by Ian Doescher
DESDIVANKA
—About as splendid as
The weather.
KUSHREW
—Verily? Thou think’st it splendid?
I find this weather passing awful. No?
[Prolonged thunder and lightning.
DESDIVANKA
I know. A tidal wave of blue hath grown
Across this nation many months. I hop’d
Our districts might outlast it, yet hope is
A worthless coinage when one banks on it.
Our allies on the Hill are frauds. They’ll lose
The Southern Chamber, half a dozen seats
Within the Senate, and some gov’rnorships
We should have won.
KUSHREW
—If doom is in thy forecast,
Then wherefore dost thou seem at peace withal?
DESDIVANKA
[laughing:] My husband, hast forgotten who I am?
Nay, not at peace, yet utterly prepar’d
For what is next. I see the strategy
The simple Democrati shall employ:
They shall obstruct our lord with newfound strength,
Which is precisely what he needs to set
Himself apart from the Republicons
Who fall tonight. Let Prosperosi take
Her silly hammer to my father’s wall.
Should she destroy it, Father’s followers
Will have our Democrati foes to blame.
Do not forget: it would have taken years
To literally build my father’s wall.
The plans alone would take us longer than
The law allows our presidents to serve.
By taking back the Southern Chamber and
Then making Father’s wall a hopeless cause,
The Democrati fools will free us from
The burden of delivering the work!
This shall enrage my father’s acolytes,
And he shall play them like an organist—
Pull out the stops on all their fear in time
For them to reelect him two years hence.
No adversary hath the strength to change
The outcome of a vote—not even foul
MacMueller, nor his base inquisitors.
The power of our people shall secure
My father’s rule, and I shall run as his
Successor on the promise to complete
His mighty wall. O, yea, sweet husband, yea!
I see our pathway forward, lit with lights
That stretcheth from this bedroom to the distance:
The White Hold and the Oval Tower, mine!
[The two embrace and gaze through the window.
KUSHREW
I see it too, my love! I see it plainly!
And with some luck, perhaps thy father’s failures
Will damage the Republicons tonight
Beyond repair!
[Kushrew smiles. Desdivanka does not. She awkwardly pats her husband.
DESDIVANKA
—’Tis right, my husband, yea.
KUSHREW
I cannot wait one minute more. McTweet!
Enter MCTWEET from the balcony, wearing a cloak drenched with rain.
MCTWEET
I bid a second blessing to you both.
Apologies for my most sodden state.
KUSHREW
Think nothing of it. Prithee, speak to us
About the parliamentary elections.
How do the Democrati fare?
MCTWEET
—One moment.
[McTweet consults his parchments.
DESDIVANKA
Hath Prosperosi won the Southern Chamber?
MCTWEET
According to my readings, she hath not.
DESDIVANKA
Indeed?
KUSHREW
—In sooth?
MCTWEET
—Just as I spake! Nay. Wait.
[McTweet unfurls the scroll.
Most sorry—I did view the Pox Network,
Which hardly shall admit the night’s results.
In faith, the Democrati took the chamber,
And Lady Prosperosi did just speak!
She said: “Tonight historic victory
Is in our grasp. This mighty victory
We did not seek for our own party’s sake,
But for America’s hardworking fam’lies.”
KUSHREW
O, dearest love, methinks she spake of us!
DESDIVANKA
I think not. Mayhap thou shouldst go to bed,
Kind husband. It appears I still have work
To do tonight.
KUSHREW
—If thou insist’st. Rest well!
[Kushrew kisses her and then exits toward the bed.
MCTWEET
[to Desdivanka:] My lady, there is still another speaker
Who’s trending at the moment. Wouldst thou like
To watch her?
DESDIVANKA
—Possibly. Who is she, bird?
MCTWEET
One Cleosandria O’Cassio,
The new-elected congresswoman of
Both Queensland and the Bronxford in New Yorktown.
She is the youngest woman e’er elected
Unto the Southern Chamber!
DESDIVANKA
—Yea? I would
Observe her speech.
MCTWEET
—Hast thou a mirror black?
DESDIVANKA
Upon the wall there. Why?
MCTWEET
—The feed is streaming.
[McTweet pulls out a vial of shiny liquid from his cloak. Desdivanka takes it. Exit McTweet to growing thunder. Desdivanka hurries to her mirror, uncorks the vial, and drinks its liquid. She then stares into the black mirror. The room darkens. Smoke rises. The sound of cheers and clapping fills the room.
Enter CLEOSANDRIA O’CASSIO above, on balcony, dressed in white, with a CROWD watching her.
O’CASSIO
We have made history tonight, my friends—
The youngest woman serving Parliament.
