The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

Lilith stretched. She enjoyed having control over every little movement. She turned onto her side. The fur she was lying on felt soft on her cheek. She inhaled the smells that had nestled between the hairs. It was Az-Zhara’s scent. She thought it smelled nice. While healing herself, she had now and again concentrated on it.

  Az-Zhara had been opening up to her over the past few days. They had engaged in long conversations, during which Lilith had disclosed more and more about her past. For the most part, Az-Zhara just listened. If she asked him to, he gave her his opinion. It helped her to work things out in her head. His husky voice soothed her, even if he only spoke one word. She had entrusted him with her most shameful memories.

  Lilith opened her eyes. Almor and Az-Zhara were nowhere to be seen. The dogs were gone as well. The only one who had remained behind was Seraph. He was constantly staring at her. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he still hadn’t given up the fight. She now understood him more than ever. The anger she had felt for him had turned into pity.

  “You know who your family are, don’t you?” Seraph asked.

  Lilith immediately understood what he meant.

  “Kasimirh has always been proud of what you’ve done. And so have I. Untie me and I will take care of you like I always have.”

  Lilith closed her eyes. Her left hand slid into her pocket. That was where she kept the narrow dagger that her father had taken from Seraph when he had attacked them. Almor had recently given it to Lilith, so that she could defend herself if need be.

  “Where was Almor when you needed him? I’ve always protected you,” said Seraph. “I was there for you.”

  Lilith pushed the dagger into her left leg. The pain helped her to block out Seraph’s voice.

  It was pleasant to feel the sharp point enter her body. Then she did the same to her right arm. She pushed deeper. That was even better. It had taken a long time to learn to use that arm again. At times, Almor had told her to slow down, but Lilith had known that she still had some sensation left in her arm, and she had been determined to regain control of it.

  In her right leg, however, she still didn’t feel anything. Every day she hoped to feel pain, but she no longer believed that was going to happen.

  “Lilith?”

  Startled, Lilith quickly hid the dagger. Az-Zhara was leaning over her. Lilith sat up.

  Az-Zhara handed her a bowl and sat down next to her. He pointed at the bowl. “Drink, before it gets cold.”

  Lilith looked at the soup. Thank You, Lord… Annoyed with herself, she cut the prayer short. She looked at Az-Zhara. “Thank you.”

  She carefully took a few sips. She was slowly warming up. The healing had cost her a lot of energy, and she had lost even more weight. Therefore, she was often cold.

  “You do know that Seraph is lying, don’t you?” Az-Zhara asked.

  “Did you hear what he said?”

  “I don’t think I heard everything, but I heard enough.”

  Lilith stared into the bowl. “I sometimes wish that I didn’t know so much,” she said. “Because then I could return. It would have been easier that way.”

  “But you had your reasons to run away, didn’t you?”

  “Everything was so much easier before. I didn’t have to think about anything.” She stared at the steam spiralling up out of her bowl. “I sometimes miss that,” she whispered and then she took another sip.

  From the corner of her eye she saw Az-Zhara nodding.

  “It hurts to acknowledge that. The things I did were horrible. I brutally murdered thousands of people, because I thought my own life was worth more than theirs. How can I even think to go back to that?” Lilith put down the bowl and looked at Seraph again. “Will you help me walk?” she asked Az-Zhara.

  Az-Zhara nodded. “Do you think you can?”

  Lilith shrugged. Az-Zhara pulled her up by her armpits and kept a firm grip on her. Lilith discovered that her right leg could still support her weight. But when she took a step, she almost lost her balance, because she had no sensation in that leg. Az-Zhara held her even more firmly. Lilith took another step. She looked down to see what her legs were doing. They slowly approached Seraph. She lowered herself down next to him and tucked him in. Her hands were glowing.

  “You know,” Lilith said after she had thought for a while, “in a way I loved you and Kasimirh. But it was an oppressive love, which made me do anything to be loved in return.”

  Seraph hesitated. “That was our intention,” he said at long last.

  “Did you ever realize how far that love went?” she asked.

