by Ian Doescher
I hear her singing, “Prithee, hold thy purse,”
For thou hast even failèd to obtain
Top-secret clearances to do thy work.
KUSHREW
Apologies, mine only Desdivanka.
DESDIVANKA
Forgive th’intrusion of this noisome man—
My husband, as you know, he will be talking,
For when the age is in, the wit is out.
MACTRUMP
Are you not of the same age as he is?
DESDIVANKA
Nay, Father, he hath full ten months on me.
MACTRUMP
Ah.
DESDIVANKA
—Let me start again, third time’s the charm:
We two were speaking of how we could best
Protect you from your many errant foes.
One in particular hath come to mind,
Who is, I fear, a taller threat than all.
MACTRUMP
I would fain know of whom thou speakest, chuck.
DESDIVANKA
The constable, Sir James Dogcomey he.
MACTRUMP
Sir James Dogcomey of the Deaf Beehive,
Which doth protect America by stings
And yet is known worldwide for its discretion?
DESDIVANKA
E’en he, the very man. He is a traitor.
MACTRUMP
A traitor unto our United Fiefdoms?
DESDIVANKA
A traitor unto you, which is the same.
The man doth seek to smear you horridly,
Take your great name and sling his filth upon’t,
In hopes that you will fall into disgrace
Withal those whom have long supported you.
He seeks to learn about your Prussian friends—
Those kindly folk who only labor to
Unite the peoples of the world as one—
And how they help’d you unto victory
Against your foe Hillaria.
KUSHREW
—Indeed,
’Tis certain that he seeks to do you harm.
DESDIVANKA
He’ll stop at nothing to besmirch your honor
Unless, brave Father, you do stop him first.
MACTRUMP
A snake that hideth in the grass, just so!
Methought I heard a most unpleasant hiss.
More love I cannot shed on thee, my dear,
Yet somehow thou wouldst rise in my esteem
If thou canst tell me how to stop the man.
DESDIVANKA
Was the hope drunk wherein you dress’d yourself?
You, sir, are president o’er all the land,
With pow’rs executive that cannot fail.
Employ your fav’rite maxim on the man—
MACTRUMP
“I’ll have some fries with that”?
DESDIVANKA
—Nay, th’other one.
MACTRUMP
“You’re fir’d.”
DESDIVANKA
—Forsooth, my father, ’tis the one.
Use that one phrase and let it fall upon
Dogcomey’s head.
MACTRUMP
—If we should fail—
DESDIVANKA
—We won’t!
So screw your courage to the sticking-place,
For we’ll not fail. I trust your fire, bold Father.
Unleash it on Dogcomey.
MACTRUMP
—So I shall.
[Calling out:] Secessions, Rosenstern, I bid ye come—
And Bannox, Pubis, ye should hear this, too!
Enter STEPHEN BANNOX, REINCE PUBIS, SIR RODNEY
ROSENSTERN, and GRAND DUKE JEFFREY SECESSIONS.
SECESSIONS
What is your bidding, Master?
ROSENSTERN
—Yes, my liege?
MACTRUMP
You two must pen a swift decree for me
And herald it throughout all Washingtown.
[Aside:] I’ll tell McTweet, that he may sing it, too.
ROSENSTERN
What shall it say?
MACTRUMP
—Sir James Dogcomey is
No longer welcome in his current post.
He must resign, or face his sov’reign’s wrath.
[Bannox and Pubis stare at each other.
ROSENSTERN
My lord, do you believe this plan is wise?
Dogcomey hath not challeng’d you as yet,
And certainly what he suspecteth of
Your contacts with the Prussians is untrue.
MACTRUMP
Er, yes. Untrue. And definitely false.
ROSENSTERN
Then wherefore do you need to make this move?
MACTRUMP
O, reason not the need! MacTrump hath spoken,
And thine is not to question why, but do!
Wouldst thou, mayhap, prefer to share his fate?
ROSENSTERN
Nay, sir, I swear it shall be done.
SECESSIONS
—And swiftly.
[Exeunt Rosenstern, bowing, and Secessions.
DESDIVANKA
A man, a father, and a president!
Here, in a trice, you triumph’d at all three.
BANNOX
My lord MacTrump, I’d speak a word with you.
MACTRUMP
What is it, Bantam? ’Tis past time for lunch.
BANNOX
This reckless choice shall wreck you, by my troth.
PUBIS
It is unwise so blatantly to thwart
Your enemies, e’en if it is your right.
BANNOX
Will this not fuel the fire of foul suspicion?
Soon all the world will look to Prussia and
Its interests in you and your young reign.
Can you not see? Dogcomey is a hydra:
For each head you remove, two more appear.
