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MacTrump Page 6

by Ian Doescher


  I hear her singing, “Prithee, hold thy purse,”

  For thou hast even failèd to obtain

  Top-secret clearances to do thy work.

  KUSHREW

  Apologies, mine only Desdivanka.

  DESDIVANKA

  Forgive th’intrusion of this noisome man—

  My husband, as you know, he will be talking,

  For when the age is in, the wit is out.

  MACTRUMP

  Are you not of the same age as he is?

  DESDIVANKA

  Nay, Father, he hath full ten months on me.

  MACTRUMP

  Ah.

  DESDIVANKA

  —Let me start again, third time’s the charm:

  We two were speaking of how we could best

  Protect you from your many errant foes.

  One in particular hath come to mind,

  Who is, I fear, a taller threat than all.

  MACTRUMP

  I would fain know of whom thou speakest, chuck.

  DESDIVANKA

  The constable, Sir James Dogcomey he.

  MACTRUMP

  Sir James Dogcomey of the Deaf Beehive,

  Which doth protect America by stings

  And yet is known worldwide for its discretion?

  DESDIVANKA

  E’en he, the very man. He is a traitor.

  MACTRUMP

  A traitor unto our United Fiefdoms?

  DESDIVANKA

  A traitor unto you, which is the same.

  The man doth seek to smear you horridly,

  Take your great name and sling his filth upon’t,

  In hopes that you will fall into disgrace

  Withal those whom have long supported you.

  He seeks to learn about your Prussian friends—

  Those kindly folk who only labor to

  Unite the peoples of the world as one—

  And how they help’d you unto victory

  Against your foe Hillaria.

  KUSHREW

  —Indeed,

  ’Tis certain that he seeks to do you harm.

  DESDIVANKA

  He’ll stop at nothing to besmirch your honor

  Unless, brave Father, you do stop him first.

  MACTRUMP

  A snake that hideth in the grass, just so!

  Methought I heard a most unpleasant hiss.

  More love I cannot shed on thee, my dear,

  Yet somehow thou wouldst rise in my esteem

  If thou canst tell me how to stop the man.

  DESDIVANKA

  Was the hope drunk wherein you dress’d yourself?

  You, sir, are president o’er all the land,

  With pow’rs executive that cannot fail.

  Employ your fav’rite maxim on the man—

  MACTRUMP

  “I’ll have some fries with that”?

  DESDIVANKA

  —Nay, th’other one.

  MACTRUMP

  “You’re fir’d.”

  DESDIVANKA

  —Forsooth, my father, ’tis the one.

  Use that one phrase and let it fall upon

  Dogcomey’s head.

  MACTRUMP

  —If we should fail—

  DESDIVANKA

  —We won’t!

  So screw your courage to the sticking-place,

  For we’ll not fail. I trust your fire, bold Father.

  Unleash it on Dogcomey.

  MACTRUMP

  —So I shall.

  [Calling out:] Secessions, Rosenstern, I bid ye come—

  And Bannox, Pubis, ye should hear this, too!

  Enter STEPHEN BANNOX, REINCE PUBIS, SIR RODNEY

  ROSENSTERN, and GRAND DUKE JEFFREY SECESSIONS.

  SECESSIONS

  What is your bidding, Master?

  ROSENSTERN

  —Yes, my liege?

  MACTRUMP

  You two must pen a swift decree for me

  And herald it throughout all Washingtown.

  [Aside:] I’ll tell McTweet, that he may sing it, too.

  ROSENSTERN

  What shall it say?

  MACTRUMP

  —Sir James Dogcomey is

  No longer welcome in his current post.

  He must resign, or face his sov’reign’s wrath.

  [Bannox and Pubis stare at each other.

  ROSENSTERN

  My lord, do you believe this plan is wise?

  Dogcomey hath not challeng’d you as yet,

  And certainly what he suspecteth of

  Your contacts with the Prussians is untrue.

  MACTRUMP

  Er, yes. Untrue. And definitely false.

  ROSENSTERN

  Then wherefore do you need to make this move?

  MACTRUMP

  O, reason not the need! MacTrump hath spoken,

  And thine is not to question why, but do!

  Wouldst thou, mayhap, prefer to share his fate?

  ROSENSTERN

  Nay, sir, I swear it shall be done.

  SECESSIONS

  —And swiftly.

  [Exeunt Rosenstern, bowing, and Secessions.

  DESDIVANKA

  A man, a father, and a president!

  Here, in a trice, you triumph’d at all three.

  BANNOX

  My lord MacTrump, I’d speak a word with you.

  MACTRUMP

  What is it, Bantam? ’Tis past time for lunch.

  BANNOX

  This reckless choice shall wreck you, by my troth.

  PUBIS

  It is unwise so blatantly to thwart

  Your enemies, e’en if it is your right.

  BANNOX

  Will this not fuel the fire of foul suspicion?

  Soon all the world will look to Prussia and

  Its interests in you and your young reign.

  Can you not see? Dogcomey is a hydra:

  For each head you remove, two more appear.

