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MacTrump Page 19

by Ian Doescher


  PROSPEROSI

  [correcting:] —Madam Speaker, sir.

  [MacTrump tries to embrace her, but she sits on a sofa and sets her hammer down. It hits the floor with a loud, metallic thud. Everyone sits except Desdivanka, who slowly paces in the background.

  Thanks for this meeting, Master President.

  MACTRUMP

  [smiling:] ’Tis not a problem, Nancy. Thanks for coming.

  SOOTHER

  We would discuss the spending bill with you.

  MACTRUMP

  [smiling:] I rather would discuss my needed wall,

  For which I do require the funds forthwith.

  PROSPEROSI

  Must you retreat so quickly to your wall?

  SOOTHER

  Sir, we had hop’d to speak of compromise.

  MACTRUMP

  [smiling:] I’ll gladly compromise, once I have all That I desire.

  PROSPEROSI

  —Nay, ’tis no compact, sir.

  MACTRUMP

  [smiling:] What ever meanest thou, Miss Nancy? Hmm?

  SOOTHER

  I’m sure that you agree, sir, that the workers

  Within the government deserve far better.

  MACTRUMP

  [smiling:] They do deserve their safety, which I shall

  Deliver to them in the form of wall.

  PROSPEROSI

  Are you in jest? We must be serious

  If we’d avoid the Shutdown of MacTrump.

  [Pause. MacTrump is shocked. Viceroy Pound sits silently, with eyes half shut.

  MACTRUMP

  What didst thou say?

  SOOTHER

  —Pray, Master President.

  MACTRUMP

  “The Shutdown of MacTrump”—those were thy words?

  DESDIVANKA

  [aside:] Nay, Father, stop—you wander from the script!

  PROSPEROSI

  You seem to be hell-bent on shutting down

  The government, which shall fore’er be known

  In hist’ry as the Shutdown of MacTrump.

  ’Tis your responsibility—none other.

  SOOTHER

  We must have compromise to move past this—

  Our hands are tied if you demand the wall.

  MACTRUMP

  If I get not what I desire, one way

  Or th’other—whether ’tis through you, or through

  A military action—yea, I shall

  Shut down the government. In fact, I’m proud

  To shut it all down for the sake of border

  Security, Chuck. People do not want

  The criminals and fiends hyp’d up on drugs

  To pour into our country like a fountain.

  DESDIVANKA

  [aside:] Nay, Father, nay—this outcome is disastrous.

  Thou shouldst frame Democrati, not take blame!

  PROSPEROSI

  Then let the Shutdown of MacTrump commence.

  SOOTHER

  [smiling:] Yea, let it. Thank you for your time, my liege.

  MACTRUMP

  Out! Out with ye! I’ll shut it down with glee!

  [Confusion. Exeunt all except Desdivanka as MacTrump blusters off.

  DESDIVANKA

  He had one job—a stupid, simple task—

  Let not a jot of blame fall on his shoulders

  For shutting down the UF government.

  Instead, what doth the bulging blockhead do?

  He took the Democrati bait so quickly,

  As if he were an undernourish’d shrimp.

  Fie! Idiot to be so quickly foil’d.

  I cannot count on him to lift me up;

  By clinging to his coattails, I’ll but fall.

  A new path I must find, make my own way—

  Break with my father’s bumbling and dishonor

  And find a wiser tyrant to embrace,

  Perchance in Prussia or in North Korasia,

  Where I shall despotism purely see

  Without the base mix of hypocrisy.

  [Exit.

  SCENE 4.

  In the Southern Chamber of Parliament.

  Enter CLEOSANDRIA O’CASSIO.

  O’CASSIO

  The sound of throngs approaching pricks mine ears,

  And sets my heart to beat in time with theirs.

  Most fortunately, ’tis my kind of beat,

  A rapid rise doth make for nimble feet.

  [O’Cassio spins and dances briefly.

  The people are enrag’d at both the parties

  For failing to avoid this shutdown base,

  A mockery of our democracy

  That makes our government a laughingstock

  To other nations all across the globe.

  Indeed, there’s only Brexeunt that’s worse.

  A portion of my colleagues are afeard—

  They hear the din approaching, and have lock’d

  Themselves away inside their offices,

  As if they could ignore the sea of troubles,

  And, by opposing, end them. Nay, not I—

  The people must be seen, respected, heard.

  No politician is above the people,

  No height of office too beyond their reach,

  No ear may be protected from their voice,

  No representative above reproach,

  Or else we have not serv’d our purpose here.

  ’Tis well I’m young; to win this fight will take

  A generation more than many live.

  She ventures into the hall. Enter LADY NANCY PROSPEROSI.

  PROSPEROSI

  My lady Cleosandria, well met.

  Hast heard the chanting of the coming throng?

  O’CASSIO

  Indeed! It seems the people would be heard,

  And I have come to meet them willfully.

