Have a New Kid by Friday

by Kevin Leman

  When you send your child on an overnight, you are saying you trust the people in that home with your child’s life. Do you know them that well?

  Grocery Store Antics

  “But I want it . . . and I want it now!”

  (the whine)

  “Let me out . . . let me out . . .”

  (said while wiggling in the cart)

  If you have a young child, you would be wise to remember that 3- to 4-year-olds have short attention spans. So if you really want to shop, pick a time when you don’t have your children with you. I know one mom who shops at 2 a.m., when her husband gets home from his night shift, just to do it in peace and quiet since she has 4-year-old twins.

  If you do have to shop with your children, minimize your list to the essentials. Let your 2-year-old hold something. Make your child part of the experience. “Oh, honey, can you grab a loaf of bread off the shelf for me?” you can say as the cart rolls by the bread. Who cares if the bread gets a little squished? It’ll taste the same, and you’re involving your child.

  But do not let your young children make the calls on what you’re going to buy. If you do, you’ll end up with a cartful of junk, and you’ll be setting a pattern for future grocery trips. Remember, children are all about routine, so if you set a pattern, they will insist that it be followed from here to eternity. For example, if every time you go to the grocery store, your child gets a free donut, your child will be like Matlock—she’s not going to forget that free donut. So if you pass by that donut counter without getting a donut, prepare yourself for an unhappy time for both of you.

  Before you set foot in that grocery store, decide on your expectations for the trip. Make a list of the groceries you need. Decide what you’re going to buy and if the children will get a treat or not. (If you set up the treat habit, you might as well buy stock in the Mars company. You’ll be stuck buying treats for life!) Tell the child up front what is going to happen—then stick with it. Don’t let any pleading, whining, or crying divert you from your plan. If your child fusses, simply remove the child from the store. Immediately. Even if that means leaving your grocery cart, full of groceries, in the store. Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed. If your goal was to get the grocery shopping done and your child isn’t being helpful, even if you promised your child a treat, that treat cannot happen. Otherwise you’ve put your child in the driver’s seat—and don’t think he won’t want to occupy that spot again.

  Helplessness

  “I can’t do it, Mommy.”

  When I was a 5-year-old, I believed that my sandwich tasted better when Mom made it. As God is my judge, I really did believe that. But, looking back now, I realize something else: that I was a manipulative sucker who wanted her to make the sandwich instead of doing it myself. After all, I was the baby of the family and was used to others doing things for me without me lifting a finger.

  Acting helpless is a skillful, manipulativetechnique, and young children (especially the baby of the family) are very good at it. Many times I set my older brother up for all kinds of grief from my dad because I knew what to say, how to say it, and how to get him in trouble with my dad for not helping me with things just because I was younger and smaller.

  The general rule of thumb is simple: don’t do for children what they can do for themselves. Young children are capable of making their own sandwiches, even if it means a little extra mess on the counter that they have to clean up. If your child is supposed to phone someone and knows how to use the telephone (or can do it with some simple coaching), there’s no reason you need to make that phone call for the child.

  Do we do things for our children? Yes, all day long. It’s part of being a parent. But the smart parent knows when she is getting worked over by the 4-year-old, 10-year-old, or 16-year-old who just doesn’t want to take responsibility.

  It’s easier to let children not be responsible. It’s easier, as a parent, to do it yourself. But did you know that even allowing a child to make a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be an accomplishment she can feel good about?

  You are not only a parent; you are your children’s teacher. So teach them to be responsible. Do not pick up balls that they have dropped or should be responsible for.

  Hitting

  “But she hit me first!”

  “He started it!”

  Most siblings will think nothing of whacking a brother or sister in the midst of a skirmish. They won’t bat an eye or feel bad about it.

  Parents spend a significant amount of time sorting out who started it. But consider this: fighting is an act of cooperation. It’s not about who threw the first punch. That means instead of you trying to sort out who said or did what, both children involved need to be removed from the scene and taken to a room with the door closed, where just the two of them stare at each other until the problem is worked out.

  The amazing thing is that this works with any age, whether 3 or 15. Now, 3-year-olds usually can’t work out their problems, but they can have a time-out. Not being where Mommy is and knowing that Mommy is unhappy is bad enough in itself. Did you know that even a minute’s time-out can seem like an eternity to a 3-year-old?

  I had to laugh (inwardly) the other day when my daughter Krissy sent little Conner to his room for a time-out. He marched up there like a little soldier and sat quietly in his room. After that “eternity” (only 3 minutes) of being separated from his mom, Krissy called up, “Conner, are you ready to come down?” And he said in a very chastened voice, “Yes, Mom.”

  The point is that when the child comes down, he needs to be ready to join the family again. That means treating his little sister with respect even when he doesn’t feel like it.

  When two children hit each other or fight at the breakfast table, remove both of them from the table, put them in a room together, and close the door. There’s a bonus for you: when they come out with their problems solved, breakfast is over. They go hungry until lunch, and the snack counter is not open. Will going hungry for a few hours kill them? No, although they may eat more than normal at lunch. But it will drive the point home that you don’t appreciate and won’t stand for bickering at the table.

