by Ian Doescher
DESDIVANKA
Thou’lt soon see #fratricide begin to trend,
If thou canst not do what I say.
[Ericson gulps.
ERICSON
—I shall.
DESDIVANKA
Be sure you do.
DONNISON
—I know how we may help.
Our father is near purple in the face
Each time he talketh of his border wall.
Mayhap young Ericson and I can help—
We’ll travel south and build the wall ourselves!
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] An imbecile’s idea. Yet if it shall
Get these astounding fools out of the way,
I’ll swear it is inspir’d by heav’n above.
[To Donnison:] A notion excellent in the extreme.
How soon, wise brother, can you two depart?
ERICSON
The sooner gone, the sooner done.
DONNISON
—Forsooth!
Come, brother, let us southward turn our faces.
ERICSON
Where we shall build our father’s wall with pride.
BOTH
A-thump, a-thump, here come MacTrumps!
DESDIVANKA
—Go, then,
And with ye both a sister’s fondest hopes.
[Exeunt Donnison and Ericson.
Poor folly-fallen baggages, these boys—
A wonder ’tis we from the same womb sprung.
I would near pity them, were they not such
Inestimable fools. Let them unto
Our southern border go, whilst I shore up
The Southern Chamber for the next election.
Republicons therein are all dimwitted,
Mere parvenus who rode to pow’r atop
The backs of paper tigers, snollygosters,
Teabaggers, chicken hawks, and Prussian trolls.
They nothing know of passing laws or how
One may repeal rank, overreaching acts.
Their only expertise is taking cash
And shaming Democrati presidents.
O’Bama, though, is gone and shan’t return.
Sans him, these full-gorg’d dolts are useless as
A bastard scabbard made without a slit.
They do accomplish nothing, proffer less,
And their most gallant speaker’s nothing but
A toothless babe who was untimely wean’d.
To ev’ry jot of power I shall cling,
And shall, anon, take over ev’rything.
[Exit.
SCENE 3.
In the Oval Tower.
Enter CZAR VLAD PUTAIN above, on balcony.
PUTAIN
MacTrump, my droog, perhaps was a mistake.
He is sufficiently unscrupulous,
As any tool of mine abroad must be,
Yet he is also unreliable,
Far weaker than I did anticipate.
The inclination of his heart is evil,
And I regret I made him what he is.
The time hath come to rectify the matter.
[Calling:] McTweet, come forth!
MCTWEET
—Da, comrade?
PUTAIN
—Send the bots.
MacTrump too long hath focus’d inward only.
Make him to know there is an outer flank—
An international community—
That happily will goad him while he rests.
Be certain King XI Ping and King John Ill
Do stand prepar’d for all that lies ahead.
Turn even allies—like Justin Truebeau,
Andrés Matador, He-Manuel Macroon—
Into a bother for the president.
MCTWEET
One universal firestorm, coming up.
[Exit McTweet.
PUTAIN
The wheels are set in motion: I shall watch
As Europe falls apart through doubt and fear.
Sweet dreams, MacTrump. The world doth come for thee.
[Exit Putain from balcony.
Enter MACTRUMP, SIR JOHN MACKEELEY, and SIR MICHAEL POMPEII.
MACTRUMP
Pray, tell me once again what is the haps?
POMPEII
Vast pressure from the nations of the world
Hath lately risen up. Our allies global
Are worried o’er the comments you releas’d
Before the summit of Globe7 leaders.
Thou didst declare, “Prime Minister Truebeau
Is ever so indignant over us,
Yet speaks not of how Qanada doth charge
Our dairy farmers, hurting agriculture.”
He is a friend of Macroon, he of France,
Who taketh to McTweet his sage advice,
That “isolationism is a threat
Unto the people of America.”
He then invokes your noble name itself,
Declaring, “President MacTrump knows that.”
The largest problem, though, is King XI Ping—
Who doth, as you know, lead the Middle Kingdom—
Although you did grant him a visit, sir,
He standeth resolutely ’gainst our hopes
That we may seek a fairer route to trade.
He stops at nothing to protect his int’rests,
Which, ev’ry year, hurt our economy.
MACTRUMP
Cease blathering—thou lost me at “vast pressure.”
I’ve told thee this before: make it more simple.
MACKEELEY
World: angry. King XI Ping: bad. Problem: big.
[MacKeeley holds up a picture of Eurasia, on which the Middle Kingdom is marked by red arrows and has an X drawn through it.
