The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  “She’s strong enough as a dragon, she doesn’t need to fight as a woman,” Ferhdessar replied.

  Afifa threw her hands up in the air. “You can’t be serious. How can you know so little about her after all the time you spent with her?”

  Ébha was keeping aloof, but Ferhdessar threw her a contemptuous glare as he dragged Lilith along. “Come, this woman is only putting weird ideas into your head.”

  “I like her and I don’t understand why there’s anything wrong with what she’s doing. You should be talking to the Governor so she can start helping the wounded.” Lilith dug her heels in the sand, making it impossible for Ferhdessar to keep dragging her along.

  “These women get their power from the devil. Every time she touches someone, she infects that person with the poisonous filth of the evil one.”

  Lilith looked at Ébha. The woman was clenching her teeth and she had turned red in the face. She was shaking her head vigorously in response to Ferhdessar’s allegations. But she didn’t say anything.

  “I don’t believe that Jakob thinks that the healeresses are evil,” Lilith whispered. She could still vividly remember the feeling that had flowed through her body each time Ébha had put her hands on her. How could something like that be wrong?

  “You shouldn’t believe in Jakob any more,” Ferhdessar grumbled.

  “But you said you believed in him as well!”

  Ferhdessar hesitated briefly. Then he muttered that he was having doubts again now that he had seen what Kasimirh was capable of. “Why doesn’t Jakob put a stop to him Himself? He should be able to!”

  He did have a point, so when Ferhdessar started dragging her along again, Lilith obediently followed him.

  Afifa stepped in. “Could you for once let her make up her own mind! Why do you think that you have any say in what she thinks or does? She’s a free person, isn’t she?”

  Ferhdessar briefly loosened the grip on Lilith’s upper arm, but then he thought better of it. He pulled at her arm with such force that Lilith stumbled. “This is for your own good, Lilith. One day you’ll understand that.”

  Lilith glanced over her shoulder. Afifa was shaking her head disapprovingly.

  “Always listen to your heart, Lilith,” Ébha called after her. “It contains all the answers that you’re looking for. Trust your instincts!”

  17

  With combined efforts they lifted the long beam. Lilith was holding the tail end and laid it down on the wagon. Next, the men pushed the beam farther onto the wagon. The wood had been severely damaged by the fire, but the biggest part was still usable for the reconstruction of the houses.

  That morning, Lilith had gone looking for Ferhdessar. When she hadn’t been able to find him, she had found something useful to do herself. A group of men was clearing away the debris of the burned houses, so she had joined them. It gave her much satisfaction that she’d been helping the people of Havv’n for several days now. It was something she could be proud of. Unfortunately, there also was a downside to this job, because every now and then bodies were found underneath the rubble.

  Lilith was watching how the men removed what remained of a wooden wall. They were covered in soot and dirt. Lilith smiled, because she probable didn’t look any better herself. Her eye suddenly spotted a glittering object. She was riveted to the spot. This couldn’t be right, her eyes were deceiving her. Lilith shook her head and blinked. The image, however, didn’t disappear.

  “There’s someone lying there,” a man yelled.

  Please, don’t let this be true. Warily, Lilith came closer. She didn’t want to see it, but at the same time she needed to know. It can’t be, she kept telling herself. He isn’t here, he went to the south.

  A hand was sticking out from under the rubble. It was the only body part that was visible, but it clearly belonged to a man. There was a silver bracelet around his wrist.

  As the men uncovered the body, Lilith fell down on her knees next to the hand. She still didn’t want to believe it and kept hoping that it was somebody else, but at the same time she knew that it wasn’t.

  “Chrys.” Her voice trembled

  She carefully took his hand in hers and kissed it. After the men had pulled him out from under the rubble, she looked at his face. All hope of it being somebody else evaporated.

  Lilith didn’t stop screaming until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

  “Did you know him?” Yorben asked.

