Have a New Kid by Friday

by Kevin Leman

  I realize that some of you who read this book are not people of faith, so I’d like to share a story with you from the Bible.8 It’s for those of you who have had (or currently have) a prodigal, a child who has blown off your family beliefs and values. Perhaps he’s left home and lived in undesirable surroundings, engaged in things you never thought you’d see your child do, and embarrassed you in front of the whole neighborhood, not tomention all your friends and relatives.

  The prodigal in the Bible was tired of the way things were at home. He was restless. He went to his father and said, “You know, this place is Dullsville. I’m out of here. I want my fair share. I’m history. I’m leaving.”

  And the child did exactly that. He went and lived life the way he wanted to. He spent all his money—wasted it on wine, women, and song. Finally he came to his senses and realized that even his father’s farmhands were better off than he was because at least they had something to eat. So he went home to his father.

  One of the most moving parts of the whole story is when the father saw his son coming from afar . . . coming back home.

  What did that father do? When he saw his son, he ran to him! He embraced his son. He was absolutely delighted that his son had come home.

  I need to point out to you a couple of things he didn’t say.

  He didn’t say, “Well, look what the cat dragged in. Had enough of the independent life?” or “Oh, I suppose you’ve learned your lesson.” Not at all.

  That father embraced his son and loved him.

  It’s a great reminder for anyone who has a prodigal.

  Yes, you wish you could relive those 3 years your son was absent from you and got himself in so much trouble. But you need to rest in the fact that your son is now safely home. You need to start a new chapter in both of your lives. You need to love him and move on.

  Let’s just say it boldly. You’re not perfect. Your kid isn’t perfect. Sometimes your child will misbehave . . . and in colorful, exasperating, and embarrassing ways. Like the little girl whose parents asked her to lie down for a nap in her room on a Sunday afternoon while the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. “Mommy,” the little girl yelled out when she was supposed to be asleep, “guess where my fingers are?”

  Sometimes you will be the one who gives in when you know you shouldn’t . . . or the one who reverts to the old authoritarian ways you grew up with.

  None of us is perfect. Your children need the three-pronged foundation of Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence in order to become healthy, functioning members of society. They also need the character building of truth-telling and encouragement, rather than the false and empty platform of praise. Most of all, they need consistency. They need a mom and/or a dad who will stand up and be a parent. Even if that means being Public Enemy #1 of the kids for a while.

  Today is your day. Fun Day. The reward for your work and determination. The day you get to sit back and watch the fun! The look of absolute confusion on your child’s face when you launch your action plan will be priceless.

  Remember little Matthew, the 4-year-old in the “Monday” chapter, who dissed his mom in the car, then wondered why he wasn’t getting his usual milk-and-cookie snack after preschool? Who couldn’t understand his mother’s “no” until he was so desperate for his routine snack that he was finally willing to listen to the reason she refused to give the snack to him?

  Ah, but next came the very hardest part for any parent. That mother had to lean down and look that red-eyed, tear-stained, humbled 4-year-old in the eyes and still not give him what he wanted!

  How tempted do you think she was to give in? How tempted would you be? But what would have happened if she had? Would she really have won anything, for all her effort?

  Without determined follow-through from Mom, Matthew would have had no idea how serious she was or how much he had hurt her feelings. Most of all, that little ankle-biter, no taller than a yardstick, would have remained in the driver’s seat of that relationship.

  The old adage is right: sometimes love has to be tough. And sometimes you have to be the one to deliver that type of love. But if you do, the payoff will happen right in front of your eyes. You’ll be amazed!

  You too can experience what thousands of families already have: a complete revolution of their relationships and family life. Just read this story from a mother of three. It sure made me smile.

  EMAIL

  TO: Dr. Kevin Leman

  FROM: A no-longer overwhelmed mom in Texas

  Dear Dr. Leman:

  I attended the seminars you taught last weekend in Dallas, Texas. Thank you so much for the practical,easy-to-implement ideas. I put them into practice immediately.

