The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  There was a brief silence.

  “That’s why Merzia is so important to Kasimirh,” Yvar mumbled.

  “He is determined to conquer Merzia, but it won’t be like in those other cities. My master will come to live here. Nadesh will never be the same again,” Lilith whispered.

  Ferhdessar nodded.

  “Now what?” Lilith whispered in a worried voice. If the circumstances had been different, she might have been able to laugh at the irony of the fact that she had fled to the most important place in Kasimirh’s plans. Instead, she was feeling increasingly anxious. She bowed her head and buried her face in her hands.

  “You don’t have to worry about all of this, Lilith. There’s nothing you can do about it. You may leave,” Ferhdessar said.

  When she was halfway to the door, the king suddenly said, “Thank you, Lilith, for coming to tell us straight away.”

  “I’m sorry that I always bring you bad news,” Lilith whispered in response, and then she looked at Ferhdessar. “I really want to help you prevent this from happening.”

  The sorcerer smiled and accompanied her to the door. “That makes me very happy, Lilith.”

  The king waited until Ferhdessar was seated next to him again. Then he continued the conversation they’d been having before Lilith had interrupted them. The information she had given them didn’t change much about anything. It only emphasized the gravity of the situation.

  “All right, let’s recapitulate,” the king said. “What are our options?”

  “Resist or surrender. Those are our options.”

  “And you think we should attack…”

  “I don’t look at it as an attack. Kasimirh has made the first move. Several moves, to be precise. If we were to go to battle now, it would be a defensive action.” Ferhdessar shrugged, as if to indicate that it was an open-and-shut case. His voice even betrayed some irritation. “We’ve talked about this many times before, Yvar. My views haven’t changed.”

  Yvar merely shook his head. “But what are the consequences of our choices?”

  Ferhdessar raised his eyebrows. This question changed the course of the conversation. “If we resist, Merzia will remain the Merzia that many have fought for in the past. Your father even died defending the values and beliefs of this country.

  If we were to surrender, Kasimirh will submit your subjects to his rule. And I don’t even have to start about the consequences for you personally. Kasimirh has made your future under his rule abundantly clear. Lilith’s words only confirm this.”

  “Is it really that simple?”

  “Isn’t war always that simple? You have two choices: you’re either for or against. Everything in the middle won’t get you anywhere. Neutrality isn’t an option this time. Nadesh is Kasimirh’s target.”

  They both remained quiet for a long time.

  “It’s not as black and white as you make it out to be, Ferhdessar. If only it were that simple. There are so many other things to consider. So much is uncertain. What if this man is truly serving Jakob? The consequences would be incalculable. According to Kasimirh, Jakob will destroy the world if we don’t follow Him.”

  “According to Kasimirh, indeed…” The sneering undertone didn’t leave any doubt as to Ferhdessar’s feelings about the other sorcerer’s threats. “But if he’s a false prophet…” he continued immediately.

  “Exactly, uncertainties.”

  There was another silence between them. Yvar opened the book that Kasimirh had sent him and leafed through it without reading the words. Ferhdessar had read the book too. It hadn’t convinced him that the sorcerer was telling the truth. Nevertheless, it was put together well, and he could imagine its appeal to gullible people. He hadn’t expected, however, that it would make Yvar question things.

  The king slammed the book closed.

  “What is religion?”

  Ferhdessar looked up in surprise.

  “What’s the difference between what you and I believe and what Kasimirh believes?” the king clarified.

  “I see quite substantial differences. We believe in multiple Gods who keep the world balanced. Kasimirh regards Jakob as the only God. One who can do whatever He wishes. Our Gods don’t incite violence, Jakob, as the only God, apparently does.”

  “But we pray to Jakob as well. Isn’t the only difference between all the religions in the world that we use different names? Couldn’t it be that all our Gods are nothing but different names for the various character traits of one single God? We all believe in something that created the world and has the power to destroy it again. A power that created everything and gave us life.”

  “There are so many differences. The way that we experience our faith, the rituals we perform. I know of tribes who sacrifice people to their Gods. I’d rather compare them to the Naftalians than to us.”

  Yvar nodded. “But our rituals are imposed by people. Leaders within the religious community tell us to carry them out. I’m talking about the basic principles.”

  Ferhdessar reluctantly agreed. “But I repeat: is Kasimirh a true prophet or a man bent on power? Is he a crazy sorcerer that we need to put a stop to?”

  “I don’t know,” Yvar sighed. He was leaning his elbows on the armrests and held the tips of his fingers against each other. He bowed his head until his lips touched his index fingers.

  “I think it’s the latter,” Ferhdessar answered his own question. “It isn’t Jakob who’s behind all of this, it’s a sorcerer who has gone astray. The Gods have nothing to do with this.”

  “I don’t know,” Yvar sighed again. “I’m not even sure which answer I hope for.”

  Ferhdessar banged his fist on the table. “Kasimirh can’t be acting on the authority of Jakob.”

