by Cs Jacobs
“I thought you could use some sleep so I shut it off. It was ringing off the hook.” He looks at me sympathetically, but he knows I’m not happy with his decision.
“Son, I’m afraid I am going to have to ask you to leave. This is a family matter that needs to be dealt with in private.” My granddad’s tone leaves no room for arguments.
“I’m sorry, sir, I meant no disrespect. I was merely worried about Angelica. I’ll leave now that I know she’s safe.” Blake stands then leans over and kisses my cheek. I don’t know what comes over me, but I throw my arms around his neck and hold him tightly. I don’t know Blake very well, but he makes me feel safe. In the little time we have been together, I have felt happy. Happy isn’t an emotion I freely express.
“Please don’t leave me.” I know I sound desperate to this man right now, but I don’t care. If his being near me calms my nerves, then I will have him by my side. “Granddad, I want Blake to stay with me. Joey, go home. I’ll be fine. And, Granddad, you go to your hotel and get settled. Come back in the morning and we’ll have breakfast. I’ll make all your favorites, I promise.” I give my granddad my lopsided grin and stick my lower lip out. He grins at me, and I know he can’t resist that. I’ve been using it on him since I was five years old.
“Angelica Marie, you know I can’t say no to that face. Blake, if you plan on staying here with my granddaughter, I expect you to sleep on the couch or in one of the guest bedrooms.” He shoots daggers into Blake’s eyes.
“Yes, sir, I will not leave Angelica’s side and I will remain on the couch for the duration of the evening.” Blake is looking straight into my grandfather’s eyes. Both men stand and face one another. They are both nearly the same height, Blake having him beat by a few inches. The two men shake hands again. Granddad comes and gives me a hug, telling me he will be here for breakfast. I kiss his cheek and walk him to the door.
Joey is in the kitchen opening a beer. “Sweetie, you know I am not leaving you tonight. I don’t care if your McHottie stays here as well, but I guess we’ll be having a slumber party.” He grins and winks at Blake, obviously trying to irritate him. Blake just shakes his head and pulls me onto his lap on the recliner.
“Slumber party it is.” I smile at Joey, knowing there is no use in trying to talk him out of it. The man is just as stubborn as I am. I nestle into Blake’s embrace. With everything going on, I hardly noticed what he was wearing. Leather boots, worn jeans, and a black fitted T. The man is freakishly handsome. And he smells divine, like a delicious man. God, I could sit here and smell him all day. What has gotten into me? I went from not doing relationships to begging Blake to stay with me. I hardly know the man.
“Although I don’t mind you breathing in my scent,” he winks at me, and I think I turn as red as my throw blanket sitting next to me, “but if it’s not too much to ask, can you tell me what happened? Everything was fine and then you just disappeared on me.” He looks genuinely concerned. I sigh, knowing he can’t be kept in the dark, not if I want him to hang around. I look over at Joey and can feel my eyes water.
“Do you see the pain you’re causing her by making her tell you that?” Joey says harshly, and Blake turns my face to his.
“I’m sorry, Angelica, please forget I said anything. I’ll just hold you until you’re better. You don’t have to tell me anything,” he croons to me.
I haven’t told anyone this story in a very long time. I’m not even sure I have the mental strength to tell Blake right now. But how can I ask him to stay with me through this hard time when he doesn’t know what the hell it is? He’s probably thinking of a million different things it could be, but he’s never going to guess right though. No one would. This part of my life is a nightmare I wish never happened. Unfortunately, it did and now it is coming back full circle.
“This is something I have not shared in a long time, and I hoped to never have to speak these words again. But if I’m going to ask you to stay with me, you deserve to know what you are getting yourself into. It started when I was nine years old...”
“My mom was a single mother for most of my childhood. My grandfather, Timothy James, or TJ as we call him, the man you just met, took care of us from afar. He lives in Texas. Anyway, when I was nine, my mother met a man named Edward and it was love at first sight for them two, or so it would seem. In the beginning, he was a nice man—took us both on dates to the movies and arcades. I thought he was cool. I was so excited to have a dad like every other kid I knew. My mom married him six months later. I was happy for my mother. She had been alone for so long; I always knew she longed for a companion. Once they married, I noticed a change in Edward. He was always encouraging my mom to go out and have girls’ nights or even girls’ trips. Since she was a single mother, she rarely got to do those things, so I thought it was nice of him. Well, I thought it was nice of him until we were left alone.”
