Did Hannah imagine it or did Angie’s smile seem forced? Did she regret last night? It was terrifying to think that the way she kissed might be off-putting, that Angie could think of her in the same way Hannah thought about Oliver.
But that night, Angie crawled into her bed as soon as the lights were out. Before she flipped the switch, Angie put on a Talking Heads cassette. While the tape spooled one song into the next, they came together. They didn’t speak, Angie’s hands in her hair in the dark while they rolled around discovering. They fell asleep together, and Hannah woke up at dawn to the sound of Angie climbing back onto her mattress.
In the daytime, they kept their routine of getting up early to go to the pool. Though Hannah was tired from the late nights, her movements were fluid and strong. She swam length after length with Angie parallel to her, always just by her side or right behind her.
Without Tim pushing her, she was free to remember why she liked swimming in the first place. She pulled herself easily through the water, vowing that she’d try to hold onto this feeling somehow when Angie was gone.
There was only one week left for them to be together. Maybe something would happen. Angie’s dad might need to continue working in Melbourne for a few extra days, or there might be a flight cancellation. Any delay in Angie leaving her would be better than nothing. Time counted down on a big red clock in her head, like a bomb was going to detonate.
At the pool’s end, she paused. Angie finished her turn before she realized that Hannah had stopped. After a few moments, Angie swam back to her, treading water. She slid her goggles back, a deep impression from them around her eyes. Hannah pushed hers back too.
“Sorry, I just needed a minute,” Hannah said.
“That’s cool. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Are you?”
Angie stared at her, then grinned. “I’m great.”
“Good. I can’t wait for you to meet my friends tonight.”
“Me neither. They sound like fun. I want to see these chicks who are lucky enough to spend so much time with you. And I’m so excited about eating pizza,” Angie’s eyes rolled up toward the ceiling.
Hannah took Angie’s hands under the water. They floated, their arms moving in circles together, legs kicking beneath them. Angie looked around, and when it was clear that the kids gathered in the shallow end weren’t watching, she reached over the lane divider and hugged Hannah. Hannah clutched her shoulders, Angie’s slight frame warm against hers in the water.
Paul drove them to Marie’s place in the early evening. They climbed from the backseat of the wagon onto Marie’s pebbled driveway. Statues of white stone were scattered on the lawn—angels, gargoyles, birds, and lions. Inside the two-story house was splashed with the color of feature walls and art prints.
As a kid, Hannah loved playing at Marie’s house because of the bright decorations, and now she loved coming over because of the freedom. The place was so big that Marie and her sister had a rumpus room for themselves downstairs, with a bathroom and kitchenette.
Hannah pressed the doorbell, which played a loud electronic tune. Angie giggled, leaning against her and grabbing her shoulder. “I see what you mean. This place is so kitschy. I love it.”
Marie answered the door with her hand on her hip. Her hair was swept to the side in a ponytail held in place by a scrunchie. “Hello.”
“Hey. This is Marie, Marie this is Angie,” Hannah said.
“Nice to meet you,” Angie said.
Debbie was already there, so the introductions continued in the rumpus room. Like Marie, Debbie had curly hair but she achieved hers with a perm. When Debbie looked Angie up and down, Hannah was sure Debbie was comparing herself. She was sensitive about her upturned nose and freckles, no matter what anyone said to compliment her.
“I love your sweater!” Angie said to Debbie.
Hannah looked at the large geometric shapes in bright colors. She would never wear anything like that, but she could imagine Angie in it. Angie had so much more in common with her friends. It was easy to imagine Angie taking her place if she lived here, only she would never do anything like that.
They settled onto beanbags on the rust-brown carpet, and Marie’s mother bustled in carrying a tray of sodas. Hannah had admitted to herself a couple of years ago that she had a crush on Mrs. Stevens. She was younger than the parents of most of her friends and always looked nice. Right now, there was a string of silver bracelets down her arm as she elegantly carried the tray, straight-backed and smiling.