  This whole situation was getting him more and more concerned. Ever since Yvar had received the box, Ferhdessar was having dreams about Lilith’s master. They were standing across from each other, saying nothing, and Ferhdessar had an overwhelming feeling that he knew the prophet. It was extremely frustrating to him that he woke up every time when Kasimirh was getting ready to pull down his hood to reveal himself. He was racking his brain to remember where he knew the other sorcerer from, but the answer kept slipping away from him.

  “I’ll ask Anukasan to come over. He might be able to discover more about what Kasimirh has been up to the past few weeks.”

  The king agreed, and they ended their conversation.

  13

  Lilith woke up from a soft knock on her door. She stretched and sat up. It was dark in the room because the heavy curtains were closed, and Lilith had no idea what time it was. There was another knock on the door.

  “Come in.”

  Lamplight drove away the darkness as Ghalatea entered.

  “Is there something wrong?” Lilith asked with concern, looking at the clock. It wasn’t time to get up yet, but it wasn’t much earlier either.

  “I’m sorry to have woken you, but I came to tell you that you don’t have to work today. I have a message for you.” The Ancilla Princeps handed her an envelope and put the blanket, which had slipped down, back on the bed. “Maybe you’ll be able to catch some more sleep.”

  Lilith turned on the light and studied the envelope. It had her name written on it in an unfamiliar but neat handwriting. She turned the envelope over, but there wasn’t anything written on the back. Curious, Lilith opened the flap and pulled out the card. Her eyes raced to the final line. “Love, Chrys,” it said.

  It made her smile, but she also felt nervous. Lilith hadn’t been in touch since she had left him behind at the fountain a few days ago. He must have been wondering why she had left in such a great hurry.

  To her great relief he didn’t mention the incident in his note. He only asked her to come to the Great Hall later that morning. Lilith looked at the clock again. She had three hours left. More than enough time to catch a couple more hours of sleep and get ready. After she had turned out the light, she soon fell asleep again.

  Even
though she’d had more than enough time, Lilith still needed to hurry when she woke up the second time. It was strange to walk through the palace at this time of day. Everywhere she looked, she saw servants who were hard at work, and on any other day Lilith would have been one of them. Normally, she would have been at it for several hours by now, and it would be time for a short break. But today she hadn’t even had breakfast yet.

  A surprise awaited her in the Great Hall. The light behind the dome was on, but apart from a few candles in the middle of the hall, all the other lights were off. There were also some cushions piled up next to the candles. Chrys immediately got up when she came in.

  “Could you bolt the door, please?’

  Lilith did as he asked. Chrys greeted her with a kiss on her cheek.

  “Why didn’t you come to see me again?”

  “I was busy.”

  “That’s what the Ancilla Princeps told me as well. But you do know that this is my last day in Nadesh, right?”

  She nodded.

  “I think we should talk.”

  “You’re right.” Lilith knew that they needed to talk, but that was exactly why she had been avoiding him. She didn’t want to have to make up any more excuses.

  “I’m glad you agree.” He held her hand. Then he gestured at the breakfast that was waiting for them. “Let’s eat. I’d like this to be a lovely day during which we can get to know each other better.” There was a look of mischief in his eyes. “I’ve abused my authority somewhat. The Hall is closed today because I have to study the dome. So now we have the place to ourselves.” Lilith laughed.

  While they were eating, Chrys asked, “What was it that made you take off so suddenly? Was it something I said?”

  Lilith almost choked and shook her head.

  “Was it the location or something that happened?”

  “It wasn’t you. It was everything at once. It made me remember something important.”

  “I’ve been worried about you.” He caressed her hand and gave her a worried look.

  “Really?”

  “Of course.”

  “That’s sweet of you, but there was no need.”

  Chrys bowed his head. He wrapped his fingers around her hand. “I have to admit that it bothers me that you don’t trust me. Trust should be the foundation of a relationship. You should feel so safe around me that you would tell me anything, no matter how strange.” He eyed her seriously. “I keep running into the same wall. Does it have anything to do with your past?”

  Lilith felt sorry for him. “Please believe me when I say that I wish I could tell you everything. But you’re right, it’s about my past. I can’t talk about it and that has nothing to do with trust. I do trust you, Chrys. But you won’t be able to understand what happened. Can’t we just focus on the future and leave the past behind us?”

  “I don’t know if that’s the solution, but I am willing to give you some more time.”

  “Thank you for being prepared to do that for me.”

  “Can I ask you one last question? It’s not about your past, it’s about the present.”

  Lilith felt anxious, but nevertheless she answered, “I’ll answer your question truthfully if I can. Otherwise, I’ll tell you that I can’t talk about it.”

  “That’s okay.”

  He took hold of her left hand and rolled up her sleeve a little bit. Lilith closed her eyes and bit on her lip. It took great strength of will to not pull her hand back.

  “You’re trying so hard to hide this wristband, but I noticed it anyway. Why are you wearing it?”

  There was a hush. Lilith wondered if Chrys knew that she had been a prisoner.

  “Lilith? Is this a question that you don’t want to answer?”

