Running Deep

by Bette Hawkins

  “What have I done?”

  “It sounds like you didn’t mean to do it, honey. You just lost your temper. Tim’s lost his temper with you often enough! He should understand why it happened.”

  “I know, but he’s not going to see it like that. He was furious!” she said, shaking her head into her arms.

  “You’ve been under so much stress, Hannah. I hate to see you beating up on yourself like this. Why don’t you sleep on it and call him in the morning?”

  Her shoulders tightened, and she lifted her head. “What, and apologize to him?”

  “If that’s what you think you should do. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but if you think you should have handled it differently, you could say so.”

  “I couldn’t stomach that. No. I was going to talk to you about it tonight anyway. I was thinking of firing Tim already, but at the least, I would have had a short list of who could take over. The trials are only a month away! I’m screwed. I’ll never find anyone to train me and get me up to where I need to be in that time.”

  “Hannah. You’re an Olympic medalist. Surely you could find someone on short notice! Even if it was just to shore up everything you’re already doing. And you’re in peak form, you know exactly what to do. It’ll work out; I’m sure of it. What about that guy that called a few months ago wanting to take over from Tim?”

  “Who, Stuart Lanci? He’s not a serious coach. I don’t want to work with him.”

  “There will be somebody. We can start making calls first thing in the morning.”

  “Sure,” Hannah said, taking a tissue from Viv’s outstretched hand. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed.”

  “Okay, sweetie.”

  In the tub Hannah stretched her legs, toes playing against the cold rim. The water was so hot it had stained her thighs red. More tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes, and she took a deep breath. Her mother was right. She’d been tense since she’d started preparing for Barcelona.

  There was constant stress, piled on top of pressure. After the trials for Barcelona, there would be the Olympics. As soon as it was over, there would be a different event to fret over.

  Though her family was only on the other side of this door, she felt so alone. Viv was so understanding, but she didn’t quite get it, and she wished there was someone else to hash things out with. It took a few moments, but she realized it was Angie that she needed.

  She hadn’t allowed herself to think of Angie for a long time. She was crying harder now, and she dragged a washcloth over her face, so hard that it scratched against her skin.

  Maybe she wouldn’t think about Angie like this if she had a girlfriend. There hadn’t been anyone at all since Angie, and so much of their relationship had been long-distance. It wasn’t like she really knew what it was like to be with someone.

  She was stunted, the oldest virgin in the world. Debbie and Marie had each had sex a long time ago. They made suggestions for her meeting a girl, but they weren’t practical. She wasn’t a student, so there was no gay campus group she could join. Her friends offered to go with her to one of the local gay bars, but when she imagined being recognized by strangers, it freaked her out too much.

  When she got into bed, she pulled the sheet up and clutched it around her chin.

  She was missing her life, chasing achievements that no longer meant much to her. The press following her around. The coach who treated her like shit. The inability to meet girls. The stress on her body, and the anxiety of never wanting to disappoint anyone. As she slipped into sleep, clarity was beginning to form with each deep breath.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The next morning when Viv came to the kitchen, wearing a fuzzy robe with her hair sticking up, she was at the table going through her bank statements. As soon as the dawn sun slanted through her window, she had shot out of bed.

  All night she’d dreamed anxiously about swimming, and the future had been settled in her sleep.

  “What are you doing up? I thought you’d have your first sleep in for a while. Are you okay?” Viv said, resting a palm on Hannah’s forehead.

  “I am,” she said, scribbling in a notebook she’d found on Paul’s desk.

  “What are you doing, honey?”

  “Working out some stuff,” she said, capping her pen. “Maybe get yourself a cup of coffee? I’ve got a few things to talk about.”

  Viv made them a mug each, putting one in front of her and sitting down across from her expectantly. “Okay, Hannah. I’m all ears.”

  “I’m quitting.”

  She repeated the phrase, trying to get used to it. Was she really going to throw everything away? The same thought must be passing through Viv’s mind; she frowned with a hand on her chest. Though the fear made her feel like she was standing on a cliff’s edge, she was light and free. She wanted to jump.

