Have a New Kid by Friday

by Kevin Leman

  Whatever the reason, smoking is harmful to your body. If you think your child is smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, or doing drugs, it’s time to take action. Some parents I know wiretapped their own home to find out what was going on while they were gone for the weekend. Other parents checked the history button on the computer and read their child’s comments on MySpace. com.

  “But, Dr. Leman,” you might be saying, “what about my child’s privacy?”

  When it comes to the safety of your child, there are no privacy rights. If there is something going on, you are responsible to find out. You’re the parent.

  If you believe that your child is smoking dope (meth/crack cocaine is very big today, and so is heroine in affluent neighbor-hoods), set up a doctor’s appointment for your child. Do it without any fanfare, but make sure the doctor knows (out of the child’s hearing) that you want a urinalysis done to see if there are any illegal drugs in her body.

  If the results come back positively, you need to take action. Drugs are habit forming, so some kind of intervention might be necessary. Get a few key people together that your child respects, sit down with the child without any warning, and lay your cards on the table. Tell her that you know what is going on in her life. If your child drives the family car or her own car, all privileges are rescinded immediately because it is clear she is not responsible.

  Where are the finances coming from that are supporting the smoking or drug habit? If from an allowance, discontinue that allowance immediately. If your child works a part-time job, go to that job and disengage your child from it. Tell the employer that your child no longer has your permission to work there. It’s hard to support a drug habit when there’s no cash coming in to pay for it. Bumming money off friends for cigarettes or other drugs goes only so far.

  A wise parent will take a hard-line approach to get the behavior stopped immediately. There is far too much at stake.

  Spaceyness

  “Oh, she just forgets to do it. She’s kinda spacey.”

  Most parents live in La-La Land. They have a ready excuse for their child at every turn. What are they really saying? “Oh, my child’s accountable for nothing.”

  Well, what happens later when your child is 21 or 22 years of age and still isn’t held accountable for anything? How will his employer (if he has one) feel about that? What about when he wrecks your car and still isn’t accountable?

  Why is it that we feel we must project our children as winners at every turn? That we must make up for what they don’t do? Why can’t we hold our kids accountable?

  I’m convinced it’s because many parents today are too lazy to parent. They take the easy way out. They’ve grown up with the “me, me, me” view too, and life is still all about them, so children run amok without parental supervision. The parents do this all in the name of letting their child be an “individual,” I might add.

  If your child spaces out on his homework, let him suffer the consequences the next day. If your child forgets to bring in his bike from the driveway and someone steals it, don’t buy him a new bike. That’s a good lesson on taking care of your possessions, one that he’ll remember for a long time—especially when his buddies want him to go biking and he has to explain why he doesn’t have a bike anymore. (Sometimes peer pressure can be very useful in changing behavior.)

  It is through failures that children learn diligence and discipline so that they can become successful later in life. Excuses regarding their spaceyness will only weaken their development.

  Children will be spacey. They will be daydreaming sometimes and not hear your instructions. Other times they’ll simply forget. But for every action there is a consequence, and the sooner children learn that, the better.

  Spanking

  This is a hot topic, and parents are polarized on their perspectives. But you’re reading this book to see what I think as a psychologist and an expert, so I’ll tell you.

  There’s a time and a place for giving your child a whack on the behind as the most appropriate discipline you can come up with. That is when your child is defiant.

  What do I mean by defiant? Let’s say your child is playing with an electrical outlet, and you tell him, “No, I don’t want you to play with that. It’s dangerous.” But then he looks at you, narrows his eyes, and does it again. That’s defiance. It’s an active choice that says, “I am not going to obey you. In fact, I’m going to do exactly what you say not to do. I’m in charge.”

  Now don’t you think that deserves a swat on the behind? But let’s also define what a spanking is. Spanking should never be done when you, the parent, are angry. You need to remove your child from the situation and calm down first if you are angry. You won’t act rationally if you don’t. A swat on the behind needs to be preceded with an explanation of why you are spanking the child and should not be done simply as a knee-jerk reaction. “I don’t appreciate what you did just now. It showed me that you are choosing to disobey me and to do exactly what I’m asking you not to do. That is not respectful of me as your parent.” Then proceed with the swat.

  Let me clarify what I mean by a swat, though. A swat is an open hand on a kid’s tush. It’s a onetime shot.

  That is very different than a prolonged, angry spanking that whales on the child. Using your hand (so you can feel how hard you are swatting your child) is also different than hitting a child with a belt. Many angry parents, sadly, proceed to abuse their children instead of disciplining them to correct a behavior. If you were physically abused as a child, you should never use spankings as discipline for your children. There is too much baggage attached to it for you—and too many emotions. It would be very easy for you to lose control and do what your father or mother did to you.

  Some children are so sensitive that one spanking will do the trick for a lifetime. Other children will need more frequent reminders.