’Tis what is possible when people come
Together in collective realization
That all our actions, whether small or large,
Are capable of making lasting change.
[Desdivanka steps closer towards the mirror. Her expression changes from curiosity to horror. As the crowd cheers louder, lightning flashes.
When people talk about the strong pursuit
Of our more perfect union, that, itself,
Commandeth us to progress as a nation,
To better grow and better be, as well.
Right now, our nation’s on a crookèd path,
Yet ’tis our time to make the crookèd straight.
[A roll of thunder shakes the bedroom, and Desdivanka makes a fist.
They’ll ever call ambitious folk naive.
They’ll say we’re uninform’d and radical,
For we would change the country’s power balance.
We’ll fight to put more power in the hands
Of working, ev’ryday Americans—
Which is, methinks, where truly it belongs.
[Hatred washes over Desdivanka’s face. The vial breaks in her hand.
I am most proud to stand, shoulder to shoulder,
With ye in this most worthy, vital fight.
Today, friends, is our milestone, verily
’Tis a beginning—only the beginning.
[O’Cassio�
�s audience breaks into applause. They chant her name. Thunder and lightning. Desdivanka screams. Exeunt O’Cassio and crowd.
DESDIVANKA
Fie! Fie! A thousand curses on the wench!
DESDIVANKA punches the mirror, smashing it to pieces. Enter LORD JARED KUSHREW.
KUSHREW
Is aught amiss, mine empress?
DESDIVANKA
—Get thee out!
[Exit Kushrew.
DESDIVANKA
The future rears its ugly, fearsome face—
One who may yet unite the people like
O’Bama with his messages of hope,
And “Yea we can!”—’tis hubris in the height!
The people, though, respond to promises
Of freedom, progress, liberty, and justice
Like sailors to a waiting siren’s call.
It makes me sick, for peasants do not know
What’s best for them—’tis wherefore they fear us.
These whining, stooping liberals would give
Their pitiful supporters far more pow’r
Than any ordinary, middle-class,
Uneducated plebeian should have.
O, how it makes my insides burn with hate
At peons gaining pow’r instead of me—
Of House MacTrump—who surely doth deserve’t.
I’ll rule the Democrati like a queen.
My father still hath power over all,
And we shall grind their system to halt.
We’ll pull the precious government they would
Reclaim from out beneath their worthless feet.
Were there a hundred years of history,
No upstart fiend shall get the best of me.
[Exit.
SCENE 3.
Atop the Oval Tower.
Enter MACTRUMP above with VICEROY MICHAEL POUND, LADY SARAH PUCKABEE, LADY KELLEYANNE BOLEYN, and GUARDS. They turn their attention to LADY NANCY PROSPEROSI, below, who enters Parliament to the applause of Republicon and Democrati PARLIAMENTARIANS. Among them is the recently elected CLEOSANDRIA O’CASSIO. PROSPEROSI waves and ascends the speaker’s rostrum, where SPEAKER PRYAM, a boy roughly ten or twelve years old, struggles to lift the wooden gavel.
PROSPEROSI
[to Pryam:] Thou canst that keep. I have brought mine own hammer.
[Prosperosi raises a warhammer from her robes. The Democrati erupt in cheers.
MACTRUMP
That damnèd hammer of hers I can see
From here. ’Tis most unfair. Why doth she have
A hammer while I’ve none? I’m president!
I should be deck’d in armor, as she is.
PUCKABEE
You do command the strongest military
In all the world, my lord.
MACTRUMP
—Yet if I hold
No hammer yuge as hers, what good is it?
I feel as impotent as I am mad.
[Exeunt parliamentarians below.
All right. The party’s over. Back inside.
[Everyone descends the turret and enters the interior of the Oval Tower below. Exeunt guards.
What have we on the docket for today?
How shall you losers help me build my wall?
KELLEYANNE
My lord, methinks we have a plusgood answer.
MACTRUMP
I’ll gladly hear’t.
PUCKABEE
—With Lady Prosperosi
And all the Democrati back in pow’r,
We cannot hope to have the funds we need
To build the mighty wall that you desire.
MACTRUMP
No wall? This doth not start as I had hop’d.
PUCKABEE
Pray, listen on. You may yet compromise—
They’ll give you some concessions on the wall,
Though not the billions for which you do ask,
And in the bargain thou shalt fully fund
The government, and thus avoid a shutdown.
You shall be seen as generous and fair,
A statesman at the apex of his might.
MACTRUMP
What of the wall? What shall my base think of it?
KELLEYANNE
Sir, they shall think whate’er we tell them to.