  PROSPEROSI

  Thou holdest insight far beyond thy years—

  Yet twenty-nine but wiser than your elders.

  O’CASSIO

  My thanks. These words fall gently on mine ears,

  For thou hast ever been a paradigm,

  Though I could wish for someone younger to

  Be Speaker of the House.

  PROSPEROSI

  —Experience

  I proffer, far beyond what others bring.

  O’CASSIO

  Yet thou dismiss’st the Green New Deal too soon.

  PROSPEROSI

  Too soon? My dear, I have been fighting for

  The principles in thy proposal e’er!

  Votes I have cast protecting species whole

  From their extinction ere thou e’en wert born.

  This war I’ve vigorously fought for decades,

  Ascending past our hist’ry’s other women

  Despite relentless ridicule from the

  Republicons and boors in our own party.

  O’CASSIO

  Please take my few critiques not as indiff’rence

  To thine achievements, Lady Prosperosi.

  The barriers you overcame are still

  A vicious cancer ’mongst the Democrati

  Despite thy years of trusted leadership.

  PROSPEROSI

  If such blunt statements are thy best defenses,

  I’ll wager that thou needest better weapons.

  Republicons already work against thee,

  And I’ll not have thy fresh career disrupt

  Our party’s goals, though thou art popular.

  Thou art a champion of change, my sister,

  And shalt ea
rn for thyself a mighty hammer.

  Enthusiasm, though, is not enow

  To make thy greenest dreams realities.

  Yet if we would create change for the planet,

  We must needs be as subtle as the tides.

  O’CASSIO

  Methinks the tides of change will sweep thee under

  Unless thou walk’st in step withal the times.

  For now, though, may we set aside these quarrels?

  The chanting crowd hath enter’d to the chamber—

  I prithee, wilt thou thither walk with me?

  PROSPEROSI

  Yea, such was my intention. Let us go.

  They walk through the halls. Enter a crowd of PROTESTORS.

  PROTESTORS

  [chanting:] Something is rotten inside of this dump!

  Pay all the workers and furlough MacTrump!

  Stop the shutdown!

  [Protestors spot O’Cassio and Prosperosi.

  PROTESTOR 1

  Behold, employees of the government

  Who still receive their recompense, e’en whilst

  Eight hundred thousand of our citizens

  Go sans a paycheck ev’ry fortnight. Shame!

  PROTESTOR 2

  Is this America? How can this be—

  The richest nation in the world entire

  Unable to pay workers for their toil.

  O’CASSIO

  Friends, people, citizens, lend me your ears:

  To shut down government is not the norm

  When politicians get not what we want.

  The truth of this vile shutdown, friends, is that

  ’Tis actually not about a wall.

  The truth is worse: this shutdown is about

  The swift erosion of democracy,

  Subversion of our governmental norms,

  Which are most basic for our operations.

  PROTESTOR 3

  We love thee—Cleosandria ascendant!

  PROTESTOR 4

  [to Properosi:] Thou show’d the president a lion’s strength

  As thou negotiated over this—

  For that, thou hast our humble gratitude.

  What, though, shalt thou do next to force his hand?

  PROSPEROSI

  The Constitution calls the president

  From time to time to give unto both chambers

  Intelligence of the State of the Union.

  Alas, the UF Secret Servers and

  Department of UF Security

  Have not been funded twenty-six full days—

  With critical departments cut by furloughs.

  Thus, given the security concerns

  And, ’less the government doth open soon,

  We must determine dates alternative

  For President MacTrump to come deliver

  The State of th’Union. Let me be most clear:

  The Southern Chamber shall not take a vote

  To authorize the president’s address

  Within the walls of our dear chamber if

  The government hath not been open’d. Yea:

  He hath no invitation to this house.

  PROTESTOR 4

  Three cheers for Prosperosi!

  PROTESTORS

  —Yea, hurrah!

  They continue to chant. Enter MACTRUMP and FOOLIANI above, on balcony.

  MACTRUMP

  She cannot disinvite me!

  FOOLIANI

  —Zounds, she can.

  MACTRUMP

  There must be aught that I can do!

  FOOLIANI

  —There’s not.

  MACTRUMP

  Not one?

  FOOLIANI

  —You could be the first president

  To give the great address from Tow’r MacTrump.

  MACTRUMP

  Nay, it must be the Southern Chamber—fie!

  The queen hath trapp’d the king and call’d it ’mate.

  Yet, as I have whenever I have lost,

  I’ll topple o’er the board and scatter pieces

  Across the room. I do not like to lose.

  FOOLIANI

  Then thou must have your cake and eat it, too—

  Beneficently ope the government,

  Then find another means to get your wall—

  For wall is good and wall is necessary.

  MACTRUMP

  Another means? I’ll hear thee speak more on’t.

  [Exeunt MacTrump and Fooliani from balcony.