  DESDIVANKA

  Wilt thou, rude man, dispute thy president?

  Do not forget he holds thy strings as well.

  MACTRUMP

  [aside:] She showeth love by her defense of me—

  O Desdivanka, darling of my heart.

  BANNOX

  My lord, would you vouchsafe me leave to speak

  With your most pleasant daughter privately?

  MACTRUMP

  She is a grown adult; do as thou wilt.

  In any instance, I must take a leak.

  [Exit MacTrump.

  BANNOX

  Thou callest me a puppet, little strumpet?

  KUSHREW

  Forgive me, sir, I shall not stand aside

  Whilst thou insultest—

  [Desdivanka silences Kushrew by raising her hand.

  DESDIVANKA

  —Do, my faithful husband.

  I bid thee sit outside the doorway there,

  Whilst I trade words withal this fearsome dragon.

  [Exit Kushrew.

  Thou beggest for this private council, Bannox—

  I therefore shall give it to thee in full

  I understand thine ev’ry motive, toad,

  Thou sycophantic flatterer, lickspittle!

  Thy mind is mov’d by ancient prejudice

  Against myself and my dear husband, Jared.

  Forsooth, I spy the way you sneer at him,

  How thou dost scorn him to the very bone,

  How thou wilt never grant
him leave to speak

  And interrupt his ev’ry thought and word.

  At first I thought you envied his good looks

  Against that spotted dick thou call’st thy face;

  Or mayhap thou desir’st his fetching wife,

  The blushing damsel standing in thy presence

  As ripe for sin as hell is hot with hate.

  Indeed, I see through thee like thou art glass,

  Because thy rotting skin is paper-thin.

  Thou hat’st my brilliant husband for the same

  Foul reason hat’st thou me: I am a Jew.

  BANNOX

  Thou silly girl, most overprivileg’d!

  Dost thou believe I would—

  DESDIVANKA

  —I am a Jew!

  Dost thou think I shall stand aside, impassive

  To thy pathetic, paltry prejudice,

  Or unaffect’d by thy faux reports?

  I am the Jew who did annihilate

  The great Fretensis Legion at Masada,

  Who once accomplishèd the exile of

  Nebuchadnezzar unto Babylon,

  Who turn’d back Alexander and then Cyrus,

  Who flooded seven hills whilst Nero wept!

  Thy contribution to this world shall pass

  As quickly as a cup of piss doth through

  The bladder of a man of seventy—

  Enter MACTRUMP and LORD JARED KUSHREW.

  Yet if you e’er insult our faith again,

  I swear by ev’ry Jewish bone of mine

  I shall unsex thee even where thou standest,

  Thou three-inch-member’d, racist, goyish rake!

  BANNOX

  A Jew, you shrew, you lousy screw, ’tis true!

  MACTRUMP

  What didst thou say, thou horrid bobolyne?

  BANNOX

  I beg your pardon, lord, for this display,

  But these—the members of your family—

  Give you advice that should not follow’d be.

  When you, my lord, remov’d me from the Council

  Of National Security, ’twas well—

  I ne’er complain’d or aught against you spake.

  Yet with this harpy I cannot compete.

  Pray, make your choice e’en now: ’tis she or I.

  MACTRUMP

  Bold Bannox, on such footing thou shalt fall.

  Ne’er would I choose another o’er my kin,

  For she, to me, is like another self,

  As if I did upon a mirror gaze

  And saw this Desdivanka staring back.

  She is the strongest, brightest branch upon

  The great tree of MacTrump, which standeth proud.

  An thou wouldst cut her off so cruelly,

  Thou wilt be clipp’d—ne’er was there a decision

  As plain as this. Hear, Bannox: thou art fir’d.

  PUBIS

  [aside:] O, will it come to this? Imprudent man!

  BANNOX

  My pride is all I have, which I shall take

  With me and then depart with utmost haste.

  [Exit Bannox, followed by Pubis.

  DESDIVANKA

  Twice, Father, you have made me proud today.

  MACTRUMP

  If I could make a mint by pleasing thee,

  ’Twould be the simplest fortune man e’er made.

  DESDIVANKA

  Forget not, as you go, your maxim, sir.

  MACTRUMP

  “You’re fir’d”? For whom now?

  DESDIVANKA

  —Nay, the other one.

  MACTRUMP

  “I’ll have some fries with that”?

  DESDIVANKA

  —You’ve earn’d them, sir—

  Go to your lunch and fill your belly full.

  Dine happily and dwell upon this thought:

  You have secur’d your liberty today.

  MACTRUMP

  I’ll have them scallop’d with a cheesy sauce!

  [Exit MacTrump.

  KUSHREW

  Thou hast done well, my love, and mov’d him to

  The action thou desir’st: Dogcomey out.

  DESDIVANKA

  Sir James Dogcomey was a canker, which

  Was necessary to remove at once

  To help maintain the body politic.