DESDIVANKA
Wilt thou, rude man, dispute thy president?
Do not forget he holds thy strings as well.
MACTRUMP
[aside:] She showeth love by her defense of me—
O Desdivanka, darling of my heart.
BANNOX
My lord, would you vouchsafe me leave to speak
With your most pleasant daughter privately?
MACTRUMP
She is a grown adult; do as thou wilt.
In any instance, I must take a leak.
[Exit MacTrump.
BANNOX
Thou callest me a puppet, little strumpet?
KUSHREW
Forgive me, sir, I shall not stand aside
Whilst thou insultest—
[Desdivanka silences Kushrew by raising her hand.
DESDIVANKA
—Do, my faithful husband.
I bid thee sit outside the doorway there,
Whilst I trade words withal this fearsome dragon.
[Exit Kushrew.
Thou beggest for this private council, Bannox—
I therefore shall give it to thee in full
I understand thine ev’ry motive, toad,
Thou sycophantic flatterer, lickspittle!
Thy mind is mov’d by ancient prejudice
Against myself and my dear husband, Jared.
Forsooth, I spy the way you sneer at him,
How thou dost scorn him to the very bone,
How thou wilt never grant
him leave to speak
And interrupt his ev’ry thought and word.
At first I thought you envied his good looks
Against that spotted dick thou call’st thy face;
Or mayhap thou desir’st his fetching wife,
The blushing damsel standing in thy presence
As ripe for sin as hell is hot with hate.
Indeed, I see through thee like thou art glass,
Because thy rotting skin is paper-thin.
Thou hat’st my brilliant husband for the same
Foul reason hat’st thou me: I am a Jew.
BANNOX
Thou silly girl, most overprivileg’d!
Dost thou believe I would—
DESDIVANKA
—I am a Jew!
Dost thou think I shall stand aside, impassive
To thy pathetic, paltry prejudice,
Or unaffect’d by thy faux reports?
I am the Jew who did annihilate
The great Fretensis Legion at Masada,
Who once accomplishèd the exile of
Nebuchadnezzar unto Babylon,
Who turn’d back Alexander and then Cyrus,
Who flooded seven hills whilst Nero wept!
Thy contribution to this world shall pass
As quickly as a cup of piss doth through
The bladder of a man of seventy—
Enter MACTRUMP and LORD JARED KUSHREW.
Yet if you e’er insult our faith again,
I swear by ev’ry Jewish bone of mine
I shall unsex thee even where thou standest,
Thou three-inch-member’d, racist, goyish rake!
BANNOX
A Jew, you shrew, you lousy screw, ’tis true!
MACTRUMP
What didst thou say, thou horrid bobolyne?
BANNOX
I beg your pardon, lord, for this display,
But these—the members of your family—
Give you advice that should not follow’d be.
When you, my lord, remov’d me from the Council
Of National Security, ’twas well—
I ne’er complain’d or aught against you spake.
Yet with this harpy I cannot compete.
Pray, make your choice e’en now: ’tis she or I.
MACTRUMP
Bold Bannox, on such footing thou shalt fall.
Ne’er would I choose another o’er my kin,
For she, to me, is like another self,
As if I did upon a mirror gaze
And saw this Desdivanka staring back.
She is the strongest, brightest branch upon
The great tree of MacTrump, which standeth proud.
An thou wouldst cut her off so cruelly,
Thou wilt be clipp’d—ne’er was there a decision
As plain as this. Hear, Bannox: thou art fir’d.
PUBIS
[aside:] O, will it come to this? Imprudent man!
BANNOX
My pride is all I have, which I shall take
With me and then depart with utmost haste.
[Exit Bannox, followed by Pubis.
DESDIVANKA
Twice, Father, you have made me proud today.
MACTRUMP
If I could make a mint by pleasing thee,
’Twould be the simplest fortune man e’er made.
DESDIVANKA
Forget not, as you go, your maxim, sir.
MACTRUMP
“You’re fir’d”? For whom now?
DESDIVANKA
—Nay, the other one.
MACTRUMP
“I’ll have some fries with that”?
DESDIVANKA
—You’ve earn’d them, sir—
Go to your lunch and fill your belly full.
Dine happily and dwell upon this thought:
You have secur’d your liberty today.
MACTRUMP
I’ll have them scallop’d with a cheesy sauce!
[Exit MacTrump.
KUSHREW
Thou hast done well, my love, and mov’d him to
The action thou desir’st: Dogcomey out.
DESDIVANKA
Sir James Dogcomey was a canker, which
Was necessary to remove at once
To help maintain the body politic.
