Mucky Bumpkin

by Sam Cheever

  I’d known he was going to go that route. Arno believed words were unnecessary things which all too often caused him to be inconvenienced. I’d known him since grade school, and that had pretty much been his operating system even then.

  “Did you notice that broken nail there? The bruised knuckles?”

  Arno frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn’t going to talk about the body with me.

  Dangit! I had an unnatural curiosity that inconvenienced me. No wonder Arno and I got along like oil and water.

  Distant sirens split the silence. Arno’s peeps were on their way. He jerked his head at me. “You and Caphy go on inside.”

  “I’d like to stay.”

  “Not gonna happen, Joey. You take your dog inside and stay out of the way.”

  “I have to hose off her legs.”

  He cringed at the black muck clinging to my dog’s blonde fur. “Yes, you definitely do.”

  I tugged Caphy’s collar, silently happy that, for once, her messy ways were going to work in my favor. I was thinkin’ that hosing off her stocky legs might take longer than anybody expected.

  A whole lot longer.

  Two hours later, the body was being rolled toward the waiting ambulance, ensconced in a body bag, and Arno was overseeing the placing of crime scene tape around the area.

  I frowned when I saw how much of it they were stringing up, using the trees to hold it in a more-or-less uniform shape that encompassed most of my pond.

  I was about half afraid they were going to pluck the fish and turtles out of the water and tape evidence markers onto them.

  My phone rang, and I glanced down. It was Hal. Though it went against my deepest desire, I hit Ignore. It wasn’t only because I was annoyed with him at the moment. It was also because, if I talked to him, I’d have to tell him about the body in my pond. And Hal being Hal, he’d drop whatever he was doing and come rushing over to make sure Caphy and I were okay.

  While that wasn’t all bad in itself, I wasn’t sure I was ready to deal with him being nice to me. I was still too busy being ticked.

  Though, I really wished I had somebody to chat with about the new development in my chamber of horrors. I thought about that for a moment and then grinned. I knew just the person to call.

  My cousin Felicity Chance answered the phone on the third ring. “What have you done to Hal?”

  I winced. I should have known Felly would get the news faster than the speed of gossip. “I didn’t do anything to him. Why?”

  “Cal just talked to him, and he said his brother sounded like somebody had stomped on his heart and ground it to dust.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Drama much?”

  She sighed. “What can I say, men are hopeless drama queens. But really. Did you two have a fight?”

  “Sort of.” I fought a wave of frustration. I hadn’t called my cousin to discuss my wobbly love life. “Look, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  A beat of silence broadcasted Felly’s displeasure with my statement. I let the silence sit between us for two more beats and then gave in. “He bought a house…a cabin really…in Deer Hollow.

  “And that’s bad, why? I thought you wanted him closer so you could see him more.”

  “It’s not bad. Exactly.”

  “You’re not making any sense, Joe.”

  I sighed. “I know. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m not even sure myself why I’m mad at him.”

  “Is it because he didn’t discuss it with you first?”

  Relief filled me. My cousin knew me so well. “We not only didn’t discuss it…he’s been spending time here without telling me. Getting the cabin ready to move into.”

  She gave a long, drawn-out sigh. “Let me guess. He said he wanted to surprise you?”

  “I was surprised, all right.” I chewed the inside of my lip and thought for a moment, my gaze pointed toward the activity at the pond but not really seeing it. “I can’t shake the feeling he didn’t tell me because he wanted to leave himself an out. In case he changed his mind.”

  “That’s a guy thing.” I could almost hear her shaking her head with disgust. “Okay. I understand. Now, what else is going on?” She laughed brightly. “At least you’re not calling to tell me you found another body, right?”

  I winced again. Now that I had her on the phone, I realized what a mistake it had been to call her. She’d really freaked the last time I’d called to tell her I’d found a dead guy in my woods. She was going to go all, fiercely-protective-Felly on me when I told her there was another one. “Um…”

  “Oh no, Joe! Really?”

  “You can’t tell Cal!” I chirped out quickly.

  “Why not?” Her question came out in a warbly whine.

  “Because he’ll tell Hal, and I don’t want him to know.”

  “Honey, he’s going to find out. It’s not like finding a body in Deer Hollow happens every day. That local rag you call a paper’s going to barf it out in five-inch high letters on the front page.”

  Ugh! She was right. And with the current attention being paid to the Hollow because of the whole “Best Place to Live” thing, it was just as likely to hit the Indianapolis papers too. “I don’t want him to feel obligated to help me.”

  “Now you’re just being stupid. Whatever’s going on in Hal’s beady little man brain, you have to know he’s crazy about you and your dog.”

  “Yeah, sometimes I think he loves Caphy more than he likes me.”

  Hearing her name spoken, Caphy’s eyes popped open. She lifted her head off my lap, her tongue bathing the boards of the front porch a couple of times before she flopped back into my lap with a sigh.

  “Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

  I expelled air in a rush. I knew she was right. But I was indulging in a pity party for one. I chuckled when I realized what I’d said. With a pibl in my lap, I actually was indulging in a ‘pitty’ party. “I know.”

  “So what’s up with the body you found. Please tell me it isn’t on your property this time.”

