by Ian Doescher
JOURNALIST 1
O, Master Secretary, wherefore do
You move the trees toward Capitol Hill?
JOURNALIST 2
[to journalists:] Come, fellows! We must interview that shrub!
[Exit Spicero from balcony, followed by journalists.
Enter LADY NANCY PROSPEROSI, SENATOR CHARLES SOOTHER, and SENATOR BERNICARUS below, on stage.
SOOTHER
Good luck ne’er came with such simplicity!
MacTrump hath sack’d Dogcomey, which shall prove
His swift undoing in the public eye.
BERNICARUS
If I had been elected, we would not
Have had to face a farce so ludicrous.
PROSPEROSI
If thou hadst been elected, we would not
Be freezing near this marble colonnade.
BERNICARUS
And if a frog had wings, it would not bump
Its rear each time it hopp’d along the ground!
Yet here we are.
SOOTHER
[to Prosperosi:] —Canst thou not savor this
Sweet moment when MacTrump’s descent begins?
PROSPEROSI
The moment would be easier to cherish
If we had sturdier assurances.
The situation, gladly I admit,
Appears most negative for rank MacTrump—
Yet he is far more slipp’ry than a snake.
SOOTHER
Recall when he said he could stand upon
The median of Avenue the Fifth,
And thereupon could shoot somebody down,
Yet, in the deed, would nary lose a voter?
Methinks his claim was somewhat justified.
BERNICARUS
No thane since Andrew Jacksonstein has said
Such hateful words more redolent of crime
And despotism than our nation’s ruler.
SOOTHER
[to Prosperosi:] Still, thou must feel some measure of delight.
PROSPEROSI
A speck, I do confess, of schadenfreude.
Enter DEMOCRATO SENATOR 1.
SOOTHER
What news?
SENATOR 1
—The rumors we have heard are true—
Not only hath Dogcomey felt the singe
Of furious MacTrump’s consuming fire,
But Stephen Bannox, too, doth blaze withal.
PROSPEROSI
E’en Bannox? Is it possible?
SENATOR 1
—Indeed!
Spicero hath admitted to the break,
And Bannox hath discuss’d the matter freely
In his appearance on the Pox Network.
PROSPEROSI
The Pox Network! I pray, speak not of it—
The horrid house of hateful Hannitease.
Enough of poxes. Prithee, dearest Soother,
Wouldst thou repeat the question thou didst ask
Of me of late?
[Soothers pauses, then smiles.
SOOTHER
—If thou shalt savor this
Sweet moment when MacTrump’s descent begins?
PROSPEROSI
Mine answer changeth in a trice: I shall!
The table is arrang’d for perfect service:
Both Sir Dogcomey and vile Bannox, too!
BERNICARUS
Indeed, it seems our fortunes change forthwith.
SOOTHER
As thou didst forecast, Lady Prosperosi,
MacTrump hath brought about Dogcomey’s fall;
Two men, so proud, could not long coexist.
BERNICARUS
Now Bannox—bankrupt bandleader—is bann’d!
Did ever news come in such sweet duets?
Enter DEMOCRATO SENATOR 2.
SENATOR 2
Holla, my colleagues—have ye heard the news?
PROSPEROSI
Dogcomey gone?
SOOTHER
—And Bannox out as well?
BERNICARUS
Our hopes accomplish’d in a perfect storm?
SENATOR 2
Nay, other news have I: a marshal comes!
PROSPEROSI
Alack, is Prussia pressing their advantage?
BERNICARUS
Shall North Korasia send a missile strike?
SOOTHER
ISISins send guerillas in the midst?
SENATOR 2
Nay, nay, ye do misunderstand my news.
’Tis not an army come from foreign lands,
And neither is it something to be fear’d—
At least, not for the Democrati ranks.
It is a force not made for battlefields
But for the battlements of righteousness—
A warrior whose steel is but his pen,
Whose golden shield is fear’d throughout the land.
His armies can win wars without a shot
Of firepow’r, save for his indictments apt.
Sir Rodney Rosenstern hath—in the wake
Of innocent Dogcomey’s swift dismissal—
Us’d his authority to institute…
PROSPEROSI
We prithee, speak it out!
SENATOR 2
—An inquisition!
[All gasp.
BERNICARUS
I did not see that coming.
PROSPEROSI
—No one does.
Horns blare. All look to the balcony.
Enter SIR RODNEY ROSENSTERN above, on balcony, surrounded by JOURNALISTS.