  Viv took her hand. “Are you sure about this, Hannah? Maybe you just want to sit out Barcelona, get your bearings for a while?”

  “I’m positive. I’ve been working out some financial stuff, how to get the most out of the money I’ve saved. Maybe put a deposit down on a place when I turn twenty-one. We talked about that. Mom, I’m just not happy anymore.”

  Tears stood out in Viv’s eyes. Picking up her hand and putting it close by the notebook, she nodded firmly.

  “That’s all I need to know, sweetheart. You keep on going with this.”

  * * *

  A week later she was at Marie’s, hanging out in the middle of the day. She wondered if she’d ever get used to having this much free time. She’d been spending most of it here or with Viv, unwinding and trying to figure out her next move.

  Marie’s dorm room walls were plastered with posters of her favorite actors. Keanu Reeves, Christian Slater, Brad Pitt, and Val Kilmer pretending to be Jim Morrison, all smoldered down at Hannah.

  The year before, Hannah and Marie watched Thelma and Louise until they could quote their favorite lines. After the third screening, she confessed that she preferred Geena Davis to Brad Pitt. It was the beginning of her coming out. Marie was shocked at first, but now she teased her about her crushes. Marie shamelessly pushed her toward any girl she thought might be remotely interested in women.

  Marie was lolling on her unmade single bed with books spread around the bottom of the mattress. Rumpled clothes littered the carpet, and Hannah’s nose crinkled at a musty smell.

  “Has your mom seen this place? I feel like she’d be pretty mad if she saw what a hovel you’ve turned it into,” Hannah said from the floor, where she sat cross-legged.

  “Well yeah, she saw it when I first moved in, but she doesn’t come over much. I go over there for family dinner. That’s when we catch up.”

  “I still can’t believe they’re paying rent for you here when you live in the same city as them!”

  “They wanted me to have the full university experience, which I am, by the way. I made out with the dude down the hall on Wednesday night. Not bad,” she said, with a thumbs-up. “Eat your heart out, Scott.”

  “Good work. A-plus on this whole higher education thing.”

  Marie and Scott were on one of their frequent breaks, but Hannah guessed they’d get back together soon like they always did.

  “Oh hey, have you seen the latest on your old friend Angie Thompson?”

  The last big international event Hannah competed in before she retired was the Commonwealth Games in Auckland, and of course, as an American, Angie hadn’t been there. She’d been waiting for Barcelona to see or hear any news about her.

  “No. What happened?”

  Marie sat up and rifled through the things at the end of her bed, then slapped a magazine down onto the carpet. “She got married. So young! She’s like, only a year older than us.”

  “Huh,” Hannah said. The magazine was thin and light; a weekly that Marie purchased for a few bucks to cut out pictures for her wall. The Kate Moss cover had a smaller image in the corner. A bride and groom, A
ngie in white.

  She flipped quickly to the article. “America’s Swimming Sweethearts.” Angie’s makeup was so thick it made her almost unrecognizable. Towering over her was Trent Baker, golden-haired and muscular. Hannah looked back and forth between their smiling faces, trying to figure out how Angie could fit with this plastic doll of a man.

  She threw the magazine back, the pages fanning open as it hit the side of the bed and fell to the ground.

  Marie rolled onto her side to look down at Hannah. “Why did you throw that?”

  She clenched her jaw. If she ever got a girlfriend, no magazine would splash it across their pages unless it was to report on it as a scandal. Now Angie had what she’d always craved; the approval of the entire world. It didn’t matter to Angie who she’d hurt to get it.

  “What a pair of idiots. They’re supposed to be training for the next Olympics, not having some stupid fairy tale wedding.”

  As soon as she called Angie that name, she felt bad about it. Having loyalty toward her was stupid, but she couldn’t help it.

  “I didn’t think you’d be so cranky about it! Do you know him or something?”

  “Nope. I mean, I know who he is. Hasn’t been around as long as she or I have.”

