Looking Back

by Looking Back (retail) (epub)

  It was half past ten when they left the pub. Outside, the weather had taken a turn for the worst, with the breeze blowing up to a cutting wind, and the skies full of rain clouds. ‘Looks like the summer’s well and truly over,’ Alfie said, turning up the collar of his jacket.

  How right he was, Molly thought. The summer was definitely over – in more ways than one.

  Strolling back to Victoria Street, he drew her close to keep her warm; the touch of her body against his sent a thrill right through him. ‘You’re doing things to me,’ he whispered, and guided her into a darkened doorway. ‘You drive a man crazy.’

  Pressing her to the wall, he murmured passionately, ‘I love you, Molly, more than you’ll ever know.’ For a long, wonderful moment he looked into her eyes, those pretty blue eyes that seemed so deep and mysterious tonight.

  ‘Kiss me,’ she whispered, raising her face to his. She needed him to kiss her – a long, melting kiss that lifted her soul and filled her with joy.

  When the kiss was over, Molly held on to him for what seemed an age. She had a feeling she would want to keep that kiss in her heart for ever and a day.

  In that dark, quiet corner, he wanted more, his arms tight about her, and his breathing ragged. ‘Nobody will see us,’ he murmured, and she knew it was true. ‘We’ve done it before, and got away with it.’ That was also true. But not tonight. There were other things on her mind tonight.

  She pushed him gently away. ‘Let’s go home, Alfie.’

  Yet again, he sensed there was something not quite right with her tonight. ‘Okay, if that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do.’ With one protective arm about her, he led her to the pavement and down the street towards home.

  With Molly fearing the minute when she must tell him, and Alfie sensing trouble, there was not a word spoken the whole way.

  Rosie was anxious to see them. One look at Molly’s face and the shake of her head, told the older woman she hadn’t yet found the right moment.

  ‘I’ll be off,’ she said quickly. ‘Leave youse two to yourselves.’ Lifting her coat from the back of the chair where she’d thrown it, she gave a hurried account of her evening. ‘Lottie’s gone out. She got up a few minutes after you left and took herself off to God knows where.’

  Molly had expected it. ‘She’ll find her way back,’ she said flatly. ‘She always does, and anyway it’s bitter cold out there tonight.’

  ‘The childer are sleeping like little angels. Bertha had a nightmare but she’s all right now.’

  ‘Did Dad come home?’

  Rosie shook her head. ‘I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him.’

  ‘Thanks then, Rosie.’

  ‘Right! I’ll see you the morrow.’ Widening her eyes, she sent Molly a message. ‘Mind how you go, darlin’.’ It was a warning to impart her news carefully, gently. ‘See ye later, son.’ Then she was gone before he could even open his mouth.

  Alfie was bemused. ‘What the devil’s wrong with her?’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘You saw her! She couldn’t get away quick enough.’ No one was behaving normally tonight.

  Molly took off her coat and hung it on the nail behind the door. ‘I expect she’s tired.’

  But he knew it was more than that. ‘Women!’ he smiled. ‘What would we do without ’em, eh?’ Taking Molly into his arms, he kissed her again, on the neck, down in the hollow of her throat, and on her mouth – every kiss a memory. ‘We’re home now,’ he whispered passionately, and she knew what he meant.

  Molly had never needed him more than she did right now. When he laid her tenderly on the floor, she closed her eyes and savoured the moment. His hands were all over her, gently caressing, exciting her senses until she forgot everything else. They were taking a chance, for either Lottie or Frank could have come home suddenly and burst in on them, but Molly wanted Alfie so badly, she threw caution and care to the wind.

  She felt her jumper being pushed up and his long, strong fingers reaching to cup her breast. With the tip of his tongue he teased her nipples.

  She did not resist when he took off her stockings, then her panties, and now he was on her, naked from the waist down, hard against her thigh. A few moments and then he was inside her. Warm and thrilling, he moved her body with his.

  At the height of their passion Molly looked into his eyes, and her love for him was all-consuming.

  * * *

  Afterwards, when passion was spent and cold reality took hold, Molly was swamped with guilt. Silently, she dressed herself, unable to look her lover in the face, knowing what she must do. And now it was a thousand times worse.