I take a deep breath at this point of the story. It’s going to get bad and I don’t know how Blake will take it. Will he be disgusted by me? Will he think I’m a liar? God, I feel like I’m a kid all over again. I look up at Joey and he is just staring at me with sad eyes. I know he’s mad I’m telling this story, because it always guts me, but I want Blake to know. I want him to understand why I am the way I am. Why I push emotions away instead of embrace them.
“At first it was nothing more than watching movies while she was gone and he’d make me sit right next to him. No big deal, until he started to let his hands wander. I was unsure at the time what he was doing, so I didn’t tell my mother anything. One night when my mother went to the Hamptons with her tennis group, Edward wanted to watch a movie. Not thinking anything of it at the time, I went to start the popcorn. When I came back, he was in only his boxer shorts watching porn, touching himself.”
I’m looking into Roger’s eyes as though he is the one that needs to know what happened. He takes that as a greeting and comes to sit at my feet. I absently pet him, his smooth coat somehow soothing me. Joey has now moved across the room and is sitting on the arm of the couch next to us. The room is oddly quiet. Aside from Roger’s pants, the only other sound is our breathing. My body is tense. Telling this story makes me feel like it is happening all over again, making my skin crawl. I continue before I lose the nerve.
“I dropped the popcorn and the bowl shattered, but Edward told me it was okay and to come sit next to him. When I told him I didn’t like this movie and I wanted to go to my room, he yelled at me and demanded I sit next to him. I was scared; he’d never shouted like that before, so I did what he asked. When I sat down, I just stared at my feet. I had nowhere else to look, nowhere to run. He was touching my body everywhere. I started to cry and he told me that turned him on. He raped me twice that night.”
I don’t look up; I know what their faces are going to look like and I don’t want to see the pity in their eyes. I just continue telling the story.
“Sometimes I have nightmares of the pain that night caused me. He told me if I ever told my mother or grandfather, he would hurt me even worse. So of course, I told no one. When my mother came back from her trip, she thought nothing of my new bed set. Edward had told her he took me shopping and I wanted a new set, when really my old one was in the trash covered in my blood. My mom was besotted with Edward and never saw him for who he was. I lost count of how many times he raped me...sad I know, but it’s not something I wanted to keep count of.” Joey is holding my hands. I didn’t even realize I was crying.
“Angie, stop, honey, Blake gets the point. You don’t need to keep torturing yourself.”
“No, Joey, I need to tell him all of it. I want him to know.” I turn to stare at Blake. “I just want you to know what you’re getting into beforehand.” He goes to say something, but I cover his mouth with my finger and carry on with my story. “This went on for six grueling months, until I went to my granddad’s ranch that summer as I did every summer. I was now ten and a half. As soon as I walked off the plane, he looked at me and knew something was
wrong. I ran into his arms and just sobbed. I finally felt safe. I was 17,000 miles away, and Edward couldn’t hurt me. My granddad didn’t ask me any questions; he took me straight to the hospital. They ran a ton of tests. I remember being there for hours. They gave me snacks and juice and I got to watch cartoons. They made it as comfortable as possible. After they told me my last test was done, my granddad walked out to talk to the doctor. When he came back into my room a while later, he had tears in his eyes. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. He took me to the ranch and I had the best summer of my life that year. He bought me my own Clydesdale that summer. I knew he was spoiling me. He’d never had one on the farm before. Betsy was the best horse ever. On my last night there, Granddad told me that everything was going to be okay. He said Edward would never lay a hand on me again. I trusted my granddad with everything I had. I knew when I went home the next day things would be better. And they were. Edward was gone. I never asked any questions. I was just glad he was gone. I finally felt safe in my own home. Everything was going nicely for a while. Then about a year later, he came to my school. He told the staff he was my stepfather and pulled me out of school. He told me I ruined his life and I owed him.” I sigh to myself because I remember this incident so clearly in my head like it was yesterday. Blake pulls me even closer to him. I hurry to finish the story.
