The Girl I Used to Know

by Faith Hogan

  Amanda took a deep breath, what she was about to do now was going to take far more courage than she’d ever given herself credit for. ‘Where are your bags?’ she looked wildly about the kitchen, but there was no sign of a suitcase or any kind of travel bag. ‘Did you bring your things with you?’ she asked him now, eyeballing him so there was no room for him to fudge.

  ‘Yes, I put them in the spare room, for now…’ he said almost against hope.

  ‘For now?’ Amanda threw her eyes up to heaven and darted through the kitchen door. She took the stairs two steps at a time and rounded into the spare room. She had the contents of the drawers emptied into his bag before he made the landing. The whole lot was packed before he could make an argument to stay. ‘It’s very simple Richard. This is my home now. This is the children’s home. We’ve told them that you’ve left. I’ve told them that we don’t love each other in the same way anymore. They understand that. They get it. I’m not having them confused for one thing and for another…’ She heaved the bag towards the door, took a final look about the room, checked she had everything in. ‘I don’t love you anymore. Maybe I haven’t loved you for longer than I realised when you left, but I’m sure of it now. There’s no way for us to go back, Richard, not now.’

  She shook her head. She felt no sadness, only a tinge of regret at all the years she’d wasted being someone she wasn’t meant to be. She realised, had it not been for the fact that she hadn’t wanted him to end up with Arial, she might not have felt as much sadness before either.

  ‘And, in case you’re wondering,’ she said as she yanked the bag down each step, bump by bump, ‘this is not about Arial, it never was. I stopped loving you long before you took up with her, I just didn’t realise it.’ She pulled the bag out the door, noticed that she’d torn her lovely expensive wallpaper along the stairs, but really, what did a scrap of wallpaper matter in the greater scheme of things? She didn’t like it much anymore anyway.

  ‘You don’t know what you’re saying, Amanda,’ Richard said and he found his second wind. ‘You’ve been drinking? It’s affecting your decision making.’ She tossed him his jacket and half pushed him out the door. ‘You’re seeing someone else, is that it?’ He was clutching at straws, trying to make sense of all this. His voice sounded as though it was verging on tears as she banged the door behind her. She knew if she looked out at him now, she might just crack. He would look vulnerable and pitiful standing on the doorstep in the cold, his bags at his feet, his face shocked and his expression defeated. Amanda chose not to look out the window at all. Instead she made her way back into the study that had until now been Richard’s. She decided that she would make it into a storage area for her paintings.

  It really was a little haven of a room. Admittedly, it was west-facing, cut off from every sound, with only the evening sunlight to illuminate it, but you could do so much with artificial lighting these days. She stood with her back to the door for a long time, imagining what it would be like to fill it with canvases. It would be cathartic, emptying every bit of Richard from this room. She would have fun putting her own stamp on it. First off, she would paint a nice big canvas for the kitchen. Something cheerful and bright? Or perhaps, something sultry, sexy – Italian?

  Amanda threw her head back and laughed a throaty chuckle that was new to her. She felt alive, ready to take on the world and, with Tess at her side, she had a feeling it would be quite a ride.

  Chapter 44

  February 24 – Tuesday

  It took Tess a moment to place Stephen’s voice when he rang much too early one morning. He sounded different – taller if that was possible on the phone.

  ‘I had to ring you,’ he was almost out of breath. ‘I’ve just come off the phone with… um, well, that is, I’ve heard something marvellous… and I had to tell you…’ his excitement was contagious.

  ‘You’re being very mysterious, Stephen,’ she laughed, in spite of herself, he had that effect on her all the time, she found herself smiling when he spoke to her. Funny how she hadn’t noticed it before.

  ‘No. Me, never,’ Stephen said mildly.

  ‘Oh, yes you are, what’s up?’

  ‘Okay, well, if I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone else. I mean, we really should wait until it’s official and tell the whole choir together. After all, it’s…’

  ‘I promise, it’ll be our secret,’ she laughed again now, had a feeling this could only be good news.

  ‘We’ve been invited to perform in Salzburg, next year. I mean, we are being officially invited. They made overtures that night, you know, when I spoke to them after the performance, but I was afraid to say anything until I heard more, just in case, but today it arrived, an email from the President himself. They’d want us to be part of their closing performance; it’s a great compliment to the group.’

  ‘Oh my God, Stephen, how did you manage to keep it under your hat for this long?’ It was weeks since the concert. Tess had a feeling that she would have burst if she had to hold in this kind of news.

  ‘Not easy, let me tell you.’ He laughed now, a real belly laugh. ‘I suppose now we’re in cahoots, are you sure you can keep it a secret until I tell the rest of the choir, you know how some of the other members can be a bit precious about… things.’

  ‘Oh, Stephen, you know, I’ve kept bigger secrets than this, if you can get them to meet without spilling the beans as easily as you did to me, then I can keep quiet on my end.’

  ‘Ah, it’ll be easier not to tell them, that’s why I rang you first.’

