Keeping On Keeping On

by Alan Bennett

  CHRIS

  They don’t have hair much in paintings, do they? That’s a copout I always think. Jesus never has much hair. You’re so sad. Smile.

  She smiles. They start to make love.

  INT. SAME, LATER – NIGHT

  Chris and Kristina in bed surrounded by, surveyed by, the pictures.

  INT. BECK’S HOUSE, HALLWAY – NIGHT

  Silent house.

  The sound of Chris and Kristina making love upstairs. The outside door is slowly pushed back and we see the feet of someone slowly and silently coming up the stairs. At the top of the stairs we pull out and see it is Ollie. He sits down on the top step listening. Puts his head in his hands.

  INT. GARRARD’S, SALES CLERK’S OFFICE – DAY

  Jelley puts his head round the door.

  JELLEY

  Seen Barnes or Huggins?

  MOBERLEY

  (shaking his head)

  Here this morning.

  Jelley goes out then comes back again. He is holding the photograph.

  JELLEY

  Arthur. Does this mean anything to you? It’s not been through the rooms before?

  MOBERLEY

  No.

  JELLEY

  One would have to see it, of course.

  MOBERLEY

  You have seen it. The photograph.

  JELLEY

  Yes?

  MOBERLEY

  Poor Mr Beck brought it in.

  Cresswell comes in. Moberley slips some paper over the photograph.

  CRESSWELL

  Where are Huggins and his partner? I want something fetched up.

  MOBERLEY

  They’re about. I’ll get you somebody.

  CRESSWELL

  What’s happening to this fucking firm?

  He goes. Jelley looks down for the photograph, finds it hidden. Moberley slips it out again.

  JELLEY

  Did he have the original?

  MOBERLEY

  Who knows? Dead now anyway.

  JELLEY

  Beck?

  MOBERLEY

  Murdered. Funeral today.

  INT. CEMETERY CHAPEL – DAY

  Lightfoot and Grisewood are sitting in a police car observing the congregation arriving for the funeral.

  GRISEWOOD

  I’ve never understood this theory, Sergeant.

  LIGHTFOOT

  What theory, Grisewood?

  GRISEWOOD

  That the murderer turns up for his victim’s funeral.

  LIGHTFOOT

  Oh yes. It’s standard practice, Grisewood. On the ‘dog returns to its vomit’ principle. Also makes for some nice location shots of the cemetery. ‘Police mingle with the mourners’ is how it’s generally reported.

  Ollie and Chris are seen arriving.

  Here’s our friend.

  Cut to:

  Chris and Ollie going towards the door of the chapel.

  OLLIE

  I hope you wore a condom?

  An Usher gives them both yarmulkas.

  Lightfoot and Grisewood have got out of the car.

  LIGHTFOOT

  I think we steer clear of the religious bit.

  The same Usher is beckoning them.

  Not today, thank you.

  Except that Grisewood has gone up to him and been given two yarmulkas.

  LIGHTFOOT

  (despairingly)

  Grisewood.

  INT. SYNAGOGUE – DAY

  The women mourners, including Kristina, are separated from the men.

  GRISEWOOD

  Where is she, Sergeant?

  LIGHTFOOT

  Upstairs in the two-and-nines. One thing you can say for the Yids, they haven’t gone unisex.

  The rabbi has appeared.

  Church of England and he’d probably be a nancy.

  The rabbi launches into the service.

  GRISEWOOD

  You could do with him, Sergeant.

  LIGHTFOOT

  What?

  GRISEWOOD

  In The Pirates of Penzance. Who’s the customer?

  The door of the chapel has opened and Steiner in a cashmere coat has come in. He is also noted by Ollie, who nudges Chris. Chris looks up at Kristina who is looking at Steiner, who embraces her. Kristina avoids Chris’s look.

  EXT. SYNAGOGUE – DAY

  GRISEWOOD

  He didn’t take the hats back.

  LIGHTFOOT

  (giving him his)

  Lucky you. Half-a-dozen more and you’ve got a set of table mats. Got the number?

  He indicates Steiner’s car, which is just driving away. Grisewood nods.