Yet his removal was not my main aim,
For as a gardener pulls out a weed
And, in the process, throws away the worm
That crawl’d upon the weed, thus wiping out
Two pests at once, so both Dogcomey and
The wormlike Bannox promptly are dispos’d.
KUSHREW
Didst thou have Bannox in thine aim as well?
DESDIVANKA
Indeed.
KUSHREW
—But wherefore?
DESDIVANKA
—Seest thou not, O imp?
My loving, noble father is a feather
Which may be blown about by any wind.
This Bannox was near bursting with hot air,
Which would have blown my father off his course—
At least, the course on which I’d have him run.
I will not have my schemes undone by him,
Or any other who would cross my path.
’Tis only Desdivanka’s squall that shall
Propel MacTrump unto more lofty heights.
KUSHREW
Thy craftiness doth move me in my core.
DESDIVANKA
Let’s to our chamber, where I’ll move thee more.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 2.
Inside the White Hold briefing room and in the Senate halls.
Enter MCTWEET in haste.
MCTWEET
Hear ye! Hear ye! Sir James Dogcomey of
The Deaf Beehive is sack’d! The hornet’s nest
Is swiftly kick’d, and rumors buzz that all
Of Washingtown has tied themselves in knots
O’er all the threads of tweets at once unfurl’d
By a most thunderous MacTrump. They say:
[McTweet reads from several scraps of paper.
“The Cryin’ Senator Chuck Snoozer sobb’d
For he hath lost faith in Dogcomey. Ha!
Then why’s he so indignant? #DrainTheSwamp!
The Democrati spake some of the worst
Things of Dogcomey, like he should be sack’d,
But now put on an act as players sad!
Dogcomey will soon be replac’d by one
Far better suited for the task to bring
The Deaf Beehive back to its golden self.
Dogcomey lost the confidence of all
In Washingtown, both the Republicon
And Democrati fold. When all is calm,
They will be thanking me for what I’ve done!
One Democrato senator doth speak
Of dumb Dogcomey as a jester. Ha!
Methinks the only joker in the deck
Is that defrauding Democrato who…”
[McTweet turns to another page.
“So falsely sang of how he fought the war
In Vietnuremberg. The ass! He spoke
Of bravery and conquests, ‘Semper fi!’
To his Connecticutian multitude,
’Til he was caught! The sucker sobbed just like…”
[McTweet searches for the next page.
[Aside:] We call them tweets, not Twitterstorms, you know.
[McTweet finds the page and resumes reading.
“A toothless baby, be
gging for the milk
Of human kindness to forgive his fault.
The fraud may think he is my judge and jury,
But he should be the one investigated!
Moreover, those reports on Roger Blackstone
Are C-N-Nothing but pure lies—faux news.
I haven’t spoken with the goat for days,
And if I did, he never sway’d my hand.”
[McTweet looks up from the pages.
Was that one hundred forty characters?
Methinks it was a dozen libels more.
[Exit.
Enter SEAN SPICERO above, on balcony, flanked by JOURNALISTS.
SPICERO
Please be ye seated, public enemies.
[The journalists sit.
First, let me say reports about our border
That tell of children lock’d in unsafe cages
Are wholly false, tell not the tale entire;
For men and women are, too, lock’d therein.
’Tis time for questions, therefore let me ask
What can I say that’s not already known?
JOURNALIST 1
Perhaps the truth?
SPICERO
—The truth is only this:
The Deputy Attorney General—
Sir Rodney Rosenstern—a man whose record
Is unimpeachable, who has for years
Serv’d in the grand department serving justice,
Who just a fortnight hence hath been confirm’d
By our United Fiefdoms Senate, yea,
A vote that was full ninety-four to two:
This Rosenstern, an honorable man—
JOURNALIST 2
Why talk of Rosenstern? Tell of Dogcomey!
SPICERO
This man spake unto his superior,
Grand Duke Secessions, sharing his opinion
That this Dogcomey was not fit to serve.
They shar’d the matter with the president,
Who did, in turn, accept their judgment true.
Dogcomey was invited to resign.
JOURNALIST 3
Bah! Was not this the bidding of MacTrump?
SPICERO
Nay, never.
JOURNALIST 2
—What of Stephen Bannox, eh?
JOURNALIST 3
Is’t true he shall be exiting as well?
JOURNALIST 1
Why is th’administration cloak’d in myst’ry?
SPICERO
I bid you, cease. One question at a time.
[Aside:] Alack, I need to find a place to hide!
Perhaps this stately shrubbery will do.
[Spicero picks up a potted tree and hides behind it.
JOURNALIST 1
Is that a shrubbery he hides behind?
JOURNALIST 2
In faith, it is! And quite a shrubbery.
[Spicero slowly moves away, hiding behind the plant.