  She opened her eyes and smiled. “Of course this is a question that I don’t want to answer.”

  Chrys averted his head. Lilith touched his cheek with her hand and turned his head back so that she could look him in the eye. “But I am going to. I promised you that I would be honest if I could. It’s not easy for me to tell you this, but…” She took a deep breath. “Ferhdessar put this band on my wrist to help me control my anger.”

  She searched his face for clues as to what he was thinking right now. Strangely enough, she primarily saw relief.

  “I hadn’t been able to come up with an explanation, and this was the last thing I expected. You seem so gentle.”

  “If you only knew.”

  “How does it work?”

  “When I get angry it gives off a pain stimulus that doesn’t disappear until I calm down.”

  “Does it need to do that often?”

  “Less often than in the beginning, and it has never given off any stimulus when you’re around.”

  “I’m glad to hear it.”

  “Do you think differently of me now?”

  “I think you’re brave for telling me this. It means a lot to me. But has it changed my opinion about you?” He pensively stared into the distance. “I don’t know what answer I expected when I asked you this question. The prisoners working at the excavation also wear those bands, but the Ancilla Princeps already told me that you’re not a prisoner. It would have been strange if you were, because then they would never have let you go to the party.”

  Lilith smiled in relief.

  “But now that I know that it has to do with your anger, I can understand a little bit better why you don’t want to talk about your past. There has to be a connection.”

  Lilith bowed her head. “You promised that you wouldn’t bring that up again.”

  “You’re right. I didn’t mean to. But now I also understand why you prefer to look to the future. You have closed the book on your past. And you started wearing the wristband to better yourself. That takes a lot of courage. You’re clearly someone who’s willing to learn and look into herself. That’s brave.”

  A smile formed on Lilith’s lips. “If you only knew what it means to me to hear you say this. You’re right, I want to get to know myself better. That’s pretty frightening sometimes, so to hear you call me brave is a form of recognition to me. Thank you.” She caressed his hand and leaned against him. Chrys wrapped his arms around her.

  In a few days’ time, her life had completely changed. She was no longer a prisoner and she had met a wonderful man. What had she done to deserve this? She listened to Chrys’s heartbeat. If he knew what she was thinking, he would have told her that she deserved it for being who she was. He had so much faith in her.

  I won’t disappoint you.

  She closed her eyes and pressed her face against his shoulder. She inhaled his scent, because she wanted to be able to remember it. He smelled fresh. It took her some time to recognize his scent as eucalyptus.

  For the first time, Lilith was determined to become a dragon and fight one more time. Ferhdessar had already made her contemplate the possibility, but Chrys had given her a reason to actually do it. During that final battle, she would set straight everything that had happened in the past. Chrys would be so proud of her. That alone would make it worth the effort to become that which she feared most one last time.

  She went to lie on her back. Thibauld was watching over all the animals depicted on the dome, but also over her and Chrys. “The dome really does look best from this point of view.”

  Chrys followed her example and put his arm under her head. “To me it looks even more beautiful than ever, because you’re with me.”

  “Stop saying those crazy things all the time.”

  “No, of course I won’t. They make you smile and then you look even prettier.”

  “You’re sweet.”

  They looked at the dome in silence for a while.

  “Forgive me if I’m asking you something that I shouldn’t. But what was the reason you came to Nadesh? Was it to ask Ferhdessar for help?” Chrys asked.

  “To be honest, I ended up here by coincidence.”

  “I don’t really believe in coincidences. The reason might not be clear t
o you right now, but I’m sure there was one.”

  Lilith propped herself up a little and looked him in the eye. “Then it must have been because you were here.”

  “In that case you made an enormous detour,” he laughed. “The excavation was much nearer to where you used to live.”

  “But you wouldn’t have wanted to know the person I was back then.”

  Lilith lay back down again. It was quite a relief that she could say things like that. Chrys pulled her against him and planted a kiss above her ear.

  For a while they pointed out the things that stood out to them about the dome. Chrys told a few stories about the first known shapeshifters.

  “What are your plans for the future?” Chrys turned on his side and looked at her.

  “I’ll stay here until I’ve settled with my past once and for all. That’s the most important thing. I once said that I was going to live in a little house after that, but now that I’ve met you I’m debating whether I wouldn’t rather live in a larger house.” She gave him a meaningful smile.

  “But there isn’t something in particular that you want to do?”

  “I don’t really know what I’m good at. I might find a job as a maid somewhere. Or I could go work at an inn again. But I’d rather do something where I can be of importance to others.”

  “There must be something. Maybe you could even use your dragon side for it.”

  “I can’t really picture that. What would I be able to do as a dragon?”

  Chrys shrugged.

  “You told me about Thibauld. He was created to fight and that’s the only thing I can imagine I could do. But I don’t want that.” Well, except for one last time.

  “No, I can imagine.”

  Someone rattled the door. They both jolted upright. Lilith felt her cheeks turning red out of embarrassment of getting caught. The door remained closed, however, and they both burst out laughing.

  “Maybe you’ll think of something one day,” Chrys continued the conversation.