  After the talk on Monday morning, I gathered up my 3children (ages 6, 4, and 3) and started home, which wasabout 30 minutes away. Since it was lunchtime, I decidedto stop at McDonald’s to eat. While waiting in line toorder, my 4-year-old started whining and tattling. I told her we were leaving, and as I walked to the exit doorwithout any food, all three of my lovely children startedscreaming, crying, jumping up and down, etc. Peoplewere looking at us like we were a bunch of lunatics. I loaded them in the van and started home. They allcontinued screaming and crying, so I turned the radio on as loud as it would go. The oldest and youngest finallyquieted down, but Emma, the 4-year-old, continued topitch a fit. When we arrived at home, I didn’t say a word,just picked Emma up out of the car, walked in the house,and went straight to the back door. I put her outside,closed the door, and locked it. She continued crying foranother 10 to 15 minutes, while I proceeded to fix lunch. Once she quieted down, I let her in to have lunch, and allthree behaved quite well the rest of the afternoon.

  My husband and I attended the Monday night sessionas well. Emma used to be a good sleeper, but a switchwas flipped when she turned 2, and bedtime has beenour battleground for 2 years. We’ve tried just abouteverything we could think of to get her to go to sleepwithout a fight. Although we had tried the isolationtechnique, it was usually paired with talking, a lecture,yelling, etc. As we listened to her screaming in her roomthat night after the session, I looked at my husband andsaid, “I think I’m going to put her outside.” He repliedwith, “I think I’ll help you.” We went upstairs, and withoutsaying a word, I pried Emma’s fingers from her coversand carried her, kicking and screaming, down to the back door. She even began screaming, “I want a spanking; I want a spanking; don’t put me outside.” I set herdown outside, closed the door, and locked it. Within 10seconds, I heard three little knocks on the door, followed by a very calm voice saying, “Mommy, I stopped mycrying.” When I opened the door, she headed upstairs,and we didn’t hear a peep out of her the rest of the night. Needless to say, my husband and I were amazed.

  To speak plain English, this mom and dad decided they were no longer going to put up with little Miss Emma’s power plays. So they decided to take action.

  They are not alone. Others who have tried the Have a New Kid by Friday strategies have said the following about their effectiveness:

  “Try these principles—they really work. But no wimpsare allowed. I took the chaos out of my home, and noweverybody—including me—loves living there a lot more.” Wilma, South Carolina

  “I was dubious at first when I heard about this as ‘themiracle cure,’ but it is. I’ve been a single dad for 5 years,and I’ve always felt bad that my 2 girls no longer havea mother. So I gave them everything they wanted, evenwhen I couldn’t afford it and had to do without somebasics myself to provide the latest toys for them. Then oneday, when they were 12 and 13, I realized, after they threwfits over not getting designer jeans, that I’d raised a coupleof brats. I was stunned. I felt even more inept. It wasn’tuntil a friend of mine talked about what she’d learned at one of your parenting seminars that I started to say no to their whining. I did like you said—I said no and stuck tomy guns. After 5 days, my older daughter came up to me, gave me a hug, and said, ‘Dad, I love you. You’ve made a lot of sacrifices for us.’ It was
the first time she’d hugged me in over a year since she’d become ‘cool.’”

  Stan, New York

  “My youngest daughter, Mary, has always been achallenge, but her behavior ramped up a notch whenshe turned 4. Nobody wanted to babysit for me anymore because they said Mary was impossible to control. I knew I had to do something. I was letting a 4-year-old ruleour home. My husband and I couldn’t even go out forour once-a-month date night anymore because she was such a handful. We tried your strategies, and they work! After she threw a screaming fit, Mary spent 20 minutesoutside our kitchen door, peering in while the rest of the family ate chocolate cake, her favorite dessert . . . andthere wasn’t any left over when she was finally done with her power tantrum. I waited 3 days, then made chocolate cake again. This time Mary joined us with no fussingand even said ‘please’ when I asked if she’d like a piece! That’s incredible in our home. My other children justlooked at me with big eyes. My oldest child winked andsaid, ‘Guess it’s working, Mom.’”