  “I think he’s a hottie.”

  “Sure.”

  “Are you all right? You’re being weird. Are you mad that she didn’t tell you? You were pretty close back in the day.”

  Hannah shrugged. She’d bitten her nails down to the quick, and she studied them, wondering why it was so hard to tell Marie about what had happened. Marie knew that Hannah liked girls now, so what was the big deal?

  She stared at the wall behind Marie. “We were closer than I ever told you.”

  Marie shot up. “Holy shit! You’ve always said that you hadn’t been with a girl yet? Tell me everything.”

  Marie’s stunned expression made Hannah laugh, releasing tension she’d been holding for so long she didn’t recognize herself. “It was nothing really, I guess. We never slept together or anything. I really liked her, though, and I thought she liked me too.”

  “Did you make out?”

  “Sure. A lot, when she came over to visit.”

  “So, what happened? Wait…You did tell me she stopped writing to you, didn’t you? But all you said was that she was self-centered or something?”

  “That’s all I ever knew. One minute we were full steam ahead and girlfriends and everything, and the next thing she didn’t want to know me at all. We never broke up; she just started ignoring me. It was really hard.”

  She could tell Marie didn’t know what to say, but the wheels of her mind were clearly turning. They’d been friends for a long time, and she knew Marie was dying to tell her that she shouldn’t have kept this to herself. Marie lay on her side and patted the mattress.

  “C’mon, come up here. I’m going to spoon you, and you can tell me more about it.”

  “No thanks!”

  “Hannah. I don’t care that you’re a lemon. Get up here.”

  Nobody but her mom had hugged her since she’d been with Angie. She lay stiffly in her friend’s arms, but it was nice to feel cared for like this. Once she started talking about Angie, she couldn’t stop.

  A month and many more tears later, she stood outside the entrance of The Diamond Hotel with Debbie and Marie at her side. It was a heritage-style building on the corner of two streets, in the northern part of the city.

  There was nothing about the outside to indicate that it was one of the only lesbian bars in Melbourne.

  “I can’t go in, I don’t want to. Let’s just go down the street to somewhere else,” Hannah pleaded.

  Marie and Debbie each took an arm, trying to heave her forward.

  “We’ve been talking about this since you had your retirement press conference! It’s time to celebrate,” Debbie said.

  Hannah literally dug her heels into the ground. “We can celebrate somewhere else! C’mon, won’t you two feel uncomfortable anyway?”

  Marie took her by the shoulders. “Sweetheart. It’s time you moved on. She’s married. It’s okay to have some fun now. All right?”

  She nodded, screwing up her courage.

  “Besides I want to get checked out by some lesbians. It will be super good for my self-esteem,” Marie said. “Come in!”

  A bouncer stepped out of the doorway into the streetlight, a tall woman with short, slicked-back gray hair. Her attention drifted back and forth between them. “Everything okay here, ladies?”

  “Everything’s fine. Thanks. We’re just going to be on our way. Sorry to bother you,” Hannah said.

  Marie dropped Hannah’s arm, sighing. The bouncer looked Hannah in the eye, moving closer. She had been slouching as she resisted her friends’ pulling, but now she hauled herself up to full height.

  “Go on in, sweetheart. You’re welcome here, and everyone’s very friendly. It’ll get easier once you’ve been in the first time. Okay?”

  Hannah looked at her friends, then walked forward.

  As they approached the door, the woman held up a hand. “Wait a minute, are you all over age? I’m going to need to see some ID.”

  It was dim inside. Women were seated at stools at the bar, while others danced or played pool. The ends of cigarettes glowed brightly, moving through the air as they were raised up to mouths. Many faces turned toward Hannah and her friends as they entered, and she noted the appraising glances from a few women.

  She raised her eyebrows at Marie and Debbie. She hadn’t realized how much she’d enjoy being looked at like that again by other girls. “Shall we get drinks?”

  “Yes please!” Debbie shrieked. “This is so fun!”

