by Ian Doescher
MACTRUMP
—Covfefe! Art deaf?
MCTWEET
I see: two Fs, one V, one O, two Es,
As in the saying “thirty-five to life.”
MACTRUMP
Thou impudent—
MCTWEET
—It hath been chang’d, my lord.
[Exit McTweet.
MACTRUMP
When e’en the messengers show disrespect,
A ruler’s in a sad and lonely place—
Worse than the woods wherein Hillaria hides.
Aught need I that shall spark a better mood.
Regrettably, affairs are frown’d upon
Within the confines of the Oval Tow’r—
Not that it stopp’d O’Clinton with Moninski.
What else shall make me glad? I would eat more,
Yet have just fill’d my gullet with a meal
That could have fed a hundred hungry wretched souls
Who beg on Pennsylvanus Avenue.
If not mine appetite for fubbing off,
Nor my quotidian delight in food,
What shall it be? A-ha! The thought doth come:
I’ll call upon my loving family
To have them say such pleasant things of me
That I shall find my humor once again.
Whilst they are here, I shall make certain to
Give them the password spoken to McTweet.
[Calling:] What ho, sweet Desdivanka, wilt thou come?
Pray Donnison and Ericson, come, too!
Enter DAME DESDIVANKA, DONNISON, and ERICSON.
DESDIVANKA
My noble father!
[She kisses MacTrump.
DONNISON
—Lord MacTrump.
ERICSON
—Ho, Dad!
MACTRUMP
My loving children, come to bring me joy:
Which of you shall we say doth love us most?
ERICSON
I love you more than words can wield the matter.
There is no wide savanna on the earth
That can contain the words that would express
My boundless, deep affection for my liege.
DONNISON
My brother comes too short. My love is such
That, were your enemies to harp on you,
Delivering foul blights upon your name,
I’d gladly snap their cords with mine own hands.
DESDIVANKA
My brothers miss the mark; they are in error,
And love you far too little than your worth.
For if I ever doubted you myself,
I’d cut mine own heart out ere I’d betray you.
MACTRUMP
Yet mayhap I am not so very great?
How can ye three assure me I am great?
ERICSON
Among the presidents you are the best.
DONNISON
Among Americans you are the best.
DESDIVANKA
Among humanity you are the best,
Surpassing all the fathers ever known—
Dealmaker, businessman, negotiator,
Disruptor of the fusty status quo,
The wooer of a thousand ladies’ hearts,
Tycoon and self-made billionaire as well,
Now leader of the planet’s strongest nation.
MACTRUMP
O, more delightful children there were ne’er.
How do you fare? What is the latest news?
DONNISON
Dear Father, Ericson and I are sad
Because we have not found the love we seek.
’Twas many months ago we saw two ladies
Who sent us missives that would make you blush,
Yet when we went to the appointed place
Where we should meet them, only we were there—
The two of us, each looking for a love,
Yet finding only one another. Fie!
ERICSON
Since then, we each have sent more messages
And question’d why the ladies left us so,
Yet they respond as if they too were there
And think that we abandon’d them. O, Father!
Is not love hard?
MACTRUMP
—I find it somewhat limp.
Yet you two have my sympathy, my boys.
Methinks such men will find what they do seek,
Though why you seek to earn a lady’s love
Is aught that I may never understand,
For I have ever found them fickle things.
DONNISON
But tender.
ERICSON
—Soft.
DONNISON
—And luscious.
MACTRUMP
—Silly fools.
[To Desdivanka:] What of thee, daughter? What plays on thy mind?
DESDIVANKA
Good Father, rather than become a bore
With matters of the state wherein I move,
Let us proceed to more important topics.
You call’d us here for some great purpose, yea?
MACTRUMP
I have. Sweet children, produce of my loins,
The longer I do serve as president—
Indeed, the greater grows mine own life’s span—
The more I see the need for family.
My Democrati enemies are rank,
Deceitful, petty, fill’d with ev’ry vice—
Yet they, at least, are true unto their nature.
’Tis the Republicons who disappoint
By being weak and argumentative,
When they should be the ones supporting me—
They should be nearly falling o’er themselves
To put MacTrump’s agenda into action.
Instead, they have profound mistrust for me,
Believing ev’ry rotten thing they hear
And ready to dissemble giv’n the chance.
E’en mine own staff considers me a burden,
Sir John MacKeeley—mine own aide-de-camp—
Abruptly questioning mine ev’ry move.