  Chris unlocking his bike also notes the car, and sees Kristina come out of the synagogue. Doesn’t know whether to go to her or follow the car. He follows the car.

  Kristina gets into the funeral limousine and drives off.

  EXT. SYNAGOGUE, POLICE CAR – DAY

  The details of Steiner’s car are coming through on the radio as the police car drives off.

  GRISEWOOD

  Company car, Sergeant. Amalgamated Meats. He’s a butcher.

  LIGHTFOOT

  I hope not, Grisewood.

  The car is driving through the cemetery. Ollie, abandoned, is walking down the road.

  Hello. Here’s a lost boy.

  The police car slows down.

  EXT. AN URBAN WILDERNESS – DAY

  A large, derelict site – or an existing building being renovated – now overgrown and green. Steiner’s car turns down a derelict track, where an architect and various property consultants are waiting to greet him. Chris sees Steiner put on some Wellington boots, and Norman is going to put some on too but Steiner stops him. Norman looks peeved as the party goes through a gap in the wall leaving the other pair of Wellington boots stood by the car, against which the chauffeur lounges smoking.

  The site is not unidyllic – a marsh with ponds, in one of which two boys are fishing, the sunlight on the water etc. recalling the Monet in Garrard’s.

  Chris watches as the architect with his plans points out various features of his scheme to Steiner, the boys fishing the while.

  A cab stops at the end of the track. Chris sees Kristina get out and come up the path. She steps into the Wellington boots and goes through the gap in the wall and waits until Steiner sees her, comes over and kisses her. Norman takes over with the developers as Steiner takes Kristina’s hand. All this watched by Chris.

  Steiner calls Norman, who comes over, splashing himself in a puddle in the process. He opens his briefcase and takes out a bulky brown envelope which he gives to Steiner. Steiner gives it to Kristina. It obviously contains money. Norman bleats something about a receipt but is ignored.

  He kisses her again. All return to the car.

  Chris emerges. The boys go on fishing.

  INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT

  LIGHTFOOT

  What I don’t understand is why, if you’ve never met the deceased, you go to the funeral?

  OLLIE

  I was at a loose end.

  LIGHTFOOT

  So you go to a funeral?

  OLLIE

  The more the merrier.

  LIGHTFOOT

  This is where on TV I would hit you across the face.

  He kicks Ollie’s legs away so that he falls to the floor.

  Well, it’s time for my statutory meal now. I’ll leave you with Detective Constable Grisewood while I go to the police canteen and wage a losing battle against polyunsaturated fats.

  He exits, leaving Ollie and Grisewood sitting there in silence.

  GRISEWOOD

  I’m the nice one. (Pause.) I’m more on your wavelength. I was shocked when he hit you in the balls. We’re taught not to do that. But if you take my advice you’ll come clean. I’ve seen him knock somebody’s teeth out. Tell him your friend did it.

  OLLIE

  He didn’t.

  GRISEWOOD

  Between you and me, I don’t think he did it
either, but that’s a detail. They can sort all that out later. I’m just trying to get you out of here with your testicles intact.

  Ollie says nothing, just looks unhappy.

  Well?

  OLLIE

  No.

  Grisewood gets hold of him.

  GRISEWOOD

  Why not?

  OLLIE

  I thought you were the nice one.

  GRISEWOOD

  It’s just a veneer.

  He starts battering Ollie against the door, In the middle of this Lightfoot tries to come in at the door with his hamburger, which gets squashed by the door.

  LIGHTFOOT

  Grisewood. Grisewood. What are we doing? I leave you for five minutes. Resume your seat. I do apologise.

  He laboriously opens a sachet of sauce which he spreads over the burger with his finger.

  Cut to:

  INT. SAME – LATER

  Ollie considerably wearier.

  LIGHTFOOT

  Let’s just go through this story again. Your friend finds the bus pass, decides to take it back. Goes on his bike. Right?

  OLLIE

  Yes.

  LIGHTFOOT

  Rings the bell. Mr Beck comes to the door. He goes inside. He shows him round. The wife who your mate thinks is the daughter brings them some coffee. Then he leaves and comes back and plays squash.

  OLLIE

  No, that was the next night. He played squash first.