No follower of yours shall ever check
To see if there is verily a wall.
If we tell them the wall is near complete,
They shall believe it.
MACTRUMP
—Truly?
KELLEYANNE
—By my troth.
[Pound produces a sheet of paper.
POUND
We have here, sir, the bill that you must sign
To fund the government, avoid the shutdown,
And make this plan of ours reality.
Today, when Lady Prosperosi doth
Arrive, with Charles Soother at her side,
You shall surprise them both by giving them
The very thing they seek of you—’twill shock
Them, make them grateful. They shall owe you much.
MACTRUMP
Doth this plan have the blessing of my daughter
And finest aide-de-camp, Dame Desdivanka?
[Puckabee, Kelleyanne, and Pound glance nervously at each other.
KELLEYANNE
I double-doublethink it doth indeed?
MACTRUMP
Then I shall do it. Ye advise me well.
Fetch me a quill that I may make it so.
[Puckabee, Kelleyanne, and Pound breathe a sigh of relief. Puckabee hands MacTrump a quill.
Enter DAME DESDIVANKA.
DESDIVANKA
Cease all this pageantry! Bestill thy pen!
I hope for all your sakes the ink is out
So that our liege not strike it through your names!
MACTRUMP
Sweet daughter, why so serious? This plan—
[Desdivanka stares at the others coldly.
DESDIVANKA
What plan?
MACTRUMP
—To fund the government anon,
Make compromise to gain a partial wall,
But tell it to the public an ’twere whole.
DESDIVANKA
[to Puckabee, Kelleyanne, and Pound:] Yield.
[Exeunt Puckabee, Kelleyanne, and Pound hastily.
[To MacTrump:] —Set the feather down; we need it not.
MACTRUMP
This plan was not devis’d by thee, my pet?
DESDIVANKA
O Father, you have sorely been abus’d!
If ever I present you with a plan
That maketh you look ignorant and weak,
And setteth our cause backward many months,
You may declare me nevermore your child.
MACTRUMP
It could not be!
DESDIVANKA
—A shutdown must commence.
To do so carefully shall demonstrate
That you alone do hold the winning cards.
The Democrati jacks in Parliament
Shall find themselves both weak and ill-prepar’d.
MacMueller, who may think he holds the ace,
Shall have no choice but forfeit all his chips—
The stakes shall rise above his finances.
Vile Prosperosi and her puppet Soother—
As rank a pair of jokers e’er there was—
Shall find themselves in a prolong’d debate
About the wall, which shall but work them woe.
The
y’ll dig themselves a ditch with their own spades
Whilst you do capture all your foll’wers’ hearts.
Hold ’em with words as strong as any club,
And harvest mines of diamonds ’mongst your base.
Then let the game go on for weeks or months—
The shutdown never ending, peradventure—
Each passing day your pow’r shall grow, employing
Exec’tive orders, taking ev’ry trick.
You’ll bring them down an ’twere a house of cards—
MacTrump doth hold the trump card. Do you see?
MACTRUMP
Forsooth! Thou art my greatest counselor.
How shall I play the hand, when they arrive?
DESDIVANKA
Appear to be both generous and kind.
This pitfall, though, avoid: let them not put
The burden of the shutdown on your shoulders.
The fault must be upon the Democrati,
Or this strange beast may turn around and bite.
You must be ruthless as the lion and
As clever as the fox for this to work.
Does that make sense?
MACTRUMP
—Inherently, my dear.
When they arrive, I shall be naught but smiles,
And no responsibility assume
For shutting down the government anon.
Meanwhile, what of this bill they’d have me sign?
[Desdivanka holds the paper over a candle until it burns completely.
DESDIVANKA
Would that the paper were your enemies,
Each of them disappearing into smoke.
[There is a knock at the door.
MACTRUMP
What is’t?
Enter GUARD.
GUARD
—My sov’reign, Viceroy Pound withal
The Democrati leaders is come hither.
MACTRUMP
We are prepar’d! Pray, send them in at once.
[Exit Guard.
Enter LADY NANCY PROSPEROSI, SENATOR CHARLES SOOTHER, and VICEROY MICHAEL POUND.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] My viceroy Pound, come in. And Cryin’ Chuck,
How nice of you to join us.
SOOTHER
—Lord MacTrump.
[They shake hands.
My thanks for giving us a reason to
Shed tears of joy this past November, sir.
MACTRUMP
We won the Senate, Chuck. Is that not so?
SOOTHER
When one doth brag o’er winning North Dakastor
And Indriana, too—both fiefdoms with
Immense Republicon support—methinks
One is in trouble.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] —Yet we won both, nay?
And little Nancy—