“Girls, Mr. Stevens is picking up the pizzas right now and he’ll be back any minute.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Stevens,” they chorused.
“So. What’s been going on at school?” Hannah asked, reclining onto the beanbag with her cherry soda.
“You haven’t missed anything. Except that Marie and Scott are over,” Debbie replied.
“Oh no, are you okay?” Hannah asked. She didn’t like Scott, but he was part of the popular group at school. Marie had been thrilled when he started paying attention to her, inviting her to parties at his house and sitting next to her in class.
“I’m fine. It was my idea. Scott’s a moron. All boys are morons, I’ve decided,” Marie said, examining her fingernails. “Who needs them, anyway?”
Hannah checked out Angie’s reaction and quickly looked away. Angie was trying not to laugh, and she always wanted to laugh when Angie did. “Well, I’m sorry anyway.”
“What about you, Angie? Are you dating anyone back home? I bet American boys are cute,” Debbie said.
“No, not right now,” Angie said, a flush creeping up her neck.
Mrs. Stevens came in with the pizza boxes, a roll of garlic bread placed on top of the stack. “Here we go, my darlings. We made sure we got a plain cheese one for you, Hannah.”
“Thank you,” she said.
She chewed on a slice, listening while her friends questioned Angie about what it was like to live in America. They talked about the food and the long summer vacation, and Marie asked if people dressed differently over there. Was it like they made it look on the movies? Marie was obsessed with Molly Ringwald and Angie had seen all her films too.
“I love the way you do your makeup, Angie,” Debbie said, waving her finger at Hannah. “You should teach her how to do eyeliner like yours. It would look so good on her. I’m always trying to tell her.”
Angie wiped grease from her chin with a napkin. “But Hannah’s a natural beauty. She doesn’t need it.”
“Oh no, of course, she doesn’t need it. I just think it would look good on her.”
Marie tossed a balled-up napkin that hit Debbie in the face. “She’s right, Debs. You’re being a peer pressurer. Just say no, Hannah!”
Debbie froze then grabbed a discarded pizza crust to throw at Marie. They shrieked and Marie and Hannah pinned Debbie to the bottom of a pile of bodies. Hannah could make out Angie’s muffled giggling as she joined the fray.
* * *
The day before Angie flew out, Angie lay down on her mattress as soon as they arrived home from training. Pulling the striped duvet over herself, she yawned, her hair fanning across the pillow.
“Don’t let me sleep too long, okay?” she said. “Twenty minutes. It’s my last day. I don’t want to miss it.”
“Okay, I won’t,” Hannah said.
“I just want to be able to stay up late with you tonight, okay?”
“It’s all right. Don’t worry. I’ll wake you,” Hannah said, but Angie was already gone.
She checked her watch then lay on her side, resting her chin on her forearm. When she was asleep Angie threw an elbow over her face, but she could still see her mouth, and the way her soft pink lips were slightly parted.
When the time had passed, Hannah said her name softly. Angie’s eyes snapped open. They stared back at Hannah unfocused; then she pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes.
“Ugh, now I feel sad. I always feel sad when I wake up during the day like this. I shou
ldn’t have gone to sleep.”
“Come up here. It’s okay. My parents won’t come in when the door’s closed,” she said, taking Angie in her arms.
They kissed for a long time until Angie pulled away, sighing. Hannah lay on her back while Angie rested on her chest, clutching her shirt in a fist. Something about their pose made Hannah feel strong, grown up in a way she hadn’t ever known.
“I can’t believe I have to go home tomorrow. I hate it. I feel like shit,” Angie said.
“I wish you didn’t have to go too. I really do.”
“You know…I…”
It was quiet. Hannah turned her head, brushing her lips against the top of Angie’s head. “Angie? What do you want to say?”
“You know I like you for real, don’t you? I’m not just pretending with you or anything dumb like that.”