  Everywhere around her, grimy faces were giving her compassionate looks. Lilith slowly nodded and looked back at Chrys. The fire had devoured his long hair and his clothes, and it had left huge burns all over his body. Lilith could only hope that he had died quickly and that he hadn’t felt the pain.

  “Filthy servi!” she ranted as she jumped up and turned around to face the sea. The tide was out, so there was a wide strip of beach between her and the water. “Wait till I get my hands on you! You will suffer for what you did to him!”

  Her anger was flaring so high that she wanted to run to get rid of some excess energy, but she couldn’t move a muscle. Her breathing came in gasps. Whoever had done this was going to pay. “I swear to you that I’ll take revenge, Chrys,” she panted and growled, raising her fist in the air.

  “The fish creatures weren’t responsible for this,” someone said.

  “Shut your mouth,” Yorben hissed.

  Lilith turned around with a jolt. A cold shiver ran down her spine. “Not the servi? But who was?”

  The men exchanged glances. Yorben shook his head in warning, but to no avail.

  “The dragon did it.”

  “The dragon?” Lilith stammered. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re with Ferhdessar, aren’t you? Then you should know this. During the last night of the attack he brought a dragon into the fight.” It was as if Lilith was jolted awake. The man didn’t notice her dismay. “If it weren’t for the dragon, Havv’n would have been occupied by the enemy.”

  The man’s story explained so much: Ferhdessar’s strange behaviour whenever someone spoke about the attack, her physical complaints. Even his thoughtfulness. Lilith now understood that he had been trying to make something up to her. He had given her his word! She clenched her fists and pressed them against her temples.

  “We thought you knew.”

  Lilith slumped to her knees and started to scream. She had once again killed someone she loved. First her parents and know her beloved. “Oh, Chrys, I’m so sorry. Forgive me!” But how could he, or anyone else, ever forgive her?

  She caressed Chrys’s cheek, then she fell forwards and rested her head on his chest. He was the reason why she had wanted to fight here in the first place, and now he had become a victim. He had always been full of admiration for her dragon side. What had he been thinking when she attacked? How much time had he had to realize that she was a monster. Had he died hating her?

  The recollections of their last day together evoked memories of the scent of eucalyptus that had always hung around Chrys. Lilith hid her face in his shoulder and inhaled deeply. A sickening, sweet stench of rotting flesh drove away the memory.

  “Maybe you’d like to have this?” Yorben knelt before her, holding the bracelet in his hand.

  “I’m not entitled to it,” Lilith said. But she did clasp the piece of jewellery around her wrist. It would serve as a reminder of what she had done. This way, she would carry the pain with her. This bracelet was more powerful than the wristbands that Ferhdessar put on prisoners. He’ll find that out soon enough. A stab of pain went through her arm. Filthy liar, I’ll get you for this. Her arm tensed up. The pain surged to her head.

  “I’m sorry that you had to find out like this,” Yorben whispered. “And I’m sorry about him.” He pointed at Chrys’s body.

  “Does everybody know… about me?”

  The man shook his head. “Only a few people from the army. The men who are working here don’t know anything.”

  “What are the people saying about the dragon?” Li
lith asked. “Are they angry?”

  “Most people speak highly of you. Just after the enemy had breached the gate, you suddenly turned up. Ferhdessar was sat on your shoulders. You made a good team together: he gave instructions and you immediately carried them out. You burned the servi and crushed them.”

  Lilith bowed her head and clenched her fists. Crushed, what an awful word. But she knew all too well what Yorben meant. She had killed the servi with her bare hands. She had squeezed and squashed them. Images took shape in her head. At long last she had fought against the servi, but she couldn’t be happy with the vengeance she had been given. Anger dominated all other feelings. A burning hatred, not directed at the servi this time, but at the sorcerer who had made her do this.

  “Do you want to stay with him a little while longer, or shall we carry him away?”

  Lilith shook her head and nodded. As soon as the men had lifted Chrys up, she walked towards him and kissed him. On the mouth, just like he had kissed her at the Fountain of Origin. It was one of the few undamaged parts of his body.