MACTRUMP
At last, a briefing I can understand!
We levy tariffs on the Middle Kingdom,
On Qanada and Mexitlán as well,
And ev’ry nation of Europa, too!
POMPEII
This shall enrage our allies dreadfully.
Methinks this plan will have vast repercussions.
MACTRUMP
Didst thou e’er build a business from the ground?
POMPEII
Nay, sir, yet—
MACTRUMP
—Art thou skill’d in ways of commerce?
POMPEII
The international—
MACTRUMP
—Methought not—when
A country like the great United Fiefdoms
Is losing many billions on our trade
With virtually ev’ry country we
Do business with, I say: trade wars are good.
Moreover, they are effortless to win.
Example: when we’re down one hundred billion
With certain countries and they would be coy,
We trade no more—we win big. Easy ’tis!
[Pompeii is aghast and falls silent, with his mouth open.
MACKEELEY
The tariffs shall be set in motion, sir.
MACTRUMP
What of Pompeii? It seems he may erupt.
MACKEELEY
He shall be fine.
[MacKeeley takes Pompeii by the arm to help him leave.
MACTRUMP
—MacKeeley, ere thou goest.
MACKEELEY
Yea, Lord MacTrump?
MACTRUMP
—Bid Robert Wormwood come.
MACKEELEY
It shall b
e done.
[Exeunt MacKeeley guiding the shocked Pompeii.
MACTRUMP
—My head is sore with care.
This situation international
Is more than I can bear—or understand.
Combin’d with the MacMueller inquisition
And Democrati foes who rear their heads,
I’ll gladly speak with Robert, whom I’ve known
For decades, ere I was the president.
Besides, this Wormwood’s book may boost my woes
If he doth paint a picture bleak of me.
The people, for whatever reason, seem
To put excessive stock in his faux news.
Mayhap I shall convince him to relent
Of any bad—and false—report he’d make.
Enter ROBERT WORMWOOD.
WORMWOOD
Good even, Master President. You rang?
MACTRUMP
Holla, Robert, my thanks that thou didst come.
WORMWOOD
Of course, sir. I’ll record our conversation,
If ’tis acceptable.
MACTRUMP
—Indeed, indeed.
[Wormwood pulls out a quill to begin writing.
WORMWOOD
How may I help thee, President MacTrump?
MACTRUMP
I sit here, pond’ring over yesteryear.
Remember when we spoke, an age ago,
Whilst in the Tow’r MacTrump?
WORMWOOD
—I do, indeed.
MACTRUMP
By now, ’tis twenty years ago, at least.
Thou wert, back then, considering a book
That thou wouldst write about my simple life—
Successful businessman and slick tycoon.
Who would have thought these moons and orbits since
That thou wouldst pen a very diff’rent book?
Thy new book was not in the cards back then.
WORMWOOD
’Tis pity my book could not diff’rent be.
Know that I spake with many people, sir,
Thus to present a whole full and fair account.
MACTRUMP
’Tis well.
WORMWOOD
—You know, sir, we are living in
A pivot point in history, methinks.
MACTRUMP
Alas that thou couldst not have talk’d with me.
Thou knowest I am open e’er for thee.
A most fair man thou art, for a news man.
We shall see what transpires for thou and me.
The country, as thou know’st, is faring well,
The strong economy hath ris’n beyond
All other eras in our nation’s past.
The unemployment numbers sink so low,
That it shall soon be six feet under, ha!
Large companies return to UF soil,
Which was unthinkable two years ago.
WORMWOOD
I understand your point of view. Know this:
I’ve written books on eight past presidents,
From Richard th’Worst to Lord Banquo O’Bama,
And have learn’d something of reporting, see—
As if your presidency were a house,
One must stand outside it to see the whole.
’Tis not by talking solely unto you,
Which opportunity I was denied,
That I shall learn the most about you, sir.
I must see from the outside, and discuss
These topics far from people’s offices—
’Tis there I gain both documents and insight.
The book I writ of you doth frankly look
At three main themes: the globe entire today,
Your full administration, and yourself.
MACTRUMP
Thou sayest it sans saying it at all:
I take it ’tis a negative report.
Yet I am half accustom’d to such things—
The half of me that’s harden’d to the world.
Some that is writ of me is bad, some good—
This one shall be a bad one, verily.
WORMWOOD
’Twas chance that did deny the chance to speak—
MACTRUMP
Communication here is far too chancy.