  Going to the dresser, she took out a jar of elderberry wine, bought from some old Romany woman and never opened. ‘Want some?’ Holding up the jar, she took two glasses from the cupboard.

  Alfie quietly regarded her for a moment. ‘No, thanks.’ Pulling on his trousers, he thought how tense she seemed tonight. It worried him.

  When a moment later she came to sit beside the fire, glass in hand, he sat astride the chair-arm and looked down on her with troubled eyes. Voicing the question that was playing on his mind, he asked softly, ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’

  Raising her drink, she gulped it down, gasping aloud when the fiery liquid scalded her throat. She had hoped it might give her the courage she needed, but it only left her empty.

  In another minute her whole life would change for ever. If only her mam would miraculously walk in through that door, everything would be all right. She even glanced up at the door, as though to greet her.

  Convinced there really was someone there, Alfie spun round. He was bewildered by her behaviour.

  ‘What’s wrong with you?’ he asked. ‘You’ve been strange all night, and now I ask you a question and you can’t even give me a straightforward answer.’

  The tears burned behind her eyes but she mustn’t let him see. ‘I’m sorry.’ It sounded so inadequate.

  Alfie grew afraid. He could see the tears in her eyes and the slight tremble of her hand as she brought her glass up again. ‘No more, Molly!’ Taking the wine from her, he placed it on the table. ‘Not until you tell me what’s going on, and I’m not leaving here until you do.’

  Folding her hands one into the other, she stared at the fire. ‘You’re right,’ she answered, ‘I have got something to tell you. The trouble is, I don’t know how to start.’

  ‘At the beginning is usually a good place.’ The anger spilled over into his voice.

  Taking a deep breath, she got out of the chair and began pacing the floor. ‘It’s about you and me,’ she began hesitantly. ‘I can’t wed you, Alfie. It’s all got to be cancelled – the wedding plans, me going to America with you. I can’t be part of it, not any more.’

  ‘What!’ Alfie was shocked to his roots. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Just let me explain,’ she pleaded. ‘Something’s happened. It’s changed everything. I’ve been wanting to tell you…’

  One minute he was shaking his head slowly from side to side, as if trying to shrug off what was going through his mind. The next minute he had leaped from the chair. Grabbing her by the arms, he shook her. ‘My God! Now I understand. There’s someone else, isn’t there? That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me!’

  ‘NO!’ Molly was shocked he could even think such a thing.

  His voice breaking with emotion, he pleaded, ‘Don’t lie to me. Don’t take me for a fool.’ Thrusting her away he kept his distance, his face contorted with disgust. ‘But then, I must be a bloody fool, or I would have seen it. Lately you’ve been acting strange.’ Throwing back his head, he groaned. ‘You’ve met somebody else, and you want rid of me, that’s it, isn’t it?’

  Grabbing her again, he held her still, his face looking down on hers, the pain in his eyes awful to see. ‘For God’s sake, Molly, be honest with me.’

  She opened her mouth to explain how he couldn’t be more wrong, when like a bolt out of the blue, it came to
her how it could all be settled quickly, though not painlessly. Never painlessly. Unwittingly, Alfie had given her a way out.

  ‘All right!’ Feigning anger, she broke away from him. ‘I have met somebody else, only I didn’t know how to tell you.’ Her voice softened. ‘I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,’ she said truthfully. ‘You have to believe that.’ She wondered how she could sound so calm, when inside she was in such turmoil.

  Grey-faced, he pulled away from her. ‘Who is he?’

  When she shook her head, as if refusing to tell, he gave a small, cynical laugh. ‘I see.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Alfie.’ In the circumstances, there was nothing more she could say.

  He turned to collect his jacket, and when he looked back she was standing there, head bowed, her heart like a lead weight inside her. When she felt his gaze on her, she almost ran to him and told him it was all a lie, all a trick to make him turn against her so he could follow his dream without a conscience.

  For what seemed an age neither of them spoke. Eventually, when he walked to the front door, she watched from the parlour doorway.

