

by Glenn O'Brien

I’ve got no urge to binge and purge.

  I’m in the moment, on the edge,

  over the top, but under the radar.

  A high-concept, low-profile,

  medium-range ballistic missionary.

  A street-wise smart bomb.

  A top-gun bottom-feeder.

  I wear power ties, I tell power lies,

  I take power naps, I run victory laps.

  I’m a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk

  rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

  A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;

  out of rehab and in denial.

  I’ve got a personal trainer,

  a personal shopper,

  a personal assistant,

  and a personal agenda.

  You can’t shut me up;

  you can’t dumb me down.

  ’Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless.

  I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

  I’m a non-believer,

  I’m an over-achiever;

  laid-back and fashion-forward.

  Up-front, down-home;

  low-rent, high-maintenance.

  I’m super-sized, long-lasting,

  high-definition, fast-acting,

  oven-ready and built to last.

  A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;

  prematurely post-traumatic,

  and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

  But I’m feeling, I’m caring,

  I’m healing, I’m sharing.

  A supportive, bonding, nurturing

  primary-care giver.

  My output is down, but my income is up.

  I take a short position on the long bond,

  and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

  I read junk mail, I eat junk food,

  I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

  I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive,

  user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

  I like rough sex; I like tough love.

  I use the f-word in my e-mail.

  And the software on my hard drive

  is hard-core—no soft porn.

  I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.

  I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.

  I eat fast food in the slow lane.

  I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,

  and I come in all sizes.

  A fully equipped, factory-authorized,

  hospital-tested, clinically proven,

  scientifically formulated medical miracle.

  I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,

  pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,

  post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped

  and vacuum-packed.

  And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

  I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal.

  Lean and mean.

  Cocked, locked, and ready to rock;

  rough, tough and hard to bluff.

  I take it slow, I go with the flow;

  I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.

  Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’;

  jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’.

  I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.

  I keep the pedal to the metal

  and the rubber on the road.

  I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.

  I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt;

  and I’m hanging tough.

  Over and out.

  When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, 2004

  Sources & Acknowledgments

  Great care has been taken to locate and acknowledge all owners of copyrighted material included in this book. If any owner has inadvertently been omitted, acknowledgment will gladly be made in future printings.

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