Dim Spicero, my herald to the public,
Did fumble each new sentence that he utter’d.
In times as these, my daughter and my sons,
I see ’tis only ye whom I can trust.
For I shall not be president fore’er—
DONNISON
Alack, say not so!
ERICSON
—Four more years!
DONNISON
—Nay, forty!
MACTRUMP
Take heed: one day the world shall move along
And poor MacTrump will have to take a seat.
However—you who know me best can guess—
I’ll not go gentle into that good night,
But rage against the dying of the light.
’Tis ye three who shall carry on my flame:
I’ll pass the torch unto the next MacTrump
Who’ll lead the masses onward to our glory.
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] This is the moment I must make my claim.
[To MacTrump:] Who, Father, shall it be? Which child of yours?
Mine elder brother Donnison, a man
Both virtuous and most intelligent?
Or he, the younger, Ericson, who is
Courageous, strong, and agile as a wolf?
[Donnison and Ericson look expectantly at MacTrump.
MACTRUMP
The boys are each a stately tes
tament
Unto the fam’d MacTrump virility,
Yet neither is my choice to bear my mantle.
[Donnison and Ericson begin to protest.
Nay, Donnison and Ericson, be still:
Your sister Desdivanka hath a rare
Astounding, enviable set of skills.
Her cunning doth surpass the generals,
Her wisdom is beyond our top advisors,
Her strategies could best a host of foes,
And O, her beauty is without compeer.
She hath a pleasing figure, by my troth—
If she were not my daughter, mark my words:
Belike we two would soon be paramours.
DESDIVANKA
My liege, your words fall unexpectedly
Upon my grateful and most humble ears.
Your trust in me shall never be forsaken.
DONNISON
Though I stand ’fore you as the eldest son,
I do respect and will obey your verdict.
You, Father, are the finest judge of men—
And ladies, in this case.
ERICSON
—So shall I, too,
Be guided by your brighter, shrewder light.
MACTRUMP
Then ’tis decided. When I pass the reins—
In four or eight or sixteen years perchance—
’Twill be to Desdivanka, my delight.
[All embrace.
Meanwhile, I must give ye a pow’rful word,
Which shall unlock the powers of McTweet
And be a sign for those whose hearts are true—
I bid you, share this word with no one else
Outside the noble, potent House MacTrump.
DONNISON
We stand prepar’d and swear to God.
DESDIVANKA
[to MacTrump:] —To you.
MACTRUMP
The word’s covfefe.
DONNISON
—Covfefe?
ERICSON
—Covfefe!
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] —Good grief.
MACTRUMP
Come with me, children, dine with me anon;
I feel another hunger coming on.
[Exeunt MacTrump, Donnison, and Ericson, embracing.
DESDIVANKA
Is this indeed the stock whence I have come,
A giant teat and his two suckling pigs?
Had I known Father’s reign would be
So ruinous, I would have ask’d he make
Me viceroy moments after he took office.
Am I to be surrounded e’er by fools,
Behaving like mischievous brats, not men?
For now, I must be patient, and accept
That history moves slower than I wish.
I must keep ever closer to my father
And stay within his graces as the fav’rite,
Continuing to prove my worth, my wisdom,
And—since it pleaseth him—my beauty, too,
Enduring kisses and his hearty hugs.
My brothers I shall show a sister’s smile,
Exaggerating all their dull achievements—
However few they are—and helping them
To navigate their silly lovesick hearts.
If I would wield, one day, the utmost pow’rs,
My part I must perform these final hours.
[Exit.
SCENE 5.
On the White Hold balcony, and on the green below.
Enter MACTRUMP, LADY MACTRUMP, DAME DESDIVANKA, LORD JARED KUSHREW, DONNISON, and ERICSON above, on balcony.
LADY M.
[aside:] The sun shall darken and our light shall dim,
So say the clerics scientifical.
Today, our blue orb shall eclipse the sun—
What meaneth this strange omen for our lives?
Shall my cold husband have his hopes eclips’d?
Shall Democrati knaves eclipse his pow’r?
Shall me and my sweet children be eclips’d?
Will darkness cover o’er us like a shroud?
Alack, methinks this is a dreadful portent,
An evil demon come to work us woe.
It is a pox, I say. A shiny pox!
How can all those around me be so calm
When ev’ry sign announces our defeat—
Our horrid fall into the darkness drear?
How can they laugh, in nondesigner eyewear,
When all around us gloomy dusk doth loom?