WORMWOOD
The book is transcrib’d carefully by scribes—
And bas’d upon real incidents.
MACTRUMP
—O, Robert,
Dost thou know I am doing a great job?
WORMWOOD
The book is factual and accurate.
MACTRUMP
’Tis accurate that I am doing great—
No one has ever done as well as I.
WORMWOOD
Hear, Master President: I do believe
In our United Fiefdoms and, as such,
I wish you ev’ry fortune in all things.
MACTRUMP
My thanks. Farewell.
[Exit Wormwood.
Enter MCTWEET.
MCTWEET
—My lord, a word.
MACTRUMP
—Alas,
I did not bid thee come. An thou art here,
It means some dreadful news befalls myself.
Pray, tell me quickly.
MCTWEET
—Trending even now:
The new book Present Fears by Robert Wormwood.
His tale of your administration doth
Both shock and madden people ev’rywhere.
MACTRUMP
Fie, fie upon it! Out, give me some air!
[Exit McTweet.
Words! Sland’rous, cutting, overthrowing words!
How shall a man survive a surfeit of
Verbs, nouns, and prepositions thrown like knives,
Assailing him from ev’ry side? O, Wormwood!
Thy good opinion I so much desire—
Thou hast thy horrid words sicc’d on MacTrump.
That ever I should see this wretched day.
Would I could make return unto the past,
When mine affairs were not affairs of state,
When I could spend a night with Tempest Daniels
And no one car’d or thought to care a whit.
O for a simpler time, with fewer words.
This book shall ruin sleep, though I do need it—
To think that I shall never even read it!
[Exit.
SCENE 4.
Columbia Island. Across the river from Washingtown.
Enter DONNISON and ERICSON agallop.
ERICSON
Are we there yet? O, have we reach’d the south?
DONNISON
Methinks we must have, brother. We have trotted
Through Washingtown at least an hour or more.
ERICSON
Where is the river?
DONNISON
—We just cross’d its banks.
See thou the bridge that now is far behind us?
[Ericson turns around.
ERICSON
A-ha! So that is what ’twas. Brother, thanks!
Let us dismount t’embrace the southern land
That Father captur’d so triumphantly.
DONNISON
Avast!
[The brothers stop galloping. Donnison steps forward and throws his arms out.
ERICSON
—Behold the land, mine elder kin!
The fertile southern fiefdom of…[He reads a road sign.] Vagi
na?
DONNISON
’Tis Virginía, Ericson.
ERICSON
—Of course!
DONNISON
The Virginía colony: the neighbor
Of presidents, the Old Derision, too.
We shall begin to build our father’s wall,
Here on the southern side of th’Rio Grundy.
ERICSON
A plan fantastic, older sibling wise!
What shall we build it with?
DONNISON
—I do not know.
What of those stones?
ERICSON
—Where?
DONNISON
—Yonder, down the road.
[Donnison points off.
ERICSON
Methinks not, brother, for that cemetery
Is hallow’d such that not e’en our bold father
Will set a foot therein.
DONNISON
—Yea, point well ta’en.
We shall persist with what we haply scrounge,
And build one of those stonewalls Father’s lawyers
Are so well-known for.
ERICSON
—Wonderful idea!
Shall we dig through the dirt to find some stones?
DONNISON
E’en better: what if thou dost dig for stones
Whilst I observe?
ERICSON
—My toil in soil beginneth!
[Ericson starts digging but is interrupted by the sounds of protestors chanting.
PROTESTORS
[offstage:] No wall!
DONNISON
—Dost hear that sound?
ERICSON
—What?
DONNISON
—Take thou heed!
PROTESTORS
[offstage:] No wall! No wall!
ERICSON
—The voices cry, “No wall.”
DONNISON
What luck! There must not be a wall at that
Location. Brother, come! Vacate your hole
That we may answer th’orisons of those
Demanding Father’s mighty wall be built
Where there is none.
ERICSON
—Let us away to help!
[Exeunt Donnison and Ericson.
Enter PROTESTORS carrying signs, with MARIANNE and JUSTINE among them.
PROTESTORS
No wall! No wall!
JUSTINE
—The people speak as one.
It seems to me they want their country back.
MARIANNE
We’ll take it, too! MacTrump has unified
His foes against him. Now we stand united!
JUSTINE
It is a welcome sign of things to come,
Yet we must also stand for one another.
A despot happily forgives his subjects
If they do love him not, provided they