  But if you choose to spank, you have to keep the goal in mind: to correct the child’s behavior, not hurt the child. For example, if you tell your child he cannot play in the street, and he continually runs out into the street, a swat is in order. His behavior is dangerous. What happens when that car comes around the corner and doesn’t see the child, who is the height of a yardstick?

  Discipline should always be for the child’s best, not an angry response that makes you temporarily feel better—and guilty later.

  Spitting

  This is one of those habits that a lot of folks find repulsive. Little boys spit, and sometimes little girls do too. Some adults are also spitters.

  I’m a spitter myself. I’m one of those guys who just generates a lot of saliva. It’s all this postnasal drip. I can either hawk it out, asgross as that sounds, or, worse, swallow it back down. For years if I had to spit to clear my throat in the car, I’d roll down the window and pop one out, yelling “Fore!” (as you would in golf), then, “Look out below!” One day 3-year-old Lauren, who was always so serious, was in the car with me, and I proceeded to pop one out the window. A calm voice said from the backseat, “Uh, Dad, you forgot to say, ‘Fore!’” Another time when Kevin II was little, I had to spit out the window. I heard a little “aargh” from next to me. Kevin had attempted to model his dad’s behavior, and guess where it landed? Right on my neck.

  Don’t think spitting comes from thin air. The humor is that we get what we deserve. Our kids model themselves after us. What are you going to do about it? Your child is watching what you do and say. If you have a child who’s a spitter, there’s often a parent who’s a spitter.

  Is this a mountain? Nope. It’s a molehill. Chances are, your son won’t be hawking out a big one in front of his girlfriend in a few years, nor will he do it down the road in front of his boss. Some things are taken care of with maturity. Spitting is one of them . . . unless you’re me, of course.

  Sports Activities

  “He said he wanted to play soccer. We went twice, and he already wants to quit. He says he’s no good at it. But we spent so much money on the equipment, we don�
��t want him to quit. What should we do?”

  My rule with sports activities is the same as my rule for music lessons. If your child insists on trying a sport, he keeps with that sport for at least a quarter, a semester, or 6 months (in other words, a full season for that activity). Nothing is easy when you first try it. It’s like the old adage: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

  Don’t allow your child to be a quitter. Don’t allow her to hop from activity to activity. If she wants to try something, make sure she knows the rule up front: “You’re welcometo try anything, but then you have to stick with it for 6 months.”

  I also suggest that children try only one extracurricular activity at a time. Today’s families spend so much time running from activity to activity that they never have anyfamily time together at home. The family dinner is just about null and void . . . unless it’s McDonald’s in the car.

  If you have three children and each of them chooses one sports activity, you’ll be more than busy, especially if the activity has a schedule of multiple practices a week. If this is making your family too crazy and not allowing you home time as a family, then you all need to make some sacrifices. Perhaps your high school daughter will play volleyball in the winter, your son will play baseball in the summer, and your kindergartener will do ballet in the fall. You may need to limit yourself to one outing with your friends every two weeks or once a month, rather than once a week.

  Part of being a family is sacrificing for the good of the whole. What will last down the road? Your child will most likely change his interests multiple times. His friends will change. Your friends will change. But your family relationships are for a lifetime. Don’t set them on the shelf because of busyness.

  Stealing

  It doesn’t matter whether your child was caught in the act of stealing or not. What matters is that your child stole something. That behavior needs to be addressed immediately.

  Whether it was an 89-cent candy bar or a pair of designer jeans, the item needs to be returned as soon as possible to the owner, with the child in tow. But the fact that you walk the child into the store doesn’t mean you do the talking for the child. The child herself needs to hand the item to a store clerk (or a neighbor or whomever she stole from) with an apology: “I’m sorry I took it. I know it was wrong, and I am returning it to you.”

  Please, parents, do not sweep stealing under the rug because you’re embarrassed. If you discover, for example, that your son took a candy bar, march the child immediately back into the store, find the clerk, and hand the candy bar over with an apology from your child. You’ll probably notice that most times the adult tries to talk to you. Refocus the attention instead on the child, and make your child speak for himself.

  If you find out after the fact that your child has stolen (i.e., you’re back at home later in the evening or a day later and see the surprise item), call ahead and find out if the manager of the store is available so the child can apologize in person. Again, make sure the manager knows that he should address your child, not you, and that you want to make a point that stealing is not appropriate.

  Even though stealing is a very embarrassing situation for the parent and for the child who gets caught, there is no more need for discipline other than to return the item and face up to any action that the store (or the neighbor) requires. Stern words coming from an authority figure outside the home are usually enough to curb the behavior.

  One local store owner asked a boy who had stolen a watch to come in after school and sweep the floor for a week. Another asked a girl who had stolen a purse to pretend like she was a shopper and to keep her eye on other teens who might be possible shoplifters—intriguing punishment for the crime.