ROSENSTERN
By virtue of th’authority that hath
Been vested in mine office, Deputy
Attorney General, in order to
Discharge my vast responsibility—
Providing management and supervision
Of our department serving justice’s cause—
To, thereupon, ensure a full and thorough
Investigation of the Prussian heads’
Attempts to interfere in our election,
I hereby order these three things be done:
Sir Robert of MacMueller is appointed
As special counsel in the cause of justice,
The special counsel shall investigate
The links twixt Prussia and MacTrump’s campaign,
And may, thereafter, prosecute such crimes
Arising from the inquisition’s findings.
[Horns blare. Exeunt Rosenstern and journalists.
SOOTHER
Ne’er came an army with a general
So welcome as this special counsel cometh!
PROSPEROSI
Good news, it seems, is like the trinity,
Bestowing threefold blessing on us all!
SENATOR 1
Methought ye would appreciate this update.
SOOTHER
McTweet, appear!
Enter MCTWEET.
MCTWEET
—Thou call’st, and I come flying.
SOOTHER
Canst tell us what the trends are at the moment?
MCTWEET
Indeed; if thou say’st, “Squawk,” I’ll ask, “How high?”
[McTweet checks his parchments.
Ah! “ ’Tis MacMueller time” is on the rise,
Whilst others call upon “The Lie Detector.”
Still more revise the MAGA acronym:
“MacMueller ainteth going anywhere.”
BERNICARUS
Ha! O, you fool, MacTrump. The tweeting birds
You go
ssip with shall hashtag you in jail!
PROSPEROSI
With ev’ry piece of news my heart grows fuller.
Our liberation comes! Its name: MacMueller.
[Exeunt in excitement.
SCENE 3.
Beneath the cherry blossoms at the Tidal Pool.
Enter DONNISON.
DONNISON
The gentlemen whom one first thinks upon
When romance is the topic—like, of course,
Vindeezel, Schwarzeneggrus, and Stalloni—
Were never as turn’d o’er and o’er as my
Poor self at even just the thought of love.
I spend my days in pining for some passion,
And nightly weep myself to sleep and hope
That I shall dream about a lover’s touch.
Yet still no ladies break upon my sight
Who would approach with amorous intent.
Would that I might ascend to Mount Olympus,
And thereupon drop in on mighty Zeus—
There was a god who had a way with ladies,
For he did father gods and demigods
In dozens if not hundreds, and each with
A diff’rent lady ev’ry single day.
Once I had talk’d with Zeus and learn’d his ways,
Then I would go to visit Cupid next—
The man-boy thing who hath the flappy wings—
And tell him to release an arrow—nay,
A quiver’s worth of arrows, by my troth!—
Upon my lonely body presently:
Romantic acupuncture, verily,
Which would ensure I’d get a lady soon.
This loneliness hath lasted far too long,
Its pain too deep, its harshness too severe,
For Donnison to carry on much more.
Soon, I must either meet my future bride
Or wither like potatoes on the vine.
Behold this landscape, made for love to bloom—
The cherry trees that blossom pink and white
And drop their gentle leaves upon the ground,
Creating an exquisite promenade.
Ne’er was a heart so fill’d with love as mine,
Awaiting a receptacle most fair
In which my dripping love may gently flow.
[He begins to weep.
Enter DAME DESDIVANKA, unnoticed.
DESDIVANKA
What’s this? My elder brother in a grove
And blubbing with unmanly sniffles? Bah!
I would be worried if methought he wept
For reasons consequential to myself.
And yet, mine instincts give me cause to wonder:
What could disrupt my simple sib so much
That he should shed the robes of dignity
By weeping nakedly upon the earth?
The wolves of Washingtown have many eyes,
Which e’er are fix’d upon my softer brothers,
Awaiting any opportunity
To slander the MacTrumps with false reports.
I will not let such shameful spectacles
Embarrass Father and disrupt my plots.
I, therefore, shall observe my brother here
To guarantee the dolt betrays me not.
[She hides behind a monument.
DONNISON
O, is this not a pitiable sight?
To all the world, it seems I’ve ev’rything—
My father president, and I his courtier.
Yet still the tears fall, springing from mine eyes,
An ’twere a waterfall cascading grief.
But soft, I spy my brother drawing near—
I’ll hide myself ’til I no longer weep.
[He hides behind a tree.
Enter ERICSON.
ERICSON
[singing:] If she be single, I shall woo,
If she be pretty, bring her, too,
If she be smart, she’ll have to do,
Sing nonny for the ladies.
If she be farmer, I shall moo,
If she be Kanga, I’m her Roo,
If she be married, I am blue,
Sing nonny for the ladies.
DONNISON
[aside:] At least in heartsickness I have a peer.
[Donnison emerges.
Good day, young Ericson.
ERICSON
—O! Donnison,
Didst thou behold me as I hither stroll’d?
