by Rina Kent
The blurry lines from earlier and the black haze slowly dissipate when her face comes into view.
She’s staring at me with those huge green eyes that have never left my head, not since yesterday, not since a century ago.
Her lips part in stupefaction – or worry, I don’t know which. All I can think about is how I feasted on those lips, how they felt beneath my teeth and against my tongue.
How I tasted her, like I secretly fantasised for years, and how that single taste has opened Pandora’s fucking box, unleashed the devil’s minions, and even the jinn that Ahmed used to tell me stories about.
Because now, I’m hit by the need to taste her again, and this time, I don’t want to stop – or finish.
I want to free fall to hell.
Fuck me.
I went to fight so I could purge these thoughts, but they just keep magnifying. Her view isn’t helping either. It’s like a storm, and I’m only destined to fall, to sin, to bloody perish.
“What the hell are you doing?” she shrieks, staring at the blood oozing from Ronan’s lips. “Are you crazy?”
Yup. Totally am. Otherwise, none of this would’ve happened.
A mistake.
It was all because of alcohol.
I can tell myself that all day, but making my brain believe it is a different story altogether.
That thing is starting to hate me for the amount of rubbish I pour in it on a daily basis.
Mutual, mate.
Kimberly pushes me away with ease – actually, no. All she has to do is use her hold on my arm and I’m out of the way as if I was never there.
Just a touch, I tell myself. One single touch.
I rise to my feet, guided by her hands around my biceps. Her hands are on me.
Hands. On. Me.
Fuck, why does that feel so good? And surreal.
And fucking wrong.
She releases me just as fast. The lack of contact is like being thirsty and given water so it can be taken away at the last second. Her attention falls on Ronan and she helps him up.
The beast inside me roars back to life as he grins down on her with an expression so pure, it stabs me a hundred times all at once.
I lunge at him again, and he smiles defiantly, not even attempting to cover his face. Kimberly moves in front of him, making me stop in my tracks.
Her stance widens and she tips her chin as she glares up at me. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but stop being a morbid dog or I’ll call the principal.”
Morbid dog.
That’s the word. A dog. I’ve been reduced to less than a dog because of her. At least a dog has principles, loyalty. I don’t.
The worst part is, I have no way to stop it.
As I glare at Ronan, I pretend she doesn’t exist and tell her, “This is none of your business. Get out of the way.”
“Well, I’m making it my business. You don’t get to hurt Ro on my watch.”
Ro.
Fucking Ro.
If she’s calling him that on purpose to worsen my insanity case, then it’s fucking working.
Someone book the psychiatrist ward. And the ambulance because if I’m going to be locked up for being crazy, might as well kill this fucker.
“Yes, Kimmy. Protect me from this crazy twat.” Ronan pouts as he holds her hand in his and strokes the back. Since he’s behind her, I can see all the fakery in that expression, the taunting behind his eyes, and then he just smirks at me.
He fucking smirks, motioning at her hand in his.
That’s it. He’s dead. In his sleep, in his car, in his pool. Doesn’t matter, it’s going to happen.
I laugh, the sound humourless and harsh as I address her, “You think you can stop me? Know your fucking place.”
“You know your place. You can’t just push people around and punch them simply because you want to or you can. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
Because it revolves around you.
Nope. No. I didn’t think that.
That thought needs to be fucking eradicated.
At this rate, either she needs to disappear or I do. Otherwise, it’ll be fucking chaos from now on.
“Watch. Me.” I advance forward, but she doesn’t move or shrink back. There’s a slight tremble in her chin, which means she is scared, but she doesn’t let it take its toll on her.
Kimberly still stands in front of the fucker Ronan, unmoving, as if his safety is her purpose in life.
His safety.
His.
I come to a halt a few steps away from them, watching the scene with whatever clarity I have after all the alcohol and weed I consumed like a hippie. My head hurts, and my face burns, but the worst pain comes from the thing beating out of synch in my chest.
They were laughing and having fun earlier. She’s protecting him now.
And he stopped sleeping around.
The reality hits me like a punch to the nose. I’ve never seen her so happy with someone other than Kir until Ronan.
I’ve never seen him go out of his way for a girl until Kimberly.
“Now, if you’ll excuse us, Kimmy and I have to talk about our date.” Ronan’s voice is clear, not mocking, just stating facts.
Date.
They’re going on a fucking date.
I stare at her, waiting for her denial. Kimberly doesn’t go on dates. Kirian is her entire life and she doesn’t like to be distracted from him. Besides, she doesn’t have the confidence to. I know because I watch her more than I do myself.
She can’t go on a date with Ronan of all people. It just can’t happen.
I smile at them, but I’m sure it appears like some lunatic’s rather than mine. “Nice try.”
“Who says it’s a try?” Ronan smiles back.
“Ronan,” I growl.
“Xander,” he coos.
I glare at him, communicating all he needs to know.
Stay the fuck away.
Don’t test me or I’ll crush you like a cockroach.
Apparently, that fate doesn’t scare him since he speaks in a dramatic tone. “By all means, if you have any objection, say it now or forever hold your peace.”
