Running Deep

by Bette Hawkins

  When he still didn’t budge, she yanked her headphones off. “What do you want, Tony?”

  “’Ello ’ello ’ello,” he said, looking pleased with his fake British accent. “What do we ’ave here?”

  “Breakfast?” she replied, nodding her head toward her tray. “That’s the morning meal, so I’ve heard.”

  “Right you are. You didn’t sit with us on the plane. I’ve barely seen you since we got here. So, I’ve been pondering, how’s your head?” he asked, tapping his temple. “Got it in the game or not?”

  “Of course, I do. I always do. My mom came with me. That’s why I didn’t sit with you guys.”

  He mimed searching behind Hannah. “But your mommy’s not here now, is she? You’re not hiding her under your shirt? Want to sit with us now?”

  “Thanks, but I just want to chill out and be by myself.”

  “Okay lezzo, sit by yourself then,” he said, sticking out his tongue crudely before he finally shuffled past her.

  “All right, dickhead,” she muttered.

  It wasn’t the first time he’d called her that word. Had he figured out that she really was a lesbian, or was he just doing it to get under her skin? There was something oddly friendly about how he used it. It was confusing, but she never reacted or asked him about it. She was nowhere near telling anyone about how she felt, but she had made a promise to herself that she wouldn’t outright deny it.

  She looked around for a table where she could be alone. If she turned the music up loud enough, she might forget where she was for a while. She almost dropped her tray. Angie. She had been right behind them, and she might have heard everything he said. Angie stared at Hannah with her eyebrows knitted together, shifting from foot to foot.

  Her hair was an inch longer than it had been when they’d last seen one another. It was hard to tell because of the oversize orange sweatshirt she wore, but she looked like she had lost some weight too.

  Was she going to say nothing, not a word? When Hannah tipped involuntarily toward her, Angie took a small step back. It was like she thought Hannah was sick, and that she might catch it.

  Hannah shook her head and dumped her tray down on the nearest table. She managed to make it back to her room before the hot angry tears fell.

  * * *

  During the opening ceremony for the Games, Hannah told herself how lucky she was to be part of this. Be here, she admonished herself. Really be here.

  Witnessing the passing of the torch was surreal, and for a moment she was able to sink into it, a lump in her throat. She imagined her friends watching it on TV all the way back in Australia, and her mother watching her right now from up in the stands.

  * * *

  Three days later Hannah’s eyes flew open. It was the first day of competition, and her queasiness wasn’t necessarily unpleasant. It just meant that she was ready for the two-hundred-meter heat, and the races that would follow from there.

  Staying in bed, she kept her legs elevated as Tim had told her to. She stared at the ceiling, marveling at how calm she felt. When she got up, she was a warrior readying for battle, stretching her arms over her head then punching the air.

  Miranda emerged from the bathroom as she approached it. They nodded coolly at one another.

  “Kick some ass today ’lil fish,” Miranda said.

  “You too.”

  Before she walked into the sports complex, she took a second to stare up at the majesty of the entrance and the iconic intertwining rings. Everyone knew what those rings meant. Fixing them in her mind, she thought about what Viv had said that day in the car.

  I will remember this day forever.

  The heat belonged to her, and she progressed to the next round. When it was time for the semifinal, she stood on the block, her focus razor sharp. She was grateful that Angie was in a different semi; it made everything simpler. In a roped-off area by the pool, Viv watched with her hands clasped under her chin. She had no intention of letting her mother down.

  She dove, letting her mind empty. She shot through the pool like a cannonball. When she was out of the water, her mother hugged her so tightly Hannah could feel her chest pounding.

  Viv grabbed onto her upper arms. “You made it! You made it!”

  Hannah burrowed into the safety of the embrace, closing her eyes.

  After lunch that afternoon, she sat with Tim for a few minutes to go over the strategy for the big race, though she knew everything by heart. How could she fail to have it by now when he’d drummed it into her so thoroughly?

  “I think your biggest problem’s going to be the other young girl, really,” Tim said, rubbing a hand over his chin. “The American. It’s always the bloody Americans!”

  “Do you mean Angie Thompson?”

  “Yeah, her. You’ve probably heard how good her qualifying times were. And she did well in the heat this morning. She’s the one to beat.”

  “I’m not worried about her,” Hannah said, chin jutting out. “I beat her at the world championships. I know I can take her.”

  The next morning it was easy to avoid Angie in the marshaling area, but Hannah was aware that she was only a few steps away. She rotated her arms in circles, melting off nervous energy. She knew how to do this; all she had to do was get in the pool and swim. She’d done it a thousand times, and if she didn’t let it all get into her head, this didn’t have to be any different.

  When she looked up from staring at the ground, their eyes caught, and Hannah looked away quickly.

  Angie’s eyes were wide, her shoulders rounded. In another world, Hannah would be comforting her right now.

  Their lanes were next to one another’s. As they walked to the pool, Angie was a few short paces away. Hannah breathed deeply, trying to keep her nerves in check as they were introduced. She waved to the spectators when she heard the announcer saying her name, then sought out her mother to anchor her.