Methinks, perhaps, I should be most embarrass’d—
DONNISON
Nay, do not fret. I heard thy ballad, yea,
Yet would not mock thee for the world entire—
Indeed, it mov’d my soul to hear thee sing,
For I, of late, have wistfully been walking
And dreaming of an unknown paramour.
DESDIVANKA
[aside, hidden:] A pair of milksops—both do bring me shame!
ERICSON
We are two fools.
DONNISON
—Two fools beset by love
And its o’erwhelming power o’er our lives.
ERICSON
What shall we do?
Enter LADY JUSTINE and LADY MARIANNE walking, not seeing the boys.
MARIANNE
[to Justine:] —The cherry blossoms bloom.
JUSTINE
Mine eyes have not the strength to view the sight,
But pause—the fragrances are beauteous.
DONNISON
[aside to Ericson:] O brother, see the maidens sweet and gentle—
An instant answer to our fervent pray’rs!
ERICSON
[aside to Donnison:] Like angels come from heaven, by my troth!
MARIANNE
[to Justine:] Didst hear the news about MacMueller’s probe?
JUSTINE
I did! And if MacTrump hath aught to hide,
It won’t elude a bloodhound like MacMueller.
The scales of justice tilt in our direction!
MARIANNE
Then shall the people have their liberty
From all the villain’s foul maneuverings!
DESDIVANKA
[aside, hidden:] See how my brothers’ mouths do fall and gape
As they behold the simple women here.
These harlots revel in my father’s fall!
Should either of my brothers try to lure
These wenches with a boast, I fear the wreck
Their siren song could bring if they do learn
The secrets known within the House MacTrump.
[Exeunt Justine and Marianne.
DONNISON
[to Ericson:] Hurrah! Our perseverance is rewarded!
So long we’ve waited for love to appear—
ERICSON
And suddenly it comes in double form.
One each for both of us! Which one lik’st thou?
DONNISON
What is the difference? For they are ladies!
We shall divide the spoils once they are ours.
How shall we win them?
ERICSON
—Let’s devise a plan.
[Donnison and Ericson step aside and talk privately.
DESDIVANKA
[aside, hidden:] I cannot watch these lummoxes for long.
I shall distract them with a cunning ruse—
Yet not alone. McTweet!
Enter MCTWEET, unseen by the boys.
MCTWEET
—My maiden fair,
I hear thine orisons! How may I serve?
DESDIVANKA
>
Two new accounts I would create posthaste
The first call’d “Mistress Quickly’s Girls” and th’other
“Besotted Betty.”
MCTWEET
—Sorry, that one’s taken.
DESDIVANKA
Then “Debbie Doth DC.”
MCTWEET
—A frightful play,
Not one of Marlowe’s best, an thou ask’st me.
DESDIVANKA
I shall use both accounts for messages.
Anon, my brothers shall be sending missives
Unto the monikers. Canst thou do this?
MCTWEET
Yea, false accounts, ma’am, are my specialty.
DESDIVANKA
Once they reply, I bid thee forward on
Their messages to one another. See?
One shall respond, yet it shall seem as though
The message cometh from the other woman.
Then, not a single errant word they share
Will make its way into mischievous hands!
Dost understand?
MCTWEET
—Their thoughts pass’d on by bots,
I comprehend and shall fulfill my task.
DESDIVANKA
Then to thy work, good bird, and I to mine.
[Desdivanka pulls the quill from McTweet’s cap and pens a message. She hands it to McTweet. Donnison and Ericson’s conversation is interrupted when McTweet whistles.
DONNISON
What’s this? A message cometh suddenly.
[McTweet hands the message to Donnison.
ERICSON
Aught with our father? Are we needed back?
DONNISON
Nay, nay, ’tis from one “Mistress Quickly’s Girls.”
ERICSON
Confounding, verily. What doth it say?
DONNISON
[reading:] “My friend and I just pass’d thee and thy brother,
Whilst we did walk among the cherry trees.
I recognize thee from the Pox Network.
I hope it is not far too forward, sir,
But I would meet with thee. Alone. At night.”
ERICSON
Is’t possible?
DONNISON
—This, brother, must be fate!
[Desdivanka motions to McTweet. He whistles again and when the boys are distracted, McTweet snatches the message from Donnison’s hand and gives it to Ericson.
ERICSON
A message comes for me as well—ha, ha!
From “Debbie Doth DC”—a classy name.
DONNISON
She soundeth friendly. Pray, what doth it say?
ERICSON
[reading:] “My friend and I just pass’d thee and thy brother,
Whilst we did walk among the cherry trees.
I recognize thee from the Pox Network.
I hope it is not far too forward, sir,