Kimberly’s gaze strays my way. It’s so hopeful, I want to fucking gut myself and step on the remains.
Why does she have to look at me that way?
Didn’t I tell her to stop fucking tempting me? To stop hoping for things from me?
The more she does, the harder I’ll destroy her.
“I do.” I glare at her as I tell him, “She’s a mess you don’t want in your life.”
Her face falls as if I’ve kicked her in the stomach, stepped on it, then did the same to a puppy.
This is the only way to keep her away.
Believe me, this pain is nothing compared to the other.
“Let me worry about that. I love messes.” Ronan’s grin is permanently irritating and wishing for my fist to erase it. He tugs on her hand. “Kimmy, anything you want to say to Xander while we’re in this holy gathering?”
She’s looking at Ronan as she speaks in a calm tone. “I can’t talk to someone who’s nothing. He doesn’t even exist anymore.”
Nothing.
Doesn’t exist anymore
I pretend her words don’t slice me open and leave a bottomless hole that’s feeding on my life essence.
My smile turns threatening. “You owe me, Berly. Remember?”
She finally faces me, expression stern, determined. Closed off. “I owe you nothing. I’m done begging for a forgiveness you’ll never grant. I’m done with you and your games and your cold shoulder. I. Am. Done.”
And with that, she pulls on Ronan’s hand and brushes past me without a glance.
Without a look behind her.
I can clutch her by the wrist and pull her back. I can bring her to my side and let the world know she’ll always belong there.
But I don’t have the right to.
That knowledge slices me open
more than her words. It deepens the hole, making it unrecognisable. Almost as if it’s from another universe.
“Say it,” Ronan whispers so only I can hear him as he follows her. “One word.”
Stop.
That’s the word he’s waiting to hear, and I know he’ll let go. Or I can make him with a few more punches.
My face hardens as I watch him take her from between my fingers. I stand there like a bloody fool, unable to do the one thing I ever wanted in my life.
Sometimes, what you want is the one thing you can’t get.
The one thing that will be taken away from you.
Ronan shakes his head and goes with her.
I watch their backs disappearing into the school building, and it feels as if my entire life has gone with them.
My phone vibrates with a text.
Ronan: You had your chance and you lost it.
Ronan: I’ll send pictures.
I throw the phone against a tree, making it crack. The only words that keep running in my head is her voice, her words, her resignation.
I. Am. Done.
14
Kimberly
“Ronan?” Elsa nearly shrieks and I cover her mouth with my palm.
We’re sitting around a table in her house’s garden. Since it’s a rare sunny day, we decided to study outside. We’re sipping on juice. Or rather, Elsa is. I’ve only drunk water since I got here.
Water makes you full and keeps some of the hunger away.
She removes my hand and whisper-hisses, “You’re going on a date with Ronan?”
“It just happened.” I scribble a line with my pencil on a draft paper.
“You don’t go with things just because they happen.” Elsa pushes her notebook away, her eyes narrowing like a detective with a criminal. “Is it because of Xander?”
I told her about the kiss and the fight between the two of them earlier, because if I didn’t, I would’ve gone crazy trying to figure out what the hell happened.
Even now, I have no idea what’s going on.
“No. I mean maybe…” I stare at her from underneath my lashes. “Is it wrong that I want normal for once?”
“Of course not.” Elsa’s expression softens. “You were always a romantic at heart; it’s not weird to want that. What’s wrong is to push yourself to go down a road just because the circumstances forced you.”
“Isn’t that what happened between you and Aiden?”
“Not really. I didn’t have to force myself to be with Aiden. It was the other way around. I had to force myself to ignore the connection we had, because he scared the living fuck out of me.” She pats my hand once. “I don’t want to see you making the same mistake.”
“It’s not the same. Aiden has always looked at you like you’re his world and chased you relentlessly. All Xander’s ever done is push me away. At first, it was painful, then it became a permanent ache, and now, I can’t breathe. I want to breathe, Elsa.”
My eyes fill with tears and her face scrunches as if she can feel my pain and shares it. Elsa is known as Frozen at school because she has an epic resting bitch face and that ‘I don’t care about the world’ attitude. To see her this concerned about me warms my heart and pushes that fog back a bit.
“I’m with you, whatever you decide, Kim. If you think you’ll be happy with Ronan, then I’m all for it. Just…don’t force yourself into something you don’t want, okay? It’ll only eat you from the inside out.”
I nod, wiping away the moisture with my forefinger.
“You still haven’t told me what was on your mind that day at the hospital?” Her attention is still zeroed on me.
I pull my hand from hers and clutch a pen, pretending to read through my notes, even though they’re blurry lines. “It’s nothing.”
“It didn’t seem as if it was nothing, Kim.”
I was going to tell Elsa about the cutting, but I chickened out again, and now, my mind is in a mush. Peeking at her, I wet my lips. Maybe I can ask her for help, maybe I can say it.
You like Elsa too much, so you do everything to appear perfect in front of her, and by doing that, you kill parts of yourself slowly, thinking if she actually saw your true self-harming, vein-cutting, pill-popping self, she’d give up on you.