  Betty, Iowa

  “Devin was always a great kid. Then he turned 14. All of a sudden he started wearing black all the time, gothis entire arm tattooed without our permission, refused to participate in family activities, wouldn’t go to churchwith us anymore, and was surly every time I asked hima question. I finally sighed and gave up, figuring it wasjust a phase. I hoped he’d outgrow it. But it bugged mejust the same. He always expected us to be there forhim when he wanted something—like to be driven to afriend’s house—but he never showed us any respect. Finally I decided I’d refuse to drive him anywhere afterschool. It took 3 days of him calling me ‘stinkin’ crazy’and telling me it was my problem before he finally gotquiet and asked why . . . but what followed was the first good conversation we’ve had for nearly 6 months. Thatwas last night, and tonight he not only showed up for ourfamily dinner, he asked what he could do to help. I knowthe fight isn’t all over, but at least now we’re talking.”

  Jane, Illinois

  “Dinnertime was always a big battle zone. Neitherof my kids ever liked what I cooked, and they alwayscomplained. Based on your principles, I decided that I’dmake dinner for my husband and myself and just servemy kids empty plates. They couldn’t believe it! But theygot the message. I’m not on this earth to be a short-ordercook for them. And guess what? Last week theyeven offered to cook dinner for all of us . . . and theycleaned up too!”

  Amy, Texas

  “My son didn’t find a job after college, so he settled inback at home. Two years later, he was still at home, andit didn’t seem like he was making any effort to find a job. I work full time and take care of my aging mother, so I’m gone from home a lot. I’d come home to stacks ofdirty dishes and Nate sitting on the couch, eating pizza. Itwasn’t until I took your principles to heart and got toughthat things changed. I told him that to earn his keep,there were certain things he’d have to do around thehouse—and I left him a big list. I also stopped paying forcable TV and his Internet service, and I bought only thefood I needed and took a stash from my pantry in to workand over to my mother’s. His first response was shock,then anger. But after 3 weeks, he knew I meant business. I was asking him to stand up and be a man instead of ababy. Two weeks after that, he started job hunting andnow has a job that pays for his own apartment.”

  Kari, Indiana

  “I can’t believe I’m writing a letter to tell you thisbecause I’m not a letter-writing kind of guy. In the last 3 years, my wife and I have felt exhausted constantlybecause we couldn’t get our 6-year-old, Jessie, to stayin bed. She’s always roaming the house all through thenight, asking for drinks of water and snacks. We tookyour advice and insisted she stay in bed. When she didn’t, we firmly closed the door and ignored her crying. (Shedidn’t know it, but we had a baby monitor hidden in theroom so we’d know if she was really in trouble.) After 3 nights of this, Jessie was exhausted. She fell asleep. Ever since, she has stayed in bed on her own! Thank youfor giving us our life and some private time back! My wifewould thank you too . . . but she’s sleeping.”

  Martin, Oregon

  You’ve read the emails. You know the principles work. But what if they don’t seem to be working in your home? What do you do then?

  Perhaps you can identify with this parent:

  EMAIL

  TO: Dr. Kevin Leman

  FROM: Exasperated in Michigan

  Dear Dr. Leman:

  I’ve followed all of your principles, and I still have a 4-year-old with a mouth. Recently we were on my uncle’sboat, and Christopher began to fuss and complain abouteverything. I told him if he didn’t settle down immediately, there would be no amusement park tomorrow.

  (Wednesday is Kiddie Day, so we save by going then.) Hekept whining. I got really embarrassed and angry and toldhim we were not going to go to his favorite restaurant—across the lakefront—for lunch. Still no results.