  Under no circumstances should you ever allow a child to hit you. I watched once as a 6-year-old smacked her pregnant mom right in the stomach, and her mother only said, “Oh, you’re just mad. You don’t mean that!”

  Many parents think that children—especially young children—don’t know what they’re doing when they hit you. That’s debatable. But whether or not it’s true, you cannot allow such behavior to continue. If your 11-month-old hits you in the face, hold her arms down firmly and encircle her arms with yours so she can’t hit you again. Reinforce your action with kind but firm words. Softly say to her, “Don’t hit. Mommy doesn’t like being hit.” Draw a line as early as possible in your relationship that hitting is not acceptable. And most of all, never hit back. (Spanking deliberately to change a child’s actions, for those of you who are comfortable with that, is a very different action than hitting back as an unthinking response. See “Spanking.”)

  If you want a perfect child, go find a mannequin. Children don’t come in mannequin style. Parenting is all about the relationship you have—one that’s built upon love, mutual respect, and cooperation. Allowing your home to be a hit-free zone and addressing hitting when it does happen is crucial in establishing a safe environment.

  Homeschooling

  If you’re a homeschooler, you may have read the homework section and already be bristling at the thought that someone else would be a better teacher than you. If you’re a homeschooler, I applaud you. Most homeschoolers I know are very dedicated and passionate people. It takes a certain type of personality for a parent to be able to homeschool effectively (and also a certain personality of the child).

  When Sande and I were in the throes of raising our 5 children, we discussed schooling options. Our “discussion” went something like this.

  “What about homeschoo
ling?” I asked.

  “What?” Sande said.

  That was the end of the discussion.

  When you’re a homeschooler, you are the teacher. But that doesn’t mean you should be “on” as teacher 24-7. You have additional challenges because you are both parent and teacher and the classroom is your home. Often you are so close to the situation that it’s more difficult to come up with consequences for children not following through on assignments, not getting to the table on time for school, etc. Effective homeschoolers keep to a strict schedule (say 9 to noon for a school day). They have a room of their home set aside for school. The door is open right before school is to start in the morning and closed after school is over. There’s no dawdling over breakfast or snack time to delay the start of the school day. If a child shows up late for breakfast and thus is late for school, there’s a penalty (such as working longer when siblings are outside playing). The most important thing for a parent is to have an end to the school day. After all, don’t teachers in other schools stop working and go home for the day? When your classroom is your home, you can’t leave the building physically. But you can leave the classroom mentally and emotionally.

  It’s also important to keep the ball for homework in your child’s court. Whenyou’re done with school for the day, you’re done. Again, if the homework is assigned to the child, who should be doing it? Not you. So don’t involve yourself. (Would you phone a teacher from a public or private school for help with homework at night? Then don’t make yourself available either.)

  If you are butting heads with your son regarding getting homework done, ask another homeschooling parent to work with your child, and do the same for that parent’s child. Swapping tutorial skills is a wonderful option for homeschoolers. If one of your children needs extra time to complete a project, walk away and give that child extra time. Let the other siblings play, and take off your schoolteacher hat and put on your mom hat for the rest of the evening. Don’t put on your schoolteacher hat until the next morning, when it’s time for school.

  These simple rules will help both you and your children have a good homeschooling experience.

  Homework

  Homework is one of those necessary evils of growing up. If you are a parent, you will, in some way, be involved in homework (whether you choose public school, private school, or home­schooling). The best thing you can do for your children is to provide a quiet, well-lit, consistent place that they can do their homework.

  Here’s the problem. If you’ve got kids who are manipulative, they can con you into doing their homework for them. They can con you into setting up your home as a schoolhouse (though it’s your home as a schoolhouse (though it’s more like a battle zone with all the emotions flying) for 4 to 5 hours a night. But the reality is that your child’s homework is your child’s homework. Not yours. There’s nothing wrong with checking it to make sure your child has done it and helping by asking questions when a child gets stuck, but no way should you do your child’s work for her. In many school systems, you can phone the school, punch in a teacher’s code, and get the homework assignment so you know what needs to be done. I have raised 5 children and have never done that. In our home, our children knew we expected them to do well in school—to do their best.

  One of the rules in our house is that the computer has to be in one of our central rooms, not any bedroom. So many nights our youngest daughter, Lauren, sits in the same room as me (I’m in my favorite chair) and does her homework by aid of the computer. We’re five feet from each other, but I rarely ask the question, “What are you doing?” Sometimes I see her doing math and struggling with it, but I don’t intervene. If she asks me for help, I’m glad to help her for a few minutes, but I won’t battle homework for hours a night.

  Parents shouldn’t become the fourth grader or the seventh grader. They’ve already been there. If a child is struggling in a subject, the best thing to do is to see if the teacher can give her some extra help or to hire a tutor. We’ve done that with our children on a couple of occasions—once we had a university student help, and another time a high school senior helped.