  “Will he be cremated as well?” she asked quietly. She suddenly understood the aversion that the people of Havv’n had felt. It was inconceivable that Chrys would be exposed to the flames a second time. Yorben shrugged and motioned for the men to take the body away.

  Lilith felt the urge to go to Ferhdessar at once to confront him with what she had learned, but she had no idea where she could find him. It was better to stay here and continue working. After all, she was to blame for the destruction of these buildings. And she didn’t even want to think about the rest of her sins.

  Lilith stooped down to pick up a piece of wood and hurled it into the wagon with all her might. Some of the men looked up in surprise when the wood slammed loudly against the back of the coachbox. The horses whinnied in fear. Seconds later, the next piece of wood landed in the wagon.

  “Why don’t you call it a day?” one of the men asked. “You’ve had quite a shock.”

  You don’t even know half of it.

  “Just let her be,” Yorben said, giving her a look of worry.

  Lilith worked harder then she had before. It felt good to let off steam. So when the men all took a break, she stubbornly kept on working.

  But then Ferhdessar walked by. “Shouldn’t you take a rest?” he asked in a friendly tone.

  Panting, Lilith looked up. The mere sight of the sorcerer infuriated her. There wasn’t anything in the world she wanted more than to fly at his throat. Her wristband was hurting her more than ever, but that wasn’t what was stopping her.

  Lilith spat right in front of his feet and wanted to go back to work. But Ferhdessar grabbed hold of her arm.

  “Lilith?” He looked worried. His eyes were begging for an explanation.

  “I don’t think you want to have this conversation here,” she snapped at him.

  “Let’s go somewhere else then.”

  He wanted to drag her along, but Lilith pushed him away. “Why should I obey you? I have more important things to do than to follow you around. You don’t control me right now,” she said with a snort of derision.

  Ferhdessar looked bewildered. Then he apparently decided that she was right, because he stormed off without saying another word.

  Lilith lowered herself down to her knees and held her clenched fists to her eyes. It had been extremely hard to control herself, but she had wanted to avoid having an argument in front of everyone else. Because then they would all see her as a murderer again. Everybody would know that she had burned Chrys and the other victims. She banged her fist on the ground and got back up. A bit farther down, she saw a big beam lying on the ground. When she wanted to lift it, someone called out, “Wait, let me help you!”

  Lilith didn’t wait. She lifted the wood as if it weighed nothing and hurled it away. The wagon wasn’t full yet but the horses took off at great speed.

  When the day ended, Lilith went back to her room. She washed the dirt off her face and fell down on the bed. She was still furious with Ferhdessar, but now that she was alone, her grief for Chrys took the upper hand. She thought back to the last day that they had been together. Despite her grief, she smiled. They had lain in each other’s arm for hours, staring at the dome. And in the mean time they had talked about all kinds of things.

  Ferhdessar entered the room. His eyes were full of worry and without saying anything he grabbed a chair. Lilith decided that she wasn’t going to say anything either. He owed her an explanation, not the other way around.

  When the silence dragged out too long, she grabbed a book from her bag and started reading.

  “What’s going on?” Ferhdessar finally asked.

  Lilith slammed the book shut and sat up straight. She thought about what she was going to say. “We found Chrys’s body today.”

  Ferhdessar went to sit next to her and wrapped his arm around her. It felt so insincere that Lilith slapped his arm away.

  “The men told me who was responsible.”

  “The servi…”

  “No, not the servi. Me!” Lilith couldn’t control herself any more. She had been practising this conversation all day, but now the words wouldn’t come out. She was too angry. She jumped off the bed and started pacing the room.

  “I’m sorry that it had to happen this way, but Merzia was in danger and I had to do something,” Ferhdessar said.

  “Sorry?! I… I don’t believe a w-w-word you say.” Lilith despised herself for stuttering, but her emotions overwhelmed her. She was searching for the right words to express her feelings, while fighting the effects of the wristband at the same time. “You told me that this was the way to redeem my sins, but in the meantime you just went ahead and made them even bigger.”