  He finally settled down a half hour later in therestaurant, after my husband gave him a swat on his behind.

  I need more help in a hurry. If there’s any way you couldemail me back some advice, I’d be glad to pay for it.

  Here’s what I said:

  EMAIL

  TO: Exasperated in Michigan

  FROM: Dr. Kevin Leman

  Dear Exasperated:

  Let’s review the principles in light of your email.

  1. When Christopher fussed, you told him to stopimmediately. Basically that’s never a good ideabecause most 4-year-olds aren’t good at stopping anything immediately.

  2. You threatened Christopher twice. First you toldhim there would be no amusement park tomorrowunless he settled down. Then you told him you were not going to lunch at his favorite restaurant unlesshe settled down. Nowhere in my speech did I eversay to threaten your child. In fact, I pointed out that threatening a child is counterproductive to what you are trying to accomplish and not respectful toyour child. Threatening never works. Telling a kid, “If you don’t do this, I’m not going to give you . . . ” never works. You, as parent, will always lose in that situation. Your child understands you well enough to know, from past experience, that you’ll give in if he just fights or whines loudly enough.

  3. “Tomorrow” means nothing to a 4-year-old. It’s toodistant. An eternity away. So threatening him with not going to the amusement park didn’t even register on his radar screen.

  4. When you told him you weren’t going to take him tolunch, I bet your uncle and the other folks on that boat were happy to hear that.

  5. Even when you said you wouldn’t take the childto lunch, obviously you took him. Two of the most important principles in parenting are consistency and follow-through. You need to be consistent inyour actions all the time and follow through on what you say you will do. If you say something is going to happen, it should happen.

  I applaud you and thank you for being honest. Youshowed yourself to be human and used the termsangry and embarrassed to describe yourself. Those are probably good reasons your husband decided to give Christopher a swat on the behind in the restaurant.

  What you need to understand about kids is that they will get attention. And they will get it in either a positive ora negative manner. Your time on the boat was a powerstruggle in which your son was determined to makeyou pay attention to him. After all, it’s hard to ignore a 4-year-old who is misbehaving on a boat.

  However, if you were doing things according to myprinciples—and you were out on the lake and your 4-year-old started to misbehave, you would ask thecaptain of the boat if he would mind dropping you andyour 4-year-old off at the dock. You wouldn’t threatenyour child with missing the amusement park. Your child would miss lunch, so it would be a consequence forboth your son and you—hopefully one that both of youwould remember in future exchanges. There would be no power struggle, because you would remain calmlyin charge and your son would experience immediateconsequences.

  If you use these principles consistently and alwaysfollow through on what you say you will do, you will have a different child on your
hands by Friday. And you willhave a smile on your face most of the time. I guarantee it!

  The key to any action plan is consistency and follow-through. So many parents I’ve talked to say they’ve tried everything—spanking, taking away allowances, withholding privileges, etc. They’ve read all the books and consulted a bunch of experts, and nothing works.

  But what they’ve been trying to do is similar to a frog jumping from lily pad to lily pad and never landing on any particular one for long. Is it any wonder that both children and parents are exasperated? So much confusion is created by the parents “switching the plan” continually to try to find something that works better. The Leman strategy is simple. Say it once. Turn your back. Walk away. Let reality be the teacher. Learn to respond rather than react. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

  It’ll win the game every time. Guaranteed.

  The Top Ten Countdown

  to Having a New Kid by Friday

  10. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.

  9. Always follow through on what you say you will do.

  9. Always follow through 8. Respond, don’t react.

  7. Count to 10 and ask yourself, “What would my old self do in this situation? What should the new me do?”

  6. Never threaten your kids.

  5. Never get angry. (When you do get angry, apologize quickly.)

  4. Don’t give any warnings. (If you warn your child, you’re saying, “You’re so stupid, I have to tell you twice.”)