  Do not allow your child to manipulate you into becoming the student and doing what should be her responsibility. (For those of you who are homeschoolers, see also “Homeschooling.”)

  Hyperactivity/ADD/ADHD

  “Would you just sit still? What’s wrong with you?”

  People today love disorders and labels. When I speak and later someone comes up to me and says, “I’m an ACA [Adult Child of an Alcoholic],” I’m tempted to say, “I’m into pork bellies, at least in the short term.”

  What’s all the talk about labels for anyway?

  “My child has OCD—obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

  “I think my son’s ADD or ADHD.”

  These days, if children meet any of the qualifications for the 10 symptoms of ADD, the child is labeled—and medicated. It’s seemingly an easy fix. But what does that really do for the child in the long run?

  What’s the purposive nature of giving your child a label? I’m convinced it’s not in the child’s best interest, nor is it in yours as a parent. Frankly, labeling your child gets him off the hook for his behavior, and it also gives you a convenient excuse for the way your child acts, so you don’t have to do anything about it other than agree to medicate your child: “She’s not doing well at school because she’s ADD, and the teachers don’t understand her.” Or, “He can’t help it. It’s just the way he is.”

  But in nearly four decades of counseling, I’ve discovered that often the behaviors that are labeled stem from something else entirely. What happens in many families? After countless infertility tests that cost a fortune, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, the throes of birth, or myriad adoption forms, the baby at last arrives. A few months later the child is sent to the kiddy kennel, where minimum-wage strangers spend their time rearing the child while Mom returns to work. Then, when the child is home, she spends her time vying for her parents’ attentions among not only siblings but also her parents’ long work hours and subsequent exhaustion.

  I’m convinced that what children need is not labels but one-on-one attention from Mom and Dad. If a child doesn’t receive the attention she needs, she will act out (find ways to get that attention), whether in positive or negative ways.

  If you have concerns about your child, don’t take a nonprofessional’s word for it. Far too many children have been misdiagnosed. Go to a pediatrician who is behaviorally trained or find a true expert in the field. I’ve been a psychologist for four decades and have never given a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. Without multiple testing by an expert in that field, I would never hang a label on a child. Instead, I ask the parent, “What do you want your child to be like?” and then I help that parent get the child there. I also gently correct misconceptions parents may have about their children. For example, if your child has an IQ of 85, she won’t be a rocket scientist. But she is most likely gifted in other areas that you can encourage.

  If you want a responsible child, give him age-appropriate responsibility. If you want a respectful child, show her respect. If you want a kind child, model kindness. If you want a mouthy child, be mouthy.

  You see, power doesn’t come from thin air; it’s modeled. If there’s something about your child you don’t like, they’ve probably seen it in action from you and are simply modeling it.

  So before you put a label on your child or accept a label about your child from anyone else, why not work on the behaviors you want to see changed?

  Ignoring Parents

  “She acts like I’m not even there.”

  “I have to walk 5 steps behind her, like I don’t even exist.”

  “He never listens to anything I say.”

  What’s going on here? What’s the purposive nature of the behavior? Ignoring you is actually a way of getting your attention! He’s ignoring me, you think. Something must be wrong. So you start doing loops around your child, trying to break throu
gh to him, trying to get him to talk. And he remains silent. Why? It’s a power struggle—to see who is dominant in the home and to see how far you’ll go to make him happy.

  If this is happening, the “B doesn’t happen unless A is completed” principle works very nicely. If your child is ignoringyou, you don’t have to take her to a friend’s house, do you? If your teenage son is ignoring you and goes to find the car keys in their usual spot, those keys could be “missing”—in your pocket. If your child is ignoring you, there could be one less spot at the dinner table. If you don’t exist in his world, why should you cook or provide dinner for him?

  Remember, an unhappy child is a healthy child. Your job as a parent is not to make your child happy. It’s to raise a child who will be a productive, responsible, and respectful member of society.

  The key to the turnaround is your own behavior—your consistency, your follow-through, and your calm, reasonable manner. If you get angry and say, “What’s your problem?” your powerful child wins.

  Internet Use

  Let’s face it. We live in a high-tech world, and a lot of us parents are anything but high-tech. However, computers and the Internet are a fact of life, and every child growing up today will be miles ahead of their parents in computer skills. My children certainly are!

  That means you’ll never be able to keep up with them, but you also need to be savvy about what your children are using the computer for. The Internet is a wonderful source of information for school projects. But it can also be a tremendous danger.

  Would you ever let your 13-year-old walk into a strip club or a porn shop? Would you let your 16-year-old take the car and go to the sleaziest part of town to check out the prostitutes? Would you let your 11-year-old hang out with pedophiles? Of course not! But on the Internet, with one click of the mouse, your 13-year-old son can see the worst of the worst photos—and more. Your 11-year-old daughter can email a pedophile writing her under the guise of a 13-year-old boy who is interested in her life. That means right now your child could be seeing some of the most bizarre, perverted material you could possibly view. In fact, www.max.com reports: