by Ian Doescher
SOOTHER
Kind colleague, I can see no chairs for us.
MACTUTTLE
That is correct. [Smiling:] Please sit. You have the floor.
[Soother appears surprised; Prosperosi is insulted.
PROSPEROSI
Sir, dost thou know that in the full eight years
Your Democrati predecessor held
Thine office, he ne’er show’d thee e’en an ounce
Of this vile insult thou hast shown just now?
MACTUTTLE
My Democrati predecessor, Reid,
Ne’er held an office such as is mine own,
And I thank God above he never did.
Yet if thy former leader ran things as
I do, he might have more successful been.
SOOTHER
Of course—vast health care laws, an energiz’d
Economy, and num’rous victories
That thou and all thy powers fail’d to thwart—
MACTUTTLE
And two more High Court justice seats: a feat
I shall achieve in half the time as he.
PROSPEROSI
I see no reason, sir, for thee to boast
O’er aught that was obtain’d through thievery.
MACTUTTLE
Ma’am, I know thou know’st there’s no such thing as
A union perfect. We’ve had numerous
Past presidents claim power through such means.
To hold oneself unto decorum for
The sake of that decorum is but folly.
I did exploit an opportunity
Provided by the way our system functions.
Thou shouldst adore such brazen patriotism.
PROSPEROSI
I should abhor such brazen patronizing!
MACTUTTLE
O, patronizing? [To Soother:] This is why you came—
But to insult me in the guise of peace?
SOOTHER
My colleague, surely know’st thou ’tis not so.
We’ve hither come to gauge if compromise
Is possible with thee and Congress both.
Our system hath been built on compromises
No differently than bicycles are built
With wheels of two. No bike whose wheels do spin
In opposite directions calls itself
A bicycle for long—we need our system
To roll if we would keep MacTrump in check.
Thy party made a bargain with the devil
A long time past, which—as Faust learn’d—is hellish.
Thou canst not, by thyself, control MacTrump.
To tie the devil to a pillow takes
Two hands. If he’s not tied, all hell breaks loose.
MACTUTTLE
Methinks not, Master Soother. Compromise
Hath always been a hindrance in this country.
Wars are not won through compromise, but by
Completely crushing all one’s enemies.
SOOTHER
We are not enemies. We’re friends.
MACTUTTLE
—We’re not.
Why dost thou think we fought a civil war
With one another in the days of yore?
’Twas not a compromise; ’twas warfare bleak.
The South has not forgotten our just cause
Of southern rights to peace and property.
PROSPEROSI
And slavery.
MACTUTTLE
—Nay, and supremacy.
The party of Republicons that beat
The South hath fallen firmly in our hands.
Now we’re the party that hath won the war.
As long as I shall stand as Senate leader,
The Democrati are our enemies.
PROSPEROSI
Thou hast no power constitutional
To exercise thy power in that manner.
Thine office does not e’en exist within
The Constitution!
MACTUTTLE
—Yet whose fault is that?
Recall that neither of you did complain
About my duties when someone among
Your Democrati leaders held them. True?
Thus, when O’Bama came to power, what
Compulsion did we have to work with him?
I did what I felt best t’advance mine own.
O’Bama was a rank affront to millions
Of people in this country. All I did
Was guarantee their chosen senators
Would fight against his rule with all our might.
PROSPEROSI
They did fight. It was callèd an election.
The Democrati won.
MACTUTTLE
—Yet not for long.
SOOTHER
Thou didst not fairly fight, my colleague dear.
Thou hast abusèd ev’ry pow’r we had,
With which the Constitution would protect
The party that is in minority.
MACTUTTLE
Is there a law against minorities
Aspiring to become majorities?
You’re both in the minority today,
Just as I was. If you cannot escape it,
Belike ’tis there that you belong.
PROSPEROSI
—Fie on’t!
My whole life long I’ve suffer’d men like thee,
Complaining over despotism foul,
And tyranny as well, when thou’rt in power.
Thy kind exploit each prejudice and fear
To whitewash the reality of truth:
That thy best years are gone, and thou hast lost!
This too: America hath ever been
More powerful in its diversity
Than it e’er could be under white male rule.
MACTUTTLE
Thou hast been warn’d, with explanation giv’n:
Yet nevertheless thou persisted still.
Rude woman, thou art standing in the office
Of the most pow’rful person in the country.
I do control the fate of all three branches
Of government. I hold the power to
Decide what justice is for generations.
I am not bounded by term limits, nay,
And I come from a state that would select
A warthog to elected office if
The animal were but Republicon.
I have denied them health, yet they support me.
I have denied them jobs, yet they support me.
I have denied them schools, food, better housing,
A safe environment, yet they support me.
Why? ’Tis because I do belong in pow’r,
Be it by some divine and holy right
Or merely strength of mine own solid will.
Think on it: ev’ryone who held my office
Was white and male, and ev’ryone who held
Thy colleague Soother’s office? White and male.
Thou art the lone exception—aberration—
In some two hundred years of history.
’Tis not impressive, nay. ’Tis merely a
Statistical anomaly that shall
Be easily corrected by white men
And by white women, too, throughout the country.
Such is our land, and I stand proud therein.
If thou dost like it not, I bid thee leave.
Thou’rt not a necessary part of it.
SOOTHER
For how much longer, my dear senator,
Dost thou believe MacTrump will think thou art
A necessary part of his regime?
MACTUTTLE
Naught hath been writ within the Constitution
With which MacTrump can threaten me, and he
Cannot invent one sans mine own approval,
Which shall, I need not say, ne’er come to pass.
And should he threaten me in any way,
I’ll execute my constitutional
Responsibility by calling for
The vote for his removal from high office,
So that a wiser, less disruptive, and
Far weaker man nam’d Pound can take his place.
PROSPEROSI
Thou hast forgot there are two chambers in
Our Congress, Master Senator, and that
Impeachment starts inside the Southern wing.
MACTUTTLE
’Tis true, and much good luck to thee in setting
That house in order. ’Tis a woman’s job,
Yet thou wert ne’er the woman for the task.
Mayhap that hammer was too heavy for
Thy Democrati sensibilities.
PROSPEROSI
Far better is a woman for the job
Than spineless boys too tiny for tall tasks.
MACTUTTLE
’Tis certain Speaker Pryam’s a disaster,
Yet I’d take ten of him to one of thee.
SOOTHER
For such a man of power, Senator,
Thou dost surround thyself with feeble allies.
MACTUTTLE
So speaks the leader of minorities.
Excuse me, but the time I have for ye
Is all elaps’d. Go hence about your business.
PROSPEROSI
Enjoy thy pride before thou fall’st, MacTuttle!
MACTUTTLE
A first-rate fall I do anticipate,
Good Lady Prosperosi. I wish thee
And thy friends fortune in our next election.
[Exeunt Prosperosi and Soother. MacTuttle returns to his playing cards and smiles.
Enter SECRETARY.
SECRETARY
Master MacTuttle, Viceroy Michael Pound
Is here for you.
MACTUTTLE
—Our meeting may commence.
Enter VICEROY MICHAEL POUND, Viceroy of the United Fiefdoms.
MACTUTTLE
’Tis well to see you, Mike.
POUND
—Your Eminence!
[MacTuttle offers Pound his hand. The viceroy delightfully kisses it. Exeunt.
SCENE 4.
In the White Hold and the Oval Tower.
Enter LADY SARAH PUCKABEE above, on balcony, with several JOURNALISTS.
PUCKABEE
Be seated, gentles.
[The journalists sit.
—Are there any questions?
[The journalists break into a rabble.
One question at a time, I prithee, hens!
JOURNALIST 1
Why did MacTrump and Putain speak alone,
Sans even an interpreter therein?
PUCKABEE
That story’s categorically false.
For how could anyone see them alone
Unless they, too, were somehow in the room?
JOURNALIST 2
What doth MacTrump think of MacMueller’s latest?
Now that Romanafort is gone, who’s next?
PUCKABEE
The president was never a mind reader.
Lord Gargamiller is; go thou ask him.
JOURNALIST 3
Shall President MacTrump still build his wall,
E’en if Americans do want it not?
PUCKABEE
If President MacTrump says he will build
A wall, then he shall do so whether all
His faithless peasants wish him to or not.
JOURNALIST 4
Say, wherefore is it that Lady MacTrump
Hath not been seen these recent weeks in public?
PUCKABEE
Lady MacTrump is fine, yet occupied.
It, also, is offensive in the height—
Thine implication that Lady MacTrump
Doth need to be in public at all times
To be of service as a public figure!
JOURNALIST 2
What of the border cages—
PUCKABEE
—Not again,
Unless thou wouldst go babysit the brats!
JOURNALIST 1
And what of Spicero?
PUCKABEE
—We still do search
Each bush and shrub in Washingtown for him.
[The journalists begin talking among themselves.
Pray, be ye still, purveyors of fake news!
I am the newfound herald of MacTrump,
And shall respond to all your questions when
I have the means, the time, and the desire.
[Exeunt Puckabee with journalists, in confusion.
Enter MACTRUMP.
MACTRUMP
The freedom of the press doth press me hard,
Indeed, it hath me up against a wall
(And not the border wall for which I long,
Which I do dangle over my supporters
Like they were asses and the wall the carrot).
The press, the journalists, the rank fake news
Surround me like a pack of rabid dogs
Who’d gladly bite me with their rancid teeth.
They know no reason and spread only lies.
Mayhap there’s one, though, who would hear some sense:
The newsman fam’d who brought down Richard th’Worst,
E’en Robert Wormwood. [Calling:] Hither, Kelleyanne!
Enter LADY KELLEYANNE BOLEYN.
KELLEYANNE
Yes, liege? You call’d and I have come anon,
Plus-eager to please you than mine own husband.
MACTRUMP
I prithee summon Robert Wormwood here,
I need the journalist to speak with me.
KELLEYANNE
At once. Pray, wait a moment—he shall come.
[Exit Kelleyanne.
Enter ROBERT WORMWOOD.
MACTRUMP
Ho, Robert.
WORMWOOD
—President MacTrump, good day.
With your permission, I’ll record this meeting.
[Wormwood pulls out a quill as if to begin writing.
MACTRUMP
[aside:] Of course thou shalt, thou wicked, rotting rat—
Recorders are the shields of craven newsmen.
[To Wormwood:] ’Tis well, I do not mind, not in the least.
WORMWOOD
You’ve summon’d me, I’ll wager, o’er my book.
MACTRUMP
[aside:] A book? What is this book of which you speak?
Methinks I wrote a book once, did I not?
I know words, yea—I have the best of words.
[To Wormwood:] Just now I spake with Kelleyanne, and she
Knows naught of any book—didst thou not call?
Whom didst thou ask about a talk with me?
WORMWOOD
Near six of your own staff.
MACTRUMP
—They told me not.
WORMWOOD
A senator as well. ’Twas two months since
I first ask’d Kelleyanne if I could speak
With you about this book. Apologies,
The book must forward move w
ithout your input.
MACTRUMP
Must it? O Robert, thou wert ever fair.
WORMWOOD
[aside:] From fair to fear in one blink of the eye.
[To MacTrump:] If you would speak again before the book
Hath its release into the public eye,
You know full well how you may reach me, sir.
MACTRUMP
But Robert, I am so afeard these days—
MacMueller cometh for my very life!
Thou hast forever work’d in Washingtown—
Canst not give me a morsel of advice?
WORMWOOD
’Tis not my place, nay. I bid you farewell.
[Exit Wormwood.
MACTRUMP
Alack, no help or succor he provides!
[Hailing:] McTweet, I bid thee come again.
Enter MCTWEET.
MCTWEET
—You sang?
MACTRUMP
First, thou must post some messages for me.
MCTWEET
Mayhap you’d like count to ten first, sir?
MACTRUMP
Nay, prithee send this missive sans delay:
“If ’twas the goal of Prussia to create
Discord and chaos and disruption in
Our great United Fiefdoms then, with all
The hearings, inquisitions base and vile,
And party hatred, they succeed beyond
Their wildest dreams, and laugh like asses rare
In Moskvá. Be ye smart, America!”
MCTWEET
[aside:] ’Twas well my char’cter limit doubl’d lately.
[To MacTrump:] ’Tis done. Is there aught else, your tweetfulness?
MACTRUMP
Next, I’d vouchsafe to thee a secret word,
Sans which a person may not further pass.
MCTWEET
You’d have me change your password?
MACTRUMP
—Right thou art.
Canst thou be trusted with a thing as this?
MCTWEET
If you desire, I’ll share my terms of service:
“These terms of service govern access to
And use of all our services, including
Our various web platforms, SMS,
Our buttons, widgets, ads, and APIs,
Our email notices, our applications,
And other cover’d services as well—”
MACTRUMP
Already dost thy prattling ache my head.
I know you may be trusted, else I would
Not call on thee when I have need of thee.
Art thou prepar’d to take the password?
MCTWEET
—Yea.
MACTRUMP
It is covfefe.
MCTWEET
—Co-thief?