  LIGHTFOOT

  What next night?

  Ollie’s horrified face.

  INT. BECK’S HOUSE, KRISTINA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Kristina is in bed. Chris is standing naked with her watching him.

  CHRIS

  You own this house?

  KRISTINA

  Why?

  CHRIS

  How will you manage?

  KRISTINA

  (kissing him)

  I’ll manage. Turn round.

  He turns round.

  CHRIS

  What am I doing? Is this foreplay?

  KRISTINA

  I like to look.

  CHRIS

  Because if it is, it’s not any I’ve been taught. Did he have any money?

  KRISTINA

  Who?

  CHRIS

  The old man. Your old man.

  KRISTINA

  (kisses him again)

  I don’t want to think about it. Put your hands on your hips.

  CHRIS

  He bought pictures.

  KRISTINA

  For nothing.

  Chris turns round.

  CHRIS

  Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. Who was the guy in the camel-hair coat at the funeral?

  KRISTINA

  Why?

  Chris gets into bed.

  CHRIS

  Who was he?

  KRISTINA

  A friend. Of my husband’s.

  CHRIS

  Had he been here the other night?

  KRISTINA

  Before the murder? I don’t remember. Why?

  CHRIS

  He interested in pictures?

  KRISTINA

  I think he is just being nice.

  CHRIS

  Nice?

  KRISTINA

  He is going to buy the pictures.

  CHRIS

  How much for?

  KRISTINA

  For £100,000. Look.

  She shows him the money.

  This is the deposit.

  CHRIS

  And you think that’s nice. There are three Rembrandts.

  Kristina gets up.

  KRISTINA

  There are not three Rembrandts. They are not Rembrandts. They are not anything. Nothing is anything. Year after year I hear about these pictures and they are nothing. I finish with them. Anyway, I don’t think he even wants the pictures. He wants to make me a present, so he pretends to buy the pictures.

  CHRIS

  And why does he want to make you a present?

  KRISTINA

  He likes me.

  CHRIS

  Has he got an inventory? A list.

  KRISTINA

  There is no list. Who wants a list?

  CHRIS

  OK. They’re not Rembrandts. But say they were, say here was one picture that was genuine, he’d be entitled to it, right?

  KRISTINA

  I don’t care. I hate the pictures. It’s a favour.

  CHRIS

  It’s a con. This is one step up from a totter. Going round the houses. On the knocker. Nothing valuable here, lady. Clear the lot for a tenner. That’s how my granny lost her gate-leg table. He’s a millionaire. He has a museum. A personal art gallery. If you don’t believe me, look at his fingernails.

  KRISTINA

  I know this, but how do you know this? And why do you ask me who he is, if you know who he is?

  CHRIS

  He was here. The other night. The big car. That was him. Did you tell the police that? He was here before the murder. I want to help.

  KRISTINA

  You do. You do.

  Chris turns over and in doing so pulls aside an old curtain by the bed. Suddenly he sees himself and Kristina. It is a mirror.

  CHRIS

  What’s this?

  KRISTINA

  It’s nothing. Some of them like it. They like to be in the picture.

  She embraces him while he looks pensive. Cut as they make more love.

  Later:

  KRISTINA

  It’s not me. It’s because you want the pictures to be something. You’re like him. The pictures are nothing … nothing at all. I promise.

  CHRIS

  So who killed him? I didn’t.

  KRISTINA

  A burglar maybe. Anybody.

  CHRIS

  His car was here, the butcher.

  KRISTINA

  No. They were friends. Boys selling cigarettes on the streets of Leningrad.

  CHRIS

  But he doesn’t love you. He’s so rich he could have anybody.

  KRISTINA

  Thank you.

  CHRIS

  And you’ve slept with him?

  She hits him.

  KRISTINA

  You did. Your life has been so safe. How can you understand? Besides, he is kind.

  CHRIS

  If just one of these pictures is what he said it was you’d no need to …

  KRISTINA

  To what?

  CHRIS

  Go with him. He’s an old man. I mean, practically.

  KRISTINA

  He’s safe.

  CHRIS

  Jesus.