Xan’s words play in my mind on a loop. He hit the nail on the head with that one, the bastard.
I really do love Elsa too much to stress her out or worse, to bring something that will ultimately make her disgusted with me.
Once upon a time, Xander was my best friend and he became repulsed with me. Silver was also my friend, but she eventually pulled away from me as if we were never close.
Even though I know in my heart that Elsa is different, I can’t take the risk of losing her, too.
What if she doesn’t understand why I brought that blade to my veins? Or why I think about repeating it every day since?
What if, instead of understanding, there will be judgemental looks or, worse, pity?
I know I’m only buying time. When Dad returns, he’ll know. He always seems to know so much about me. Maybe if I tell Dad, I’ll tell her, too.
Maybe.
I’m about to deflect when Teal runs out of the house, cursing. She’s wearing jeans ripped at the knees, under which there are fishnet stockings.
Elsa laughs, her attention being robbed by her foster sister. “Knox spooked you again?”
“He’s a twat.” Teal regulates her breathing and takes a deep one as she watches me peculiarly for a second before she joins us.
Her white T-shirt for the day reads, No Man’s Land.
“Nice one.” I smile at her, thankful she saved me from Elsa’s questioning. I know my best friend will revisit the subject one day, but that day isn’t today.
Besides, when that day comes, I’ll just be ready for it.
Teal nods but says nothing as she sits on the other side of Elsa. Usually, she’d settle between us, and I’ve always thought it’s because she sees me as the middle line between her and her sister. I thought we were becoming friends. Hell, she even goes to Elites’ games with me.
Just not anymore.
Lately, she’s been keeping her distance as if she doesn’t want to be involved with me. Not that it should be a surprise. I don’t have the best track record with friends.
“Are you guys going to the game?” Elsa asks us.
“Wait, you’ll go?” Teal twirls the earbuds between her fingers.
“Sure.”
“What happened to I’ll never go to their games?” I poke her side.
“Aiden.” She smiles like an idiot. “It’s his last season and I want to be there for him.”
“Ohh,” I taunt her.
“Stop it. So are you going?”
“No, I have to take care of Kir.” And keep a distance from a certain arsehole with golden hair and ocean eyes.
I don’t even like football, but I’ve always gone to Elites’ games. I pretend it’s for the team, for Ronan, for the thrill, but it’s for him.
Only him.
I stand there, watching him from the beginning to the finish. I learnt the rules because he plays the game. I bought jerseys with Xander’s number nineteen for Kir because he loves him so much.
It’s pathetic.
And for that reason, it needs to stop.
I meant it earlier, I’m done.
“You should go, Kim.” Teal motions at Elsa’s juice and when she nods, she takes a sip. “Thirteen can use moral support.”
“Pretty sure Ro can use a different type of support.” Elsa grins.
Teal’s face remains neutral.
I laugh. “That he can. He’s been talking about that threesome again.”
“He mentioned it the other day, too.” Elsa shakes her head. “If he keeps doing that, he’ll get killed by Aiden before the end of the year.”
“I told him that. I swear he has no fear for his life.”
“He doesn’t?” Teal’s question stops us both in
our tracks. “Have no fear for his life, I mean.”
Elsa hums, “Actually, I think he doesn’t. He said his father has his entire life planned for him, including his marriage and all, and he hates it.”
I nod. “I think he’s treating this as a last hurrah before he’s shoved to succeed his dad’s name and legacy.”
Teal’s lips twitch and I swear she’s about to smile, but she goes back to her signature poker face.
We drop the subject and Teal returns inside, peeking first so Knox doesn’t startle her again.
Then Elsa and I finish studying, and after I tell the girls goodbye, I pick up Kir.
Once we get home, we blast music and dance to it together, goofing around. He’s the only human I can dance this freely in front of. I’ve been teaching him moves and he’s been telling me I’m getting old.
The dork.
Mum comes out of her studio once to pick up supplies that are delivered. We lower the music and keep tickling each other and blocking our laughs so she doesn’t hear.
However, not once does she acknowledge our presence as she directs the deliverymen to carry the canvases to her studio.
Kirian’s pout appears as he watches her with puppy eyes, fidgeting, waiting for a smidge of her attention. It looks so much like me when I was a child.
You mean, even now.
I continue tickling him to divert his focus from her. As soon as the deliverymen leave and she closes her studio – that’s soundproof – we go back to dancing until we collapse.
It’s his bedtime anyway, so I usher him to his room.
“Can Xan come over?” Kir asks me once he’s put on his pyjamas and I’m tucking him in his bed.
“No,” I snap, then smile to camouflage it.
“But why not? It would be fun to dance with him.”
“I don’t like dancing in front of others. Only you, my little monkey.”
“And Dad!”
“And Dad.”
He FaceTimed us earlier and we spoke to him for thirty minutes. Kir didn’t shut up about school and his friends and how he’s the most popular one.
He is. Girls are starting to give him letters.
At least one of us isn’t a complete loser.
I told Dad I miss him and resisted the urge to ask him when he’s coming home this time. It’ll only make him feel guilty and I don’t want to ever do that to him.