  “I wish I could.”

  “Bleurgh! Where was it this time?”

  “The pond. Floating among the lily pads.”

  “Who was it?”

  “A real estate agent named Penney Sellers.” I grinned when Felly barked out a laugh.

  “Seriously?”

  “Dead serious,” I said, my grin widening. “She knocked on my door earlier today, asking if I wanted to sell my house.”

  “Oh, oh. What did you say?”

  “I said thanks but no thanks. The last time I saw her alive was just before I slammed the door in her face.”

  “Yikes! You fought with the deceased?”

  Frowning, I started to argue and realized she was right. “I wouldn’t call it a fight, really. But she’s…she was a very forceful person. When I told her no, she tried to push me into selling the land so she could cut it up into five-acre lots.”

  “Yeah, that’s pretty pushy.” She hesitated a beat before asking, “Is Arno Willager, my favorite Villager, looking askance at you? Like he thinks you offed the poor thing?”

  “Not yet. But give him time.”

  She sighed again. “Okay, I’m coming down there.”

  “What? No! At least not with the misguided notion that I need help. If you want to come help me shame Hal into next week, that’s another issue.”

  She laughed. “I could do that. But I’m more worried about your safety. Who killed this woman, and why did it happen on your property?” Then she sucked air. “Joe, you don’t suppose…?”

  She didn’t need to finish the thought. It had already occurred to me. “Devon didn’t kill her.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because…” My response trickled away as I realized I didn’t really have a good reason why I thought that. The man had proven himself capable of almost anything. “I don’t even know if he’s around. He hasn’t shown back up since that whole thing at the auction. Why wo
uld he suddenly involve himself in this?”

  “I’m just spitballing here, but Dev was always pretty adamant about protecting your dad. What if he saw this Realtor sniffing around as an assault on Uncle Brent’s memory somehow? He’d want you to stay in that house. It keeps your parents’ memories alive.”

  That made a twisted kind of sense. “Maybe. But I’m sure Arno’s already thought of that.”

  “Probably,” Felly said dejectedly. “Are you sure you don’t want my help? I wouldn’t mind sinking my teeth into another mystery. I’m suffering from winter doldrums.”

  I laughed. “It’s not even winter yet, Felly. In fact, it’s barely fall.”

  “Still… I might need to go purse shopping to drag myself out of it.” I could hear the smile in her voice. My cousin loved nothing more than a good purse. She had a closet full of them in all shapes, colors, styles, and sizes.

  “I love you. But I’m going to let Arno handle this. He’s a good cop. He’ll get to the bottom of it.”

  “Okay, honey. I love you too. Talk to you soon?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I hung up and lifted my gaze toward the remaining activity down by my pond. The ambulance had left, its lights and sirens inactive and silent. There was obviously no need for speed with poor Penney Sellers.

  Arno opened the door of his radio car and lifted a hand to let me know he was leaving. I waved back and sat in thoughtful silence as he backed into the grass and turned, following the other deputies out onto Goats Hollow Road.

  My mind replayed my first and last interaction with the dead realtor, wondering if there’d been any indication she was worried or upset. I didn’t remember anything.

  The woman had seemed confident and uncomfortably aggressive, as if she feared nothing but missing out on a sale.

  Maybe her killer had snuck up on her. Maybe she’d unwittingly irritated the wrong person and paid the ultimate price. Or maybe she’d seen or heard something she shouldn’t have. I discounted that last option because of where she’d been killed. I was pretty sure there were no lethal goings-on down by my pond.

  Not unless you counted Caphy’s friend the big fish eating tadpoles as deadly intrigue.

  I shook my head, pushing Caphy gently off my lap to stand. “Come on, girl. Let’s eat something. I’m starving.”

  She jumped up and galloped through the front door, which I’d left slightly ajar in case we needed to make a quick retreat.

  I reminded myself that I’d promised to let Arno do his job. To stay out of it as I should have done the last time. But even as I reminded myself of that, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to pay a visit to Penney Seller’s office in the morning.

  Then I’d pass anything I learned off to Arno. Right away.

  Sure I would.

  Chapter Four

  Deer Hollow Realtors was located in an old brick building that looked a little bit like what I thought the saloon in a town from the Wild West might look like.

  The brick covering its front was stained black with age and, as I approached along a flagstone walkway, I noticed the rectangular building’s façade was cracked in several spots, the fissures carelessly filled in with what looked like instant concrete.

  The front porch was probably the newest thing on the building, and it looked to be older than I was. The wood planks were warped and gray with age, the supports splintered and shaped like an old lady’s arthritic limbs.

  The frames around the windows had been painted white once upon a time. They were currently so chipped they were mostly fossilized dark green paint with the occasional speckle of white paint still clinging desperately to the mottled surface.

  The sign hanging from a metal arm attached to one of the two columns on either side of the steps was dented, the black letters of the business name pitted and stretched as if someone had once twisted it to see if the letters would pop off.

  I headed for the flimsy wood storm door and pulled it open. It whined pitifully, and one corner caught on the warped porch boards. I left it wedged there and opened the front door, which was painted a dark burgundy and looked festive under a fall-colored wreath.