  Yet his removal was not my main aim,

  For as a gardener pulls out a weed

  And, in the process, throws away the worm

  That crawl’d upon the weed, thus wiping out

  Two pests at once, so both Dogcomey and

  The wormlike Bannox promptly are dispos’d.

  KUSHREW

  Didst thou have Bannox in thine aim as well?

  DESDIVANKA

  Indeed.

  KUSHREW

  —But wherefore?

  DESDIVANKA

  —Seest thou not, O imp?

  My loving, noble father is a feather

  Which may be blown about by any wind.

  This Bannox was near bursting with hot air,

  Which would have blown my father off his course—

  At least, the course on which I’d have him run.

  I will not have my schemes undone by him,

  Or any other who would cross my path.

  ’Tis only Desdivanka’s squall that shall

  Propel MacTrump unto more lofty heights.

  KUSHREW

  Thy craftiness doth move me in my core.

  DESDIVANKA

  Let’s to our chamber, where I’ll move thee more.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  Inside the White Hold briefing room and in the Senate halls.

  Enter MCTWEET in haste.

  MCTWEET

  Hear ye! Hear ye! Sir James Dogcomey of

  The Deaf Beehive is sack’d! The hornet’s nest

  Is swiftly kick’d, and rumors buzz that all

  Of Washingtown has tied themselves in knots

  O’er all the threads of tweets at once unfurl’d

  By a most thunderous MacTrump. They say:

  [McTweet reads from several scraps of paper.

  “The Cryin’ Senator Chuck Snoozer sobb’d

  For he hath lost faith in Dogcomey. Ha!

  Then why’s he so indignant? #DrainTheSwamp!

  The Democrati spake some of the worst

  Things of Dogcomey, like he should be sack’d,

  But now put on an act as players sad!

  Dogcomey will soon be replac’d by one

  Far better suited for the task to bring

  The Deaf Beehive back to its golden self.

  Dogcomey lost the confidence of all

  In Washingtown, both the Republicon

  And Democrati fold. When all is calm,

  They will be thanking me for what I’ve done!

  One Democrato senator doth speak

  Of dumb Dogcomey as a jester. Ha!

  Methinks the only joker in the deck

  Is that defrauding Democrato who…”

  [McTweet turns to another page.

  “So falsely sang of how he fought the war

  In Vietnuremberg. The ass! He spoke

  Of bravery and conquests, ‘Semper fi!’

  To his Connecticutian multitude,

  ’Til he was caught! The sucker sobbed just like…”

  [McTweet searches for the next page.

  [Aside:] We call them tweets, not Twitterstorms, you know.

  [McTweet finds the page and resumes reading.

  “A toothless baby, be
gging for the milk

  Of human kindness to forgive his fault.

  The fraud may think he is my judge and jury,

  But he should be the one investigated!

  Moreover, those reports on Roger Blackstone

  Are C-N-Nothing but pure lies—faux news.

  I haven’t spoken with the goat for days,

  And if I did, he never sway’d my hand.”

  [McTweet looks up from the pages.

  Was that one hundred forty characters?

  Methinks it was a dozen libels more.

  [Exit.

  Enter SEAN SPICERO above, on balcony, flanked by JOURNALISTS.

  SPICERO

  Please be ye seated, public enemies.

  [The journalists sit.

  First, let me say reports about our border

  That tell of children lock’d in unsafe cages

  Are wholly false, tell not the tale entire;

  For men and women are, too, lock’d therein.

  ’Tis time for questions, therefore let me ask

  What can I say that’s not already known?

  JOURNALIST 1

  Perhaps the truth?

  SPICERO

  —The truth is only this:

  The Deputy Attorney General—

  Sir Rodney Rosenstern—a man whose record

  Is unimpeachable, who has for years

  Serv’d in the grand department serving justice,

  Who just a fortnight hence hath been confirm’d

  By our United Fiefdoms Senate, yea,

  A vote that was full ninety-four to two:

  This Rosenstern, an honorable man—

  JOURNALIST 2

  Why talk of Rosenstern? Tell of Dogcomey!

  SPICERO

  This man spake unto his superior,

  Grand Duke Secessions, sharing his opinion

  That this Dogcomey was not fit to serve.

  They shar’d the matter with the president,

  Who did, in turn, accept their judgment true.

  Dogcomey was invited to resign.

  JOURNALIST 3

  Bah! Was not this the bidding of MacTrump?

  SPICERO

  Nay, never.

  JOURNALIST 2

  —What of Stephen Bannox, eh?

  JOURNALIST 3

  Is’t true he shall be exiting as well?

  JOURNALIST 1

  Why is th’administration cloak’d in myst’ry?

  SPICERO

  I bid you, cease. One question at a time.

  [Aside:] Alack, I need to find a place to hide!

  Perhaps this stately shrubbery will do.

  [Spicero picks up a potted tree and hides behind it.

  JOURNALIST 1

  Is that a shrubbery he hides behind?

  JOURNALIST 2

  In faith, it is! And quite a shrubbery.

  [Spicero slowly moves away, hiding behind the plant.

 

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