  Angie and Hannah stood side-by-side as the rest of the competitors stepped up to their blocks. Once, Angie confessed to a terror about jumping the gun. It was the most awful thing Hannah could imagine. The thought drew her taut as a bow-string, and she willed her muscles to loosen.

  She still didn’t know what she was going to do. Despite Angie’s coldness, thoughts of throwing this race had never gone away. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop caring about her. Even if Angie didn’t want her anymore, she still wished more than anything for Angie to be happy.

  Angie cared about all this stuff so much more than she did. Plus, winning an Olympic gold medal would only draw more attention toward Hannah; the kind of attention that Angie was so much better at dealing with.

  “Good luck,” Angie whispered.

  Hannah looked sideways at her. Was Angie speaking to her, or to the girl on Angie’s other side?

  Angie stared at the water, but a moment later when Hannah did the same, Angie touched her. It was so slight it could be accidental, but Hannah was sure that it wasn’t. And a moment later, Angie pressed her pinkie to Hannah’s.

  When the first beep sounded their hands fell away from one another’s, and they crouched, waiting for the next. In the seconds after she hit the water, Hannah made her decision, that is she made none. Angie might be a stranger now, but still, she knew her better than many other people did. When Angie said good luck, she’d meant it.

  It was enough.

  She stopped thinking and allowed her body to do what came naturally to it. She swam, knowing she would accept whatever outcome that followed.

  It was only on the last lap that she realized how badly she wanted it. Though her energy was waning and the lactic acid buildup in her legs was like fire, she pushed until her fingertips met the wall.

  She looked at the board in disbelief, trying not to show it. Angie had done it. She’d taken first place, and Hannah was a few tenths of a second behind her.

  It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Angie was a great swimmer, but she’d always beaten her. She kept her fingers on the wall
for a long time.

  Angie reached across the lane divider, shaking her hand. Hannah wanted to hug her, but she turned to the next lane. Cameras were trained on them.

  Next to one another on the dais, Hannah was outside of her body. She watched as a gold medal was placed around Angie’s neck, the silver hanging heavily around her own.

  The American anthem played, while tears streamed down Angie’s face.

  Chapter Fourteen

  2000 - Melbourne

  The night after Angie kissed her in the hotel swimming pool, Hannah waited for thirty minutes for a reply to her email. When nothing arrived, she returned to bed and passed a restless night, her pillow hard as stone with sheets tangled around her.

  The next day she rose for her morning training session, sluggish from the wine and heavy food of the evening before. Her body wasn’t as forgiving as it had been when she was an adolescent. In those days, she’d been able to eat whatever she wanted and still perform.

  Though her body was slow, her thoughts rushed again. What did Angie mean by that kiss? Was it driven by nostalgia or genuine attraction? Hannah had already waited for so long to find out why Angie had dumped her, so this small piece of extra time should mean nothing. But Angie had dangled an explanation in front of her last night, and now Hannah was desperate to hear it.

  On the way home from training, she picked up the mail from her post office box. She prepared a protein shake, then sorted through postcards and letters from strangers. Cute notes from kids were arranged into a pile for replies. She swept the hardwood floors and rearranged cushions on the sofa. Finally, she made a cup of black coffee and sat at the computer.

  She leaned in close to the screen to peer at her email.

  Hey. Sorry about last night. I know I acted kind of like a crazy person. I really did appreciate you inviting me out to dinner, and I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I woke up this morning feeling more embarrassed than I’ve ever been in my life.

  I should have just come out with it, I guess. The reason why things went bad before Seoul. I still can’t seem to and I don’t know why. I guess because we didn’t talk for so long, that now I don’t know how to talk to you anymore, but I really want to.

  This is a conversation I’d like to have in person. Would you mind if I came around, if you have time to spare? I promise not to jump you or anything again! I just want to talk. I’m about to head out and do some looking around and sightseeing, mainly because I need the distraction, but I’ll find an Internet café in a couple of hours.

  I know you’re busy and I don’t want you to feel pressured, but I’d love to clear the air. - A.

  Hannah checked the clock in the corner of the screen. If she replied now, she might catch Angie at the Internet café.

  It’s okay, and yes if you could come around, that would be great. I need to be back to train in a couple of hours, but I have some time before then, and I’d really like to talk.

  She added her address to the bottom of the email, then held her breath and refreshed the page until a reply loaded. Angie confirmed that she was hailing a cab right away.

  Hannah paced from the entry of her apartment to the sliding door at the back, looking blankly out at the patio. The plants needed watering, and she could call Marie or Viv, but Angie wasn’t far away and she didn’t want to get stuck on the phone. Hannah tented her fingers behind her head as she walked the length of the apartment again.

  When she heard a car pulling into her driveway, she stared at her front door. She smoothed a hand over her stomach before opening it.

  Angie was reaching over to pay the driver, and Hannah watched, leaning against the doorframe. When Angie got out, Hannah looked down at her yoga pants and tank top, questioning why she hadn’t thought to change her clothes while she was waiting.

  Angie’s white dress stopped above the knee, the loose hair flowing over her shoulders adding to her ethereal look. She pushed the taxi door behind her, not breaking eye contact.