  Many children steal from stores. Other children steal cookies out of a cookie jar or take quarters off dressers at home. The location isn’t the issue; the important thing is that the stealing is addressed and the child is told that such behavior is not honest or appropriate. Unless he has been given something or paid for something, it is not his and should stay with the owner.

  Ownership should be firmly implanted in a child’s mind.

  Stomping out of the Room

  “It was such a grand performance—a dramatic stomp through the kitchen and up the stairs—that I could have laughed . . . but it made me too mad.”

  Children definitely know how to make statements, and stomping out of the room is a good one. It’s often paired, seconds later, with the slamming of a bedroom door (or the front or back door).

  What is a stomper saying? The same thing as a door slammer: “You are absolutely the stupidest parent I could have. I’m so mad I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m just going to show you. Take this!”

  The stomper has no idea how utterly ridiculous he looks. The wise parent will allow the child to finish the stomp through the house and exit out the door or to his bedroom. As mad as that stomp makes you, you’ll be smart to find something else to do for a while before confronting the behavior. If you go charging into the bedroom or run out the door, saying, “Let me tell you something, young man!” you’ll only make things worse. It’ll escalate the battle further. In power struggles with children, you’ll never win, so don’t go there. You have a lot more to lose than the child does in a power struggle, and you don’t have the single-minded focus that a child does. You have other things to get done.

  So wait until your child calms down, then go into his room (or wait in the living room for him to arrive back home) and say, “You seem mighty upset, and I’ve been thinking that what I said to you was inappropriate (or wrong), and I need to apologize.”

  Such an approach will startle your child. What? She’s gonna apologize? To me? This is new. . . .

  When you say to someone, “I was wrong,” and you apologize, most of the time that person will soften toward you. You’re the parent and the adult in the situation, so you apologize first. Then say, “Hey, listen, can we start over again? Before you stomped through the kitchen and I made a fool of myself by yelling at you and then following you down the hallway? Can we take a few minutes and talk about this? How do you feel?”

  Now who is going to argue with a speech like that?

  And what are you doing? You’re modeling an alternative way to respond. Getting mad, stomping through the house, slamming doors, and running away isn’t the way to respond. Instead, you’re saying, “Okay, we’re both mad. But we love each other, so let’s face this thing together. I want to know how you feel and what you think.”

  If you can get to that point with a child, you are establishing equality. You’re not projecting the “I’m holier than thou” approach. You’re meeting your child on even turf. Just about any child on the planet will respect that—once he’s cooled down.

  Stubbornness

  Children don’t come out of the womb stubborn. They learn to be stubborn—because it pays off.

  Let’s say a child refuses to go with you to see his grandparent. So what do you do? You dance around the child. “Oh, come on. It’s not that boring at Grandma’s. And she’d love to see you.”

  The child still refuses. He shakes his head stubbornly.

  “But, Daniel, she hardly has any company. It would mean so much to her if you come. Please do it. If nothing else, for me?”

  By now, you as the parent have adopted a wheedling tone. What’s the next step when the child refuses?

  “Okay, I know you don’t want to go, but if you go with me to Grandma’s sometimes, I’ll buy you that skateboard you wanted.”

  Aha, now your child’s interest perks up. He agrees to go. He got that skateboard without much trouble, didn’t he?

  You walk away thinking you won, but did you really? Your son has learned that if he holds out for a while, you’ll offer him the moon—and he’ll get it too. Your child has you wrapped around his finger, and you’re allowing it.

  What’s the purposive behavior of your child’s stubbornness? To get what he wants. So don’t give him the satisfacti
on of getting anything. Otherwise every child on the planetis smart enough to know that if he stalls long enough, you’ll go to Grandma’s without him, you’ll do the task yourself that you asked him to do, or you’ll completely forget your request in the first place.

  It’s a game of trial and error. Your kid’s got your number. Are you going to let him win? Or are you going to hold him accountable for his responsibilities?

  If you want your child to go with you to visit Grandma at the nursing home once a month, that’s not an over-the-top request. If he refuses, go without him. But then don’t drive him where he wants to go the next time.

  Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

  Talking Back

  Nothing ticks off a parent more than a child who talks back. Who disses you right to your face. Who has attitude, and then some. Most often this happens after you’ve given the child a command to do something she definitely doesn’t want to do.

  What’s your first gut reaction? To engage that child in battle, to show her exactly where she’s wrong. You want to outpower her, outargue her. But guess what? Parents never win in the “sass ’em back” game. Parents have too much to lose, and every child is smart enough to know it.

  Opening your mouth in response will only escalate the battle further. The best thing to do as soon as her mouth gets going is to shut your mouth, walk away, and get busy doing something else.

  Her jaw will drop. She’ll think, Huh? How come that didn’t work to get Mom riled? It sure used to. . . .

  All of a sudden you’ve taken the wind out of your child’s sails, and the sails deflate a bit. Not only that, but the direction of your child’s boat begins to flounder. She isn’t quite sure what’s going on.