  “Far,” was Seraph’s immediate answer.

  Lilith nodded. “If you had told me that my parents were living in Tewarsum and that you wanted me to kill them, I would eventually have done it.” Lilith swallowed. She had thought about it a lot and had reached that conclusion. It hadn’t only been the will to live that had made her obey the orders. “If you had used the right words, I would have done it for the both of you.”

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

  “Before they made me fight, I enjoyed my time with Seraph,” Lilith told Az-Zhara as she looked at Seraph. “He protected me from the servi.”

  “We are family,” said Seraph. “That’s why Kasimirh sent me after you. I have to bring back my lost sister.”

  Lilith nodded. “I remember how we prepared the services. You let me light the candles. I couldn’t reach the candlestick above the altar, so you lifted me. Whenever I felt alone, I thought of how you carried me and ruffled my hair before we washed the stones together.”

  Seraph smiled. “I hated having to honour Jakob, but it was nice to have you with me. You were a sweet child. Unfortunately, it couldn’t stay that way. But I kept loving you. You’re still my little sister. I haven’t given up on you, yet.”

  Almor entered. Lilith looked up at him. He was in a better mood now that she was on the mend. He walked up to her. “Come, let me take you somewhere else. Seraph isn’t worthy of your attention.”

  Lilith shook her head and looked at Seraph. “My big brother,” she said slowly, “taught me how to kill. He taught me how to hate.”

  Seraph became agitated.

  “Despite all that, I loved you. It destroyed me, but my love for you and Kasimirh surpassed the love for myself, so it didn’t matter.”

  “Lilith? Shall we go?” Almor was about to help her up, but Lilith shook her head.

  “I want him to feel it.”

  She laid her hand on Seraph’s chest.

  “What are you doing?” Almor asked. He wanted to drag her hand away, but Az-Zhara stopped him.

  Lilith concentrated on the Purified man. She let the energy touch his nerves. Seraph moaned and closed his eyes. His face relaxed. Lilith also closed her eyes. She imagined him the way she had seen him as a little girl. She thought back to the day that he had taken her to a Kel Cornu village. It had been her first time outside the cave. “Do you remember, Seraph?” she whispered. She wrapped her energy around him, as if she had put her arms around him and held him tight. That was how he had comforted her after he had saved her from the woman who had tried to kidnap her.

  Seraph sighed.

  Lilith moved the energy. She felt her way along his ribcage until she reached his heart. The contractions of the muscles came in rapid succession. She wrapped the energy around it. That was all she did for now.

  She opened her eyes. Seraph looked confused.

  “It hurt so much to love you both.” She squeezed once. Seraph writhed. “It was suffocating. It consumed me from the inside out.” Lilith slowly tightened the energy around Seraph’s heart. He opened his mouth to gasp for air. His eyes were bulging. “That’s how it felt. It robbed me of my life.” Seraph’s heart stopped beating. Lilith pulled her hand back.

  She looked at Seraph. Even though his eyes were open, it looked as if he was sleeping. The fear that had crept over his face had disappeared. Lilith bent over and closed his eyelids. Now he looked as if he was dream
ing. With her help, Seraph had finally found peace.

  Almor knelt down beside the Purified man. There was disbelief in his eyes. His fingers were looking for Seraph’s carotid artery. “He’s dead.”

  Shaking, Lilith sagged backwards until she was leaning against Az-Zhara.

  Almor stepped over Seraph’s body and lifted Lilith up. “This was the only thing you could do,” he whispered as he carried her back to the place where she had lain before.

  “He didn’t even get a chance to defend himself,” Lilith replied.

  “Seraph has had way too many chances in his lifetime. Today he ran out of luck.”

  Almor put her down on the ground. Lilith pulled an animal hide around her shoulders. When Az-Zhara joined them, she lay down and pulled the hide over her head. Her father’s response didn’t come as a surprise, but she didn’t dare face the dragon man.

  “He’s dead,” she whispered. Seraph’s own creation had turned against him. But she hadn’t freed herself from her past; she had only become more entangled.

  She felt a hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right?” Az-Zhara asked.