  ‘Well, thank you.’ Tess knew in there he had managed to include some kind of compliment. ‘Do you want a hand to gather them up? I’ve an hour here to spare; I could make half the calls for you?’ It was such a joy to have the days to herself, she felt outrageously fortunate to be liberated from the nine to five. Her bold move into sudden retirement had goaded Stephen to finally do the same. She knew that for all his talk, he’d been as scared as she at the idea of being alone if he did not have a place to go each day. She suspected he was the kind of man who would have been ‘good’ at being married. The fact that he hadn’t rushed back up the aisle again made her wonder if she really knew him as well as she sometimes thought she did. He set her straight on their journey back from Ballycove that day. There had been opportunities to settle down over the last few years, but something always held him back, and then he’d winked at her and she had known more than if he put the words between them. She was very glad he hadn’t.

  ‘Would you do that for me?’ Stephen’s enthusiasm brought her back to the present.

  ‘Of course. I’ll call the women and you call all the men, how’s that?’ It was the least she could do, after all, things were different now.

  ‘And, maybe in return…’

  ‘There’s no need for any return, Stephen, I’m only helping you out.’

  ‘Well…’ she could hear him fumbling, as if perhaps the phone had fallen from his hand. ‘Here’s the thing,’ his voice was clearer now, ‘I wondered if you might come along to see La Bohème, I’ve managed to get two tickets for Sunday night and… just us, you know…’ his voice turned into a mumble.

  Tess held the phone away from her for a moment. A deep blush travelled from her neck to the top of her forehead, then she took a deep breath.

  ‘You’re asking me to the Opera?’ she had to check, it was so long since anyone had asked her anywhere. ‘On a date?’

  ‘Well, yes, that is I want you to come with me, I thought we might…’ Again, he seemed to sink into a bashfulness that was so unlike the person she knew him to be from the moment they met, but Tess found it oddly endearing. It was easy, not threatening or judging. ‘Well, would you, go on a date with me?’ Yes, she liked it very much.

  ‘I’d love to come,’ she said and she could almost hear him exhale his relief on the other end of the line. ‘Let’s make a plan after we’ve contacted everyone about Salzburg.’

  Tess put down the phone and whooped. The
sound brought Robyn running from the porch a startled expression on her face.

  ‘What, what is it, is everything all right?’ She stood nervously at the door; even Matt looked a little scared.

  ‘I’m going on a date. A proper date, to the Opera!’ Tess flopped back in her chair, she was ready for this, finally ready to start living again. ‘No, I’m definitely going on a date.’

  Epilogue

  Salzburg

  In June, Salzburg was much warmer than Amanda expected, but perhaps that had more to do with being surrounded by the people she loved than it had with the blazing sun or the vivid colours of the Mirabelle Palace and Gardens. At the same time, there was something of a light breeze that held upon it an optimistic whisper that the winds in her life had changed direction, something she didn’t realise she’d so badly needed, not long ago. When Amanda turned to Carlos, she could see he felt it too; it was more a sentiment that floated between them than something she could put into words.

  ‘I will go back to Dublin, inspired,’ he smiled, catching her hand in his. ‘Thank you,’ he kissed her fingers gently.

  ‘Oh, don’t thank me, I’m still a little surprised that Richard wanted to pay for us all to stay in the best hotel in the city.’ Amanda shook her head. Funny how things work out. Here she was, strolling through Salzburg with Carlos, while Richard was still on that treadmill, running furiously to catch the promotion; he thought would make him happy. At least he had Ariel. They seemed to be bumping along together, if not exactly contentedly, then at least resignedly. Amanda had greeted the news that Ariel was pregnant with much more enthusiasm than Richard had. She had a feeling that becoming mired in nappies and night feeds had not been part of his original plan. Ah well, c’est la vie, she thought. Richard had handed over their tickets to Salzburg with a wistful smile, knowing perhaps that he was in for another decade of theme parks and water slides. It made it even easier for Amanda to count her lucky stars at how their lives had changed.

  ‘We’ll both be inspired going home,’ she said and she meant it. She’d taken hundreds of photos over the last few days and she was dying to get painting as soon as she got back to Swift square. ‘We should be getting back,’ she smiled at Carlos, ‘they will be waiting for us.’ It was fifteen minutes to the hotel and Amanda intended to walk it slowly, drag out their last evening in Salzburg, times like this, she knew were worth treasuring. So, they walked along hand in hand, admiring again the baroque architecture, carried away on their own fizzing happiness.

  ‘You know, I want to ask you again…’ Carlos pulled her close to him, his dark eyes still had that stomach flipping effect on her. Still, occasionally, she wanted to pinch herself that he’d fallen for her every bit as much as she had for him, ‘but I have a feeling that I already know the answer.’ He smiled, they were happy, it was all that mattered.

  ‘Not yet,’ Amanda felt his arms snake around her back, it was a good feeling. She knew where she was with him and the fact that he wanted to marry her was enough for now. ‘Anyway, you don’t want to take Stephen’s moment of glory, do you?’ She laughed.