  At the bar, Hannah looked past the woman wiping down the counter with a mat draped over her shoulder. On the other side, a girl stared back at her, someone who looked close to her age with a pixie cut and big brown eyes.

  And she was cute.

  They flirted silently while Hannah ordered a drink. When the bartender pushed a tall glass across to her, she wrapped a hand around it and nodded casually to her friends.

  “Well, you’ll have to excuse me, ladies. Talk amongst yourselves, I’m going to say hi to that girl.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  2000 - Melbourne

  Hannah threw her arms over her head and checked her alarm clock. She almost bolted out of bed when she saw how late it was, but then it sank in that it was Sunday. Her rest day. It was the latest she’d slept in months. Angie hadn’t left until after midnight.

  Memories of the easy laughter they’d shared last night drifted through her mind. It made her smile, but a moment later her expression was blank again. Angie was gone now, and she wouldn’t be eating dinner again with her tonight.

  She rolled out of bed. Without Angie in it, her day seemed empty, though there was a family barbecue tonight at Viv and Paul’s. They were having a small gathering for Mark and Ethan, who’d marked their birthday by going clubbing with friends the night before.

  She caught up on her laundry and started clearing spoiled food from the fridge. When she was poking around in the shelves, she opened a container of leftover curry and fished out a chunk of tofu. Even cold, it was delicious, and she took out another piece. The phone was ringing, probably Viv calling to ask her to bring something tonight.

  “Hey,” Hannah said, still chewing.

  “Hello?”

  Hannah gripped the receiver with both hands. “Oh, hey, Angie! I was just eating some of that curry. So good.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  Happy as she was to hear from her, she tried to figure out a polite way to ask why Angie might be calling.

  “So, you’re not going to believe this, but my flight got canceled!”

  “Oh no! Can they get you on a later flight?”

  “Well I tried, but it’s just super expensive to change it, and the flights aren’t at great times anyway. It’s cheaper and easier to just check back in and pay for another ni
ght at the hotel, then fly out tomorrow. I was a bit frustrated, but honestly, it’s all fine now. It’s all worked out.”

  “Fair enough. I’m sorry to hear that. You won’t miss anything important in Brisbane I hope?”

  “It’s a bit annoying, but no biggie. So, I don’t want to impose or anything, but it leaves me free for dinner tonight. I could cook for you again if you’d want that?”

  “Oh…”

  Hannah bit her thumbnail. She couldn’t miss her own brothers’ birthday thing. Now she’d spend the whole night wishing she was somewhere else, with Angie. Before she could answer, Angie started talking again.

  “Sorry, I am imposing, aren’t I? I’ve been with you the last few nights! Forget I asked. Sorry. I’ll let you go. I’ll be fine. There are so many cool places around here to eat. I’ll take myself out for dinner. I really don’t mind at all. I could do with the rest anyway after such a late evening last night! Thanks again for everything. It was all super fun, and I had such a wonderful time. Anyway, I’ll see you when you get up to Brisbane, okay?”

  “No, wait!” Hannah said, laughing. It was hard to get a word in edgewise sometimes, but what might be annoying with someone else was only charming in Angie. “I’d love for you to come over, it’s just that I’m going to my parents’ place tonight. Mark and Ethan’s birthday was on Friday. We’re having a barbecue to celebrate.”

  “Right. Of course. Well. Tell your brothers I said happy birthday. Actually no, don’t do that! They wouldn’t remember me.”

  Hannah pushed a hand through her hair. She couldn’t let Angie dine by herself, not after feeding her for the last couple of nights. “No, I’m sure they would remember you. Do you want to come with me? Nobody will mind an extra person, not at all. It’s a casual thing.”

  “That’s very generous, but you don’t have to invite me.”

  “Be at my place at five. I’ll drive us over.”

  Hannah hung up the phone before Angie could protest. She walked back to the fridge, thinking Angie wanted to come anyway. Hannah could hear it in her voice. She hummed to herself as she pulled wilted lettuce from the crisper to toss out.