Have a New Kid by Friday

by Kevin Leman

  2. Learn to respond rather than react.

  3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

  WEDNESDAY

  You’re taking the long view in this journey of parenting. You’ve evaluated what kind of parent you are:

  1. Permissive

  2. Authoritarian

  3. Authoritative or responsible

  You’ve evaluated how your parenting style influences the way your children respond to you. You are actively thinking of ways your Attitude, Behavior, and Character can be better balanced in regard to your children.

  You’ve decided to focus first on your relationship with your child, realizing that without relationship, any rules will not be effective.

  You’ve also decided not to make mountains out of molehills, and you’re strategizing which areas really are important ones to address (you’ll find the “Ask Dr. Leman” section helpful in this regard).

  THURSDAY

  You understand the difference between self-esteem (“feeling good” about yourself) and true self-worth. You’re evaluating how you can help your child develop the 3 pillars of self-worth:

  1. Acceptance

  2. Belonging

  3. Competence

  You’re determined to move from praise (focusing on how “good” a person is) to encouragement (focusing on an action).

  Okay, got all that in mind?

  What’s Your Game Plan?

  Today’s the day you decide to go for it. You’re going to launch your action plan on your unsuspecting children. Remember, there are no warnings, no threats, no explanations—only action and follow-through. Above all, there’s no backing down, no caving in. Your child needs to know you mean business, or you won’t accomplish anything. If it takes you longer than a week to change your child’s Attitude, Behavior, and Character, then you need to revisit these key principles. Children who have been allowed to have their own way for a while can be extremely powerful. But look at it this way: if your teenager doesn’t change, he’ll have the most boring teenage years on record because he won’t be able to do anything. Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed. Not even a powerful child can hold out for long under such a principle. No matter what, the family comes first. So if there’s a problem at home, you don’t look at life outside the home until the problem is solved.

  Now is not the time to back down, sodon’t be a spineless jellyfish. Stand up and be a parent.

  Will it be easy? No. There are days, and then there are days. You know what I mean. When you start applying these principles, your child’s behavior is probably going to get worse . . . for a time. It’s a little like fishing in a creek. When you hook a game fish, it will try to throw the hook out of its mouth by leaving the water and thrashing back and forth. Youcan expect that “fish out of water” syndrome with your children too. They’ll come thrashing wildly out of the water and be very ticked.

  However, if you talk to a fisherman, he’ll tell you that in order to land the fish, you’ve got to keep tension on the line. You don’t give that fish any slack. If you give it slack, not only will it jump out of the water, but it will scrape its jaw against the bottom of the creek to try to get rid of the hook. To catch that fish, you have to keep the line consistently taut. If you suddenly drop the pole toward the water, you’ve developed slack in the line, and you give the fish the opportunity to get off. Then it’ll be pretty tough to catch that fish again.

  The good news is, if your child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you’ll know you’re on the right track.

  What’s Up, Doc?

  Now you get to play the shrink. Think about a situation that’s currently going on in your home. Ask and answer the following questions as if you’re the doctor in the house.

  1. What’s the situation?

  2. How would you diagnose it?

  3. What’s the purposive nature of the behavior?

  4. How do you feel about the behavior?

  5. What would you normally do? Think it through.

  6. Now what would you do differently? Whose problem is it? Have you left the ball in the child’s court, or are you attempting to dribble it yourself?

  Consistency Wins Every Time

  Remember that your child’s behavior serves a purpose in his life. It draws your attention to him and provides a power base for him (“I’m going to show you”). As your child grows more powerful, his contempt for you will grow. After all, if he can control you, why respect you? You’re not the authority figure any longer.

  That’s why it’s so important to realize that your child is mis-behaving for a reason. More than anything else, she needs a relationship with you. Consistency in your Attitude, Behavior, and Character breeds contentment in your child, whether she is 3, 13, or 23. She can know that the rules won’t change based on your moods or life circumstances.

  When you understand the basic principles in this book, you don’t need a shrink, because you can be the shrink. In fact, instead of paying a shrink to “solve your family problems,” take a trip together as a family. Too many parents pay psychiatrists to prescribe a label and then medicate their child when all the child needs is her parents’ time and attention.

  Getting Ready for Fun Day

  Want a new kid by Friday? Here’s a Top 10 list of what it takes. (For a summary, see p. 289.)

  10. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.

  You can follow these principles nine times and blow it the tenth time, and you’re back to square one. Think of it this way: you’re trying to forge a new and different path in life. You’re retraining your kid—and yourself—to behave differently. Your kid needs to know you mean business.

  9. Always follow through on what you say you will do.

  No matter the circumstances, what you say is what you do. Never, ever back down. Don’t be a wuss. It won’t gain you or your child anything. In fact, it’ll put you in an adversarial position with your child, who will wonder, Hey, when is she serious, and when isn’t she?

  8. Respond, don’t react.

  Use actions, not words. Flying loose with your words will only gain you trouble. So close your mouth, think, and respond to the situation rather than reacting to it.

  7. Count to 10 and ask yourself, “What would my old self do in this situation? What should the new me do?”

  Let’s say the siblings in your home have been going after each other for 9 years. What do you usually say and do? What will the new you do differently?

  6. Never threaten your kids.

  The problem with threats is that our children know we don’t mean them, because we rarely follow through on them. Even more, our threats often don’t make sense: “All right, no more candy for life!” “If you don’t get off that chair, you’re going to break your neck!” Even the youngest child can figure out when there’s no action or truth behind the threats.

  5. Never get angry.

  As soon as you get angry, you’ll be back at square one. I understand that there are triggers—things your kids do that make you angry. But you’re the adult in the situation. You are the one who ultimately decides when you get angry. Don’t let your children control your moods. If you get angry, an explosion of anger is like throwing up all over your child. The release in tension may feel good temporarily, but look what you’ve done to your child.

  Okay, so you’re human. If and when you get angry, apologize quickly. For example, “Honey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  4. Don’t give any warnings.

  If you warn your child, you’re saying, “You’re so stupid, I have to tell you twice.” Your goal is to get your children to listen, listen once, hear what you have to say, and act on it.

  3. Ask yourself, “Whose problem is this?”

  Don’t own what isn’t yours, and don’t force the ownership on a sibling either. You need to keep the ball in your child’s court.

  Don’t take over what she should be doing herself.

  2. Don’t think the misbehavio
r will go away.

  I’ve got news for you. Kids won’t stop misbehaving on their own. They gain too much by it. You have to intercede and administer loving and consistent discipline.

  An old CEO of a major airline told me that at one time the airline gave the employee at the counter 100 percent discretion to make decisions about passengers. “Kevin,” he said, “because too many ticket agents took liberties, we lost millions.” That airline learned the hard way that they can’t just give a ticket agent carte blanche. Nor can you as a parent give a child carte blanche. You are responsible for informed guidance.

  Let’s say you’re going shopping for fall clothing. You say to your child, “This is the budget we have to spend on your clothes this fall. You can spend it any way you want, but we cannot go over this amount.” That still leaves the child with the freedom to decide what kind of clothing she will purchase with that money. But if you see her going the way of buying twelve T-shirts, you might want to say, “Those T-shirts look great, but you might need a sweater and some jeans too.” You are giving your child informed guidance. If she chooses not to follow it, she may end up washing the same pair of jeans every night for the next school year. And if your child insists on buying clothing that does not fit your standards (i.e., too tight, too low), then your informed guidance should say a firm no.

  If informed guidance could save your child a lot of grief in the small things, like clothing choices, then why would you, as parent, not offer informed guidance in the more important issue of misbehavior?

  Simply said, you can’t let the prisoners run the asylum. They’ll get themselves intoo much trouble. In such cases, it’s better to force a blowout than to face a slow leak, hoping your child will come to her senses one day.

  1. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to . . . do something else.

  Get Ready, Get Set . . .

  A woman came to my seminar and told me, “I’m so tired of the way things are done at my house. The kids treat me like a slave and a short-order cook. No one likes anything I make, and they complain about it all the time. It’s been this way for years, but I’m sick of it.”

  This poor woman was at marine training camp, and she’d been cleaning and licking boots for years. Her family expected it. But no longer.

  Here’s what I told her: “Lady, you need to go on strike. Don’t cook dinner at all. For a week. Go out for dinner each night, get a bite to eat by yourself. If your children ask where you’re going, just say, “Out.” When you come home, don’t do the laundry, don’t wake them up for school, don’t make breakfast or lunch. Get their attention. You are not their slave; you’re their mother. When they ask, simply say, ‘I’m done doing things for you. Until I see effort on your part, I quit.’ And just watch the shock on your kids’ faces.”

  You see, oftentimes you’re too good a mother. You’re too good a father. You do way too many things for your children. On Fun Day you need to level the playing ground, using the “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” principle.

  It isn’t rocket science. Any parent can do it. Your kids need you to step up to the plate so life in your home can be what it should be—a place of love, respect, and accountability for actions.

  Now launch your plan. Stick to your guns. Your mantra should be, “I can’t wait for that kid to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war.”

  Just do it!

  I have been struggling with my daughters, ages 7 and 4, for some time now, and I have felt such frustration. I’ve felt like a total failure because I find myself constantly yelling at them, then feeling incredible mommy guilt afterward. The amount of junk food in our home shows how guilty I’ve felt. You have given me practical and easy-to-follow principles that I can really use. I know it won’t always be easy, but I’m determined to stick to it.

  Robin, Ontario

  I’m launching my action plan today. I can’t wait for Fun Day. I’ve already decided that I’m taking myself—no kids—out for ice cream when it’s all over. Your advice is priceless and exactly what I needed. I felt a connection and an understanding that I haven’t felt with any other parenting expert. Your humor and personal testimonies were reassuring to an average guy like me.

  Mark, Ohio

  My life has completely changed. My relationships with my kids have changed. And, okay, I admit my relationship with my husband has changed since I’m no longer stressed out due to the kids. Thank you so much! My husband says thank you too.