  “Leave me alone.”

  Someone was pulling at the hide, but Lilith turned onto her stomach, trapping the outer edges of the hide underneath her. Az-Zhara tried to talk to her, but eventually gave up, and left.

  When Lilith came out from under the hide, Almor was still sitting next to her.

  Lilith sat up. She stared at her hands. “I was so proud of my gift,” she said softly.

  “He got what he deserved,” Almor said.

  Lilith looked at him. She understood his point of view, but nevertheless shook her head. “I mean that I was proud of my ability to heal, but look what I did with it.”

  She looked at the spot where Seraph had lain. Only a few hides remained. “I might as well have stayed with them. I’ve wasted my chances of a better life. I’ve only made things worse!”

  She wanted to get up but fell back down. She grabbed the bowl in which Az-Zhara had brought her some soup earlier and raised her hand.

  Almor grabbed her wrist and took the bowl from her. “Today, you’ve shown us that you can stand up for yourself,” he said as he looked at her. “You’ve shown us how strong you are. As long as Seraph was alive, he was a threat to you. You know that as well as I do.”

  Lilith shrugged.

  “It was time for you to make a decision, and today you chose the inevitable. You took a big step forwards. Now it’s time to think about your future. You have so many opportunities.”

  “Like what?” Lilith asked. “Oh, I know. I can kill someone with my left hand, or with my right hand. Or I can change into a dragon and kill hundreds of people at once.”

  Almor sighed. Then he held her tight. Lilith tried to break free, but he didn’t let go. Eventually, she gave up. Worn out, she leaned against him.

  “I really don’t know what to do,” Lilith whispered. “I still feel like I’m stuck.”

  “Kasimirh still has too much power over you,” said Az-Zhara as he sat down next to Almor. Lilith averted her eyes. “You’ll need to break the ties during a second dragon meet, but I don’t think that will be enough. You have to think about how you can fight him.”

  “How can you even suggest this?” Almor asked. “You’re telling her to go looking for danger.”

  “It’s only a matter of time before he comes here to find her. A fight is inevitable.”

  “Kasimirh has other things on his mind. You told me that he’s in Nadesh. He won’t leave the fighting there to come and get Lilith.”

  Lilith looked at Almor. “Nadesh?”

  Az-Zhara answered. “Seraph may be dead, but as long as Kasimirh is alive, you’ll be bound to him. That’s why I made some enquiries. Kasimirh has conquered Nadesh.”

  A shiver ran down Lilith’s spine. “How is Ghalatea doing? And lord Yvar?”

  “I don’t know about the woman. Lord Yvar is dead. Ferhdessar has assumed power. You could join him to fight Kasimirh.”

  Lilith shook her head. Why would she join forces with the sorcerer who had used her the same way that Kasimirh had?

  “Stop it,” Almor said loudly. “If Lilith can’t stay here, we’ll find another place where she can live her life in peace. It’s insane to expect her to fight. Kasimirh is too strong. You’ll send her to her death.”

  Lilith opened her mouth. Az-Zhara beat her to it.

  “I just think that she should take matters into her own…”

  Almor was outraged and started protesting before the dragonshifter had finished his sentence.

  Lilith shut herself off from the discussion and looked at the place where Seraph had lain. In all honesty, she was proud of herself, but she didn’t want to admit it.

  Perhaps she was more of a dragon than she had thought, even in human form. A dragon wouldn’t think twice about fighting or not, she would just fly out and take revenge. Nevertheless, Almor was right as well; there wasn’t much hope of a happy ending if she decided to fight Kasimirh.

  But did she want to hide for the rest of her life? And how was she going to confront Kasimirh? In her dreams she was full of rage when she scorched him with her dragon fire. But she had granted Seraph a painless death by making his heart stop. That was a more humane way to die.

  Or was it? Lilith wondered. She had still killed him. Yet another death to add to her list. Her head was spinning.

  “I’m taking her to a safe place,” Almor yelled. “We’re leaving tomorrow, Lilith.”

  “Do I get a say in this?” she asked.

  “You’re not going to tell me that you think Az-Zhara is right, are you?”

  Lilith shrugged. “I just want both of you to let me make up my own mind.”

  “But of course,” Almor said. “I didn’t mean to…”

  “Yes, I know. And it’s nice that you’re concerned about me. We’ll stay here for now. I’ll let you know when I’ve made my decision.”

  19

  Lilith had expected the news of Kasimirh’s attack on Nadesh to have given her peace of mind. After all, Kasimirh wouldn’t have time to focus on her now. She wanted so badly to believe what Almor said: that she was safe here. It did sound rather convincing when she said it out loud, but why didn’t she believe it? She was startled by every unexpected noise and kept looking over her shoulder. Whenever there was even a small change in her surroundings, she first had to be sure that Almor or Az-Zhara had caused the change, before she could relax again. It had become so bad that earlier that evening she had panicked when she hadn’t noticed that Az-Zhara had cleared away the dirty bowls.

  Her fear was bound to increase as time went by. Lilith now used the stick that she had used to gauge the depth of the snow as a walking stick. She hauled herself to her feet and walked outside through the wide corridor. The majestic moon over her head shone on the ice walls of the valley. She took her praying stone out of her pocket and watched how the light of the moon was reflected in the stone.

  “Jakob! I need to talk to You!”

  The wind picked up. Her hood was blown back.

  Behind her the snow cracked. Lilith spun around. Her heart was pounding against her ribs. All her muscles were tense.

  She heaved a sigh of relief when she discerned Az-Zhara. He kept his distance. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. Please, continue with what you were doing.”

  Lilith took a deep breath. “I’m safe,” she whispered, but it was very hard to relax. “Kasimirh isn’t here, he’s in Nadesh.”

  She sat down.

  Az-Zhara immediately rushed towards her to drag her back up. “It’s too cold to sit out here.”

  Lilith leaned against him. She slowly allowed herself to relax. “It’s beginning already,” she said. “I know that Kasimirh has his hands full with Nadesh, but the tiniest sound scares me. It will get worse with every passing week.”

  “Almor and I will protect you.”

  Lilith closed her eyes. Az-Zhara’s chest was slowly moving
up and down. She felt safe, being so close to him. She hadn’t expected that. When she had first met him, she had been afraid of the dragon that had stood before her. Now, she trusted him to protect her even more than her father.

  “If I decide to fight Kasimirh, will you come with me?” She took a step back and looked at him.

  Az-Zhara looked up at the stars. Then he nodded. “Yes, I think you should go, and I’ll come with you if you want me to.”

  Lilith moved his collar aside. There was a yellow spot underneath. “I’m so sorry that I did this to you,” she said quietly.

  “It was Kasimirh who wanted to kill me,” Az-Zhara said.

  “That’s not an excuse,” said Lilith. “I can’t hide behind Kasimirh to justify my actions.”

  “You never have. You’ve always been honest with me. But I can’t blame you for trying to strangle me. I know that Kasimirh was controlling every muscle in your body.”

  Relieved, Lilith nodded. “Would you please leave me alone? There’s something I have to do.”

  “I’ll wait for you in the corridor.”

  “Thank you.”

  Lilith stared after him until he was out of sight. Then she called upon Jakob again. “I’ve come to say goodbye. I’m taking back control of my own life. I finally know that I do have a choice. I can stay here and wait for You to send Kasimirh to me. Or I choose my own path.”

  Lilith let some energy flow into the stone that she was still holding in her hand. She wasn’t sure if she could do it, but it felt right.

  “I won’t tell You what I’m going to do. You’ll find out soon enough.”

  Her anger heated up the energy. The stone started to crack. Lilith looked at it as it split open. She laughed with pride. “It’s over Jakob. I have the strength and duty to make something of my own life, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” She threw the pieces of stone away.

  Lilith turned around and walked back into the cave. Az-Zhara was waiting for her. She stopped beside him.

  “You told me to break ties with Kasimirh,” she said.

  Az-Zhara nodded. “As long as you’re connected to him, you can’t defeat him.”