Hannah closed her eyes. How much could she say? How much should she risk? “I guess I was hoping so.”
It was quiet again, then Angie pulled on her shirt. “You’re such a dummy!”
“What do you mean? Why am I a dummy?”
“Well, do you like me back, or what?” Angie said, lifting Hannah’s shirt. She pressed a crescent into her stomach with a fingernail once, and then again.
“Of course, I do! I like you a lot,” Hannah said, drawing back enough for them to kiss. “Like, really like you.”
“You do?”
“I do. I’ve been thinking that I wanted to ask you something. You can say no if you want. I know you live so far away, and we won’t get to see each other much. But…would you…want to be my girlfriend?”
Until now, as much as she’d been thinking about it, she couldn’t say it aloud. She worried that this was only practice for Angie. The magazines Marie read had articles about this stuff, and they said that girls who had crushes on other girls usually grew out of it.
Hannah didn’t think she would grow out of it, and since meeting Angie, she didn’t want to.
“Of course, I do! It doesn’t matter about the distance. We can still write letters to each other all the time,” Angie said with a smile in her voice.
“The distance doesn’t bother you?”
“Well, yeah, of course, I wish we lived in the same place. But I don’t like anyone at home. I only like you.”
“Me neither. I’ll send you mixtapes and cards. I want to give you something now,” Hannah said, staring around the room. If only she had a ring or a bracelet. She knew how much Angie liked her watch, so she pulled the band out from one of its loops. “Here. You can have the mermaids.”
“I can’t take your watch!” Angie said, wide-eyed.
“I want you to have it.”
Hannah helped her put it on, Angie adjusting it so the face pointed inward.
“Thank you. I’ll treasure it. I really will,” Angie said, kissing her cheek. “I’m so glad I met you, Hannah.”
“Me too.”
Her girlfriend. Hannah couldn’t believe it.
Chapter Seven
2000 - Melbourne
Hannah tipped shredded wheat into a bowl, garnishing it with a sliced banana. Before sitting down to eat, she dashed across the room gathering plates and mugs to dump in the sink. A basket of clothes she’d taken from the line the day before sat on the kitchen table. Hannah roughly folded shirts and underwear and then ran the basket to her room.
Aside from her car, Hannah’s two-bedroom townhouse was the only purchase she had to show for her swimming career. It was usually immaculate, but with being so busy lately, she’d let things slide. Marie was coming over tonight, but Hannah wanted it to look good for herself too.
The apartment was especially lovely in the morning. Sun streamed in from the sliding glass door at the rear, casting buttery light over the polished hardwood floor. Framed black-and-white photos of her family lined the stairwell, and she’d invested in a few pieces of antique furniture. She was spending less time here lately, but it was her sanctuary and her favorite place in the world.
Powering up the computer in her study nook, she shoveled cereal into her mouth, waiting for the screen to light up. This time was precious, moments snatched from the jaws of her team. She was due at the gym in an hour to see her trainer, then she would go back to the pool to swim under Neil’s supervision, and after that, there was a massage booked.
It was two weeks since she’d seen Angie. Why did Angie ask if it was okay to email if she wasn’t planning to follow through? She hated how compulsively she’d been checking. She promised herself that she’d only look once this morning.
She put her hand on her throat. A bold unread email waited for her.
Hey Hannah,
Sorry it’s taken me a while to write. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I wanted to wait until I knew what I wanted to say.
Again, congratulations on the trial. You killed it out there, and I loved watching that race. I have every confidence in you, I really do. I think you’re more powerful than you’ve ever been, surer of yourself in the water in a way that can only come from experience. Not blind faith like we had back then when we were younger and didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into! And I’m not just saying this because I’m on the coaching team and I want you to make us look good! I know you will anyway.
So, to what I’ve been wanting to say. I didn’t know how to bring it up when I saw you, and I came to your place in Bondi that day with every intention of saying it, but I didn’t know quite how to handle things. I don’t know how to act, and I get the feeling that you don’t either.