  At the door he paused, his head low, his voice accusing. ‘We made love,’ he murmured. ‘How could you bring yourself to do that, when you knew all along?’ A moment later and he was gone, out of the house. Out of her life.

  The sound of the door clicking shut echoed in her brain. Closing her eyes, she leaned back against the wall and sobbed shamelessly.

  ‘Don’t cry, Molly. Please don’t cry.’ Bertha was at the top of the stairs, unsure of what was happening, and scared by the sound of her big sister crying.

  Molly ran upstairs and folded the child to her. ‘It’s all right,’ she murmured, kissing the rosy cheek and carrying Bertha back to bed. But it wasn’t all right.

  How could it be?

  Chapter Eleven

  It was midnight when Lottie came home, arrogant as ever, and looking for a fight. ‘Don’t go up yet.’ Molly had waited for her and now she stood by the parlour door, barring the younger girl’s way.

  ‘What are you playing at?’ Lottie had never seen Molly so serious. ‘I’m going upstairs, so you’d better clear off out of my way.’

  ‘Sit down. I’ve got something important to tell you.’

  ‘What’s so bloody important it can’t wait till tomorrow?’

  ‘Sit down. Please!’

  ‘Not if it means another damned lecture, I won’t!’ Pushing hard against Molly she tried forcing her way through, and was surprised when the other girl stood her ground. ‘All right, but be quick,’ she snapped, backing off. ‘I need my sleep.’

  When Lottie was sitting down, Molly came and sat beside her. This time there was no hesitation. ‘Mam’s gone.’ The words were like a slap in the face to Lottie.

  Springing out of the chair, she regarded Molly with suspicion. ‘What d’yer mean, “Mam’s gone”? Gone where?’

  Molly asked her to sit down again, and when Lottie fell into the chair opposite, she confessed, ‘I don’t know where she’s gone.’ Reaching into her pocket she handed Lottie the note. ‘She left this.’

  While Lottie read the letter, Molly paced the floor. Telling her sister had not been easy. Telling her father would be even harder.

  ‘Oh God! How could she do this?’ Dropping the letter to the floor, Lottie scrambled out of the chair and ran to the door. Flinging it open, she went up the stairs two at a time and into her room.

  Placing the letter on the table, Molly followed more slowly. She knew how her sister was feeling, for hadn’t she felt exactly the same herself? Besides, bad as she was, Lottie was still only a kid. Her mam leaving them for good was a lot to take in.

  Molly found her looking out the window at the night sky, her face drained and streaked with tears. ‘Come back downstairs,’ she suggested kindly. ‘It’s not good to be up here on your own.’

  Lottie’s face hardened. ‘Leave me alone!’ Folding her arms, she deliberately turned her back.

  Recalling how she herself had wanted to be on her own when she first read that damnable letter, Molly understood. ‘All right, love. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.’

  She was out on the landing, about to close the door behind her, when a muffled voice called her back. ‘Moll. Wait!’

  Molly turned and went back in.

  ‘She might come back… mightn’t she?’ Lottie’s voice trembled.

  Molly shook her head sadly. ‘I don’t think so, love. You’ve read the letter. It seems final enough to me.’

  ‘Was it because of me?’ Lottie’s face twitched nervously. ‘Tell me the truth, Molly. Did I drive her away?’

  ‘She’s got herself another man – another life. That’s what she said in the letter.’ Molly hated the pain she was causing and tried her best to lessen it. ‘No, Lottie. Of course it wasn’t because of you.’

  Suddenly, the girl was in Molly’s arms, sobbing as if her heart would break. ‘I don’t want her to run away. I want her to come back. Please, Molly, make her come back. I’ll behave myself, I promise I will!’ Then she couldn’t talk any more, and Molly held her close, her own tears rolling down her face.

  Life was so cruel.

  * * *

  The mantelpiece clock was striking two o’clock when Frank Tattersall finally came home. It was a wonder he managed to get up at six of a morning, Molly often thought, with the hours he kept.

  Her heart in her mouth, she had waited up for him after Lottie had cried herself to sleep. If she didn’t tell him tonight, he would find out another way, and life wouldn’t be worth living.

  Red-faced and merry, he came through the parlour door, visibly taken aback to see Molly there. ‘Time you were in bed, my girl,’ he grumbled.