I must away, and hide myself anon,
E’er our sun dies before my very eyes,
A sight that I would never wish to see.
Help, someone, help! The sun is falling! Help!
[Exit Lady MacTrump, sobbing and unnoticed, into the White Hold.
MACTRUMP
’Tis certain that the realm entire doth wait
Upon this glorious event today.
A clear, good omen for my presidency,
An ’twere the heavens shouted all at once,
“MacTrump hath our approval in the heights!”
See how the people crowd around below,
Each straining to behold the lustrous sight.
Would that I were as popular as this—
A simple shadow blocking out a star.
Yet do I not shine brighter than the sun?
It is celestial, but I’m MacTrump!
I could take hold of it and make it mine—
Not fall like Icarus, the stupid chump.
Enter, on the green below, FOOLIANI surrounded by JOURNALISTS. Enter several PROTESTORS aside, including JUSTINE and MARIANNE.
JOURNALIST 1
[to Fooliani:] Excuse me, didst thou say the president
Himself takes credit for the sun’s eclipse?
FOOLIANI
Nay, merely I said it cannot be prov’n
That President MacTrump hath not design’d
This wonderful event by his own pow’r.
JOURNALIST 2
Cannot be proven?
FOOLIANI
—Prithee, show thy proof!
[Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle.
JOURNALIST 2
Nay, I have none. And yet—
FOOLIANI
—My point is shown!
The great MacTrump is so amazing that
The sun itself doth hide within his presence.
Behold him there, upon the balcony—
Our true and wondrous leader proudly stands!
MACTRUMP
[aside:] I need to urinate, yet I must wait
Until this silly pageant is complete.
DESDIVANKA
Good Father, what make you of this event?
MACTRUMP
Methinks it doth portend our great success.
[He begins staring at the sun.
DESDIVANKA
’Tis my belief as well, my liege. And yet
You should not stare directly on the sun.
MACTRUMP
They say it dims.
DESDIVANKA
—Yet ’tis still passing bright.
MACTRUMP
It darkens.
DESDIVANKA
—It shall roast your eyeballs, sir.
[She hands him sunglasses, which he puts on reluctantly. Lord Kushrew approaches them.
MACTRUMP
[to Kushrew:] What thinkest thou, Lord Kushrew?
KUSHREW
—All is
bright—
The future shineth, full of expectation.
[To Desdivanka:] Art thou most sure I cannot look on it?
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] My husband is as bad as mine own father—
Are they but children, whom I must watch o’er?
[To Kushrew:] Pray, wear these, Jared.
KUSHREW
—If thou dost insist.
[All stare at the sky wearing sunglasses, except for Justine below on the green.
JUSTINE
Pray, tell me what thou seest, Marianne.
MARIANNE
My friend, today thou hast my sympathy.
Yet since thou cannot see, hear thou these words,
Writ by another bard: “We stand bemus’d…
Until the sun and moon slide out of phase
And light returns us to the common life
That is so long to do and so soon done.”
JUSTINE
’Tis beautiful. My thanks, dear sister mine.
But there’s no need for tears, for what I see
With mine own mind is equally divine—
Should one see stars as merely overhead,
One lacks the sight to them perceive in full.
MARIANNE
I pray, my sister, what dost see? Do tell!
JUSTINE
I hear the sights and sounds of bated breaths,
Of ev’ry man and woman, barking dogs
And tweeting birds, each buzzing bee awake
With utter wonder and confusion o’er
The paranormal pull that lifts their pulse.
I feel the gentle vapor of the river
So cool against my skin in growing shade.
I see each eye and soul around me turn’d
Unto the sky, at the empyrean star
That serves as mother to us all! And as
She doth allow herself this precious moment
To slip behind her silken screen, I see
The suns and spheres all glowing ever brighter
Than we have ever witness’d in the day.
I see their paths and spins and pirouettes,
I see their grand ballet: the Milky Way!
O, dear companion, weep thou not for me,
For such is the spectacular display
Each person who doth share mine eyes’ condition
Beholds on this exquisite, dimming day.
MARIANNE
Again, my sister, thou hast made me feel
As if I am the one who’s truly blind!
I thank thee for thine insight. Now, tell me,
What dost thou think th’eclipse of solar light
Doth presage for our weary, troubl’d nation?
JUSTINE
Why ask’st thou this, my sister? Dost thou think
Our fates are written in the stars above?
MARIANNE
Of course! The heavens made us, verily.