  “Hey. Thanks for letting me come over,” Angie said.

  “Of course. Come on in,” Hannah replied, staring around to make sure none of her neighbors were in the drive.

  When they were inside, Angie swept a shaky hand through her hair. “This is a nice place.”

  “Come on, it’s okay,” Hannah said, grabbing Angie lightly by the wrist and tugging her toward the sofa. It helped her to comfort Angie, distracting her from her own thumping heart.

  “This is really lovely. You own this place?” Angie asked. When Hannah nodded, she rose and walked toward the sliding door. “It looks like you’ve got a nice garden out there. Is that an herb garden in the corner?”

  “It is. I’ve put a bit of work into it. I like how private it is. I think I got the best house on the block. Angie, sorry, but can we get to it?”

  Angie sat next to Hannah on the sofa. “I’m really sorry about last night.”

  “I know you are. It’s okay. Let’s just talk. Tell me what you wanted to tell me last night.”

  “Okay,” Angie said. She fiddled with a coaster on the coffee table, moving it toward the edge and then back in place again. “It was my folks. They were the reason I had to stop talking to you.”

  “Your folks? What do you mean?”

  “They found all our letters. I kept them in my room, and I thought I’d hidden them well, but Mom went digging when I was at training. I came home to find them all on the table, just spread out like…like she was investigating a crime or something. That’s how they treated me. Like I’d done something unforgivable.”

  “Oh no,” she said. The danger of the scene was laid out in her mind’s eye, Angie so young and vulnerable.

  “For a while, I thought they were going to send me away to one of those conversion therapy camps! Like in that movie, But I’m A Cheerleader or something. But of course, they could never do that when they wanted me to keep swimming. I was their cash cow. It could ruin that. They told me I was putting everything at risk, that nobody would want me for endorsements or anything if they ever found out what we were doing. When you called, they wouldn’t let me speak to you. I was standing right there that day, I remember that. It was all so horrible.”

  Of all the scenarios Hannah had considered, this one hadn’t occurred to her. Now it seemed obvious; a missing puzzle piece that she shouldn’t have needed to see the whole. Angie didn’t speak about her parents much, but when she did, it was clear how much they controlled her life. The idea was so foreign. Her own parents would never go through her things. They would never tell her whom she should have in her life, and they’d always given her the gift of letting her make her own mistakes.

  “I’m really sorry. It was so hard not to talk to you,” Angie said. “I thought about calling or writing, but they controlled everything, checked the phone bills and stuff.”

  Hannah was frozen, her forehead crinkling. Now there was someone to blame and rage against, someone other than Angie, but how much could it help when it was ten years later? They’d been young, but nobody stayed that way forever. Angie had access to Hannah’s email address for weeks now, and a few simple sentences could have shone a light into all those dark spaces.

  “You didn’t try to talk to me, though? Not even when I saw you in Seoul. When we were at the village, there would have been a million ways you could have got that message through to me. You just stared at me the day that I saw you there in the cafeteria. Do you remember that?”

  Angie covered her face. “Of course, I do. Like it was yesterday. You see, it wasn’t so hard for them to control me from afar. And once they’d planted that shame in me, worked me over like they did…”

  “It’s been years, though. You couldn’t have written me a letter later on? I mean, I don’t want to sound like I don’t care about what happened to you, it’s awful. But we’ve been grownups for a long time now.”

  Angie looked Hannah in the eye. “I know I should have. I wanted to, a million times. I had a tough few years there, coming to terms with
who I was. I had to deal with the fact I had a husband I never should have married. Getting divorced and coming out in my twenties was hard. I know things were hard for you too.”

  “They were.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I have no excuse other than I moved on, and I told myself that you had too, and it wouldn’t be fair to dredge up the past like that. I never stopped thinking about it, though. I never stopped feeling bad about it.”

  Hannah stood and approached the sliding door. She put a palm on the glass, seeing past her reflection to the herb garden and her back fence, strung with broken fairy lights.

  When she was younger, she’d been ashamed of being gay. It took a long time for her to work her way through it, even with how supportive her parents were when she came out to them. Things had changed so much in ten years and were changing all the time. But it still wasn’t easy. Her sexuality was an open secret in the swimming world, but she understood that she had to keep it relatively quiet. She spun back around to Angie.

  “Okay. Thanks for telling me.”

  Angie wiped her cheek where a tear had fallen. “Sorry it took me so long.”

  “It’s all right,” Hannah said. “I meant what I said when we met again. We were so young. So young. I held on to a few things over the years, but I really do get it. Some of it anyway. It must have been tough for you, wasn’t it? You didn’t have what I have with my family.”

  “We’re not really supposed to be worrying about me right now.”

  “Why not? Tell me about it; I want to know.”

  She sat down next to Angie, resting against the sofa. Keeping her distance, when she wanted to fold Angie into her arms.

  “Sure, it was hard. I imagine it’s hard for all teenagers, figuring this stuff out, but it was so much worse with the spotlight on me like it was. I was so paranoid! Thinking that people would be able to figure it out just by looking at me.”

  Hannah reached forward, wiping Angie’s face. Angie caught her hand, and only let go reluctantly.