  Having dozed intermittently, Molly stared at him through bleary eyes. ‘I’ve been waiting up for you.’

  ‘Oh, have you now?’ Turning aside, he beckoned, and a scrawny redhead appeared. Gesturing at his daughter, he told the woman, ‘This silly little bitch thinks I’m some snotty-nosed kid to be told off when I’m home late.’

  He swaggered into the room. ‘Well, I’m home now,’ he hissed, ‘so you can sod off to bed, and be quick about it.’ With his arm round the woman he said, ‘Can’t you see I’ve got company?’ And the two of them started giggling.

  Calm and collected, Molly got out of her chair. Perhaps it would be easier with a stranger present. ‘I have a letter for you,’ she said, and taking it from the table, she held it out to him.

  Frank stared up at her, his face creased in a frown. ‘What the devil do I want with a letter! Have you gone mad, girl?’

  ‘It’s from Mam.’ She thrust it closer to him, her eyes never leaving his. ‘I think you’d better read it.’

  Seeing she would not leave until he took the letter, Frank snatched it from her. ‘She must have gone off her head!’ he sneered. ‘What’s the idea anyway? Bleedin’ letters. I thought she were due out any day now, and about time, too, the lazy whore.’ Squashing the letter under the cushion, he said, ‘I’ll read it later. I’ve more pressing business for the minute.’ Winking at the woman he added slyly, ‘It can wait till me company’s gone.’

  Molly was adamant. ‘I think you should read it now.’

  ‘I don’t give a toss what you think,’ he growled. ‘Are you bloody deaf or what?’ Making a move towards her he threatened, ‘I thought I told you to get upstairs!’

  ‘Please yourself,’ Molly retorted. ‘I just thought you’d like to know about it before the whole street starts gossiping. I didn’t want you to find out that way, but if you’re not bothered about folks knowing your business before you do, that’s fine. Tear it up. Burn it. What do I care?’ With that she departed the room, and left him to his giggling company.

  Just as she had suspected, the minute she had gone, he picked up the letter and began reading it, his jaw dropping in disbelief as he took in the words.

  Molly was halfway up the stairs when she heard him yelling, ‘Get out of ’ere,
you old hag! Get back to the bloody streets where yer belong!’

  Pausing, Molly looked down to see her father manhandling the redhead out the front door. When he saw Molly on the stair, he ordered, ‘You! Get back down ’ere this minute.’

  Taking her time, she returned to the parlour.

  Wild-eyed and furious, Frank flung the offending letter across the table. ‘What’s all this bloody nonsense then? What game does she think she’s playing?’

  ‘It’s no game.’

  Appearing not to have heard, he gave a nervous little laugh. ‘Happen she’s heard rumours about them street-women who keep following me home.’ Pacing up and down, he was like a man demented. ‘Well, I’ll soon put paid to that, ’cos I’m off to the ’orspital right now, and just let the buggers try and throw me out this time!’

  ‘It’s no good you going there.’ Molly thought it amazing how the shock of that letter seemed to have sobered him up. ‘If you read the letter properly, you’ll know she’s not there.’

  ‘She’s bloody there all right, but not for long, ’cos I’m fetching her back ’ere, where she belongs.’

  ‘You’re not listening to me, are you?’ Molly had expected him to go berserk and turn the place upside down. Instead, it seemed like all the stuffing had been knocked out of him.

  Looking at Molly, he cocked his head to one side, his eyes too bright, his voice beginning to crack. ‘Aye, that’s what I’ll do. Yer mam’s had time enough now.’ Running his hands frantically through his thinning hair, he said, ‘No wonder she’s writing silly stuff like that. She’ll be going out of her mind in that place. Oh, aye. Once our Amy’s home, this damned house might get back to normal.’

  When he grabbed up his coat from the sofa Molly cried out to him, ‘It’s no use you going to the infirmary. She’s not there!’

  He paused in the doorway, coat in hand, head bowed and his back to her. ‘Don’t go fooling yourself,’ she told him harshly, hating him. ‘Mam’s gone, thanks to you, and judging by that letter, she’s never coming back.’