  Melissa, Illinois

  For the first time in 2 years, since Elizabeth turned 13, I have hope and an action plan.

  Kara, New York

  We have 3 children—4, 3, and 2. We couldn’t see spending our lives the way things were going. Nobody would babysit for us, and people would stare at us in public (with good reason). Simply put, our children are monsters. Your principles have changed everything about our lives. I hope every parent on the planet hears you speak or reads your books. They need this approach. We certainly did.

  The Nesbits, Montana

  Ask Dr. Leman

  A to Z Game Plans That Really Work

  Straightforward advice and gutsy plans of action on over 100 of the hottest parenting topics.

  Shh! It’s a Secret!

  A no-nonsense approach to having a great kid and being a great parent. Just look up the topic, but don’t tell your child what you’re up to. (Hint: There’s a quick index at the back.)

  If we had ten minutes together in person where no one else could overhear us, what’s the one thing you’d most want to know about parenting? Why?

  Over nearly four decades, it has been my joy to help families succeed. I want to see your family succeed too. So in this section, allow me to be your personal psychologist. I’ll just perch here on the arm of your chair while you look up the topics you’re currently facing for some timely and time-tested advice.

  Then think about your own situation. Ask yourself:

  1. What is the purposive nature of the behavior?

  2. How do I, as the parent, feel in this situation?

  3. Is this a mountain or a molehill?

  The answers to these questions will help you formulate an action plan for your own family. If the issue is a molehill, a can of Raid might help. If it’s a mountain, the ante is upped significantly. You must handle the situation well, because it will affect your family dynamics, your well-being, and your child’s well-being.

  So pick the topic that’s hottest in your family right now. The topics are organized A to Z so you can find them easily, or you can check the index at the back of the book. If you want a Parenting 101 crash course, just read straight through the section. I’ve included over 100 of the topics that parents ask about most.

  For additional help on specific topics, consult the resource list on pp. 299–300. You’ll also find a lot of practical help at www .lemanbooksandvideos.com. Have a specific parenting question? Go to iQuestions.com, where I answer all sorts of parenting and marriage questions (and you even get to see my mug shot).

  Above all, remember the secret: do not let your child in on what you’re up to. What you’re doing must remain your secret until Fun Day. There are no warnings in this system—and no wimps allowed either. Backing down once you launch your action plan will only get you pushed back into the corner you started in.

  You can be a great parent. And you can have a great kid. So go ahead—plunge right in. Fun Day awaits.

  Allowances

  “I give Matt, our 14-year-old, an allowance every week. But he’s always coming back to me the day after he receives the money, asking for more money for something he’s just got to have. It’s driving me crazy.”

  “Trey is only 3, but he seems interested in money. The other day he took some coins off the kitchen counter and put them in his pocket. He’s so young that I don’t think he had any idea that what he did, without asking, was stealing. But it made me wonder: should I give him an allowance? How old should kids be before they get an allowance?”
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  “We give all three of our kids—who are 12, 14, and 16—the same amount of allowance every week. But our 16-year-old is constantly asking to borrow money from our 12-year-old . . . and getting it.

  Should we give more to the 16-year-old because he’s older, or keep the amount consistent so we’re fair to all 3 children?”

  “Our 2 children, ages 11 and 13, are vastly different in personality. Jen, our older child, is a real worker. After she’s done her regular chores, she always pitches in and does extra ones if she sees other things that need to be done. Mark, our younger child, has to be prodded from his PlayStation several times in order to get even his own chores done. I was raised with a brother, and everything was ‘even Steven’ in our home. But it always drove me crazy when I did all the work and got the same allowance as my younger brother. I don’t want to make Mark feel inferior by giving him less money than his sister. Help! What should we do?”

  Giving allowances is one of those areas that influence many other areas, so I’ll spend a little more time on it than on some of the other topics. Why? Because the money a child has at his fingertips, how he has received that money, and how he views that money affect not only what he’s able to buy or save but how he feels about himself.

  What’s an allowance for? In my view, an allowance is part of a family’s recreational budget. It’s one of the perks of being a member of the family.

  This is a very different view than mostof us grew up with. Remember the chore list on the refrigerator? We all groaned about it, but we did it (unless we could get our little sister to do it for us on the sly), because it was the only way we could get paid. The list went something like this:

  Clean your room. 50¢

  Set the table. 10¢

  Feed and walk the dog for a week. 50¢

  Clean out the garage. $1

  Take out the garbage. 20¢

  Doing those chores directly related to how much money we received in our allowance each week.

  But here’s what I’m suggesting: every family member should automatically receive an allowance from the family’s recreational budget. That means everyone, as part of their “perk” for being in the family, has money to spend. I know some of you are thinking, I can’t afford an allowance. The reality is that all parents spend money on their children, so “I can’t afford it” doesn’t fly with me. Just take what you’d spend on the child for lunch, clothing, etc., and lump it all together as the allowance money. That doesn’t cost you any more money than you’re already spending, and it will teach your child responsibility.