“Anyways, he raped me for the last time that day. Once he was done with me and trying to redressed, I jumped out of the car and sprinted into a convenience store that just happened to be around the corner from the alley he drove us to. I told the older lady what happened and she called the police. Edward was arrested that day. My grandfather made sure there was a restraining order in place. My mother just went with it all. I think she was too embarrassed by all the attention to care too much about me. After that, Edward never touched me again, but he made sure I saw him every now and then. No one is sure how he got out of doing serious jail time; he just did. I would see him jogging past my schools during the lunch hour, frequenting stores by my dance studio, always taunting me. When my grandfather caught wind of this, he offered Edward a lot of money to stay away from me. So we thought we were done with him. Until today. My mother called and told me Edward was moving back to the city. How she came upon this information I don’t even want to know, but it’s only a matter of time before I start to see him again. He won’t touch me, but I think he likes to be seen as a reminder of the pain he caused.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. I haven’t shared that story in far too long. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to. That man has ruined me in more ways than I ever thought possible. I won’t let him ruin me anymore.
“He better pray to God he doesn’t go near you when I’m around. ”Joey is now pacing the living room. I told him this story one drunken night in college. I think that’s one of the reasons he is so overprotective of me. You would think after such a horrendous incident, I would be put off by men. Unfortunately, it’s the other way around. I enjoy getting lost in them. Perhaps it’s the fact that I am in charge and have a say in the matter as opposed to when I had to just endure it. So says my old therapist. Who knows?
“Joey, you will not be doing anything reckless. Did you forget you’re a model? Your face is your job. We can’t risk messing that up any more than it is.” I wink at him.
“Angelica, don’t make games of this. I’m serious. This is a big deal. You can’t brush this off as nothing.” He’s angry. He’s right. I turn to look at Blake who has been quietly listening to me this whole time. I’ve probably scared him away. I try to stand, but he pulls me back down.
“Where are you going?” he asks me.
“I figured after hearing how fucked up my past is you’d want to leave.”
“Are you serious?” Blake asks me.
“Yes, she’s serious. She has issues about people thinking she’s not worth the fight,” Joey says to him.
“Part of me hoped you would never have to find out about this, another part of me did, unfortunately this is a part of who I am. I don’t want you to be with me because you feel like I need to be protected because I can handle my own. You too, Joey. I love you, but I don’t need a babysitter. I’m stronger than everyone gives me credit for.”
“Baby girl, calm down. I’m not babysitting you. I’m having a sleepover because you had a rough day. It’s what best friends do, right?” He smiles at me. I pat Blake’s arm and he lets me go. I walk into Joey’s embrace and stand there for a while. Thank God, I have Joey in my life; he is my rock. I let go and stand away from him so I’m looking at both men.
“If you both insist on staying with me tonight, then we better get some food and a movie going. What’s a sleepover without junk food and a sappy 80’s movie?” I smile at them both. The look of relief on both of their faces is heartwarming. “I’m going to jump in the shower. When I come out, I’ll expect everything ready.” I wink at them both then head to my bedroom to shower.
After my long shower, I dig in my dressers looking for my favorite worn flannel pajamas. They are anything but flattering, but they’re perfect for a sleepover. At this point, I’m passed the playing cute part with Blake. I’m more at the take me or leave me part. I look over at the alarm clock on my nightstand and realize I’ve been in my room for almost an hour. I get off my bed and look at my reflection. No makeup, hair down wet and big pajamas. Yep, I obviously want Blake to run out of my house. Regardless, this is me. If he doesn’t like what he sees, he can pound sand. I shake my head and walk downstairs into the living room. The scent of Chinese food instantly makes my stomach grumble. I love Chinese food.