  INT. CHRIS’SFLAT – NIGHT

  Chris comes in carrying his bike up the stairs and leaving it outside in the corridor. The place has been ransacked. Every drawer searched. He hears a slight sound from the lav. He gets something heavy and flings open the door and finds Ollie hiding there nearly in tears.

  CHRIS

  And did the police do this?

  OLLIE

  I don’t know. It was like this when I came.

  CHRIS

  Did you tell them anything?

  OLLIE

  No … Well, not deliberately. I got mixed up. I don’t think I did.

  Ollie puts his head down on the table in despair.

  CHRIS

  Oh kid.

  OLLIE

  Why can’t we tell them we’ve got the drawing?

  CHRIS

  (correcting him kindly)

  I’ve got the drawing, you mean. You saw them. What they’re like. They’ll make out I did the murder.

  OLLIE

  This is what happens in films. People keep stuff to themselves, whereas if everybody put their cards on the table, it could be all sorted out.

  CHRIS

  We want to prove it’s genuine.

  OLLIE

  But if we do, what happens?

  Pause.

  CHRIS

 
; Then it’ll be worth millions and I give it back to her and explain, and we can prove he did it. Butcher.

  OLLIE

  Who?

  CHRIS

  The Butcher.

  Ollie has stopped being quite so upset now.

  You want to stay?

  Ollie nods.

  That cheers you up, doesn’t it? Only no funny business. And on one condition.

  OLLIE

  I won’t touch you.

  CHRIS

  I don’t mind you touching me. Just don’t fart.

  Later in bed.

  OLLIE

  What do you like about her?

  CHRIS

  She’s sad. I like sad girls.

  OLLIE

  You’ve got something to cheer her up with.

  CHRIS

  Oliver, you are so crude. You’re so much cruder than me. I like troubled girls. And as soon as they cheer up, I go off them. Why is that?

  OLLIE

  Don’t ask me. It’s all a mystery to me.

  CHRIS

  She needs money. She’s been a prostitute.

  OLLIE

  NO! Then she’ll be as hard as nails. They always are.

  CHRIS

  Oh, you know, do you? The trouble is, I like her. You know, properly.

  OLLIE

  You could catch something. And she’s an older woman. Shit.

  Pause.

  CHRIS

  Ollie.

  OLLIE

  What?

  CHRIS

  You don’t think I did the murder?

  OLLIE

  No.

  CHRIS

  (pretending to throttle him)

  WELL, I DID!

  INT. GARRARD’S, LOCKER ROOM – DAY

  Chris finds his locker has been ransacked.

  INT. GERRARD’S, MARRYATT-SMITH’S OFFICE – DAY

  Marryatt-Smith is looking at a picture, another Martyrdom. Vanessa is taking notes. Moberley, Chris and Ollie are standing in front of his desk. Cresswell is in attendance. Marryatt-Smith studies the picture for a while in silence.

  MARRYATT-SMITH

  I think you’re too kind, Moberley. To both of them. Huggins, we all know, is a scamp. All I hope is with the police sniffing around that is all he is. As for his chum, he’s a fool.

  OLLIE

  It was only a funeral, sir.

  MARRYATT-SMITH

  Shut up. However, I take note of what you say, Moberley, and so far as Barnes is concerned we won’t say anything now. Mr Moberley plainly has a soft spot for you, Barnes. Even so it’s only the fact that he is retiring this year that has enabled you to escape hanging, drawing and quartering. Away you go.

  Chris makes to go too.

  CRESSWELL

  Not you, Huggins.

  Chris is left, with Marryatt-Smith studying the picture and Vanessa taking notes.

  MARRYATT-SMITH

  Now. Canvas in reasonably good nick. Small tear top right, clumsily repaired. A hole in the centre above the right … nipple I suppose one has to say. We’ve talked about this funeral that you took time off to attend which is bad enough, even if Mr Moberley did give you leave, but I was telephoned this morning … There is also some flaking along the Saint’s right shin and his thigh seems to have been … touched up … Telephoned this morning by the police … pentimenti visible on the left thigh … who seem to have interviewed you once and may wish to do so again. I don’t like that. Huggins. I don’t like that at all!