  Sticking my head inside, I called out before entering. “Hello?”

  There was a brief silence and then some scuffling sounds that almost made me back out again. It sounded as if I’d interrupted something.

  A woman emerged from a door across the room, weaving her way through the three desks filling the small space. She shoved at a thick mop of dark hair on top of her head. “Hey, hon. Can I help you?”

  The woman looked to be in her forties. She was plump and pretty in a careworn way, and I’d bet Caphy’s last dog cookie she’d been in a clinch with somebody when I knocked on the door. Along with the telltale tousled hair, her lipstick painted the skin around her lips, and her blouse hung crookedly beneath her cardigan sweater, one button off from being straight.

  I stepped through the door, giving her a quick smile. “Hi. I’m Joey Fulle. I live outside of town, off Goat’s Hollow Road.”

  The woman’s eyes lit up. “Oh yes. I’m familiar with that area. It’s beautiful up there.”

  I struggled to place her. Though she was probably fifteen years older than I was, I should have known her. I knew most of the people in my little town. And for the ones I didn’t know, I generally knew someone they were related to or friends with.

  Such is the reality of a small town.

  Unfortunately, I was pretty sure I’d never met the woman standing before me.

  She offered me her hand, the other hand tugging at the bottom of her blouse in an effort to pull it straight. “I’m Madge Watson. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Joey.”

  A door closed loudly at the back of the building and my gaze shot in that direction.

  Madge took a step toward me, drawing my attention away from the door. “What brings you into Deer Hollow Realtors, hon?”

  I let my gaze drift slowly back to her face, and her smile tightened slightly. She obviously didn’t want me to speculate on the person who’d just left through the back door. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I was about Penney Sellers. She was found on my property, I’m afraid.”

  Madge’s pale blue gaze widened in surprise. “Oh, my! I didn’t realize.” She clasped my hand in both of hers. Her skin was like ice. “You found her, didn’t you?”

  I nodded.

  She squeezed my fingers. “That must have been horrible for you.” Her eyes lit with excitement that I found just a tad disconcerting.

  “It wasn’t pleasant, for sure. But I just wanted to give you my sympathies. I’m sure it must be quite a shock.”

  “Oh, it is. It’s just horrible. Of course, I didn’t know Penney all that well. Like me, she came to Deer Hollow from another real estate agency in Indy. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks.”

  I nodded. “Then I guess you wouldn’t have any idea who might have wanted to hurt her?” I realized, too late, that the realtor might take offense to my inappropriate curiosity. I needn’t have worried. She seemed just as curious about her fellow realtor’s death as I did.

  “No. I’ve thought a lot about it since that cute Deputy Willager came to tell me she was gone. There’s just nobody. Everybody loved Penney.”

  I fought to keep surprise from showing on my face. Even if Arno hadn’t told me the dead woman had been ruffling feathers all over town, I’d have known it just by being around her for a few minutes.

  Penney Sellers could easily have swum as head shark in a tank filled with deadly sharks. Her behavior at my house had proved her to be relentless. I’d shooed her away in no uncertain terms, yet she’d snuck back onto my property shortly after I’d left and had gotten herself killed there.

  With a start, I realized she had to have been watching my house. She’d probably seen me leave and had taken advantage of my absence to snoop around.

  I struggled to find a way around Madge’s obvious lie about Penney’s popularity. Finally, I settled for presenting
my own experience with her. “She’d seemed very determined to me. Speaking as someone who knows this community really well, that kind of doggedness can sometimes ruffle feathers.”

  “Oh yes, that’s certainly true. But Penney was very good with people. She had a way of getting what she wanted and leaving people feeling as if they were the winners.”

  I wondered if she and I were talking about the same woman. “Penney Sellers?”

  She nodded, oblivious to my skepticism.

  “Maybe somebody from Indianapolis had it out for her?”

  “If so, Penney never mentioned it.”

  “Was she married?”

  Shaking her head, Madge finally seemed to clue in on my nosiness. “Are you a cop?”

  I laughed in what I hoped was a dismissive way, forcing a smile. “Not a chance. I was just wondering…you know…since she was killed on my land. It’s made me feel a little unsafe. You know what I mean?”

  It was a dirty trick, playing the weak woman card, but I couldn’t have Madge clamming up on me because she thought I was too nosy.

  She patted my arm, making sympathetic noises. “I don’t think you have to worry about one of Penney’s old flames coming after you. From what I could tell, she didn’t have any romantic interests at all. She pretty much lived for her job.” Madge frowned, lifting a finger. “There was this one guy. I think he was a new client. They had a pretty wild fight here in the office yesterday morning.”

  That sounded promising. “Violent?”

  She shrugged. “No idea. I came out of the restroom and saw them standing over there by the coffee machine. I cleared out when I heard them arguing. I’m not fond of confrontation.” She flushed with embarrassment. “I had an appointment across town.”

  “What did this guy look like?”

  “Tall guy. Looked good from the back. But I couldn’t see his face.”

  “Local?”

  “I couldn’t tell you. Most of our clients are people wanting to move into town, so we mostly deal with outsiders.”

  I nodded. “If you see him again will you call me?”