“Yum, that smells amazing!” I call out at no one in particular. I stop when I walk into the living room. They’ve transformed it completely. There are white Christmas lights hanging haphazardly around the room. The couches have been pushed back and a makeshift bed of blankets and pillows are on the floor in their place. Chinese takeout boxes are on the coffee table along with Corona’s fixed to my liking—lots of lime and rimmed with salt. They even have dog treats for Roger on the table. I notice the TV is playing Pretty Woman. It’s perfect. I feel the tears starting to fill my eyes, but before they can break free, Joey is headed in my direction.
“Enough with the tears, baby girl. Let’s enjoy the night, shall we?” he asks me.
I laugh. “Yes, JoJo, no more tears. The room is perfect,” I say as I’m still taking it all in.
“I will take credit for the food and beer, but the ambiance was set by Blake while I was out.”
“I hope you like it,” Blake says from the kitchen. I turn and watch him step into the room.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Angelica. I hope you don’t mind. I had to dig around to find your Christmas decorations.”
“I don’t mind at all.” I walk up to him and hug him then kiss his cheek. I turn and do the same to Joey. We all walk into the middle of the room and claim our spots then dig into our feast.
We fall into easy conversation over our late night meal and drinks. The movie is merely background noise. We sit and talk about nothing and everything. Roger seems to be hypersensitive, as he does not leave my side at all, not even when Joey tries to take him out back to pee. He is just as worried about me as the men are. I know they are both just trying to keep my mind busy. I love them for it. I needed this distraction. I lose count of how many beers I’ve had. Joey keeps them coming.
Blake clears our boxes then walks back into the room with containers of frozen yogurt. I just stare at him, trying not to cry from the gesture alone. He is so thoughtful. I smile at him as he hands me a spoon, then takes his seat to my left as Joey is at my right. We dig in. Cake batter, my favorite flavor. The movie ends and Joey doesn’t wait for the credits before he starts the next one, Drop Dead Fred. The movie always puts a smile on my face. As the movie goes on, I grow tired, so I burrow in the blankets and just rest my eyes. It’s been a long day and I’m emotionally drained. Maybe a week off is just wh
at I need to clear my mind and get me back on track. I don’t know how long I lay here contemplating my next move before I fall asleep.
We’re alone. Mommy left again with her friends. I run to my room as soon as she closes the front door, but I’m not fast enough. He reaches me before I get to the first step. Grabbing me by my hair, he drags me up to the guest bedroom and locks the door behind him. “Nice try, you little bitch. I told you the more you fight me the worse it will be.” Terrified, I sit frozen on the bed. I know if I cry, he will only hurt me more, and I’m tired of hurting. If I just lay there, he will be done with me soon enough. He takes his clothes off and tells me to do the same. I silently cry as I remove my shirt and shorts, my panties last. Making me move up the bed, he tells me to lay on my stomach. Wait, this isn’t right. He’s never made me lay on my stomach. I start to panic and he holds me down. I feel something cold on my butt, like water. Then I feel his privates on me only for a second before he shoves it into my butt as hard as he can...
“Angelica! Angelica! Wake up, baby girl. It’s just a dream.” Joey is shaking me awake. I snap my eyes open and look at him, breathless. Touching my cheeks, I feel the tears. Roger is alert at my side, barking loudly. I grab Joey and hug him as tightly as I can. “It’s okay, Angie. I’m here, and I will always be.”
He’s holding me just as tightly as I have him. Roger stops barking and sits at my side. I’m sobbing loudly at this point. I haven’t had a nightmare in over a year, but that man just has to be mentioned and I’m wrecked. Gasping, I remember it isn’t just Joey and me at home. I let go of him and turn to find Blake kneeling right behind me. I cover my mouth, mortified of what he just saw.
“Don’t you dare be embarrassed, Angelica. Are you all right?” Blake asks me as if reading my mind. I simply nod my response. He opens his arms for me and I hesitantly go into his embrace. He feels so good, comfortable and safe. Relaxing, I let him hold me for a minute. How can someone I barely know have such an effect on me? Eventually, I convince them both I am better and want to go back to bed and they tuck me in. I feel like a baby and I don’t like it, but I know they’re both just worried. I easily fall asleep and don’t wake until the morning.