  ‘True enough,’ Carlos agreed. ‘Speaking of which,’ he kissed the tip of her nose, before checking his watch, ‘we really should be getting back.’

  *

  Stephen picked the restaurant, months before they’d arrived. It wasn’t the most expensive, but it was a perfect blend of stylish and homely and the hotel manager said the food was the best in the city. A table for seven, by the window – they had a view of the river and the cathedral in the distance. The Festival was the most magical experience of the trip so far. Tess was invited to sing solo and perhaps it made up a little for all those missing years, but Amanda had a feeling that Tess was too happy to feel she’d really missed anything at all now. Perhaps it was being with Nancy also, it turned out that her life had not been so charmed as Tess always believed. That cemented the sisters’ relationship even more. Mostly, though, it bloomed because Tess was ready to forgive and move on and Nancy poured every ounce of love she had into it until Tess could measure up to her.

  Amanda couldn’t help looking around the table; she was lucky to have all of these people who between them meant the world to her. Casper, her lovely bright son, who smiled all the time now, had applied for Art College. It turned out, far from being like his father; he was becoming more like Amanda with every passing day. All he wanted was to paint and play music. Robyn loved to paint too, and maybe, she could study design, but she’d set her heart on becoming a vet, so Amanda had a feeling that she’d be seeing more than just the neighbours’ cat wandering about the place. Nancy and Stephen had become her friends, far better than Nicola or any of the others that believed they had cast her out of those torturous coffee mornings at the Berkley. Carlos, dark and sexy on her left was part of her family now too. He’d managed to wiggle his way in, slowly but steadily, winning over first Tess and then the kids with his open, easy ways. He was generous and funny and it seemed that these days he spent more time in Swift square than he did anywhere else. But, it was Tess, sitting opposite her who had come to mean so much to her and so she smiled across at her, excited and happy about the future that was spreading out before them.

  Tonight, it felt to Amanda, as though they were all holding their breath, waiting for something and it was hard to believe that Tess didn’t feel it too.

  ‘It’s such a lovely place,’ Tess murmured looking around the restaurant and when she smiled at Amanda it seemed she had transformed into the kind of woman she was always meant to be. Everything in her life had changed so utterly. Here tonight, Tess glowed. The woman that Amanda used to know was gone and in her place, Tess beamed at her modern, if somewhat unconventional family. ‘Champagne?’ she looked at Stephen curiously and Nancy giggled. It was a nervous, girlish sound and it reminded them she was happy to be here, counted as one of them, her family too, she belonged with them now. Robyn reached out and held her hand; they were as excited as each other at what lay ahead.

  ‘Yes, I think so,’ Stephen said handing her a glass. ‘I think we have plenty to celebrate, don’t you?’ It was true. Within a year, Tess and Amanda had settled around them the kind of family they’d both always wanted.

  ‘Stephen,’ Casper elbowed him, handed him a small round box containing the ring that Nancy, Amanda and Robyn helped him find for Tess.

  ‘Oh, yes.’ Stephen stood, pushed back his chair and dropped to one knee. He’d spent the last few days practising this, since Robyn told him he’d have to do it properly. ‘I have something to ask you, Tess.’ He cleared his throat and Amanda felt a tremor of emotion rise up within her. ‘Would you do me the honour of becoming…’ he opened the box to show an antique emerald ring that looked as though the jeweller had carved it with Tess in his thoughts. ‘Becoming my wife?’ He finished between a nervous smile and tears of happiness.

  ‘Oh, Stephen,’ Tess said leaning forward and putting her arms around his neck. ‘You silly old thing,’ she mumbled into his ears, ‘of course I’ll marry you.’ Then she pulled back a little from him, a tear escaping down her cheek. ‘I’m so happy,’ she said helping him to his feet, but the tears were hardly noticed because the whole restaurant was cheering and clapping and Amanda thought, this is surely what it means to live happily ever after.

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  Acknowledgements

  About Faith Hogan

  A Letter from the Author

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  Acknowledgements

  All books begin with an idea of some sort, be it a person, a place or a question. To make the journey from an idea, to a story, to a book, it takes not just writing, but buttoning up, ironing out and a damn good editor. I’ve h
ad the best – Caroline Ridding, who took my final draft and managed to find two weeks of solid work within it – thank you, it has catapulted the story to a whole new level, it was very much worth every dotted ‘i’!

  The Aria girls – the nicest bunch around – it is such a joy to work with each of you!

  Thank you to Judith Murdoch, for your keen eye and sound advice. You have been, as always, full of editorial wisdom, funny stories and strategies to brighten any day – it is very much appreciated.

  Thank you to Helen Falconer who looked over this story when it was still a baby and saw within it what it could become.

  Thank you to all the lovely people who have in any way helped to bring this book into the world, all friends in the guise of colleagues, reviewers, bloggers and readers – I’ve loved talking books with you, each and every conversation makes it all even greater!