What I wanted to say to you was that I’ve always felt bad about the way things went down between us. I wonder if you’ve spent as much time thinking about it as I have. Probably not.
I want to be able to talk about this stuff with you, because for a while you were my best friend. I know friends come and go in life, but in these past years, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to anyone as I did with you. And when I saw you, it was like I was a teenager again, remembering all this stuff and how close we were, how we could talk about everything. Being friends with you made me feel so much less alone.
You were kinder to me than I deserved, but I could tell you were still angry with me or wary of me or whatever, and I don’t blame you one bit. But thanks for talking to me anyway. You don’t know how much it means.
Anyway, I just wanted to bring it up, so we could talk about it and clear the air.
Does any of this make sense to you at all?
- A.
Hannah shoved the mouse away as though it might bite her. What was she supposed to say to that? Taking a deep breath, she positioned her fingers on the keyboard.
A moment later she changed her mind again. No, Angie could wait, like she’d waited all these years.
That night Marie burst into Hannah’s place, carrying a foil-wrapped tray and a six-pack of beer. She kicked the door behind her, blowing a lock of hair from her face. Hannah chuckled at the sight of her best friend using her ass to press the door back into place. She always left the door unlocked for Marie, who was never great with knocking anyway.
“Hey, hey! Cheat night is here. I’m here for you! Nachos and beer, has there ever been a better marriage?”
“What about your marriage?”
“Don’t even talk about Scott. He’s in my bad books right now,” Marie said, setting the tray and beer down. She opened the drawer under the counter, cutlery rattling around until her hand reappeared with a bottle opener. “He’s such a shit. Came home so late after his big night out with the boys.”
“Oh no, not coming home late!” she said. “How will your marriage ever survive?”
Marie flipped open the beers. “You can make fun as much as you want, but he kept me awake for hours! Mumbling and singing songs from whatever trashy sports bar they were hanging out in. I made sure I got up extra early and banged around in the kitchen.”
Marie walked over with the drinks, cackling. Hannah took plates from the cupboard and la
id them on the table, adding a roll of paper towel to the center.
“You’re such a harpy,” she said.
“I tell you, you have the right idea, being single,” Marie said, dropping a pile of nachos onto her plate.
“It’s not a choice at this point. How would I even have time for a girlfriend with the way my schedule is?”
“You’d make time if you truly wanted one.”
They ate in happy silence, Hannah licking sour cream from her fingers. She’d been craving junk food for days.
“I’m going to eat so much crap when this is all done. Once in a blue moon is not enough,” she said. She jogged her leg, glancing over her shoulder toward her study nook.
The monitor’s green light blinked. She didn’t have the heart to turn it all the way off; the computer only slept.
“Am I keeping you from something? Are you watching porn to keep you warm at night? It’s so much easier to get with the net,” Marie said.
“Not my thing. It’s nothing. I owe someone an email. That’s all.”
Marie raised her eyebrows. “Someone? Is that what you’re calling her these days?”
There was a brief standoff in which Hannah pulled a chip from the pile, and Marie raised her eyebrows even higher.
“Okay yes, you’re right. It’s Angie. She finally got in touch. I don’t know what to say to her now, though. There was all this stuff about how we were best friends,” she said, using air quotes.
“Well, that’s just stupid. Angie wasn’t your best friend, I was.”
“Yeah. You’re kind of missing the point.”
“I’m kidding! I’m sorry, Hannah. That must have been weird. That is an odd thing for her to say,” Marie said, tipping her head back to collect the last drop from her beer bottle.
She shrugged. “I feel like she’s trying to apologize and yet…not? Like, sorry it happened, but it was not at all a proper apology the more I think about it. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think I know exactly what you mean. Scott is a master of the non-apology. He’s always saying he’s sorry that I’m upset as if he has nothing to do with it. As if it’s not his dickish behavior that makes me mad in the first place! Have you replied to her yet?”
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