  O’CASSIO

  Each member of this body hath a vast

  Responsibility unto this nation,

  To ev’ryone in the United Fiefdoms,

  Yea, whether they did vote for us or not.

  MacTrump shares that responsibility,

  Which means he must needs answer unto ye.

  [Exeunt O’Cassio and Prosperosi, waving.

  PROTESTORS

  Huzzah!

  PROTESTOR 1

  —The government must open’d be!

  PROTESTOR 2

  Eight hundred thousand need what they deserve!

  [All cheer.

  PROTESTOR 1

  Let us unto the Northern Chamber next!

  Enter MCTWEET and FOOLIANI, aside.

  MCTWEET

  [aside to Fooliani:] Art thou most sure MacTrump would this proclaim?

  The shutdown talk doth generate much traffic.

  FOOLIANI

  Forsooth! This next announcement shall be his

  Late Christmas gift unto our citizens.

  MCTWEET

  If thou art sure. [To all:] Such news you’ll not believe!

  The shutdown hath been ended by MacTrump,

  Who reach’d agreement with the legislators

  And shall soon sign a bill to open up

  The government upon tomorrow’s dawn.

  It seems the time requir’d to break MacTrump

  Is five-and-thirty days.

  PROTESTORS

  —Hurrah, at last!

  Enter MACTRUMP above, on balcony. All below listen intently.

  MACTRUMP

  Emergency! Emergency, I say!

  Declare a national emergency!

  MCTWEET

  [aside:] MacTrump: he is the gift that keeps on giving.

  MACTRUMP

  We’ll have ourselves a great emergency,

  The greatest, best emergency e’er known—

  This ’mergency, I say, shall be so yuge.

  There’s an invasion of our country, see,

  With drugs, with human traffickers, and such,

  With ev’ry type of criminal and gang.

  Of course, I did not need to do this thing—

  I will that it be faster done, ’tis all.

  I’ll have emergency, and then have wall.

  [The protestors yell angrily. Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle. All exeunt.

  SCENE 5.

  The White Hold residence. Evening.

  Enter GARGAMILLER above the rooftop. It is snowing. An enormous red moon rises.

  GARGAMILLER

  The polar vortex swirleth round about,

  And all of Washingtown is frightf’lly cold.

  The planet’s equilibrium upset,

  The whole world teeters on a knife blade’s edge.

  Arising o’er the chill of winter’s bite,

  Behold! The blood wolf dragon moon ascends;

  The fullest, reddest, most myster’ous orb

  That we shall, in our lives, expect to see.

  Like the eclip
se that shock’d the nation so,

  This messenger of heaven doth portend

  A future whose events we may but guess!

  [Exit Gargamiller.

  Enter MACTRUMP, LADY MACTRUMP, DAME DESDIVANKA, LORD JARED KUSHREW, DONNISON, and ERICSON in the family sitting room. A crackling fire fills the fireplace. MACTRUMP paces impatiently. LADY MACTRUMP peeks outside through window curtains. DESDIVANKA and KUSHREW sit on a sofa, their eyes downcast. DONNISON and ERICSON chat quietly and smoke cigars. Everyone is dressed for travel except the brothers, who are dressed for hunting.

  MACTRUMP

  I well know what I do—was born for this.

  So good am I. Amazing just how good.

  To use a national emergency

  To build my wall shall ever be known as

  The smartest act a president has done.

  They’ll carve my face upon the mountains by

  The time I’m finish’d with this work. Yuge mountains.

  By heav’n, I could begin the work myself

  Once my great wall is built.

  [A clock strikes.

  —God damn the time!

  What takes the coachman so long to depart?

  Guard!

  Enter GUARD.

  GUARD

  —Yes, my lord.

  MACTRUMP

  —Where are our carriages?

  I must to Mar-Iago presently

  For greatly needed rest and relaxation.

  My children, too, would go their sep’rate ways,

  Since we have some intelligence receiv’d

  Of an unwelcome visitor who cometh.

  GUARD

  Apologies, sire, but the weather is

  Too foul for travel still. We must needs wait

  Until the winter storm is past.

  MACTRUMP

  —Forsooth,

  Thou art as useless as a Bible in

  A whorehouse. Get thee out!

  [Exit Guard.

  —I cannot stand

  This cursèd city and its lazy losers.

  How else am I suppos’d to pass the time?

  DESDIVANKA

  Why not try reading something, father mine?

  MACTRUMP

  Art thou in jest? Hast thou observ’d the papers

  With trait’rous LaCöhen on ev’ry page,

  Dispensing lies about me for the world?

  I need the comfort of my greens and holes.

  Exertions lately have exhausted me—

  ’Twas hard enough to find my Prussian passport

  Inside a draw’r of presidential socks.

  ’Tis taxing.

  LADY M.

  [looking out the window:] —Horrid more than taxes due—

  A red moon rises, and then disappears!

  What is the portent thereof? Who can tell’t?

 

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