  “I didn’t know that he was here.”

  “Does that make any difference? Would you have stopped me if you had known? Are you really trying to tell me that it isn’t so bad if it concerns people that I don’t know? If it hadn’t been my boyfriend it would have been somebody else’s.”

  “I never meant for any of this to happen. I didn’t tell you to burn those houses down. You did that off your own accord. I only wanted you to drive off the servi.”

  She growled and wanted to take another swing at him, but Ferhdessar caught her hands. “You wanted this too, didn’t you? I felt your emotions during the fight, you were euphoric. Afterwards I asked you if you had wanted to fight the servi. You said yes.”

  “That’s not the point. You promised me that you wouldn’t do this. I trusted you. But you used me and the consequences are terrible.”

  “I understand that it’s difficult for you and I’m sorry that Chrys was killed, but look at the result. Merzia is safe and you got to take revenge on the servi.”

  Lilith mustered all her strength to jerk her hands free and knock him over. “Why are you being so indifferent? You knew that I ran away from Kasimirh to never have to kill another human being again. And then you make me do something like this!” She had wanted to say more, but she had to pause because she wasn’t getting enough air. “Couldn’t you have thought of something else?” she panted. There was contempt in her voice. “A powerful sorcerer like you… But no, you probably enjoyed being able to make me do whatever you wanted. Maybe you wanted to experience what Kasimirh must have felt all these years.”

  “I’m not like him,” Ferhdessar said in defence as he got back up and smoothed down his clothes. That made her even angrier.

  “No, you’re worse. Kasimirh at least gave me a choice. It often wasn’t much of a choice, but it was more than you gave me.”

  She searched for the switch on her amulet. The two ends of the necklace dangled between her fingers when she moved her clenched fist in his direction. “If you want to have my dragon side so badly, then take it…” Lilith hurled the necklace at him. The head of the gold dragon hit his cheek and left a scratch. “It’s no use to me anyway.” Ferhdessar opened his mouth to say something in response, but Lilith wasn’t interested any more.
“I want you to leave my room.”

  She lay back down on her bed and opened her book. She was staring at the letters, but the words didn’t register. Ferhdessar lingered.

  “Why doesn’t anyone understand that this was an absolute necessity?” he muttered before he left.

  Lilith let the book slide out of her hands and turned onto her back. Thoughts filled her head until there were so many of them that she couldn’t tell them apart any more. She had a headache. If only Ghalatea were here, she would be able to comfort her.

  The Ancilla Princeps had tried to warn her, but Lilith hadn’t wanted to listen. Amid all turbulence and uncertainty she had clung to the first tree stump to come floating by. Only to discover too late that it was a crocodile.

  Lilith placed her feet on the floor next to her bed. She felt the rough floorboards beneath her soles. She had been staring into the dark for hours, but now she had resigned to the fact that she wouldn’t be able to sleep. Too many thoughts were haunting her. It seemed as if everyone she had ever killed was screaming at her. “Murderer, spawn of the devil, ynfytyn!” They all demanded justice. Amid the chaos, she sometimes recognized Chrys’s voice. That hurt even more, because he had never said anything like that to her before.

  Lilith purposefully started to make some noise. Just to be annoying, even though she was certain that Ferhdessar hadn’t returned. The thought of him made her anger flare up again, so she walked to his bed. She put the lantern down, picked up his rucksack and threw its contents on the floor. In a small box she found the splinter he had used to control the prisoner. Lilith conceived the plan to burn it, but almost immediately dismissed the idea. It wouldn’t have much of an impact.

  Then she found a letter. It was a brief, but sweet message from a proud mother. The woman had written it after Ferhdessar had endured a tough test which had completed his tuition. “I’ve always had faith in you,” it said.

  “Of course you have,” Lilith sneered. “But would you still be so proud if you knew what he’s using his powers for? Your son is as much a murderer as I am.”